This is Why We Wear Those Fruity Necklaces (1156 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.71 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spenny (View user info) at 2009-02-25 08:12:12 EST
Ask him if he's gay.
Ask him is he's gay. Just ask him.
Jake's face was fixed to the exact neutral expression of inoffensive interest in Allan's conversation. He felt a churning, miserable sensation inside him like the workings of the Chicago slaughterhouses of the 1910's, but everything visible seemed cool and calm. Below the table, his lanky leg shook violently, tapping out a frantic beat. He sat in his chair like a student in the principal's office.
He probably isn't gay. It'll be awkward. You just met him. Can't the man go one day at his new job without being accosted by a needy homo? Let him eat in peace.
But what if he is gay? He might be gay. He's probably gay, he's so nice afterall.
You think every nice guy is gay.
But he's too nice, he has to be gay. Straight guys aren't this nice to other men. People will think they're gay.
"Oh, of course," Allan sang, "I have no idea where any of the good lunch spots are around here."
"You need a tour guide," Jake suggested. "It doesn't take long to get to know the city. Pretty soon you'll be attending radical poetry readings at coffee shops you can only get to from alleys."
"Will I?" asked Allan with curious intent, placing a finger against his bald temple.
You've got good gaydar, right? You've been gay for how long? All your life? You should know this by now. Concentrate. Think. You can do this. Check the wrists. Limp?
You're being so homophobic right now, you should be ashamed. If anyone checked you for limp wrists you'd slap them. Not every gay guy projects his gayness. You don't. Probably.
Jake picked at his arugula, the leaves having wilted since being prepared that morning. When Jake couldn't bear to look at Allan's warm face he would direct his attention down to the reheated slice of pizza the man ignored. Lunch wouldn't last forever, he'd have to eat it sooner or later.
Maybe if you just wait long enough it will come out naturally. Maybe he'll mention his boyfriend.
Well that wouldn't help much, would it?"
"Where did you get that salad?"
"Made it myself," Jake replied as if defending himself. "I'm a great cook. Really. I love to cook."
"Do you mind if I try a bite?"
"Not at all, sure!"
Maybe he's in the closet. He probably wouldn't tell you he's gay either way. He'd say "Oh, no, um..." then he'd blush, and he'd tell you he gets mistaken for it all the time, then he'd tell you about his girlfriend, then he'd show you his wedding ring, then his children would run up to him, and all the while you wouldn't be convinced and still think he was gay, or just in denial, or something.
You're being pessimistic. Not every gay guy is in the closet. Not every gay guy has a wife and kids. A lot of gay guys are single and in their late twenties. You are. There must be others.
The clock hummed. The second hand glided along, didn't jerk, didn't stop for a moment at each second like so many clocks do with their ubiquitous tick-tick-tick. Time flowed smoothly, inexorably. The clock's face, a collection of The Birds of Colorado, was the only thing in the room worth looking at other than the two men. Not a splash of color outside of Allan's eyes, not a tone beyond his voice. Jake's stare would depart from Allan's for a moment, searching for something to fix on, inevitably to return.
When would even be a good time to say it. Now? Should I wait until lunch is over? It doesn't matter, he'll think it's strange regardless. There's nowhere in the conversation to put it. "Oh, you love the park? Are you gay?" "You've read Bukowski? Would you happen to be gay, too?" It will just sound like you're insulting him for whatever he said last.
"Did you see the game last night?" Jake asked.
"What game?" Allan asked, almost as if declaring he had better things to do that watch the Islanders triumph on a slap shot from the blue line with 1:34 left in overtime to take the points lead in the division. Jake had leaped from his chair and shouted, looking around the empty apartment for anyone, his dog maybe, to celebrate with. But, forgetting how late the game had gone, he got only an angry bang on the wall.
"Oh, nothing important," Jake sighed.
Just act like you think he's gay and see if he corrects you.
But then he'll wonder how you knew and you'll make him self-conscious. Don't make him self-conscious. What if he's in the closet and you make him paranoid that he's projecting? You'll ruin him for life. He'll never want to date you.
Allan looked at his watch and shuffled around in his pocket for some loose change. He wore an inquisitive look on his face, as if the contents of his pocket held an obscure truth about the universe. He surveyed the mess of coins in his hand.
"Do you have a quarter, Jake?"
"Oh, no," Jake admitted, patting his empty pockets. He checked the floor and found a dime. "Here's a dime."
