Air Assault Prankster (Infantry Guys are Dumb) (586 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 1.44 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by S1L3N7 R3N3G@D3 (View user info) at 2009-02-10 20:53:57 EST
We had an air assault mission the other day here in Korea. We were carrying 11 passengers, all of which, we in the aviation world so lovingly call 11 bang bangs. There occupation code being of course 11 Bravo and them only being capable of "Derrrrr.... BANG! BANG!". I could tell during the passenger briefing that this crowd was especially special if you will. Most likely from the question of "what do we do if we're shot at by an RPG today?" on a training mission.
I mentioned to the pilot that we were going to play a little trick on these fellas, and the pilots as always were enthusiastic to help. Over the passenger area of the cargo hold on the blackhawk helicopter, there is a drip pan to protect the inside of the helicopter from leaking fluids and water that comes in from the main rotor head. There are two plugs in the drip pan that we can pull out to look up into the main rotor head area and inspect for cracks etc... If this plug is left loose a little bouncing in the air will make it fall out. We will get back to that later. Needless to say, something could easily be hidden in there when needed.
The 11 bang bangs climbed in and got themselves seated and started putting on their seat belts. Now I don't understand how someone can fuck up a seat belt so bad. You would think everyone is smart enough to figure out a four point seat belt with the buckle placed center of the belly for best safety. No, no these guys have them all twisted and such and one or two of them had the buckle on their sternum and one even had his on his throat. Mother Fucker! Are you trying to strangle yourself to death!? How the fuck do you think that that's right?! He seriously had this dopey smile on his face like he was proud that he got the damn thing on. I just sighed and shook my head and fixed it for him.
We took off, all passengers properly secured and about 10 minutes into the flight, is when the real fun begins. We leveled off at 5,000 feet and were cruising at about 100 nautical miles per hour. When you look to the rear at the 11 bang bangs in back, you can see that a lot of them are trying to keep from throwing up. They don't though, because they know when they are done with training that day they will have to come clean up my helicopter. Anyway, I started flailing my arms around and looking like im yelling and I throw my pencil into the cockpit. In turn, the pilots start yelling and throwing shit. I shake the co-pilots seat really hard and he turns around looks at me and mouths "oh yea? FUCK YOU" and gives me a huge overdrawn out middle finger. All the while the shoot-em up boys in back are looking up like "what the fuck is going on?". Pilot's action, grab keys from ignition, pull keys out (once started the blackhawk does not need the keys in to run), throw the keys into the lap of the first passenger row, drop collective (dive). Crewchief action, look back and laugh hysterically at the panicking soldiers.
I wish I could describe better the look on the faces of these G.I.'s when they realize that the keys just got thrown back to them and they are now "falling" out of the sky. They are scrambling and grabbing you trying to hand back the keys and you play along. You fumble with the keys and drop them and scream with them. It's just about now that the pilot jostles the controls and the giant bolt that you hid in the drip pan falls out into the lap of a different soldier in the second row of passengers. Now you have no keys, and the helicopter is falling apart. The pilot pushes even harder down. The screams get louder. You know, I don't know why but black people always scream by far the loudest. Ponder that one for a moment....... hmmmmmm........
I gave the keys back to the pilots and then stuck the bolt into some magical spot in the aircraft sound proofing and amazingly we leveled out and we're alright. We're alive. I'm getting berated with "thank you's" and "you are awesome's" and "Fuck that shit's". When we land the 11 bang bangs are supposed to run out and drop to the ground and wait for us to take off. It's all pretty simple really, but I know for a fact that during that whole screaming and scared ordeal that some shoot-em up idiot forgot that I briefed them that we were flying with external tanks right at body level when you get out of the door. BAM! happens every damn time, dude runs right into the tank and get flopped on his back, right into the mud....fucking retards...
User Reviews
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-02-16 17:43:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Color me entertained.
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-02-16 17:30:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Amazing...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-02-13 15:18:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-02-11 12:44:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2009-02-11 07:39:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
They have keys?
I have been in MH-60's, I wouldn't want to be a one of eleven passengers with a crew chief crammed in the back.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-02-11 06:36:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh, the fun that can be had with somebody else's really, really expensive equipment.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-02-11 01:41:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz<yawn>
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-10 21:10:14 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-10 21:05:42 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
fellow jackass +2