Be A Sport (522 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.1 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Flash Harry (View user info) at 2009-02-02 09:03:40 EST
"I'm sorry, but are you having a fucking laugh?"
Russ took his eyes briefly off the road and glared at the curious creature in his passenger seat. Nigel was staring straight ahead, with a thoughtful expression on his face. He was the most serious twelve year-old Russ had ever met.
"Apology accepted," said Nigel, finally, his eyes glazed.
"What?"
"I accept your apology."
"I didn't apologise! - what have I got to apologise for?"
"You said you were sorry."
He had a point. "I wasn't apologising for...well, what I was trying to say...I wasn't apologising for anything really, Nigel, except that I knew in advance that I was about to say a bad word. Sometimes adults say 'I'm sorry' before they something rather blunt and rude. So that you know not to copy it. That's why I said sorry, because I knew that I was then going to ask if you were having a fucking laugh. Okay?"
"But if you knew it was a bad word...and you clearly did, because you apologised for it before you'd even said it...then why did you still say it?"
"Because I'm a grown-up, Nigel. And I can say whatever the fuck I want. Shit. Sorry."
Nigel was silent for a moment, staring at the magazine in his lap. "I forgive you again," he said quietly. "And I'm not laughing, by the way."
"Good. I'm not laughing either." Russ crunched through the gears and accelerated away through a red light. Ten minutes til kick off. He hadn't missed a single minute of a home game this season, and he didn't want to start now. "I've forgotten the question now - better ask it again."
Nigel squinted at the open magazine, and ran his forefinger underneath the sentence as he read it aloud, taking care not to stutter or pause. "'You can not get pregnant the very first time you have sex so there is no need to worry about birth control when you lose your virginity' - True or False?"
Russ shook his head and very nearly had to apologize for swearing again. "Are you seriously telling me that you don't know the answer to that one, Nigel?" What were they teaching children these days, anyway? Didn't the school have some kind of moral, no, legal obligation to...
His train of thought stopped there, as he realized that the sex education programs in the school were probably excellent and thorough. Nigel was just weird.
"What do you think the answer is then?"
Nigel pursed his lips. "Well, if you're a virgin then you've never had sex before. And if you've never had sex before you won't know about birth control," he said carefully.
"That doesn't quite answer the question though, does it? It's asking for True or False?"
As Nigel's eyes dulled over and he retreated into his head to find the answer, Russ began to realize that this was not a normal twelve year-old that he'd stupidly agreed to take to the football. But he'd had very little choice in the matter, had he? He couldn't stand by while some poor little introverted boy complained that he'd never been to a live game before. What kind of a person could be so heartless? Besides, Nigel's mother smelled like a summer meadow, and by taking the boy to the game Russ had secured himself an invite to supper.
It had all happened so quickly. One minute he'd been in his element, with some expertly controlled flirting: careful rapport with the boy to show his sensitivity, easy innuendo with the mother to show his mischievousness. Then, before he knew it, Nigel had invited himself along to the game on Saturday and Russ had found himself £50 out of pocket, with the ticket, scarf, hot dog and juice all thrown in. And this bloody pre-teen magazine he'd bought in the hope that it would keep the kid quiet in the car.
By the look on Nigel's face, he clearly didn't know the answer to the latest question. Much like he hadn't known the answer to 'Pregnancy only happens if the guy ejaculates inside the girl, if he pulls out before ejaculation there is little or no risk of pregnancy - True or False?', or 'You can not get pregnant from heavy petting or oral sex - True or False?'. Trying to explain the terms 'heavy petting' and 'oral sex' to Nigel had proved to be thankfully futile. The boy kept on veering off into mad tangents involving fat rabbits and toothpaste.
"False," said Nigel hopefully, once it became clear that Russ wasn't for giving him any hints.
"Correct. Very good."
"Phew. Thanks."
"Was that a guess, Nigel?"
"Yeah, total fluke."
