Murphy, STD (556 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.67 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2009-01-22 06:49:47 EST
You think twice about committing murder when you work in law-enforcement. He'd thought about it before, sure - but he'd never been backed into a corner like this, where it was his only option. Kill or be killed. Not that he was a stranger to death, by any means. In his line of work it was unavoidable. He'd handled corpses, maybe even got lucky with a few stray bullets fired into a crowd. But this - premeditated, deliberate murder - was another story altogether. He ran his numb fingers along the sharp end of the blade, and stepped quietly through the doorway.
* * * * *
Jim Murphy, STD, woke up spluttering and coughing. His tongue was swollen and dry, and his gut grumbled unhappily. Too much booze, he told himself. Need to slow down. Where had he heard that before? Reaching into the pocket of his trousers, which he'd slept in, he pulled out his phone. Checking the time, he almost gagged. He started work in ten minutes. Luckily, he was already dressed in his uniform.
He walked as fast as he could through the streets, slowing only when the store came into sight. Then, he affected his trademark limp, in case anyone was standing outside having a smoke. The source of his limp changed when he was asked about it, from person to person, depending on how much bullshit he was in the mood to make up. Sometimes it was a knife wound. Sometimes an old rugby knock. The cold weather makes it worse. They always nod and smiled sympathetically.
The limp was a brilliant weapon in his line of work - it meant he could go slowly if he didn't fancy catching up with a dangerous-looking thief, and gain excessive praise on those occasions when he did make an arrest. It was a win-win situation. He took a deep swig from his hip-flask, wincing as the booze scratched its way down his throat.
He needed it, particularly after a night of heavy drinking. It settled his stomach and stopped the shakes. It also masked the crippling shyness he'd suffered from since he was a boy. Nobody wanted to talk to Quiet James, but Drinkin' Jim was everyone's buddy. Drinkin' Jim was a riot. Whisky was his spinach.
He answered his mobile phone. "Murphy, STD."
"...STD?" asked a rasping voice on the end of the line.
"Store Theft Detective," he explained.
"Ah...I'm just calling to make sure your contact details on the application form were accurate. I spoke to the Boss, and we're good to go. Everything's arranged. Expect developments within two to three days. We'll be in touch." Click.
Murphy was baffled. He could barely remember what he'd been drinking last night, never mind who he'd spoken to. He must've given his number to someone...but who? It didn't ring any bells.
He straightened the security tag on his breast pocket and stepped through the automatic doors of the pharmacy. The bright lights caused his head to throb, and he limped painfully to his office, switching on the CCTV monitors and collapsing in the chair.
"You're late," snapped Henderson, the store manager, bursting into the small room without knocking. Henderson was a bald, spectacled ogre of a man with a degree in business and pharmaceuticals. Murphy's dislike of him was mutual.
"I was securing the perimeter," Murphy lied. "Ensuring the safety of the loading docks and delivery entrance. You don't really expect your Store Theft Detective to have to - "
"I've told you before Jim, your fucking job title is Security Guard. Enough with this 'Detective' bollocks already," Henderson sneered.
"Listen, son, when I was at Scotland Yard - "
"Oh, shut the fuck up about Scotland bloody Yard. I couldn't give a shit. All I know is that you're ten minutes late and you've missed him. Again."
"Missed who?"
"Oh, I don't know - Santa, maybe? Who the fuck do you think? The same thieving bastard you've missed every other day for the last month, costing me a fortune in stolen goods."
"The Prawn Sandwich Prowler," growled Murphy, his brow darkening at the mention of his nemesis. "What did he take this time?"
Henderson slapped a tape into the CCTV monitor. "Take a look for yourself. Here he comes now - wearing a hat, see, pulled down low. Must've been expecting some sort of security presence," he flashed a withering glare at the STD, "and he keeps to the quieter aisles. I've not had a chance to check the stock numbers but it looks like he helps himself to an electric toothbrush, a bottle of moisturiser, and some lunch. And, of course, a fucking prawn sandwich. As usual."
"His trademark calling card," cursed Murphy, clenching his fist into a ball. "I'll get the little bastard."
