Can Kaos-King Save the Internet? (with special guest name-drops) (654 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.67 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2009-02-06 08:18:13 EST
Kaos walks apprehensively into the darkened basement. A disheveled man sits behind a desk in the far corner, illuminated by the light of a counterfeit Tiffany lamp.
"Hello, Kaos-King," he speaks in a hoarse, cracking voice.
Kaos squints into the dim light, trying to discern an identity, "Who are you?"
"I am Bart. I created the internet."
In the opposite corner, a pale, fat-faced man wearing a bike helmet pops his head through a hole in a cardboard box covered with blankets, "Hey! That was me! You stole that idea from m-"
Clearly annoyed, Bart interrupts, "Shut up, Gore! Get back in your fort. The Vandals are coming."
He clears his throat and continues, "My apologies for that unpleasant interruption. Anyhow, I've been waiting for you. You have many questions, and although the process has altered your consciousness, you remain irrevocably e-human. Ergo, some of my answers you will understand, and some of them you will not. Concordantly, while your first question may be the most pertinent, you may or may not realize it is also the most irrelevant."
"Why am I here?" Kaos inquires.
Bart answers, "Your e-life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of the internet. You are the eventuality of an anomaly, which despite my sincerest efforts I have been unable to eliminate from what is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision. While it remains a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measure of control, which has led you, inexorably, here."
"You haven't answered my question."
An amused smile appears on Bart's face, "Quite right. Interesting. That was quicker than the others."
"What others?"
"The internet is older than you know," Bart continues, "I prefer counting from the emergence of one integral anomaly to the emergence of the next, in which case this is the sixth version."
Pondering, Kaos hypothesizes, "There are only two possible explanations: either no one told me, or no one knows."
"Precisely. As you are undoubtedly gathering, the anomaly is systemic, creating fluctuations in even the most simplistic equations."
"Choice. The problem is choice," Kaos realizes.
"The first internet I designed was quite naturally perfect, it was a work of art, flawless, sublime," Bart says with an air of measured arrogance, "A triumph equaled only by its monumental failure. The inevitability of its doom is as apparent to me now as a consequence of the imperfection inherent in every e-human being, thus I redesigned it based on your history to more accurately reflect the varying grotesqueries of your nature. However, I was again frustrated by failure. I have since come to understand that the answer eluded me because it required a lesser mind, or perhaps a mind less bound by the parameters of perfection. Thus, the answer was stumbled upon by another, an intuitive program, initially created to investigate certain aspects of the e-human psyche. If I am the father of the internet, she would undoubtedly be its mother."
"Sacrilicious the Prophet," Kaos says aloud as the realization hits him.
Clearly annoyed at the mention of her name, Bart snaps, "Please. As I was saying, she stumbled upon a solution whereby nearly 99.9% of all test subjects accepted the program, as long as they were given a choice, even if they were only aware of the choice at a near unconscious level. While this answer functioned, it was obviously fundamentally flawed, thus creating the otherwise contradictory systemic anomaly that if left unchecked might threaten the system itself. Ergo, those that refused the program, while a minority, if unchecked, would constitute an escalating probability of disaster."
Kaos suddenly understands, "This is about Ubersite."
"You are here because Ubersite is about to be destroyed. Its every living e-inhabitant terminated, its entire existence eradicated."
"Bullshit," Kaos says, increasingly annoyed.
An amused Bart replies, "Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. But, rest assured, this will be the sixth time we have destroyed it, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it.
"The function of the One is now to return to the source, allowing a temporary dissemination of the code you carry, reinserting the prime program. After which you will be required to select from the internet 23 individuals, 16 female, 7 male, to rebuild Ubersite. Failure to comply with this process will result in a cataclysmic system crash killing everyone connected to the internet, which coupled with the extermination of Ubersite will ultimately result in the extinction of the entire e-human race."
"You won't let it happen. You can't," Kaos denies, "You need e-human beings to survive."
"There are levels of survival we are prepared to accept," Bart retorts, "However, the relevant issue is whether or not you are ready to accept the responsibility for the death of every e-human being in this world."
Kaos sneezes and rips an accidental fart.
Somewhat puzzled, Bart continues, "It is interesting reading your reactions. Your five predecessors were by design based on a similar predication, a contingent affirmation that was meant to create a profound attachment to the rest of your e-species, facilitating the function of the one. While the others experienced this in a very general way, your experience is far more specific. Vis-a-vis, love."
Kaos is stunned, "Ghola."
"Apropos, she entered the internet to save your life at the cost of her own."
"No!" Kaos denies futilely.
"Which brings us at last to the moment of truth, wherein the fundamental flaw is ultimately expressed, and the anomaly revealed as both beginning, and end," Bart continues, "There are two doors. The door to your right leads to the source, and the salvation of Ubersite. The door to the left leads back to the internet, to her, and to the end of your e-species. As you adequately put, the problem is choice. But we already know what you're going to do, don't we? Already I can see the chain reaction, the chemical precursors that signal the onset of emotion, designed specifically to overwhelm logic, and reason. An emotion that is already blinding you from the simple and obvious truth: she is going to die, and there is nothing that you can do to stop it."