"Can't do it, I need a quarter." Allan stirred some sugar into his tea. "You keep it." He flashed a debonair smile, as if bestowing all the treasures of the Mediterranean.
Say something mean about Hillary Clinton. Say something nice about Jesse Helms.
Well both of those are a little bit drastic, huh?
The hands on the wall clock whirred like a freight train onto 1:00, pulling up into its stations with a deafening hiss of steam that sounded much like a great horned owl. Right on time. 1:00 had a habit of always coming about thirty minutes after 12:30. You could set your watch by it. Allan stood up to leave, throwing his uneaten pizza in the garbage.
"I just can't bring myself to eat it. Had too much reheated pizza in college," he quipped and smiled at Jake. "Is the boss the type to get angry if I'm a little late back to my desk?"
You're being silly. Stop it. Alright? Just stop it. You're being paranoid, you're being ridiculous. You're blowing things out of proportion. He seems nice. He makes great conversation. He's cute, he's smart, and most of all, he's mature. He's not going to overreact just because you ask him if he's gay. Okay, so do it already. Just do it. Right now. Ask him.
"Hey Jake," Allan paused at the door, leaning against the frame. "I hope you don't mind a personal question, but, do you have a girlfriend?"
"I-" Jake stopped, twisting his fingers, making them pop. His eyes floated back down to his half-eaten salad. "It's complicated."
"I know how it is, man," Allan intoned with a peculiar voice, then turned to leave the break room.
User Reviews
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2009-07-26 06:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-03 20:45:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I almost typed, "Sounds like a pain in the ass.", without realizing it would come off as a horrible joke, as opposed to genuine commentary.
I'm really glad I caught myself...and mildly amused.
Submitted by malkavian (user info) at 2009-02-26 17:06:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Most of my friends are gays and lesbians. I really loved this post because I am sure this is exactly what happens in their heads all the time. Not every gay/lesbian is over-the-top about it. How can you tell? While heterosexuals have problems of their own, I think that simply recognizing a potential partner in a casual way is extra difficult for them. This is probably why most of my friends meet their other halves on the Internet.
Been a fan of the turkeys fir a very very long time, now. Here's a lurker telling you "thank you". ^^
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2009-02-25 20:21:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story.....but....I read the damn thing twice and I couldn't find a fruity necklace anywhere in that story....
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-02-25 19:14:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-02-25 17:16:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd let you be my bottom any day of the week.
after the sex change of course
yours, not mine
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-02-25 16:57:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-25 14:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2009-02-25 13:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
GAY
==========
What a homo.
--------------
Yeah, he rates like a fag.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-02-25 16:57:23 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
The true intent of this post could mean a million different things about you as a person.
On that basis, I'll +2, because I might like one of those million things.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-02-25 16:41:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Offspring (user info) at 2009-02-25 14:24:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I see.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-02-25 14:05:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2009-02-25 13:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
GAY
==========
What a homo.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-02-25 13:45:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice. Kudos on the publishing, buddy.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-02-25 13:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-02-25 13:15:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fagaymolicious.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2009-02-25 13:13:08 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
GAY
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-02-25 12:56:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hah.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-02-25 11:55:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-02-25 11:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This was gay.
Wait...that's not a good insult.
Let me think of another.....
I got nothing here, Chief.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2009-02-25 10:59:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Other Stuff
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2009-02-25 10:59:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a follower.
good writing....
though it was gay.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-02-25 10:31:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Not really, but I don't feel like breaking a streak just now.
I am unattractive to gay men (read: I am just plain unattractive). I'm OK with that, because I am not gay and being unattractive to gay men saves all that uneasy Q/A session you discribe herein. But of course, I look great on the internet. They say the computer takes off 50 pounds and 20 years, right?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-02-25 10:25:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
"Say something nice about Jesse Helms."
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2009-02-25 09:48:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
It came across a little fruity.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:44:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know why you guys feel the need to point out the obvious.
--------------------------------------------
Sometimes I even like to remind people that the sun is shining and the birds are chirping....in the middle of the day!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:32:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know why you guys feel the need to point out the obvious.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:31:19 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
gayer than a gay post about gay
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:31:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck yeah!
Bravo sir.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:30:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Totally gay.
Submitted by MudWhistle (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:15:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is really gay.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:15:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Your own reviews of your post made me snicker.
Points for that, weirdo.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:13:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
For anyone interested this story is going to be published in the same campus literary journal where Dean Koontz got started. I'm not sure if that's a good thing!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2009-02-25 08:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
faggot