Losing What You Love, and How To Get It Back (732 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.62 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by someone (View user info) at 2009-01-24 20:57:56 EST
Have you ever lost the thing in your life that you loved more than anything else? When it's gone, a piece of you actually leaves with it, and there is a gaping hole where it once was, that causes anxious knots to form in the stomach, and many a sleepless night.
What's worse is when this love of yours leaves because of faults that were strictly your own. During those sleepless nights, you replay every action and reaction from moments past over and over again, convinced somehow in these intimate moments of recollection that redundancy can somehow reshape things once done, never to be returned. In the morning, those haunting few moments when sleep leaves you and reality begins to shape itself, there is a fleeting moment when it is fully realized that those mantra-like sessions from the night prior were entirely futile, that things are what they have been and only the bleak future remains.
I've lost this love, and I'll stop at nothing to destroy the past, the horrible moments I've created and made concrete—and in the future the world will become a stage in which everything exists solely to find what I've lost.
My love was a Portuguese woman with an Irish name, fiery and demanding like her ancestors. She was two years older then I, but I was a rather immature twenty-something, and as such she was as much a mother as a lover, a Freudian figure of need and lust. She took three years of my life in such a brief moment that when it ended I sat in bed for two weeks trying to write letters to no one, still unsure of how to proceed, grieving but hopeful, full of despair but grateful that I could finally breathe.
Worse, she had a child who I watched grow and tried to care for like my own son. True, I was often a child caring for one, but I had watched him grow and learn to talk. I had read him stories in bed and played action figures with him. I would be happiest when, in a fit of excitement, he would mistakenly call me "dad" until he realized that I was in fact just the lover of his mother. Still, it gave me hope for the future when I could be mature enough to be his father, to send him to school and then to college, to watch him fall and love and have his heart broken, to make his mother proud of her early years of sacrifice as a single mom.
When he wasn't excited, he just called me "guy" which began as a joke but became more fitting as time went on, and now as of this writing I'm sure I exist in his memory as not much more than that. I can be easily replaced with such a name, a figure that will fade with time and be replaced by someone more able. I shudder to think that, it gives me those knots in the stomach that I mentioned above, and I won't let that be the case.
Moving on, I spend the obligatory first few weeks in bed, unable to garner enough energy to move forward, somehow blissfully unaware that inaction would somehow produce favorable results. Such as, my other (that's what we had called one another) would catch wind of my crippling depression, and find pity for me, and come up the stairs with her hand outstretched and offer me hope. After spending such time waiting for the footsteps that never came, I woke up one morning disgustingly satisfied and determined to move forward.
True, there are still those nights that I lie in bed alone, and think of the look on her face when she came to discover the lies, the trust she had built in me was a sham, and the look of disappointment on her face that turned to such despair then anger, it makes me nearly cry when I think about it. However, someone whose name I have since forgotten reassured me that the past is unchangeable, and although I had researched time travel and memory loss, ala—Eternal Sunshine style, I came to realize quickly that the best result is changing the future, and making appropriate decisions that require patience and time.
It is appropriate at this time, if you are still reading, to know that in no such way have I forgotten about my lover, that Portuguese-Irish woman who can steal the heart of any man she desires. She is still very, very much on my mind. She is on it even know, as I sit home on Saturday typing short stories and jotting notes in my journal, while she is out most likely being courted by another man who wants the love she brings. While I sit in patience, I'm certain she will once again be mine. Knowing full well the hurt I've caused her, and the hatred she feels toward me, I will not give up, no never. That is the solution to the puzzle that I'm certain I've now solved. If you in fact lose the one you love, then sorrow or regret does nothing to return them to you. Of course, feeling these emotions is natural and should be experienced to some extent. But they will not rectify things wronged. The only solution to that is drastic and dire change. Change that is so significant, that even the worst of things can be undone, because that person will look and not believe such a transformation can be possible. I'm thinking Kafka-esque change in reverse, from insect to man. My reasoning is thus: If she may love an insect, then surely a man will cause her even more affection.
There are two other important areas worthy of note: Time and persistence. Knowing full well that the hurt or disappointment caused to someone can not immediately be rectified, the best solution is to allow them to have ample time to heal. My thought is a period of six months at minimal, but I expect longer time to pass before I'm ready to face my lover again. Persistence is consistent with time and change, and requires great sacrifice and desire to make that person see the efforts being made to restore love that has been lost. Do not confuse persistence with neediness or annoyance. Persistence says "Do as you please, but I'll be waiting".
