An unabridged movie afternoon synopsis, the importance of getting dairy, and ducky. (1178 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.75 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Vas Deferens (View user info) at 2009-01-05 07:32:54 EST
I had a pretty tame new year's eve but to compensate, had a fairly big-bang fuck up new year's day.
It started with an orange for breakfast, usually I would have cereal and an orange - the orange cut in splices sat neatly on a spartan goose-green ikea plate that I peeled the rind off one corner and ate to boost my metabolism, but I couldn't have cereal because the corner store only had 2 percent low fat milk that expired on the fifth, I prefer to buy my milk in a two litre bottle - on account of wanting cereal each morning, so got the shits because I couldn't buy low fat milk with an expiry date window of three days before the best before, what with my dairy suspicious prediliction and all - and I certainly wasn't going to buy the one litre bottle with a best before date of the fourteenth considering I expected to eat cereal all week, and my new more money specific saving new year's resolution, so I just had an orange instead.
It was a nice orange, seedless navel, not too ripe and kind of tart, but not too tart.
I placed the last piece of rind onto the plate and washed it down with my black, sugerless coffee.
"Sweet" I thought, and then rummaged through the fridge for something else to sate my hunger. I found some eggs, I'd hard boiled them a week before but had forgot the used by date on the carton. Usually I would write this down on a notepad (the used by date) and discard the carton, but for some reason I had not. Eggs are basically like dairy, it's a degrees of separation thing - with farm animals.
"Was I distracted when trying to wrap christmas presents?" I asked myself as I stared blankly at the post-it pad declaring that my eggs were out of bounds come the 23rd of December, that I'd retrieved from the third kitchen drawer? Had I imagined I'd retained the new egg date to memory and then promptly forgot, thinking that I didn't need to write it down as I gingerly put the eggs I'd boiled weeks before into the new egg carton figuring it was the neatest and best way to dispose of them, all the while imagining I had stored the new egg used by date to memory, when I hadn't?
I sighed and closed the fridge door, I'd just had an orange, it was no big deal.
I lifted my tee and stared down at my rock hard, malnourished v-shaped abs. The hand I lifted it with owned an arm, which wore a watch.
"gah I'm gonna be late."
I showered and caught a cab. I was going with a friend to see some toss art expo. It was a bitching hot day, 34 degrees and ten-thousand percent humidity, we met and decided to go to the Plough Inn to refresh.
"I'll have a house white and......i dunno, a stella, in a schooner."
"We only have these gay long stemmed glasses and pints."
"i bet you do" I thought, realising the Plough Inn's cunning ploy. "GOD DAMMIT JUST GIVE ME A PINT THEN YOU FUCKING CAPITALIST."
"that'll be fifteen bucks."
It was 1:30 pm on the 1st of January and my thrifty new year's resolution was shot to shit. My friend and I walked in a thousand degree heat through stifling breeze confining buildings to the gay-arsed toss expo, then back to the plough inn.
We drank, and drank, and drank and drank. and drank and drank and drank drank drank.
"You're ridiculously handsome" she said.
I placed my empty pint glass on the head of some passed out guy on the sofa beside me and said, "I know. I have to go."
The next morning I woke in a sitting upright position on my couch (true), look to my left and then to my right like I was checking for traffic, groaned, made some coffee and cut an orange into eighths.
I brushed my teeth, showered, picked up a bag off my kitchen table, drove to a department store and said "I'd like to refund this stuff - impulse buy."
I got my refund, drove to the video store, and hired six dvd's.
"You look hammered" said the scrawny thorpe looking kid.
"thanks."
"Because you hired The Dark Knight you get a batman chocolate."
"sure, thank you."
I ate the batman chocolate in the car, and drove to the grocery store to buy, wait for it, groceries.
Drove home, cooked some sausages (after checking the used by date like an ocd, ocd junkie), ate them wrapped in bread with grated cheese (cautiously sniffed), tomato sauce (ketchup), sour cream (I was like one of those drug beagles sniffing that stuff too), and mustard. Read the paper and half-listened to the tv in the background.
The Movies.
First up I watched 'Wanted', it was pretty ordinary. Angelina looked like she needed a pie or had only an orange for breakfast. It made me think of Ducky, and how she had a flat stomach but actual hips.
