RE: “Wanted: Shitty Boyfriend” (2346 hits)
Category: Politics -> IraqRating: 1.62 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by muddy (View user info) at 2009-01-06 12:22:45 EST
I'm so glad you've finally found me but I wanted to get this out in the open first. To your list of criteria I also need to add that I've been known to slap a bitch, hit on your friends and I'll expect you to do most of the household chores.
In return, if you can meet the following criteria I think we might just be a perfect fit.
I'm really looking for someone with aspirations of doing something with their useless degree but after we're together for a while I'd like if you could have some sort of mental breakdown and be out of work on disability for a while.
Additionally, within the first year I'll need you to gain 15-20 pounds because you can't think of any other way to deal with your depression (a must) than to eat scads of Ben and Jerry's and pizza. If you could follow this with a few cycles of weight gain and loss mixed with bouts of depression and anxiety based mostly on your need for me to validate you as a valuable human and telling you that you're "still hot", that would be great.
If we move in together I demand you bring no less than 3 cats and 47 pairs of shoes and plenty of baggage.
Also, whenever possible please judge me against your old boyfriends by either telling me I'm just like <insert name here> who was also an asshole and then when you really want to spit venom tell me how I'll never be as good a boyfriend as <insert name here>.
If this all works for you then I say let's move forward into this meaningless long term relationship.
Muddy -
User Reviews
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2009-02-02 17:49:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This is too sad to warrant a +2
Submitted by MoPed (user info) at 2009-01-09 17:07:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Count it. Would be funny if it didn't hit home so much
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-01-09 11:26:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2009-01-07 12:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet Jesus I am your girl!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-07 05:03:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-07 09:14:47 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in therapy.
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About time.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-07 04:36:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-07 04:14:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm in therapy.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-07 03:14:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Also, whenever possible please judge me against your old boyfriends by either telling me I'm just like <insert name here> who was also an asshole and then when you really want to spit venom tell me how I'll never be as good a boyfriend as <insert name here>
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How accurate this is.
Surely humans are geared towards being alone?
Being in a relationship does make you think about all the fucking things you cant do anymore, oh and perving, that's more difficult in a relationship.
Good grief. Life is SO hard.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-01-07 00:08:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll take any chick who's cooter smells like ganga.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2009-01-06 23:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Alas, I've been outstaged. And Doodles has already won my undying love with his blinding inadequacy.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-01-06 22:29:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2009-01-06 21:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
17 dicks? You've sucked 17 dicks?
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The quote is 37, you fucking dumbass.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2009-01-06 21:52:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That gerbil is trying its best to deep throat the hell out of that baby carrot.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2009-01-06 21:44:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
17 dicks? You've sucked 17 dicks?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-06 19:38:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-01-06 18:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
only 47? :-(
___________________
Yes, but how many dicks have you sucked?
HOW MANY???
*runs away*
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-01-06 18:32:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-01-06 18:22:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
only 47? :-(
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-01-06 17:25:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
the perimeters for my next partner are quite narrow but very simple
to qualify all she needs to do is be the owner/operator of her own escort-service and put me in charge of all R+D projects
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh, that was meanly sarcastic and unfounded of me.
Jack, in all seriousness and barring all sarcasm, I really do think it's awesome that you wrote a book, got it published, and sell it on amazon.com. Fuck anyone who mocks you for it...I think people just tease because it's always fun to attempt to humble those in superior positions than us. Good show, man.
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It's also always fun to kick people when they're down, which I think is more the case with Jack.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:41:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Between you and I, Shlongy has sold the same number of books on Amazon.com as Jack has...an amazing feat when you consider I haven't written mine yet.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:39:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm "in" in they are.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:39:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Eh, that was meanly sarcastic and unfounded of me.
Jack, in all seriousness and barring all sarcasm, I really do think it's awesome that you wrote a book, got it published, and sell it on amazon.com. Fuck anyone who mocks you for it...I think people just tease because it's always fun to attempt to humble those in superior positions than us. Good show, man.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey, my sister's getting her's done on the 15th...you should make it a double header.
They're both gingers.
And I WILL let you know how it goes. I WILL let you know.
Maybe I'll become as awesome as Jack McCallum with his 800 cats and write a book like "Made in the USA", i.e. one cool enough to make it on the likes of amazon.com!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just let me know how many Prince Charmings you come up with over the next 40 years of your loony tunes life, sage.
Meanwhile, I'll be over there, fucking the hell out of your fake titted mom.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:28:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Shlongy, the fact that guys like you WOULDN'T search for their "next broad" online is all the more motivation for me to keep my internet dating profile active.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah- have a + 2. This wasn't as horseshit as your last 47 posts.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:08:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If I ever have to resort to a persoanl ad or the internet to find my NEXT broad, you ALL have permission to shoot me in the face, multiple times.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 15:00:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Flyers vs. Caps at 7:30
************************
AWESOME. I'm totally watching this game if I can help it. Too bad I don't get VS. Canadian owned bar it is. :)
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:39:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Flyers vs. Caps at 7:30
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:37:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sex and hockey? Cool! Slap something around on a cold surface.
Sounds like my ex-wife.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:32:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have one cat that will probably die soon and 8 pairs of shoes, mostly functional and including my fuzzy slippers.
but i put out on a regular basis and always have a job.
=======================
"A regular basis." To most women that is twice a month.
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daily was preferable. but i'm never having sex again now so i guess i have to take that off the resume. but i'll still always have a job and i can cook really really well.