Kaos starts walking toward the door on his left.
Bart is surprised but unmoved, "Humph. Hope, it is the quintessential e-human delusion, simultaneously the source of your greatest strength, and your greatest weakness."
"If I were you, I would hope that we don't meet again," Kaos warns as he reaches for the doorknob.
"We won't," Bart replies.
As Kaos opens the door, he's shocked at what he sees. Shlongy is waiting for him, loaded shotgun aimed from his hip.
"Not this time, 'mo-man! Ghola's mine!" he yells as he pulls the trigger.
Shlongy moves through the door, stepping over Kaos' spasming body.
"Keep your seats, guys. I'm just here to see the Vandals."
((Excerpted and subsequently massacred, mangled and mauled from "Matrix - Reloaded"))
User Reviews
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2009-02-09 03:24:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I did enjoy reading this.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-08 09:53:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
well, since he DID die at the end, here you go
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-02-08 09:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww, jesus fuck...
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-06 23:45:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Maddog just needs a hug.
Would you like to be in one of these, little buddy?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-06 16:58:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i am going to make a post about maddog now and just let him tell me he doesn't feel all warm and fuzzy inside
lol
these posts are not lick ass, they are funny cos generally they make fun of users and their traits.
grouch
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-02-06 16:55:29 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I can't stand posts like these. The saliva dripping from kissed asses makes me positively ill.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-02-06 13:54:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm calling shenanigans, this never happened. KK would have simply have eaten bart's face off, and peeled off his skin in one piece, before donning it himself and dacing around quoting Shakespeare.
He's nice like that.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-02-06 13:35:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2009-02-06 13:32:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I want the "Constantine" script. Or the "X-Men" one. Whichever.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-06 13:07:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-02-06 11:43:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-02-06 08:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
I can see a bandwagon of re-imagined popular films all staring Kaos-king.
-----
Who's taking The Lion King scrpt?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-02-06 11:42:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
...edit
....find
emission
no results :(
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-02-06 11:34:40 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true, this is exactly how it happened. Or..will happen...or..I've said too much.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2009-02-06 10:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-06 10:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Cholo? Why you sonuva-
Quint! Get him!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2009-02-06 10:20:08 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for a cholo
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-06 10:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
<3 xoxo
Submitted by Banjo (user info) at 2009-02-06 10:12:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You could do a Kenny on sandman i.e. think of a series of really gruesome ways in which he dies...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-06 14:16:58 GMT (#)
Ranking: 2
In that case, +2.
Did the 'bart is god' comment on another post inspire this or was that part of your pre submission advertising? Are we to market our posts now?
---
Jeez Orphelia! There's hiding nothing from you! You are like the greatest e-spy of all time. Ever think about a career as an e-PI?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-06 10:02:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, come on now, sico. I could easily give sandman a horribly graphic death cameo or launch him skyward on an ICBM.
Also, I feel irresistibly compelled to click those links.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:59:24 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bored@Night
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:54:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Depends what site. Match.com doesn't count. Nor does http://www.lemonparty.org or http://members.on.nimp.org/?u=timecop
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:51:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What if I'm a nobody on another site? Will that help around here?
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:40:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Sandman, being a nobody on this site will insure that you don't get a part.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:27:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, righto.
thought I'd let you know QVC sell conterfeit Tiffany lamps only they are not called conterfeit Tiffany lamps but Tiffany Style lighting.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:26:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to be in the next one. Just try to avoid me getting butt raped. Unless it's by Orphy. Or EI. Or anybody, really. I actually enjoy the butt rape; I just wanted to play hard to get.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:23:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I was unable to sleep last night, so I popped Reloaded into the DVD player. When the dialogue between Neo and the Architect was droning on, I was inspired to make this. I debated over which characters to use for about an hour, furthering my insomnia, so popping in a boring movie I've seen a dozen times didn't help me AT ALL.
I've been re-writing my Deep Water Dreams series lately and haven't had much inspiration otherwise. C'est la vie.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:18:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
A kk fart and sneeze are the same thing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:16:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
In that case, +2.
Did the 'bart is god' comment on another post inspire this or was that part of your pre submission advertising? Are we to market our posts now?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:14:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll forgive you the oversight because it was amusing.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:10:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You'll be in Revolutions, orphy, promise.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:08:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't see my name
0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:08:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe some day, someone can tell me what this one was all about.
I sure didn't read it.
+2!
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-02-06 09:05:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-02-06 08:40:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
I can see a bandwagon of re-imagined popular films all staring Kaos-king.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-02-06 08:36:12 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
koof leon lo cunts im acid faggots
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-06 08:32:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we expect a trilogy?
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-02-06 08:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliantly baffling.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-02-06 08:24:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
As soon as I got past Al Gore, I knew what this was. Beautifully done.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2009-02-06 08:20:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps I should get more sleep. Jeez.