To alcohol, the cause of and solution to....all of life's problems (750 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SubstnceP (View user info) at 2003-08-14 16:03:40 EDT
I just got this forward and felt as if I had written myself. Unfortunately, I can't take credit for this passage, but it made me chuckle. Enjoy!
Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. Your
many dimensions are mind boggling (different than beer goggling, which I'll
touch upon shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed.
The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the game, and you're even
around in the holidays hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck
in the midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've been wondering
about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best
interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences,
briefed below for your review.
1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important,
I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity
takes place after 2 am.
2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far
from my specialty, why you suggested that I eat a kabob with chili sauce,
coupled with pot noodles and some stale chips (washed down with chocolate
Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat all after a few cheese curls and chili
cheese fries)is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went too far
this time.
3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home
by causing me to fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should
never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.
4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the
last point below, but the following costumes are banned from ever being
placed on my head in public again: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties,
boxes, upside- down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.
5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most
likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if in fact, I do
actually know that person. The phrase "Let's F***" is illegal from now
on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth-block
that would stop this thought from becoming a statement, especially in
public.
6. Furthermore, the hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I know a little penance
for our previous evenings debauchery may be in order, but the 2 pm-hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to
bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn,
the hangover should be minimal and in no way interfere with my daily
Saturday or Sunday (or any day for that matter) activities.
Come on now, it's only fair -- you do your part, I'll do mine.
Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would
like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great
stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order
to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances
above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later
than Thursday 3pm (pre- happy hour) on your possible solutions and hopefully
we can continue this fruitful partnership.
Thank you,
Your biggest fan
User Reviews
Submitted by AlwaysAnEagle (user info) at 2004-02-09 14:22:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Slainte!
Submitted by smile220 (user info) at 2004-02-09 14:08:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
How did you make it? Did you use super glue?
Submitted by Freak_Nasty (user info) at 2003-08-14 16:30:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That beer chair is awesome.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-14 16:16:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Entertaing.
Do not agree.
Alcohol robbed me of my very will to live.
It has returned now that shit is gone.
Entertaining nonetheless.
Submitted by glam_daddy (user info) at 2003-08-14 16:08:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.jokeindex.com/joke.asp?Joke=3521
been there...
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-08-14 16:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Amen.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2003-08-14 16:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
-1 for drinking beer
+2 for building a chair out of the beer cans