"You fucking better. He's stolen over £200 worth of stock in the last month, Jimmy boy. I'm sick of putting up with the shit from head office. From now on it's your balls in the vice - comprendé?"
Henderson slammed the door behind him before Murphy could answer. The Store Theft Detective rewound the video and watched it back, slowing it down and zooming in on the thief. The cheeky little shit. How the fuck was he going to catch him, though? He was far too young to be chased, especially with the limp. Plus, he looked like a powerful wee cunt.
Murphy picked up the phone. "Henderson - it's me, Murphy. STD. Listen, have you ever considered discontinuing our line of prawn sandwiches? Hello?"
* * * * *
Next week, on Murphy, STD:
Murphy crunched the empty cigarette packet up in his hand, and puffs happily, lost in a cloud of smoke. His phone rings.
"It's Henderson," says a weeping employee. "He's been killed!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-23 00:22:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Note the +2, even though you've been an asshole to me in the past. Straighten up, dipstick.
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-22 16:08:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-01-22 15:54:44 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-01-22 15:31:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I really want a damned sammich now.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-01-22 15:26:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-01-22 14:27:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"He'd handled corpses, maybe even got lucky with a few stray bullets fired into a crowd."
That alone is worth the plus 2.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-01-22 13:11:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
NICE STORY, BELL.
PS, FUCK YOU.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-01-22 13:10:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-01-22 12:33:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by snagglepuss (user info) at 2009-01-22 11:11:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...Murphy reminds me of my favorite detective, Assy McGee.
Submitted by Mr_Trollope (user info) at 2009-01-22 10:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-22 10:45:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 Thursday
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:34:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Not that he was a stranger to death"
That was the only part I didn't like - It's one of those lines that keep getting repeated over and over and will eventually get used in a 'spy parody movie' as it's tagline. The rest of the story was fucking brilliant.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:17:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-01-22 13:15:00 GMT (#)
Ranking: 1
I intentionally gave this a +1 with only reading the reviews if that makes it any better.
LOL
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:15:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I intentionally gave this a +1 with only reading the reviews if that makes it any better.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:14:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
socialism looks like fun.
you are missing some comedy gems with that dwarf troyer guy.
It was an accident. what is for lunch today anyway? Gareth from accounts or Simon in Sales??
:)
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:12:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm lunching at my desk, you meanie.
No I don't watch CBB, but Tommy was very friendly and charismatic when I met him. When I told him who I was he was very warm and didn't try to push his politics (socialist nutter) on me at all.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:10:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you at lunch? that gives me 20 clear minutes to try and fix the rating before you come back with greggs coronation chicken on your tie to find i accidentally ruined your streak
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:07:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ooops sorry that was accidental
sorry
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:06:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
mail me his number :)
yeah, i like hairy fellas and there is something very sexy about his public speaking.
his accent, his views, his passion? i have no idea.
do you watch it?
coolio's tears for barack was genuinely touching. bought the enormity of it home.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-01-22 08:03:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 12:52:51 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
i rather fancy that hairy tommy chap on CBB, he is scottish.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Really? Tommy Sheridan? Funny story - he played junior football for my grandpa's football team when he was young, and his wife worked with my mum behind the bar in a snooker hall. They were both at my mum and dad's wedding.
I saw him campaigning on Buchanan Street a couple of years ago for the election, and went over to introduce myself. I told him he knew my family and had a pint with him later on.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 07:52:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i rather fancy that hairy tommy chap on CBB, he is scottish.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-22 07:49:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-01-22 07:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Or it's simply because the Scottish are recognised as the cleverest, prettiest, most wonderful people in the whole wide world.
__________
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA........*dies*
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-01-22 07:44:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The headquarters were originally in a London street that was called 'Scotland Yard', apparently.
Or it's simply because the Scottish are recognised as the cleverest, prettiest, most wonderful people in the whole wide world.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-01-22 07:43:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Absouloubtly bloody marvelous
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-22 07:41:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
why is it called scotland yard?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-22 07:18:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
That prawn sammich looks tasty, alright...