With all these things in mind, the world becomes an oyster. Within three weeks I've made significant physical changes, mental changes, and a new career path. I've made steps to enroll in a graduate program I've always wanted to do but never had the motivation. Nothing frightens me anymore. All my doubts, all my uncertainties have been put aside. When I see her again, it will be such a drastic change that she'll scarcely recognize me. I don't want to see her until I'm ready and I still have a long way to go. I feel like every person I meet, every move I make, it all is irrelevant. They are infinitely disposable, not to say I've become cynical, but rather I have no fear of being bested. Long down the line, far down the road, I see my future, and she has beautiful black hair, long legs, and eyes that can pierce through the soul and see the true nature of a man. Someday, when she looks back into mine, she'll see only a squashed insect.
Her name, I should note, is Deirdre. It means "sorrowful" in Irish.
User Reviews
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-01-26 12:06:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Have you ever lost the thing in your life that you loved more than anything else? When it's gone, a piece of you actually leaves with it, and there is a gaping hole where it once was, that causes anxious knots to form in the stomach, and many a sleepless night
~~~
Yes.
My faux zebra skin stilleto boots than I left in a bar one night.
*sobs*
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-26 07:29:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2009-01-24 23:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes you lose what you love because THEY did wrong. That's hard, too; because you shouldn't get that back. It's a lose-lose.
************
I agree with the above. Oh, and skate it off. Stop chasing it. It's not meant to be.
Submitted by bromide (user info) at 2009-01-26 07:14:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
What a shame.
I have little sympathy for you though. It's far worse when you lose someone through no fault of your own, you still blame yourself yet you know it's not actually your fault.
Learn from it and don't fuck up with the next one.
Oh and the name Deidre reminds me of an old woman from Coronation Street. Haha!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:14:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i agree with dangerbot_2000, loving things is gay.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-01-25 13:01:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
As far as anyone knows we're a nice, normal family.
-- Homer Simpson
There's No Disgrace Like Home
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-25 12:12:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, bugger it. Though I thought some of this was tried and tested, it is really good to see someone writing.
Have you ever lost the thing in your life that you loved more than anything else? When it's gone, a piece of you actually leaves with it, and there is a gaping hole where it once was, that causes anxious knots to form in the stomach, and many a sleepless night.
___
and yes. I know that feeling very well. Too well. I'm lucky though, he always comes back.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-01-25 11:41:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Showing your age with that reference, darling. I had to google it.
Submitted by audie_murphy (user info) at 2009-01-25 10:20:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-01-25 09:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um. I'm not sure how to take this. You're sincere, logical and very frightening.
And below, I felt like I knew who you were with the first review of yours that I read, but I was uncertain. Then I read a second, and thought; yep, must be. Now I read a third and think; gotcha!
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woah, it's like i'm dealing with the sweeney.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-25 09:56:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I once lost a quarter in a USA TODAY machine and IT SUCKED.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-01-25 09:33:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Um. I'm not sure how to take this. You're sincere, logical and very frightening.
And below, I felt like I knew who you were with the first review of yours that I read, but I was uncertain. Then I read a second, and thought; yep, must be. Now I read a third and think; gotcha!
Submitted by audie_murphy (user info) at 2009-01-25 09:08:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
loving things is gay
RAINBOWS FTW
god dammit
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-25 08:48:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Uh... skate it off?
Good luck.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-01-25 01:34:48 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Stand and deliver!
I'm the dandy highwayman who you're too scared to mention
I spend my cash on looking flash and grabbing your attention
the devil take your stereo and your record collection! (oh-oh)
the way you look you'll qualify for next year's old age pension!
stand and deliver your money or your life!
try and use a mirror no bullet or a knife!
I'm the dandy highwayman so sick of easy fashion
the clumsy boots, peek-a-boo roots that people think so dashing
so what's the point of robbery when nothing is worth taking? (oh oh)
it's kind of tough to tell a scruff the big mistake he's making
stand and deliver your money or your life!
try and use a mirror no bullet or a knife!
and even though you fool your soul
your conscience will be mine
all mine
qua qua da diddley qua qua da diddley
qua qua da diddley qua qua da diddley
Submitted by evilmedley (user info) at 2009-01-25 00:40:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Luck.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-01-25 00:19:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
WTFIRAT and it seems to me that, after you accomplish all the changes you're attempting in order to win back this sorrowful woman, you might be better served to send her a short thank you note with a toy for the kid and find a new and less sorrowful person on which to focus your attentions. Someone with whom you have no damaged past.
Or go back to demanding, hot-tempered single mom. Either way, you know, suit yourself.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2009-01-24 23:08:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sometimes you lose what you love because THEY did wrong. That's hard, too; because you shouldn't get that back. It's a lose-lose.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-01-24 23:08:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
....wtfinrat
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2009-01-24 22:04:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
emo