Hilarious reading at the expense of sexually naive Christians. (1603 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by netimportant (View user info) at 2009-01-25 14:07:31 EST
www.themarriagebed.com/boards
Excerpts below (with bonus comments by netimportant!)
From "engaged. Should I wax?"
"My finace and I are getting married in 16 days. In the past he struggled a lot with pornography and masturbation. We went through a lot of striving to overcome this battle. But, praise be to God, He is very gracious!
Anyway, Him and I are both in our 20's and still virgins. I have been trying to figure out wether I should get a total wax a few nights before the wedding. I have been told that the first time we have sex will be the "ultimate" time. Sure it wont be totally awesome, since we never had sex before, but it will be that intimate feeling for the first time. He has mentioned that he would like it if i shaved, and when i go tanning if i tan my whole body. He is not forceful at all and never said I had to, he was mearly telling me what he would like.
Only I'm afraid that since it will be the "ultimate" time, all the times after will be compaired to this first time."
netimportant says:
First, let me say, I understand. I've struggled a lot with pornography and masturbation. Only it wasn't a struggle...it was awesome.
Second, ha, hahaha. "That intimate feeling for the first time" is going to feel like shoving a cucumber up your nostril, then taking it back out again, a couple hundred times. Or in your husband's case, ten times, after which you'll lie there awkwardly and wonder why you spent all that time and money slathering your body with spray tan that smells like sweaty feet.
From "Visible Erection"
"For the more normal people, I would say if it causes an erection, then stop."
netimportant says:
What? All along I've thought that if I'm making out with a dude and he doesn't have a boner the size of Mount Rushmore, I'm doing something wrong. Now I come to find that an erection is a signal to STOP IMMEDIATELY. You learn something new everyday!
From "Confusion about Boundaries"
"When my FH and I started dating, we set pretty strict boundaries for ourselves so that even if we crossed the line, we would still be far from having sex. our two "unbreakable" boundaries were that our clothes had to stay on and we couldn't have sex.
We are now 3 months away from the wedding...we've crossed the boundaries several times but not the "unbreakable" ones...."
netimportant says:
I don't think these people are conservative at all. I think they're hardcore risk-takers. I mean, they're three months away from getting married and have never seen each other naked. For all she knows, he has a penis the size of a baby's thumb and for all he knows, she has a penis the size of a baby's thumb. And once they finally find out about each other, there's no turning back! That's living on the edge!
"Our boundaries are basically the ones that you've said - not to go farther than kissing and also not to kiss each other lying down."
netimportant says:
Not to kiss each other lying down? There's not even a "base" for that in junior high terms...that's like, shortstop. What I want to know is, at exactly what angle must these people stop kissing? 90 degrees? 45 degrees? If you're making out on the futon and lean back against the arm, is it still safe?
"bride2be, first of all I think we impose a lot of these things on ourselves. Some pastors, and many parents, insist on long engagements, which I actually think is unwise. When a couple falls in love and wants to get married they should. They shouldn't wait until after college, or after he gets out of the service, or after anything. Paul said it is better to marry than burn..."
netimportant says:
Yeah, that's a fantastic idea. Don't really get to know your partner, or yourself, before you get married. If you're 18 and living in your parents' trailer and just know that guy who works at Arby's is the one for you, go for it right away. You thought about someday getting your Masters, maybe studying in Buenos Aires for a few semesters, opening up a business, but that can wait until you've pumped out six of his kids and put them all through Catholic school on his restaurant manager salary (because one day he'll get a promotion). It's worth having to add crushed cereal to your ground meat to make it stretch farther because he's a REALLY GOOD PERSON.
Have fun!
User Reviews
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2009-05-17 05:15:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My bad; I misspelled "Murdurlated". What's the point of learning new words if you ain't gwon lern dem de rite way, no cherie?
Submitted by NetProphet (user info) at 2009-05-17 05:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
New words I learned today:
~ Finace
~ Murderlated
Yay!