"Ah. What's the next question then?" They were circling the stadium now, trying to find the closest possible parking space. The hum of an expectant crowd filled the air like mist.
"'My partner says that she is a virgin and I am a virgin so we do not have to worry about STDs," said Nigel, frowning. "True or False?"
"Well, what do you think? What's wrong with your face?"
"I don't have a partner. How can my partner be a virgin when I don't even have one? I don't think this question applies to me."
"It's hypothetical, Nigel. You're supposed to put yourself in someone else's shoes."
Nigel lifted the magazine and peered at his shoes. He glanced at Russ, and then back at his shoes. Finally, he cast a sideways look at Russ's shoes, and shook his head sadly.
"They wouldn't fit. You're right. It's a pathetical question."
"Hypohetical."
"High pathetical." Russ could almost hear Nigel making a mental note to look it up in the dictionary when he got home.
The boy's head shot forward as Russ slammed on the brakes. "Okay kiddo, that's us." He switched the engine off, having squeezed the car into a gap between a hedge and a rubbish skip. "Scarf on, jacket zipped up. Just leave that magazine in the car." He wasn't taking it into the stadium. The last thing Russ needed was to be asked 'Condoms are 100% effective at warding off STDs - True or False?' in the middle of the game.
They ran from the car to the stadium, burst through the turnstiles and bombed up the stairs. Russ emerged from the stairwell holding his guts and panting, but he'd made it. The player were spread out on the green pitch in their formations, two players in the centre circle and the referee poised to blow the whistle for kick-off. He fought for breath and rejoiced. He still hadn't missed a minute of home action.
He straightened up and turned to point Nigel in the direction of their seats, but the boy wasn't there. A wave of nauseau hit Russ in the stomach - he'd thought Nigel was following him. He had been! He'd definitely come through the turnstile at the same time. Russ forgot all about the football and skipped down the stairs, his legs shaking beneath him.
"My feet got sore," explained Nigel, when Russ found him sitting on a bench just inside the stadium. "I think it's these shoes. They're not very comfortable. Perhaps you were right - I do need to put myself in someone else's shoes. These ones are useless."
Russ was torn between throttling Nigel and smothering him with a bearhug. Instead, he helped the lad to his feet and asked if he was okay to go up the stairs, a little slower this time.
"Yes," replied Nigel, seriously. Russ had never wanted children before, didn't have a single paternal bone in his body - but to have gone from sickening fear to explosive relief was rather a rollercoaster of emotion for him. Russ was usually quite mellow, laid-back. Never one to panic or get carried away. And here he'd only known Nigel for a short time, and found himself feeling all these strange responsibilities. Fuck. Perhaps he was growing up.
They finally got to their seats about five minutes into the first half. Russ's perfect attendance record had been destroyed, but there had been extenuating circumstances, so it didn't count. He'd still not missed a minute of football in home games this season, he told himself smugly.
Nigel seemed completely bewildered, and sat quietly, swinging his feet back and forward and leaning forward with his mouth open. Russ settled back, scanned the players to see who had made the starting line up, and exchanged a little banter with the bloke who sat next to him.
Nigel tried his best to watch the game. After all, he knew how expensive the ticket had been, and he knew that it would be bad manners to not pay attention. But he couldn't drag his focus away from the strange people in the crowd. About three rows in front of him, a man with a skin-head and a great wobbling belly stood up all of a sudden, with no prior warning, and turned his head to the heavens. Nigel thought he looked like a fat wrestler.
"AWEE-AWEE-AWEE-AWEE-AWAA!" roared the wrestler.
Nigel tugged at Russ's sleeve. "What's that man shouting about?" he asked, concerned.
"Oh, don't worry about him. Does it every week. Stands up and screams like a lunatic every fifteen minutes. You can set your watch by it."
Nigel shook his head in amazement. He looked at his watch and noted the time.
"For fuck's sake ref!" screamed another man all of a sudden, to Nigel's left. "That's a foul throw-in! HEY! THAT'S A FOUL FUCKING THROW!"
