A Eulogy for Joe Camel (741 hits)
Category: PoliticsRating: 1.5 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AJ <uberaj.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2009-03-05 13:10:10 EST
The lifeless mass on the hardwood floor is the wet dream of a forensic scientist, but without the semen. Never mind, I found some here.
Cigarette ash. Which brand? If I had to level a guess I'd say Camel Lights. All my friends smoke Camel Lights like they're going out of style. Which they did. Camels were cool. Joe Camel was a catchy meme, a great ad campaign. But Joe Camel got snuffed out by consumer advocacy groups and watchdog agencies- who monitor everything evil and terrible in this world but the activities of their own children. That's someone else's job.
Dried blood. Not sure how long it's been here or whose it is. Wiped on the arm with carelessness or disdain. Maybe both. "You made me bleed my own blood. No one makes me bleed my own blood." I watched the rerun of that old Simpsons episode right here with my old friend. I found it hilarious, but he didn't laugh. Early Simpsons episodes were more about the message than the humor anyway.
Dog hair. Poor son of a bitch is right over there in the next room, caged up. He's wagging his tail like nothing is wrong. I'd like to let him out, but he'd probably just run over here and cozy up. And I can't have that.
My partner's looking at me right now disgustedly. She wants to get this over with. I can't say as I blame her, but there are so many memories running through my head I just want to lay down with my friend and rehash them. But he won't be able to share them with me like he did when we experienced them.
No trips down Memory Ln. We just throw the cover over the top of him. I take care with my side and tuck it around each and every one of his curves. He's still soft. I take an extra moment to caress his skin one last time, before it's covered up and out of sight. My partner doesn't understand my sentiment. She doesn't know him like I did. Maybe that's a good thing.
The dog ekes out a whine. Perks his ears. Stops wagging his tail. I look at my partner and she shrugs her shoulders because she knows what I'm going to ask, and knows she can't really stop me anyway. I let the dog out and stroke his fur. Watch as the same tiny hairs drift into the air and float away amongst their dander. I make my way back into the room, where my partner has already sat down.
The dog approaches her and she reproaches him and he raises his paw onto her leg. He wants to curl up on the cover. But it's not going to happen. She won't let it get to that point. No goodbyes for the dog. She spent a hundred bucks on that goddamn slip cover. No dogs on the couch.
User Reviews
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-03-09 07:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-03-08 03:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Smoke smoke smoke that cigarette.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-03-05 22:26:15 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Atta boy.
Submitted by DonkeyOnTheEdge (user info) at 2009-03-05 21:08:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
What the fuck is a eugoogoly?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-03-05 20:47:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
O-I-C.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2009-03-05 19:22:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
A Eulogy?
Can of worms there.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2009-03-05 17:53:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-03-05 16:37:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
It's about a couch.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-03-05 16:37:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't quite understand what you were doing here, but it read easily and was well written.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-03-05 16:10:55 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Joe Camel eh?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-03-05 16:06:32 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Mature.
Submitted by rubbermaid (user info) at 2009-03-05 15:27:14 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Arbitrary.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-03-05 15:16:56 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-03-05 15:13:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-03-05 13:21:43 CST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE ARE THE FUCKING MONKEYS!
***
Monkeys below.
Submitted by AW4416 (user info) at 2009-03-05 14:24:58 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-03-05 14:21:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
WHERE ARE THE FUCKING MONKEYS!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-03-05 14:20:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-03-05 18:19:52 GMT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is going to get no hits compared to the monkeys post below it. Eulogy or monkeys? That's not much of a choice now, is it?
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Or you could look at it this way - dumpy blonde brit or dashing tall yank? that's not much of a choice now, is it?
This is terribly sad
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-05 14:14:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Munkeypants
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-03-05 14:02:47 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
duuuuuude that's deeeeeep
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-03-05 13:28:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2009-03-05 13:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dog raped a neighbours cat lastnight.
Obviously I laughed and encouraged him to continue.
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I think you're broken.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-03-05 13:21:53 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Something must be wrong with me psychologically, because I was just visualizing a person fucking said cat. I hope I'm not turning into one of those weirdos that views their pet as a person.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2009-03-05 13:20:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
My dog raped a neighbours cat lastnight.
Obviously I laughed and encouraged him to continue.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-03-05 13:19:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
This is going to get no hits compared to the monkeys post below it. Eulogy or monkeys? That's not much of a choice now, is it?