Capturing (502 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesLabels: Fiction
Rating: 1.17 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kaos-king (antius777) (View user info) at 2009-01-27 06:04:51 EST
"Stop it," she said.
"Why?"
"Because, I'm sick of all the pictures."
He brought the camera down and looked at her. He stared at her messy, short brown hair and her long, slender neck. He loved kissing her neck, he loved the sounds she made when he did, She was sitting on the tan couch, her feet curled up underneath her and flipping through a magazine. A forgotten cigarette burned out in the metal ashtray just inches from her elbow.
"I'm just... I'm just trying to get as many memories down as I can," he said.
"Why?" she asked. "Why do you need proof of your memories?"
He mumbled something and turned to go back into the bedroom.
"What?"
"Nothing," he replied.
He stood inside the room and placed the camera beside him on the queen-sized bed. Sitting down, he was once again taken surprise by the lack of creaking. His old bed creaked terribly, but she had finally had her old one hauled up. The room was now a shade of light blue, newly painted last week. He reached out and ran a finger down the wall and felt the years of layers beneath. Below it was an off-white, the color his bedroom had been for almost a decade. Now, the forest green curtains that would diffuse the morning light about the room had been changed to thick, light grey ones; thick enough to block out the light completely. Most of his posters and artwork had been removed from the walls, her things taking up the two new bookshelves in the room.
This was different enough, wasn't it? Real enough, wasn't it?
He got up from the bed and stepped over to the shelves that held a good portion of her books and other items that hadn't been sorted out yet. Fiction novels, much like the kind he read sat piled on top of sewing books and cookbooks. She still needed to get two small book shelves; one for the kitchen and one for... the other room. The room that they were going to use as a studio, a den, a workroom, a...
He had moved his computer. His computer had sat in the living room for a decade. Now it sat across from her sewing machine and garment rack. He had moved it himself.
She shifted on the couch in the living room and he thought more about the reality of the situation. It was reality, right? They had started talking again through e-mail at first, then moved on to discreet meetings. How long had that lasted? Months? Almost a year? She had finally left him, finally made the choice to start a new life. She was really here.
Wasn't she?
"What's wrong with you?" she asked from the doorway.
He looked up at her and sighed. Her aqua eyes glistened back at him and the evening sun glared in through the open door of the bathroom to illuminate her thin frame. A single loose curl played across her forehead and her nose had that crinkle she got when she was concerned. The PJ pants she had on were too big, the cartoon bunny printed bottoms barely holding over her boney hips. Same went for the faded yellow tee shirt she had stole from him which hung off her shoulders wide enough to conceal her small breasts.
"I'm... I'm terrified..." he whispered.
"Why?" she asked, her voice rising in worry. "Because... because I moved in?"
'No," he replied with a smile. "I'm... worried you're not real. That you're not really here."
"Honey, what..."
"After so long, after all that we've been through, it's just... if I have photographs..."
"... it's proof," she finished.
"Yes."
She blinked at him twice, then slowly walked into the bedroom. Gracefully, she climbed on top of him, straddling him with her thin legs. Holding his face in her delicate hands, she forced him to make eye contact, to stare into those aqua disks.
"I'm here. I'm here, I'm real and I love you..." she said.
"I know, I love you, too. I sorry that..."
"... but..."
"What? What's wrong?" he asked.
She pulled herself off him and went to her bookshelf. She fiddled with a few things there with her back turned to him. When she glanced back, he could see the tears welling up.
"Honey... what is..."
"I was just so lonely," she whispered.
"Are you having second thoughts?" he asked.
"No," she smiled as her sobbing began. "No, I love you completely."
"Then what? What's wrong? I mean, I'm completely in love with you, too!"
"I know," she wept. "That's the problem."
She cried for a few more minutes. She almost had control of herself, then thought about the pictures and began to sob harder. She would of liked to have seen those, to have seen how he had envisioned her. That would have been nice. But it had grown to too much... too much, too often.
Collecting herself, she wandered back out of her light blue bedroom, filled with her bookshelves and artwork, sewing materials and cookbooks. She flipped off the light, filling the room with evening's darkness, the last remnants of light unable to penetrate the thick, light grey curtains. She walked back to her couch, no camera on the queen-sized bed anywhere to be seen.
User Reviews
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2009-01-30 22:05:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't get it the first time through but I re-read it and had a sneaking suspicion.
Glad you explained, because I hate unsubstantiated sneaking suspicions.
IMO the last bit could use a little re-working to make the twisty shit a little more clear.
