Senator Pube-Fro (562 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.56 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2009-02-19 17:21:03 EST
I have very long, black, shiny, pubic hair.
One thing I'm learning about women is that despite what I would have figured, they don't like long shiny pubes. They don't like to run their fingers through my snag infested scabies den, like I do. They don't like to go to "the bead shop" and buy gold and silver designer beads to accessorize what would otherwise be a vision of natural beauty.
No... they want you to trim them. They want me to step back in time to when I had but a sprouting new forest of pubic hair. A new forest that, despite its zits, had promise to grow into something much bigger, fuller, and more "afro-like". But alas... if that's what it's going to take, I would simply have to find some scissors.
The only scissors in the place were my roommate's new Cutco food scissors, covered in chicken fat and various other cooking refuse. They were sharp enough to mow down a beautifully crafted, perfectly symmetrical pube-fro, so they would have to do.
I quickly rinsed off the scissors and went to work. I found myself standing over the toilet, with a foot on either side watching the clumps of magnificent man-fur slowly float into the toilet. Each time I snipped, it felt like a piece of my manhood was being cut away. The entire process took about 10 minutes as I carefully navigated around all three testicles and worked my way as far back the taint as I could. When all was done, it looked like there was a dead skunk in my toilet.
The doorbell rang and I dropped the scissors into the toilet. They disappeared through the toilet skunk like a baby re-entering the womb. I froze... The doorbell rang again.
Despite my better thinking, I slowly reached into the water and pulled out the scissors. It looked like I was wearing a black mitten, and was wielding a Glock handgun.
I peeked my head out the bathroom door to see who was outside my house. It was two young guys with white shirts, ties, and a book.
"Fucking Jehovah fucks...." Suddenly an anger tore through my body. I just cut my God-damned pube-fro off and now these assholes want to preach to me??
I dropped the scissors on the floor as I walked to the door, flung the door open and quickly shook both of their hands. Neither of them had a chance to say a word, but they looked thrilled.
The thrill faded to horror as they looked at their hands.
"Are these fucking pubic hairs?" one of them asked.
That wasn't what I was expecting to hear...
I didn't respond. They looked at me for a response, glanced at eachother, and wiped their hands in the grass.
"Well anyway, I'm Senator Robert Gardner, and I'm running for re-election.... Actually, you know what," he looked at his side kick, "that was disgusting."
With that they both walked away, picking my glorious pube-fro from beneath their fingernails. I turned around to see my roommate picking up his scissors off the floor.
"More cat hair, huh?" as he examined the shiny strings.
"Yeah," I said.
"Who was at the door?"
"Robert Gardner. I wiped my pubes all over him, but I still think I'll vote for him."
My roommate put two and two together and moved out a week later. The only thing he left behind, were those Cutco scissors. I quit trimming the fro back, but every so often after eating homemade chicken, I have to pull a 3 inch black curly hair out from between my teeth.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-03-27 19:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bababahahahahahahahaahahahahauahauahuahaa whew
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 18:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Fucking Jehovah fucks...." Suddenly an anger tore through my body. I just cut my God-damned pube-fro off and now these assholes want to preach to me?
===
Ha, there were other great lines as well. Might have to skim this fellow's posts.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-03-27 18:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:46:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2009-03-25 14:55:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loren1!
I've been wondering where the hell you went... just leave us hangin like that. What were you thinking!?
Ok, now that I've got that out of my system. The only post I can think of that you might be referring to is this one:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/47001
If that isn't it, let me know and I'll look again. Hope you're doing well.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-03-02 18:17:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Loren: How come you never take my calls or answer my emails?
And I didn't really appreciate the "restraining order", babe.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2009-03-02 17:56:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Who is Doodles and why is it that he thinks his opinion matters?
Jon, it's been a long time, but once again and always still, your post made me laugh til it hurt. And apparently I have a lot of reading to do.
I was looking for a post you did a LONG time ago about some family chaos, specifically your father breaking his arm or something along those lines, if you remember which one it is, please post the title or link on this thread and I'll check back. I would be most appreciative.
Loren
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-20 22:37:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
You're one of those old relics who has posted a decent amount, but have made little to no splash in the uber community.
that is all
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-02-20 16:39:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-02-20 13:39:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
first line did it for me.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2009-02-20 12:20:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-02-20 11:20:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-02-19 22:26:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-02-19 22:00:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What a moron, those cutco things are fuckin expensive. And awesome.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-02-19 18:08:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-19 17:43:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-02-19 17:25:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Rating adjustment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-02-19 17:24:43 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Poorly done shennanigans.