************
Holy crap Inion, we have the same idea. Mine's actually my New Year's Resolution.
Picture it in lights: "2009: The Year of Sexual Abstinence".
It's actually not my NYR, but it's a fun idea and maybe I'll run with it for a while and see how long it lasts.
Speaking of NYR I wonder if there's any hockey on tonight.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:23:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:17:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
it touches my heart to see people falling in love...
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:14:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nope guess again pilgrim
its from the movie "The Believers" with Martin Sheen
**************
Eh, it's ALSO from "Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark", at least part of it.
A quick Google search proves this is common consensus; see for yourself: http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&rlz=1G1GGLQ_ENUS290&q=scary+stories+to+tell+in+the+dark+spiders&btnG=Search
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2009-01-06 14:11:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
........ :>)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
they make a pill for that now. also yoga helps ED.
===============
No ED here, just that old Pennsylvania-Dutch disease, "Lackawanna,"
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:52:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yes.
they make a pill for that now. also yoga helps ED.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:49:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have one cat that will probably die soon and 8 pairs of shoes, mostly functional and including my fuzzy slippers.
but i put out on a regular basis and always have a job.
=======================
"A regular basis." To most women that is twice a month.
---------
well i used to prefer daily. but now i'm signed off completely on that. so i will replace "puts out regularly" with "cooks and cleans and doesn't care if you fuck other women as long as it's not in my bed and you never make a pass at me"
better?
=================
I got ten dollah (make you hollah) says I can cook as well as you, maybe better. Good food beats the hell out of sex every time. Shit! Does that mean I'm old?
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:45:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
nope guess again pilgrim
its from the movie "The Believers" with Martin Sheen
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
or some african voodoo guy might put a spell on your makeup compact thus resulting in a lump forming on your face only to have it explode with baby spiders.
*************
Wow, way to totally cop a "Scary Stories" story.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have one cat that will probably die soon and 8 pairs of shoes, mostly functional and including my fuzzy slippers.
but i put out on a regular basis and always have a job.
=======================
"A regular basis." To most women that is twice a month.
---------
well i used to prefer daily. but now i'm signed off completely on that. so i will replace "puts out regularly" with "cooks and cleans and doesn't care if you fuck other women as long as it's not in my bed and you never make a pass at me"
better?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:21:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have one cat that will probably die soon and 8 pairs of shoes, mostly functional and including my fuzzy slippers.
but i put out on a regular basis and always have a job.
=======================
"A regular basis." To most women that is twice a month.
-------
daily was preferable. but i'm never having sex again now so i guess i have to take that off the resume. but i'll still always have a job and i can cook really really well.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:19:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have one cat that will probably die soon and 8 pairs of shoes, mostly functional and including my fuzzy slippers.
but i put out on a regular basis and always have a job.
=======================
"A regular basis." To most women that is twice a month.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:12:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd rather fall in love than stay in love and I have a strange affinity for assholes.
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actually that kinda means assholes are perfect for you. you get to fall for the bad boy and then chuck him when he gets too obnoxious to be around.
your next camwhore should be a pic of all your shoes.
***************
Astute observation, and great idea. :)
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:05:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
or some african voodoo guy might put a spell on your makeup compact thus resulting in a lump forming on your face only to have it explode with baby spiders.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:05:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd rather fall in love than stay in love and I have a strange affinity for assholes.
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actually that kinda means assholes are perfect for you. you get to fall for the bad boy and then chuck him when he gets too obnoxious to be around.
your next camwhore should be a pic of all your shoes.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:03:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have one kitten, I'm doing something with my worthwhile degree and getting another, and for the life of me I can't gain weight, regardless of the "scads of Ben & Jerry's and pizza", Captain Morgan, and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches I shove down my gullet.
BUT, I am a huge pothead, a procrastinator, and I bob and weave between being a self-absorbed cunt and a selfless, self-proclaimed "saint"; therefore I need no validation from outside sources. I'm narcissistic and superficial and I'm afraid of children, heights, spiders, and car accidents.
I'd rather fall in love than stay in love and I have a strange affinity for assholes.
What do you think, Muddy, good fit?
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I predict that you will die when your car drives off the side of a very high bridge because you lost control due to children releasing a jar full of spiders in the back seat.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:01:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
PS: I probably have over 47 pairs of shoes...so that should make up for the two other cats.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-06 13:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have one kitten, I'm doing something with my worthwhile degree and getting another, and for the life of me I can't gain weight, regardless of the "scads of Ben & Jerry's and pizza", Captain Morgan, and McDonald's breakfast sandwiches I shove down my gullet.
BUT, I am a huge pothead, a procrastinator, and I bob and weave between being a self-absorbed cunt and a selfless, self-proclaimed "saint"; therefore I need no validation from outside sources. I'm narcissistic and superficial and I'm afraid of children, heights, spiders, and car accidents.
I'd rather fall in love than stay in love and I have a strange affinity for assholes.
What do you think, Muddy, good fit?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:58:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:51:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i have one cat that will probably die soon and 8 pairs of shoes, mostly functional and including my fuzzy slippers.
but i put out on a regular basis and always have a job.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:36:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Could someone explain the whole WoW thing? I understand what it is and how it works, but I don't understand how this particular game leads to this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QYkgQNC_S0I
Seriously, if you ever need to feel good about yourself, watch that video.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:29:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
win
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:28:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well you have more ganja hookups than I do so that weighs strongly in your favor
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-01-06 12:27:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I only have 2 kittens and I don't own that many shoes. Will I still be considered?