Next I watched 'Mongol'. A way back I'd watched a 4, 5, 6? part series on Genghis Khan on one of our highbrow 'non-commercial' stations - they have commercials, it was more documentary than movie but the production was fantastic and I was absolutely absorbed by it. Sadly, Mongol never takes off or reaches those same heights, delivered by a made for tv doco. They allude to him going to go kick some arse but never get there, there's a smattering of brutal battle scenes but it's mostly about him being awesome and stoic, without him actually taking over half the known world. It was disappointing, which reminded me of Ducky, because she thought I was a dick, which I remember as being profoundly disappointing.
I made some of my world famous guacamole, which would be a lot more fucking famous if more people had tasted it. I have a friend who is a well travelled and respected chef, he came over one day, ate my guacamole and told me "Zere iz no 'whay', you have made dis, you are a dispicable hostTRAAAILIAN it iz not possiball..."
whatever stephane.
I settled down with my guacamole, a bowl of 50 percent less fat corn chips, and watched 'Black Book', a Dutch? film my dad had burnt me. Unfortunately Dad - who is newish to piracy, burnt it with the default anydvd settings which removed the subtitles. Still I sat through it, understanding little but thoroughly enjoying it.
"this must be what it's like to read a kaos or jack book" I thought, scooping up some world famous guacamole. "I don't understand any of it.....like ducky."
And then I watched The Dark Knight. It's true what they say you know, Heath Ledger is fantastic. I gave up on trying to scoop up the dregs of guacamole in the curved bowl with angular chips, sat back and thought about how ridiculously mental he was, and australian. and then I thought about ducky, and how she'd call me ridiculous, and then mental.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-01-09 05:50:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A way back I'd watched a 4, 5, 6? part series on Genghis Khan on one of our highbrow 'non-commercial' stations
---
You've been watching "Star Wars" and mistook Darth Vader for Genghis. Easy mistake to make.
For a robot.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-01-08 02:04:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-01-07 18:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you make me smile, Bri........ errrrrrrr D_R. Too bad I can't compete with Ducky
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2009-01-07 16:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i compulsively check expiry dates too. the fridge is a terrifying place :p
oh, i'm probably visiting your fine country in april/may!! how exciting, eh?!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:28:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know who the fuck you are- nor do I care, the more I think about it - but this was funny.
It reminded me of a Shlongy post, back when I used to phone them in every couple of months.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-06 08:46:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"this must be what it's like to read a kaos or jack book" I thought
... yep.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-01-06 08:22:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sold!
Submitted by jared.melton (user info) at 2009-01-06 04:46:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the guac.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-01-06 01:45:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Seldom have I noticed a person who was so focused on their grub.
Entertaining story and I agree that you may have OCD issues concerning expiration dates.
The dip sounds yummy.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2009-01-05 17:33:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2009-01-05 17:32:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-05 14:37:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
and you think you're such a dashing hero
pfffffftt
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-01-05 14:37:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
didn't read, but +2 for:
"GOD DAMMIT JUST GIVE ME A PINT THEN YOU FUCKING CAPITALIST."
I'ma try that some time.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-01-05 14:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-05 14:28:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you should just give ducky a call, i guess.
i think she's teaching yellowish brown kids how to english better. that should narrow it down considerably.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-01-05 13:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-05 12:39:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-01-05 12:37:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Go have another Corona with lime, you Browns-loving poof.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-05 12:22:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"hired"
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-05 12:20:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU FUCK
Submitted by dangerdude (user info) at 2009-01-05 12:01:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You "hired a dvd?" like you hire a cab? You Brits are weird.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-01-05 11:28:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMFG my afternoon was SO much better than yours.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-05 10:47:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't read it.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-01-05 08:17:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My little girl is developing a taste for country music. And not good country like Marty Robbins. No...wretched crap like that Keith Urban wanker. It is not, nor can it come to good. This would not have happened had she been born on Jimmy Page's birthday like she was supposed to have been. Therefore, I blame my wife.
And I'm so old that I fell asleep at 9:30 on New Year's eve. Top that.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-01-05 07:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot the bit where you dyed your hair.