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-04-12 11:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"For all she knows, he has a penis the size of a baby's thumb and for all he knows, she has a penis the size of a baby's thumb"
I thought Lisa's posts were restricted to dog-in-heat menstrual ravings but this was fucking great.
Submitted by johnny.b.dumb (user info) at 2009-04-12 09:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mildly amusing
Submitted by Cacoo (user info) at 2009-04-11 22:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you :)
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2009-04-11 19:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-01-26 18:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I love you.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-01-26 17:06:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliant
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-01-26 16:01:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-26 15:49:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
<3 xoxo below, and two below.
Sorry...maybe I AM the biggest uber whore...
*blushes*
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-01-26 15:39:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah well you know what Sage? You can just..
no that's pretty much me alright.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-26 15:16:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-26 14:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly I think too many Christians take the concept of premarital sex as a sin waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far. What I think is that adultery is a sin and that prostitution (or having sex with a prostitute) is a sin.
I think the Bible, for a lack of a better word, "encourages" sex in marriage ONLY because of the bonding effect sex CAN have on the individual, thus resulting in a more emotionally damaging effect if a couple is to break up. The idea is that a couple gets married, has sex, and are together for life.
I dont necessarily think this means that they HAVE to wait until their wedding night to have sex although that was the tradition, and THAT was only the case because back in the day when people arranged marriages, the deal was that the man got a virgin and when they had sex to "seal" the marriage, the proof was on the bedsheet so to speak, whether or not she was a virgin, and if that wasn't the case then the woman's family had broken the deal and the marriage could be null and void.
Nowadays things are obviously different and it's more taboo to wait until marriage to have sex. I think too much emphasis is put on virginity although it is virtuous for those who choose that path, simply because they're not spreading a bunch of diseases.
I don't think it's wrong to have sex with someone outside of marriage at all, but I catch feelings easily so I can't sleep with people I'm not in a relationship with, without being hurt.
For these people who are clearly in committed relationships and are about to be married, I think they're ridiculous for not having sex. Even my grandmother always said, "you don't buy shoes without trying them on, now do you?"
Huzzah.
-----------------------
It absolutely amazes me that the people of the south haven't risen as one and murdurlated every baptist minister they can get their hands on.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-26 14:50:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Biggest uber whore bitter he didn't make the list, below.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-01-26 14:49:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
rationalizing her promiscuity below
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-26 14:38:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Honestly I think too many Christians take the concept of premarital sex as a sin waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far. What I think is that adultery is a sin and that prostitution (or having sex with a prostitute) is a sin.
I think the Bible, for a lack of a better word, "encourages" sex in marriage ONLY because of the bonding effect sex CAN have on the individual, thus resulting in a more emotionally damaging effect if a couple is to break up. The idea is that a couple gets married, has sex, and are together for life.
I dont necessarily think this means that they HAVE to wait until their wedding night to have sex although that was the tradition, and THAT was only the case because back in the day when people arranged marriages, the deal was that the man got a virgin and when they had sex to "seal" the marriage, the proof was on the bedsheet so to speak, whether or not she was a virgin, and if that wasn't the case then the woman's family had broken the deal and the marriage could be null and void.
Nowadays things are obviously different and it's more taboo to wait until marriage to have sex. I think too much emphasis is put on virginity although it is virtuous for those who choose that path, simply because they're not spreading a bunch of diseases.
I don't think it's wrong to have sex with someone outside of marriage at all, but I catch feelings easily so I can't sleep with people I'm not in a relationship with, without being hurt.
For these people who are clearly in committed relationships and are about to be married, I think they're ridiculous for not having sex. Even my grandmother always said, "you don't buy shoes without trying them on, now do you?"
Huzzah.
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-01-26 12:48:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What I love about this shit is NOWHERE in the bible does it say pre-marital sex is a sin. I actually argued this with my mom in front of our entire extended family. My fiance sat ther mortified the entire time. I got a bible for christmas that year.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-01-26 10:31:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah baby go shave / wax for the first time because the in-growing hairs and stubble the second time will really turn him on.