Nigel shifted away from the man instinctively, gripping onto Russ's arm. "Don't worry," he said reassuringly. "People always swear at football games."
"My mum hates swearing," said Nigel, firmly.
The mention of the mother made Russ come over all shivery again. It had been a long time since he'd liked a woman for more than her obvious sexual capacity. He'd pick up a bottle of wine on the way back, have some food, pack Nigel off to bed, and then...what? Russ found himself in the unfamiliar position of not only being interested in having sex with this woman. He did want to have sex with here, which was a good sign, but he also wanted to brush her hair and feed her chocolate and tickle her feet. These were worrying signs. And how much would depend on Nigel? He didn't suppose any woman would go with a bloke that their son disliked. Blood being thicker than water, and all that. Perhaps he should suck up to the boy a little more. Sow the seeds. Show that he would be a good match for his delicious mother...
"You want to watch your mouth, mate!" he shouted, in the direction of the man who had sworn, without really thinking it through. Nigel was uncomfortable with the swearing, so Russ thought he should see to it that it stopped. Simple.
"Who the fuck asked you?" came the aggressive reply from the foul-throw-in complainant, a few feet along.
Russ immediately regretted his bravado. "Alright, mate, no need to get all...I'm just saying. The children," he spluttered sadly, gesturing towards Nigel who was, he now realized, the only person who could be accurately described as a child within earshot.
"Fuck off," came the predictably dismissive response. Russ shrugged, grateful for an end to the argument. He felt mocking glares on his face from all around.
"The throw in was perfectly legal," announced Nigel, suddenly. Russ's eyes popped out of his head and he stared furiously at the boy.
"Shut up," he whispered. Luckily nobody else noticed.
The rest of the game passed without any further incident. Nigel developed an irritating habit for faking a gigantic sneeze whenever the goalkeepers took a goal kick, and then quietly celebrating if the team subsequently lost possession, as though he had directly affected the outcome. This might have been more commendable if he hadn't submitted both goalkeepers to his fearsome sneezing.
Russ was pleased to escape the stadium without having to confront anyone else on Nigel's behalf, and was quite giddily excited about supper. When they got back into the car, Russ could see Nigel flicking through his magazine once more, looking for the sex quiz they'd left uncompleted.
"How did you enjoy the game?" asked Russ, hoping to distract him.
"It was brilliant. Thanks."
"Sometimes grown-ups get a bit excitable at football games. That's why they swear so much."
"Okay."
"But hey, you must be our lucky mascot after today's result." Russ ruffled Nigel's hair awkwardly.
"Thanks. Who won?"
"Why, we won, Nigel. Our team won."
"Oh, brilliant. What colour were we wearing, then?"
Russ's mouth hung open in shock. "Navy blue, Nigel. Our team play in navy blue. The same as your scarf. That's why your scarf's the colour it is."
"Oh. Great."
They drove on in silence after that. Russ wondered how such a beautiful woman could have raised such a weird little fellow.
"Russ?"
"Yeah? What's up Nigel?"
"'You should wear contraception when having anal sex, even though you cannot get pregnant from it - True or False?'"
Russ closed his eyes and swore explicitly, under his breath.
User Reviews
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-02-05 14:22:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Made me smile (+1)
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-02-03 22:14:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-03 07:50:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-02 21:00:05 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm always making plans for Nigel.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-02-02 20:22:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh -- um. I didn't understand this very well.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-02 11:18:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I am not reading this yet and I dare not mail you BACK UNTIL i HAVE FINISHED MY HOMEWORK.
Oh hello caps.
Anyway, in all fairness I am finding it a bit tough :(
Be patient my lovely
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-02 10:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-02-02 10:20:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
a little plodding for my tastes, but worth a read.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-02-02 09:26:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-02 09:19:56 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't read this. I'm just going for a reaction here. So, will you please come up with a good insult for my unfair -2 here as I'm sure you thought this was a refined piece of exquisite literature?