Half-Parted (486 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.15 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ballare (View user info) at 2009-01-12 03:42:47 EST
The tide is much too swift for her and she paddles harder against it, thrashing her feet uselessly against it. Shore is only a length or two away, and her toes are grazing through sifting sand underfoot; finally she catches purchase and with a graceless flop of her body she throws herself to safety, drenched and heaving hard to fill her lungs again with sweet, new air.
For a moment or two she sags against the security of it, her fingers working into the pebbled earth and her cheek pressed hard to it. She doesn't care that her hair is wildly mussed, plastered to her skull, or that when she lifts her head and weary gaze there are small stones that remain stuck against her white skin.
She laughs aloud, a harsh but jubilant noise.
"There is cutting, extra improved red disinfecting," she mutters, shoving himself straight and passing a hand over her unkempt clothing, paying special attention at digging through her pocket, the search which produces nothing but a trickle of sand but that seems to delight her wholly, and she sprinkles it gaily over herself.
"Sister," her voice admonishes, disapprovingly, as she casts her eyes about to settle fleetingly on a stack of brown cardboard boxes, the flaps idly quivering in the breeze, "you are half-parted, since nowhere."
She picks her way over to these wetted crates, dripping her hair over them and leaving rounded beads trailing down in tearstains as she squats next to an open top.
Shutting her eyes tight, she jerks one hand away from her body to dip it into the shadowed container, turning her head away as she shudders against the feeling of slickness against her skin, silky material slithering between her grasping fingertips. Between pinched nails, she dangles a long and glossy plait, a length of hair swinging gently back and forth.
"This is not," she begins, and then the words trail into hushed tones, "this is -- not."
Then, after some indefinite amount of time is spent in still contemplation:
"No! Sister!" It is a horrified squeal, and she swiftly retracts her hand to clasp it to her breast, to widen greyed eyes out over the tossing water, something catching her attention further out; perhaps it is that bloated, rounded shape partly submerged, or that the braid has slipped back into the cardboard box to tumble against a rounded, bleach-white skull, to coil around crooked fingers showing glistening bone under tendon and muscle.
The woman lurches to her feet again, staggering back towards the turbid, tumultuous ocean, the blood streaking her blouse still not cleansed by the waters of it. With strangled, choking laughter she plunges herself back into the dragging, drawing tide, leaving her eyes wide against the harsh salted sea; the tide is much too swift for her and she paddles harder against it, thrashing her feet uselessly against it.
User Reviews
Submitted by sketch9 (user info) at 2009-04-02 00:52:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YALL NIGGAS BEEN TROLLED
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-01-13 09:00:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-01-13 05:47:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked "delight her wholly" and I like you. Word.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-12 18:18:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read a word of this but banjo is a fucking idiot so have a complimentary +2, on Shlongy.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-12 17:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-01-12 15:47:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
it's just so....odd.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-12 15:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, someone needs some therapy.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-12 10:03:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
everyone gets +2s today
i can't decide if this was actually 'worth it' or not and really even thinking about the 'worth' of an uber post has got me feeling bad about myself because, really, what a silly, silly concept that even is.
i sure like this coffee i'm drinking.
+2 coffee
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-12 09:23:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a little vague. I liked the effort, though.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-01-12 06:46:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You know nouns, can be your friend.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-12 04:47:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I know... but you usually do better. Like I said, I like the scene, the mood and the idea. Maybe you need to reign in your unusual word choice a little and think about what you're trying to achieve. Less is more sometimes. Like the girl is clearly an oddity but the scene is not. Sea, waves, beach etc. I would have expected these descriptions to flow and the oddness to come with the description of the girl and skull etc. Instead it's odd throughout taking the emphasis off the focus, which is the weird girl swimming to shore, saying some off the wall stuff, finding a skull and swimming off again. Left me at the end going wtf?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-01-12 04:11:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
but unusual word choice is, like, my thing, man.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-12 04:10:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B a n j o
b a n j o
b a n j o
and banjo is her name o
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-12 04:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Erm... I didn't like a lot of the description and thought some of the word choice was out of place. I liked the scene and the mood you were trying to create but it fell down in places.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-12 03:57:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.... but could have done with a picture to capture the posts atmosphere. So to speak.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-12 03:48:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"There is cutting, extra improved red disinfecting," she mutters, shoving himself straight...
That sentence confused me.
As did the rest of it...