This confirms it for me, Christians (anyone who relies on any religion as their "crutch") is a fucking idiot.
There are actually people like this in the world! Makes me ashamed to be the same species.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-01-26 08:07:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-01-26 06:56:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
fish in a barrel.
funny, but in a way that makes you realise how jaded the internet makes you, because it would have been much funnier to everyone 5 years ago.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2009-01-26 00:14:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"1) Up till the wedding, sexual expression has been off limits and a sin. Wont doing devotions with your spouse, praying with your spouse, or worshiping God with your spouse immediately before ML [make love] feel a bit weird (at least at first)?"
----
Christian foreplay is fucking weird.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-25 23:00:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-01-25 23:00:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A mildly enjoyable break from school related shnarf tarts.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-01-25 22:34:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-01-25 22:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-01-25 21:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew a fundie grandmother who insisted that the clitoris was a tool of the devil.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't believe in the clitoris. It is obviously Liberal Media propoganda.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-01-25 22:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-01-25 21:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew a fundie grandmother who insisted that the clitoris was a tool of the devil.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It is.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-25 22:22:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The link makes this post worth it.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-01-25 21:37:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Making fun of these people is like calling a retard stupid. It's way too easy and when you do they just give you the canned response about your inability to understand that they are 'special' and 'loved by god' in a way that you are not. Pick a tougher target.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-01-25 21:06:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew a fundie grandmother who insisted that the clitoris was a tool of the devil.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-01-25 20:48:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Val (user info) at 2009-01-25 20:21:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
don't stop, i'm almost there.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:46:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i just got in on the best deal ever. this is how it works.
i broke up with my girlfriend about a month ago and lately she has been working really hard to get me back. she and i have an agreement: she cooks for me every day as long as i agree to have sex with her.
this guy is cool with that.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:45:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:20:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:15:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the kind of great post that keeps on giving. I think I've found the Christian forum that I'd always dreamed of.
Submitted by audie_murphy (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:14:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT HAVING SEX
Submitted by PepsiCoke (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:11:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, this is pretty great.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-01-25 18:06:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Those are some sorry sorry sorry non-fucking human-beings.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2009-01-25 17:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-25 16:36:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-01-25 16:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120857
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120854
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120853
==============
Thanks, Doodles.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2009-01-25 16:28:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
From the topic on why gay marriage is wrong:
"You know, honestly...other than biblically-because the Bible is SO clear on that and people still ignore it, I just look at nature. I mena...ok...for all of those who believe in evolution...I don't...I just figure...they think gay marriage is ok, that homosexuality is ok...and they believe in evolution...well then in their minds, what the heck happened to survival of the fittest? Homosexuality is a a deviance from nature...there is no way, by evolutionary standards that homosexuality could prevail because they cannot procreate...just something that has been in my head.
YES ON 8!!!!!!!!!"
--
wow.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-01-25 16:17:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120857
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120854
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120853
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-01-25 16:04:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I led to THREE bannings today
===============
Who got banned?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:57:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I led to THREE bannings today
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:56:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bwahahahahha
Good evening lechy, where ya been?
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forget the trailer, his wife's snatch must be the size of a small country
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:51:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
taken from the same board:
"Happily married, highly sexual man with 10 children and incredible sex life! "
dude must have a very big trailer.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:17:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to check that board now
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:16:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun-dy
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:05:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fundamentalists are scary.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-25 15:00:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
So now we know...
EI has a crush on that dreamy Christian Bale!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:42:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
its not important, being curious is ok, dont be googling Christian bale/EI now.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:41:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how I feel about that joke EI
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:29:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A* sweets
This had me in bits.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:27:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
by nature christians should be sexually niave
christian bale is the worst, god felatio is soo simple
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:14:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:13:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you still semi-hot and totally crazy?
I hope so. Call me...we'll do lunch.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-25 14:10:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
lol