New Lawn Mowers And Crazy Old People (1381 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.06 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Doozie McDooz <D_o_O_z_A.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-14 22:47:55 EDT
Ok, so we got a new lawnmower.. It took the store four weeks to try and import a part that had snapped off the mower while the shop attendant gave a demonstration.. We eventually gave up waiting, and just asked for a whole new lawn mower..
So when we got it home, I tested it.. Since we had never had a brand new lawnmower I had to give it a test run
I go outside in my mowing clothes, with my discman goin strong. I get to the bottom of the back stairs, and the weird old man who lives next door, is in my yard.. Picking up the leaves from my tree... And then putting them in my compost bin.. Ok thats a little bit of a weird start to the afternoon, but what the hell, whatever floats your boat old man.
I thought I might leave the eccentric old bastard to his leaf collection, so I went over to the mower, I bent down, for the ripcord pull start, bracing myself for another back wrenching non start.. And I pulled gently as I stood up so I had more slack to wrap around my hand and pull as hard as I could.. but as I stood up, this thing started up.. From that little effort!
Well as amazing as that is.. I took the thing up the back yard, rumbling away sounding smooth and clean. Hmm, its lighter than the old beast of a mower.. It sounds better.. It handles a little easier, lighter, faster wheels...
I had to put it through its paces now didnt I? What was this thing capable of?
Test 1 :- Sticks.
Well, this mower turned out to be the little engine that could, it roared through the sticks like nothing.. Woodchip-o-rama!
Test 2 :- Dog Poo
Ok, this is the worst test I could have possibly done. Ever.
The catcher for this mower is perforated, so all the dirt or whatever doesnt clump up in there.. I had just emptied the catcher, and when I hit the dog poo, it confettied all over me.. Nothing like having a fecal facial.. Priceless..
Test 3 :- Ant Nests
After I finished spitting the little crumbs of poo out of my mouth, I thought I'd run over some bull ant nests.
I thought the dog poo was a bad idea.
Remember the perforated catcher? .. Well, I put the mower into high gear and sat it ontop of the biggest ant nest I could find in the area.. Within about 2 seconds I was covered in a family of angry motherfuckin ants.. Not much of an experience..
The rest of the yard went pretty smoothly.. Well as smooth as you can get covered in ant bites and powdered dog poo..
User Reviews
Submitted by MadScientist (user info) at 2004-04-20 04:29:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ubernewbie (user info) at 2003-09-11 01:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
the story was amusing. you're still a cunt.
cunt.
Submitted by Illegal_Jose (user info) at 2003-08-19 22:41:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off Dooza
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-08-18 08:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are burned lad.
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2003-08-17 00:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good rhymes eh Hair?
mowin the yard/goin slow and then hard
testin the shit/just wreckin all kids
steppin in my direction/ Im the bomb you see
I constantly, habitually
smoke a bit a weed/ I choke a kid in need
with my double rhymes/got you in troubled times
with blackouts/ in the where abouts
of about five states/ I just get live mate
the australian alien/ on a boat Im sailin in
the only way to win is to play to win
yeah, I rip shit/ flip scripts when I spit this
hip hop I dont stop/ wont rock and drop
Unless the beats dope/ look at me cope
even though I got no money/ I flow so funny
the sad clown/ Ive been down
But this is the up commin/ see the sluts runnin
In my vicinity/ wanna win with me
...
Yeah you get the Jist of it
..
P.s
+2 for me yaaay!
Submitted by DooZa (user info) at 2003-08-16 23:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, the store got the replacement part, but a week and a half after the day they said... And when we got there at the time they said it would be ready, they said another four days or so.. So we said fuck it and asked for a brand new mower..
The store assistant, was named steve. Steve had a .. Uh how can I say, a Passion for gardening equipment.
Oh.. This is the part I forgot too
And the crazy old man.. actually when I started the mower, Hobbled his bow-legged ass up the end of my back yard, and around the gate, along the street, through his gate, and down his yard, into his garage.. and when he thought I wasnt looking, he reached over our fence with a broom, and started sweeping the gutter along our yard.. Um.. I think hes really, really senile.
Submitted by SimPle Plan <Adema614.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-08-15 11:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good writing
did it ever occur to you to take a shower after you got plastered with pig shit? maybe its just me..
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-08-15 10:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-08-15 10:53:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think we're all missing the point of this story... did the store ever get the replacement part in?
Also, I don't think that you developed the character of the store assistant very much. What were his root motivations? Employment? Financial gain? A love of motorized garden implements?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-08-15 07:11:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"fecal facial"
Fantastic comment.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-08-15 06:57:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if anybody is not too busy later, could somebody please mow my lawn?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-08-15 06:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
quality.
Submitted by PopNFresh (user info) at 2003-08-15 04:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Reading this has made me want to mow my lawn
And get that crazy old guy out of my garden
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2003-08-15 01:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it a riding lawnmower or a push?
We have a Sears push lawnmower. Stupid fucking Sears; we have to hit that primer thingy 12 goddamn times to get it to start.
A lawnmower is one of few things I would buy American rather than Canadian.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-15 00:16:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Test 2 :- Dog Poo
Ok, this is the worst test I could have possibly done. Ever.
The catcher for this mower is perforated, so all the dirt or whatever doesnt clump up in there.. I had just emptied the catcher, and when I hit the dog poo, it confettied all over me.. Nothing like having a fecal facial.. Priceless..
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nice.
Submitted by PuNKaSS4_20 (user info) at 2003-08-14 23:43:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like fun. At my old residence we got a new riding mower and it was a ton of fun flying around, doing wheelies (suprisingly the beast could pull this off), and drinking tons of beer. I ended up in jail later that night.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-08-14 23:11:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing like having a fecal facial.. Priceless..
Good rhymes.
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-08-14 23:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So why was the old man picking up leaves in your yard anyways?
Submitted by MOssiah (user info) at 2003-08-14 22:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good stuff.