I'm probably overly critical because when you write like this it seems so forced, your fantasy worlds seem so effortless and saturated that this is really too.....ummm....flat for me to really love.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-28 04:10:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haikumikoo - - Actually, thank you very much for taking the time to type that all out. Both your objections to the piece weren't at all bizarre and are things that that I've either 1) heard from others, or 2) know is a problem of mine. I had a LOT of people on other sites, almost 50%, tell me this story made no sense. I really think I should have scrapped what I had written for the tale when I came up with the idea half way through and started over at the beginning. Also, I know I have a tendency to use WAY too many elipses, and I'm not really sure what to do about that...
See? Damn, I did it it right there!!!
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-01-27 23:16:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
For the record, I read it and wasn't confused. And enjoyed it. I much prefer this to the gratuitous gore.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-01-27 19:28:09 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-27 09:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmmm, well shit.
SHE is real and has been imagining him. She had completely created a fantasy life based around an imagined boyfriend. So much, in fact, she imagine HIM worrying about her not being real. Just... something to give her fantasy more depth, more flavor. She began crying because she realized that she had allowed the fantasy to completely overwhelm her, that she had started to actually believe in his existence and carry on conversations with this fictional boyfriend.
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I didn't even remotely come to that conclusion, when I'm reading a short story (especially on uber) I don't want to have to work to figure out what is going on. That, and what felt like the overuse of the ellipsis was too distracting for this to be enjoyable.
Also, I've seen you bitch about not getting explanations for negative ratings before. Here's my reason for it; you seem to take every negative rating as some kind of personal vendetta against you and if I actually were to explain what I hated about the post it seems like you would probably just try to find something wrong with me to explain why I didn't like your story. For example, right now you could say I was too stupid to follow what in my opinion is not a very good short story, at all. I don't like every story I read from my favorite authors, so for someone on ubersite to think I'm not advanced enough to enjoy their work, or all of their work, just comes off as really fucking arrogant and more often than not I don't feel like dealing with it.
Anyway, no desire to put you down or start an argument. Whether or not you feel it's accurate, that's how I honestly feel when reading your posts. Since you dedicate posts to the state or psyche of ubersite (or whatever they're supposed to be) I thought you might appreciate an honest answer from someone you probably think hates you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-27 12:14:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Just for the drama...
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-01-27 12:13:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno... reads very Stephanie Meyer to me...
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-27 10:09:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
well god damn it...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-01-27 10:04:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Read the post, was confused. Read the reviews, even more confused. Sorry.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-01-27 10:04:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
now that i know, it makes total sense.
but i was a little confused the first time i read it.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-27 09:56:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHA @ Fallen
Nah, I'll post mine later on in the week.
What did you think about the tale, though? Did you find it confusing???
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-01-27 09:54:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
To avoid confusion, if he is an imaginary boyfriend, she needs to wear a big afro wig like Jan Brady.
is anyone posting their round 2ADD?
I dont want to be first.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-27 09:49:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, I gotcha. I guess I was going for some twisty shit.
Like I said, half way through and I got the idea...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-27 09:47:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"So much, in fact, she imagine HIM worrying about her not being real."
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Bingo. I think that's what threw me a curveball. When you give imaginary characters of an imaginary character emotion and action, it's nigh-well impossible to determine who is real, and who is dreaming. Did that make any sense?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-27 09:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmmmm, well shit.
SHE is real and has been imagining him. She had completely created a fantasy life based around an imagined boyfriend. So much, in fact, she imagine HIM worrying about her not being real. Just... something to give her fantasy more depth, more flavor. She began crying because she realized that she had allowed the fantasy to completely overwhelm her, that she had started to actually believe in his existence and carry on conversations with this fictional boyfriend.
Um, I dunno. It hadn't originally started out going that direction, but the mood of the piece shifted on me mid-course. I tried to go back and work some of what I had previously written to match the later vibe. If there was any confusion, it was likely because of this.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-27 09:34:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
This was confusing. I'm not sure who is real and who isn't here, or if they're both real and I missed something. I read it twice, and still can't figure out what exactly is going on, or why she's crying.
In short, it's missing something that brings it all together.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-01-27 08:56:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-01-27 07:28:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
"story at a glance"
i find you every more tolerable in small bits.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-01-27 07:25:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-27 06:40:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Yep. antius777.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-27 06:36:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you still use your yahoo email acct? I have a non-Uber related question.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-27 06:33:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-27 11:22:10 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice imagery.
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agreed. i like this sorta stuff
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-01-27 06:29:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O Captain! My Captain!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-27 06:26:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks. Scourge has demanded I start writing different types of things.
Oh, I hope he approves and doesn't beat me with a sack of rocks like last time!!!
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-01-27 06:22:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice imagery.