ADD09-RD2: "Black Throated Wind" (491 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.37 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Offspring (View user info) at 2009-01-28 08:08:21 EST
She was starving for the words to release effortlessly from her mouth, but even in her head the words stammered into a heaping mess of crippled emotions. Absentmindedly she flicked the ash of her previously lit cigarette, the ashes soaring in the tight air of the dank room.
"You shouldn't smoke near my oxygen tank," her father wheezed out through a raspy throat.
"I think our chances are safe, Dad, and the nurse has left." The woman tried to contain herself the best she could.
Thoughts burrowed into her conscience effectively reminding her of how she sat in this same room some years earlier with her mom. The diagnosis was unclear for her mother and father. No two doctors gave the same explanation besides the fact that they were slowly dying. Obvious...
"Dad, do you remember what you told mom before she passed away?" The woman waited for a response to her question and almost 3 minutes passed.
"I told her God would forgive her." The man grasped vaguely at his throat as if a coil was haphazardly locked around the esophagus.
"Do you think He'll forgive you, Dad?" the lady asked, tears hugging the lines around her eyes until the puddle was enough to cascade down the crease around her nose and finally make camp on her chin. Somehow she never blamed her dad, nor did she forgive him.
"How long did you know, sweetheart?" Silence drowned everything in the room; not even the steady drum of the machinery keeping the dying man alive pierced the silence. Spittle of red saliva flung out of his mouth as he motored through another sentence, holding a flaccid grip to the remaining moments of his checkered life. "She deserved it, you know. It was God's request for me."
Misery was etched over the woman's face like the contours of a Papier-mâché volcano. How did he know that she knew?
She heard the same sounds and saw the same blood-laced spit when her mother died. The young woman had picked the right poison and so long as she lived, she would never have to hear the black throated wind again.
Word Count: 357
User Reviews
Submitted by hellish (user info) at 2009-02-01 08:27:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-01-29 10:48:13 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
If I had my way, this would be a -3.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-01-29 01:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Porcelain (user info) at 2009-01-28 22:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-01-28 17:20:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-01-28 17:10:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-28 13:22:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Had to reread after Banjo's post.
I still like it a lot. It was completely original, too, which makes it worth another +2 from me...because while Banjo's was excellent, yours was great AND based on something you came up with completely on your own.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-01-28 13:02:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What Stark and scourge said. You got a little lost.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-28 13:01:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
good enough for a 1 though.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-01-28 12:55:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
didn't like it.
lot of clumsy phrasing.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-01-28 12:38:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Not a bad story but some really clumsy turns of phrase and you get your tenses mixed up.
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2009-01-28 12:18:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good work with the title. Great song, by the way.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-01-28 10:48:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you fjs alter?
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-01-28 10:29:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-01-28 10:08:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't care for this. Not one bit.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-01-28 09:47:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice imagery, liked the twist at the end.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-01-28 09:32:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-01-28 08:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment