A Christmas Tale Sure to Become a Classic (450 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.71 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Majul Cartoons (View user info) at 2009-03-15 09:10:09 EDT
'Twas the night before Christmas when little Pebbles sat in snow,
he sat there alone, he sat near a stone, barely awake he stared at a lake.
There was something he wanted to know as he spoke rather low.
"Santa, why is it that on Christmas day all other kids get new toys and eat hot meals, while I eat spam and dig for lead?" Pebbles said as he bowed down his head.
He looked rather meek, but it wasn't all bleak, as what happened next was rather unique,
a tear ran down, ran down his left cheek
and landed right into the frozen creek.
Something truly magical was to happen that day,
when to his dismay he saw a red sleigh, as he begun walking away.
There's Dasher and Donner and Cupid and Dancer,
There's Vixen and Blitzen and Rudolph and Prancer.
He saw them all, he saw them all land, as a uniformed man raised his right hand.
He clicked his heels hard, he called out a command
and so the red sleigh came to a stand
"Wh- who are you?" Pebbles stuttered.
"Who am I? Why, little boy, I am the Ghost of Christmas past." He replied very fast.
"You're not the Ghost of Christmas past..." Pebbles uttered. "You're Adolf Hitler."
"Oww, dear boy, don't be frightened, the schoolz have taught you wrong. Little boy, I hear what you say and I agree. Is it really fair you dig for lead to keep your quadriplegic brain dead mother warm while your father's fletching men at gay saunas?"
"My father isn't gay!" Pebbles protested. "He's got flaky skin, it needs to be moisturized and Glory-Hole Bathhouse has the best masseurs. It's true!"
"Ohh please, little boy, your father swallowed more seamen then Conan O'Brien."
"He has vitamin "A" deficiency, it's hereditary and..." And so Little Pebbles argued even tho he knew his father had more cocks inside him then a public urinal...
"Hey, what did you just say about my dad!?"
"I said your dads ass is loose"
"No, not that, and I told you he suffers from disturbance of colon closure. I mean who just said, "I knew my father had more cocks inside him then a public urinal?" Pebbles asked impatiently.
"There! There it is again, who just said that!?"
The Ghost of Christmas past gave Little Pebbles a confused stare "Little boy, I'm probably just an imaginary voice resulting from your undiagnosed schizophrenia, but lets deal with one crazy at a time."
"Stop it! I'm not crazy! What do you want?!"
"Come closer, little Pebbles, I will whisper you the solution to your qwestion... tomorrow on Christmas day you'll have all the new toys you want!"
Pebbles listened carefully to what the ghost said,
The following morning he ate spam on bread.
"Sparkle, sparkle!" Said Pebbles's extremely gay father as he waltzed in the kitchen.
"He's not gay" Pebbles mumbled.
"What was that?" asked the anal astronaut.
"Nothing, I said I like Fey, Tina Fey"
"Ah, yes... me too. I say, Pebbles, come sit on my lap, let me give you a back rub"
"That's ok, I should go check mums colostomy bag and wipe her wheels"
"Oh, forget that cripple, your mother's in the tub, she's listening to the radio. Here, sit down..." he said and firmly placed Pebbles on his lap.
"Oooh, Pebbles, you've gotten big, your shoulders feel so broad and strong, I feel like I should be the one sitting on your lap"
"Well, I have been working overtime at the mine and..."
"Yeah, that sounds fabulous, anyway, Pebbles, remember on your birthday your friend Scott... you know, the one who asked for seconds of the penis cake, do you think he's double jointed?"
"I'm not really sure, dad"
"Yeah, about that... I'm not your real dad, Pebbles"
"What!?" Screamed Pebbles as he jumped off his not real dad's lap.
"It's not easy to say, Pebbles... your mother was a whore ...wait, that wasn't so bad, anyway, your mother got pregnant while in a gangbang... yadi, yadi, yada... nine months later I was training to become a catholic priest when I saw her throw you in a church dumpster. I convinced her lactating whores get paid more, ...they don't, but anyway, she kept you, I was disbarred from church after some... blah, blah, blah... your mum went brain dead after OD'ing on a subway platform and so I put you to work in a lead mine, oh, she also had AIDS so get yourself checked"
And so it was that everyone rejoiced and Little Pebbles finally found out his true origin was a dumpster baby.
THE END
"Wait, what!? What do you mean "The end"? What about the Ghost of Christmas Past? What about the tear? You said something truly magical would happen. This story makes no sense. It has no transition or cohesion... or resolution... This is just lazy writing."
And so it was that everyone rejoiced, except for Little Pebbles who died of pneumonia shortly after.
THE END
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User Reviews
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-03-22 03:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-16 12:09:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by MajulCartoons (user info) at 2009-03-16 01:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-15 15:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
------------------------
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121348
"Oh, we've had our fair share of miserable shitheads, fucktards and assorted losers populate this site, but at least most of them have contributed something. Most of them have tried. Each have added their own pathetic little flavor to the site and made it more grotesquely enjoyable.
Majul Cartoons, Dan Tangel, Maltese, Sicosemen, Fat Tony, Chris Evans, Oathmeal"
...so why even rate this? you ironic moron.
Submitted by MajulCartoons (user info) at 2009-03-15 19:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thank you, i'm sure you all enjoyed this sure to become a children's classic. For those of you with kids... go on, print it off and read it to them now.
It's important for children to read fantasy stories based on reality.
For those who didn't enjoy it, i hope your kids get cut in half by a train, in front of you, so you can watch them wriggle around like a worm on a hot pavement.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-03-15 17:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Timely.
Submitted by DTII (user info) at 2009-03-15 17:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The recipe for a Majul post:
2 teaspoons random celebrity names
1 tablespoon "quirkiness"
3 cups "gay" and "fraternal/maternal coitus"
100 tonnes of suckage
Stir to combine.
Bake at 350 degrees for -2 minutes.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2009-03-15 16:33:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Saw rhyming, Ran Crying.
Submitted by billrhine (user info) at 2009-03-15 16:07:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You have the writing ability of a retarded slug.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-15 15:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-03-15 15:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Adios dick-breath.
Submitted by 8bithero (user info) at 2009-03-15 13:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bye
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-03-15 13:14:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks for stopping by. Feel free to go fuck yourself.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2009-03-15 12:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed, but it is a very cruel and unsettling piece of work.
Art? Who the fuck knows.
Submitted by MajulCartoons (user info) at 2009-03-15 09:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
someone has sand up their vagina
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-03-15 09:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
go fuck yourself, fag.
Submitted by SilentRenegade (user info) at 2009-03-15 09:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
negative deuce perish
Submitted by MajulCartoons (user info) at 2009-03-15 09:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
75568 / 215 = 351
25698 / 36 = 714
You are a moron
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-03-15 09:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about MajulCartoons
User id: 34209
Registered on or around: 2008-08-31 12:25:01 EDT
# Messages posted: 36
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Average rating of all messages: -1.58
Everything you ever wanted to know about dantangel
User id: 34153
Registered on or around: 2008-08-20 20:29:09 EDT
# Messages posted: 215
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Average rating of all messages: -1.31
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Dan > you
really?
Submitted by MajulCartoons (user info) at 2009-03-15 09:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
moron
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-03-15 09:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
....again?