Taking a cunt to the face isn't as fun as it sounds... (1080 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 0.87 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Dirk Diggler (View user info) at 2009-02-03 23:23:34 EST
I'm not sure if other people in the world are familiar with what Australia day is, or why we celebrate it. Kind of like how I'd say 99% of Australian's don't know what the fuck Columbus Day is and still think Independence Day is that crappy movie where Will Smith blows shit up. Apparently it's the day the British landed on Australian soil all those years ago and made the conscientious decision to start claiming everything in sight as their own and butcher any Aborigines that got in their way. Kind of like what happened to the Native Americans, only difference is that we had Kangaroos and drop bears.
Australia day is really nothing more than an excuse for people to get pissed to the point they can't walk and try to whack the nearest person in the head around the same point when they start losing basic motor skills and start to think that the pink elephant with the smart shoes is trying to pick a fight with them. So when Australia Day rolled around for the 23rd consecutive time in my life, I kind of knew what I was in for.
I doubt it's common knowledge, but in summer, Australia can get hotter than a footballers jock strap and the sun just seems to shit heat and UV rays down on us all day without giving a flying fuck about how WE feel about it. Fuck you, Sun. I've also got super sensitive skin so my involvement in sunlight either goes from "Hmm, milky fresh" to "HOLY FUCK I'M BURNING ALIVE!!". I was still content sitting in the shade in the backyard of a friends house, chatting to people about intelligent subjects like the price of protein powder and the creamy, tanned thighs of that blonde girl who rode her bike past the verandah only hours earlier.
As you would imagine, people started to drink and get a little rowdy. Someone decided it would be a good idea to wrestle in the pool. Not the cool type of wrestling that involves naked women, baby oil and a room of bearded men. More like, drunken, moronic, "lets do it until we throw up" wrestling.
Eventually some of the females starting getting into it. And the poolside was swamped with guys enjoying the site of submerged breasts being thrown around like a christmas ham. A friend of mine, Oscar, was going toe to toe with a particuarly well stacked girl named Shannon. I think my friend summed up Shannon quite well by saying "She could suck a melon through a garden hose". Shannon was, apparently, the type of girl who would just fuck your brains out. I'd heard stories like that she's sucked off 10 guys in a single night, taken two cocks up her ass and drank Mountain Dew. Really sick shit. It's strange that she had a reputation for being such a cock hungry cum dumpster, considering I'd never seen her have sex, nor even approach another male. Yet, the rumors ran strong, and it is safe to say she provided many romance explosions for me during lonely nights.
She studied Tae Kwon Do and won all these awards or something and I recall in high school she accidentally kicked a sparring partner in the nuts and he had to go to the hospital to have them put back into their appropriate place. It's very involved.
So Oscar and Shannon were wrestling and it became obvious that Oscar was fucking hopeless. He couldn't hold down a midget if his life depended on it. It got a little out of hand, and Shannon "accidentally" hit Oscar square in the eye with her elbow as she spun around. Her drunken horniness and enthusiasm didn't allow her to notice that young Oscar was stunned and oblivious to the fact that she was climbing up the edge of the pool preparing to deliver some sort of super charged WWE butt drop.
Oscar turned around as she leapt at him from the edge of the pool. She seemed to realize her error mid air and spread her legs, obviously trying to avoid knocking him the fuck out. Her efforts were in vain, and her groin hit him squarely in the face. He went under the water like a bag of sand and I immediately noticed a pool of blood rising from the water. It looked like it suddenly became that time of the month. Either that or the rumors were bullshit and Oscar has just broken her in with his face.
"SHIT!" was the sound that emanated from pretty much anyone who saw it. People rushed to Shannon, all too eager to inspect the supposedly injured area. She seemed to be fine, Oscar however, had blood streaming from his mouth. Shannon was such a tough girl that her cunt had knocked three of his FUCKING TEETH OUT. Yes, her vagina was capable of grievous bodily damage. If her cunt did that to a face, imagine what it would do to a penis. I pretty much insta-bonered at the thought. This was clearly some sort of evolved pussy. Something scientists have yet to discover. It could be the next evolution in vaginas. WHO KNOWS?! Her cunt could win some lucky fucker the Nobel Peace Prize someday.
Shannon had a massive bruise on her inner thigh from where Oscars pearly whites had collided with her cunt fence of doom. She couldn't stop laughing, despite the fact Oscar looked like he'd just gone 15 with Joe Frazier. I later found out that Shannon felt sorry for Oscar and decided to blow him later that weel, so Oscar says. I drove Oscar to the dentist the next day and apparently it's going to cost him upwards of $1000AUD to get his grill fixed. Too bad Shannon's junk doesn't have comprehensive insurance.
Funny thing is, people who weren't present at the time ask Oscar what happened and he always bullshits and says something like "Oh, I stacked on my motorbike and hit a tree". He says it's lame telling people he was wrestling with a girl and got KO'ed by her dirty bits. I think that's the dumbest shit I've ever heard, because to me, getting knocked the fuck out by a girls cunt is possibly the coolest thing to happen to you, aside from a threesome with a couple of cock hungry twins.
But that's another story entirely...
User Reviews
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-02-04 17:28:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the pic.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-02-04 15:33:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
'romance explosions'
heheh.
Waitangi Day tomorrow.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-02-04 13:45:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-02-04 13:00:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It might be because I'm on my fourth beer of the morning (my friend came over, which was planned, beer wasn't, he's gone but he left me a few, good guy), but I was highly entertained by this.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-04 10:23:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I quit reading from boredom.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-04 08:06:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
If it was her crotch that impacted his face, why did her thigh bruise?
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-02-04 06:20:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Dirk Diggler? - You fucking wish.
Pretty amusing story, i wanna "meat" that chick.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-02-04 05:46:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
heh
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-02-04 05:42:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shannon sounds ace.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-02-04 03:40:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
women on the left is very pretty, on the right looks like she's drunk or slightly touched
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-03 23:57:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Fed agent, below. Doesn't know shit, only eats it. stfu.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-02-03 23:50:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
gonna be looking into them there disability claims bubba.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-03 23:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
bob?
bob bob bob, bob on my knob.
Doodles, just shut up before you get whacked. hard.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-03 23:35:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
actually, i don't know who this is.
but this reminded me of the simpsons.
a funny show
you wouldn't happen to know anything about being funny there, would you bob?
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-03 23:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Little dog, below. Get a life, Doodie. Stop sucking up to the big dogs.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-03 23:27:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Whacking_Day