Job trouble? (962 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: -0.24 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Phred Phelps (View user info) at 2009-02-22 17:57:25 EST
So one day I decided to see why people wore clothes and sat in cubicles all the time. It turns out that they're given money to do this! Yeah, I couldn't believe it, either! I put n some high heels, a pair of sweatpants with the pockets cut out, and a wifebeater and went looking for a job. I found one at the first place I applied at. One of their employees had his throat mysteriously slit a few minutes before the interview and a position opened up just in time for me! The fact that I brought a gun to the interview probably helped, too.
Anyway, a few months after I was hired I was pounding the fuck out of one of the mail bois in the ass and smoking meth in my 4x5 cubicle when the boss came around. "Hey, Thor, what's happening?" I ignored him and kept pounding away. "Ungh, you like that you stupid faggot bitch? Yeah!" My pleasure slave screamed in ecstasy/agony and I laughed. Then the boss tapped on my shoulder and I whipped around so fast there was literally a whip crack noise. "God damn it, I'm fucking busy here!" "I'm sorry, but it's time for your performance review." I screamed with rage and punched my sex victim in the back of the head so hard that everything from the neck up was vaporised.
Then we made our way to my boss' office where the boss had to sit on the floor because I was sitting in his seat and my cock rested on the other eight chairs in the room. I started drawing on his family photos while he was talking. "Thor, you've been a great asset to this company, but I have a few issues that we need to discuss. Firstly there is the issue of you defecating in people's lunches." "Listen Jim, I know what you're getting at, but those faggot assholes deserve it for being so fucking stupid!" He looked at a sheet. "Uh-huh. It sasy here that you haven't been asking for peoples' email addressses when you take down their information. You need to start doing that." "Okay, whatever." "Now, what about the shrine dedicated to Adolf Hitler on your desk?" I sighed. When will people learn? "Addie Hitler was my uncle and also my god." I could tell that the moron was shocked by this stunning revelation. He was also looking pretty sick. It was probably because of my powerful stench, which was like rotting fish mixed with a porta potty amplified by a thousand. He tried to run to the garbage can to puke, but my odor overwhelmed him and he collapsed on the floor. I turned him face up so he'd drown in his own puke and went back to my cubicle.
The phone rang, so I picked it the fuck up. Some old faggot started screaming at me about how whatever piece of shit he bought from us wasn't working. I asked him for his email address and he was all like "What do you need my address for, consarn it? It's 343 Mail Street!" I had a fucking meltdown at that point and I just started screaming into the phone. I guess the old guy was surprised because I could hear him having a fucking heart attack! After that this fat bitch named Tashaquanda walked over and started bitching at me about how I had drawn swastikas all over her family photos. Instead of behaving like a rational human being and apologising I grabbed my computer's keyboard and smashed her fucking face in with it! I ignored her apelike howls of pain and after the keyboard was destroyed I grabbed the monitor and slammed it in her face while it was still plugged in, electrocuting her. I pulled it off of her head and used a glass shard to cut off a chunk of flesh. Fried nigger is a great meal, and if you haven't already tried it you should go to your local Klan meeting and see when the next hunt is.
Anyway I decided that working just wasn't for me, so I took out my rifle and started blowing brains out. I'd welded the emergency doors shut weeks ago and a bomb took care of the elevators, so there was nowhere for the cattle to go while I slaughtered them. Some begged for mercy, and I granted it to them - by ending their worthless lives! Once the bloodbath was over I headed over to the break room to eat one of my shit sandwiches and watch Cheaper by the Dozen 2.
User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-05-10 05:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's the ill education that bars you from the arboreal paradise.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-10 04:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh oh, I sound American. I guess that means I can't hang out in your tree house anymore. :'(
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-05-10 04:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot faggot
It's a really gay word you know? It makes you sound terribly American and generally ill educated.
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-10 03:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sometimes when im high
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-10 02:55:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For real, man, do you really call a whip crack a sonic boom?
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-10 02:47:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Check you out, looking things up in the dictionary and shit. I know that a whip crack is the sound of the tip breaking the sound barrier, but what I meant to say is that nobody calls it a sonic boom except for you because it doesn't make a booming sound.
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-10 01:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Even Wikipedia agrees . . .
