ADD09 - Bugs for Breakfast (726 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.73 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (View user info) at 2009-01-20 06:04:36 EST
It was a sunday morning in late May and I sat at my computer wondering what the concept of jealousy would look like. I reached down to my side and picked up a bag of gerbils, some of them squealed but I took no notice because my attention was caught by the orange peel on my replica Rosetta Stone.
I meandered from my computer to the uncomputer room, this is the only room in my house that doesn't have a computer in it. It's where I go to think about computers without the distraction of a computer being there. My personal trainer and her gecko tell me that I am obsessed with all things computing and that one day if the wind changes I will be stuck forever typing the same word, and that they hope to high heaven that word won't be 'skullduggery'.
It's no coincidence that coincidences happen a lot, it's just all percentages. If you wait long enough all possibilities will happen, just basic maths, like those games where you put two names together and add up the letters to see if you love each other. I learned in school I could kiss any girl by simply telling them 'our' percentage was 95%+. Of course it also helped that I had a gun to their head at the time.
If it wasn't for the fact that I'm a psychopath I would probably be working in a zoo. Every time I fill in my application and write 'psychopathic tendencies' in the medical history section they never call me for an interview. The annoying thing is am very good at interviews. I like the insects the best, especially the praying mantis, because despite it's fearsome look the reality is I can pull one of it's legs off with no more effort than it would take me to break a breadstick, even one soaked in olive oil. Praying mantis taste bad though, so I tend to stick to porridge.
I sat at my computer in the gloom wondering what I should do with the leg. A fly landed on the leg, and then another and another as they escaped the festering orange peel that had just toppled from its perch on the Rosetta Stone. I picked it up from the foot end and swang it around my head, I felt dizzy so I stopped, I didn't want to crush the gerbils. It wasn't cutting the leg off that was the difficult part, it was persuading her that it would be fun. She seemed to think otherwise, lack of imagination if you ask me.
User Reviews
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-26 12:44:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
ahhh well, screw it fey, you wrote a damn good story. WIN IT FOR ME!
*swoon*
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-01-26 12:00:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
=(
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:45:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-23 18:32:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO EGGS AND NO JOHN MOZELIAK = AUTO -2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-23 18:08:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/kaos-king/l/add09
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-22 17:29:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ROB! Don't be bad to EI!
He's 35 don't you know, he could have a heart attack or something!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-01-22 16:36:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm completely shocked, personally.
I mean... LOOK AT YOU.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-22 16:32:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-22 16:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you sound very surprised LM lol
_______
Not because it's from you sweetie! It's just uber has been a bit dry of anything truely decent recently. There's the odd gem like this, but not a lot going at the mo.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-22 16:24:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you sound very surprised LM lol
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-22 16:17:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me running, this was brilliant!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-01-22 10:27:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best one yet
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 04:29:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-22 01:44:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-01-21 15:10:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-20 20:49:11 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-01-20 14:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-20 12:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We should light something on fire sometime.
-----------------
Hows about we recreate 1666 and burn London to the ground?
I'll bring the matches, w00t!!
-----------------
DEAL!
-----------------
Ok, I bagsy the moniker 'Abdullah Ahmed Durka-Durka Mohammed Jihad III'. The three of us can all wear EI masks, except for EI, he doesn't need one, because everyone mistakes him for Bill Cosby anyway.
They're all wrong though, he's much more like Zack Morris from his 'Saved by the Bell' days.
Submitted by StarBelliedSneetch (user info) at 2009-01-20 22:01:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Like a cleaner Naked Lunch
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-20 15:49:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-01-20 14:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-20 12:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We should light something on fire sometime.
-----------------
Hows about we recreate 1666 and burn London to the ground?
I'll bring the matches, w00t!!
-----------------
DEAL!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-20 15:41:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I REFUSE TO READ THIS.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-01-20 14:35:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-20 12:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We should light something on fire sometime.
-----------------
Hows about we recreate 1666 and burn London to the ground?
I'll bring the matches, w00t!!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-20 14:28:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
you're mental :p
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-20 13:59:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
its under 550 words thats all that counts!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-01-20 13:36:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NO WORD COUNT YOU LOSE.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-01-20 12:59:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't give up putting effort into über posts, if this is what happens.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-20 12:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
We should light something on fire sometime.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-01-20 12:39:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"skullduggery", "swang", and the last paragraph.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-20 09:37:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Why do I get the feeling that this isn't Flash Fiction and more likely Flash Non-Fiction...
You are a deeply worrying individual EI...
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-01-20 09:16:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-20 08:28:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Rosetta Stone
-------------------------------------------------
Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!!! You've said the magic word! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
Next on EI's Playhouse, we interview chairy, about her miserable childhood as a little futon.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-01-20 08:25:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
George 'Dubya' Bush with his intellectual superior.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-01-20 08:21:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this but I'm just counting on a +2 sometime later.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-20 06:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
when i say effort, i mean a photo of george bush.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-20 06:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
damn it, i only want +2's! DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!!
oh well, ive lost, thats the last time I put effort into an uber post.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-01-20 06:31:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rosetta are you better, are you well, well well?