Bullwhip
The cracking sound a bullwhip makes when properly wielded is, in fact, a small sonic boom. The end of the whip, known as the "cracker", moves faster than the speed of sound, thus resulting in the sonic boom.[4] The whip is quite possibly the first human invention to break the sound barrier.[citation needed]
A bullwhip tapers down from the handle section to the cracker. The cracker has much less mass than the handle section. When the whip is sharply swung, the energy is transferred down the length of the tapering whip. In accordance with the formula for kinetic energy ), the velocity of the whip increases with the decrease in mass, which is how the whip reaches the speed of sound and causes a sonic boom.
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-10 01:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are an R-tard. A 'whip crack' or the sound a whip makes when the little tiny tip of the whip breaks the sound barrier. Wait a minute . . . that sounds familiar. Let me dictionary.com for a second . . . *music (to the tune of 'frere Jacques'* breathing reefer, breathing reefer, in my lungs, in my lungs, roll the marijuana, or we can stuff the ganja, in my bong *end music* . . . Hey I'm back. So dictionary.com agrees with me.
sonic boom 
-noun
a loud noise caused by the shock wave generated by an aircraft moving at supersonic speed.
Origin:
1950-55
noun
an explosive sound caused by the shock wave of an airplane traveling faster than the speed of sound; "a sonic boom follows an aircraft as a wake follows a ship"
sonic boom
shockshock wave that is produced by an aircraft or other object flying at a speed equal to or exceeding the speed of sound and that is heard on the ground as a sound like a clap of thunder.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:20:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Otherwise it sounds like a whip crack.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retard, only large objects can make an actual sonic boom.
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:14:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I stopped reading at . . . 'there was literally a whip-crack noise,' I believe the word you were looking for was sonic boom. Would have flowed much better that way.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-05-09 18:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
garbage
=============
Afuckingmen.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-05-09 18:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
garbage
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-02-27 23:48:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Genius prose. Truly a turdy force.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-02-27 08:04:24 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You are no Boshman. You're not even a poor man's Boshman.
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2009-02-26 02:52:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2009-02-25 23:32:37 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the laugh
+1 cause I'm getting laid off on friday..... sigh
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-24 00:23:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Pure dogshit.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-23 15:17:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
You may be retarded but that didn't stop me from laughing twice.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-02-23 14:56:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-02-23 12:45:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm Speechless...
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-23 11:17:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I think this was hilarious.
Submitted by spittle8 (user info) at 2009-02-23 10:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"I screamed with rage and punched my sex victim in the back of the head"
"I started drawing on his family photos while he was talking."
"Now, what about the shrine dedicated to Adolf Hitler on your desk?" I sighed. When will people learn? "Addie Hitler was my uncle and also my god."
"The phone rang, so I picked it the fuck up."
You are a fucking genius. I bow down before your immense glory, knowing that your taste is superior to mine. You are a wordcraftsman of the highest order. Future generations will venerate your significant and prodigious contributions to literature with their incessant praise. Few men will know such accomplishment in their life. Truly, I thank you Sir. I laughed heartily at your comedic turn.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-02-23 08:22:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I got to "So" and realized anyone who starts a sentence with that word isn't worthy of having me read their post.
Better luck next time. Or how about you eat your keyboard, Sherry?
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-02-23 07:10:25 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No comment!
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-02-23 06:51:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is Uber.
Thank you.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-02-23 04:08:41 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So bad as to be unreadable. It is like reading the word salad of an abused child.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2009-02-23 00:32:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Bitch, I want a chicken sandwich... and some waffle fries. For FREE.
Submitted by therealgeddylee (user info) at 2009-02-23 00:19:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"The phone rang, so I picked it the fuck up."
Holy shit, this entire thing had me in tears. Glorious!
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-02-22 23:01:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-02-22 18:26:41 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
"Then we made our way to my boss' office where the boss had to sit on the floor because I was sitting in his seat and my cock rested on the other eight chairs in the room."
This is amuzing but the rest sounds so....angry.
A person should write what they feel and if this is how you feel, write on.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-22 18:25:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mark Twain, never heard of him.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-02-22 18:15:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I like to use conversational English in my writing, just like Mark Twain. Don't hate on me just because your stuffy old conventions are being left in the dust.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-22 18:07:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You also begin sentences with 'anyway'
you may as well say 'I digress'
my pleasure you tragic wanker
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-02-22 18:05:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for the style lesson you cunt!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-02-22 18:00:04 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
So
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I stopped reading there. never start a sentence with 'so'.
I felt guilty, scanned down your post, assumed this was Jack, realised it isn't, whatever, my rating still stands.