Shlongy's personal favorite posts part 1 (462 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -1.12 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by A nostalgic Shlongy (View user info) at 2009-03-25 10:28:47 EDT
"Here's a little something that will surprise you..." has to be one of the most suspensful stories I've ever read. The mystery, the climax and denoument are pretty much unparalleled in modern literature. I think a comparison to Shakespear's "As You Like It" is not unwarranted.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/120392
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So one day I was huffing jenkem at a kid's party at Chuckey Cheese. The only thing I was wearing was nail polish and nipple tassels and I think a few of the moms were noticing that I didn't belong there. Everything was cool until I heard a shrill voice call out "Thor Hitler Lawrence!" The ten year old boy I had been chatting up looked at me with wide eyes and said "Hitler?!" Instead of telling him that I got the name from my uncle I smashed him in the teeth with my gigantic dick and made it so that even if he had survived the brain damage he got from flying across the room and slamming head-first into the wall at 90mph he would be drinking out of a straw for the rest of his life.
Anyways I saw who had called out my name: my mom! "Aw, ma!" I groaned. She walked up to me and started crying because I had snuck out of the house while she was sleeping and I had left my diaper behind. She tracked my down by following the trail of wet sloppy diarrhea straight to my seat! Before she could cry even more she became distracted by the screams coming from the ball pit. "Someone" ( ;) ) has left a bunch of razor blades and dirty needles in there and now at least six kids had just been infected with AIDS.
Suddenly I remembered that I didn't have a mother because those guys from Weird Science created me from a mannequin back in the 80s. So who was this impostor? I tore off her skirt and showed everyone at the restaurant that "she" was actually a dude with his cock and balls chopped off! "You stupid eunuch asshole! I told you to stay at the mansion and to STOP pretending to be my mom!" After that I punched through his fucking chest. Pieces of his bones blew everywhere and embedded themselves in kids' eyes and shit. It was pretty crazy!
After that I set the corpse on fire while I fucked it and laughed as it spread to the whole store and people started burning to death. After I blew up the corpse by busting a nut in it I got out, but I had to keep running for a few minutes so that all of my cock could emerge from the blaze. When I was sure that I was safe I swore to myself that I would keep it real by murdering and raping people every single day. Then I walked off into the sunset.
Everything I wrote in this post REALLY HAPPENED.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-03-28 11:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
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Both morons.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-03-28 11:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-03-28 07:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-03-25 13:12:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FOAD
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-03-25 12:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is so awesome!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-25 11:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I went back to the doctor
To get another shrink.
I sit and tell him about my weekend,
But he never betrays what he thinks.
Can you see the real Shlongy, doctor?
I went back to my mother
I said, "I'm crazy ma, help me."
She said, "I know how it feels son,
'Cause it runs in the family."
Can you see the real Shlongy, mother?
The cracks between the paving stones
Look like rivers of flowing veins.
Strange people who know me
Peeping from behind every window pane.
The girl I used to love
Lives in this yellow house.
Yesterday she passed me by,
She doesn't want to know me now.
Can you see the real Shlongy, can you?
I ended up with the preacher,
Full of lies and hate,
I seemed to scare him a little
So he showed me to the golden gate.
Can you see the real Shlongy preacher?
Can you see the real Shlongy doctor?
Can you see the real Shlongy mother?
Can you see the real Shlongy?
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:54:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how you manage to see anything past your giant fucking nose, old man. Don't make me fly out there and ruin you.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should I read this or would I be happier if I didn't?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Racist, below.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PS: Color me darkness...I hate white people!! Fuck dem crackers, mahfucka.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:50:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dammit Blackberry!!
Sigh...YOU'RE RIGHT.
Its time I come clean and admit that I'm an undercover spy who buys all the fly ass bootleg rap music I can from skreet vendors, yo. If only I had a ghetto booty I'd be phat enough for ALL the black dudes with swagger to holler back at me so I can get my OWN game tight enough to rep with the homies and have O.G. like street cred up in da hood, young. CHUUCH!!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
what the fuck is this happy horseshit?
here i was, looking forward to a shlongy post, and i'm treated to this shlock?
fuck you, sir.
fuck you.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:46:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
They see me mowin'
My front lawn
I know they're all thinking
I'm so White N' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
I wanna roll with-
The gangsters
But so far they all think
I'm too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Really, really white n' nerdy
First in my class here at M.I.T.
Got skills, I'm a Champion of DND
MC Escher that's my favorite MC
Keep your 40
I'll just have an Earl Grey tea
My rims never spin to the contrary
You'll find they're quite stationary
All of my action figures are cherry
Steven Hawkings in my library
My MySpace page is all totally pimped out
I got people begging for my top 8 spaces
Yo I know Pi to a thousand places
Ain't got no grills but I still wear braces
I order all of my sandwiches with mayonnaise
I'm a whiz at minesweeper I can play for days
Once you see my sweet moves you're gonna stay amazed,
my fingers movin' so fast I'll set the place ablaze
There's no killer app I haven't run
At Pascal, well, I'm number 1
Do vector calculus just for fun
I ain't got a gat but I gotta soldering gun
Happy days is my favourite theme song
I can sure kick your butt in a game of ping pong
I'll ace any trivia quiz you bring on
I'm fluent in Java Script as well as Klingon
Here's the part I sing on
They see me roll on, my Segway!
I know in my heart they think I'm
white n' nerdy!
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Can't you see I'm white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy
I'd like to roll with-
The gangsters
Although it's apparent I'm too
White n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
How'd I get so white n' nerdy?
I've been browsing, inspectin'
X-men comics you know I collect 'em
The pens in my pocket
I must protect 'em
my ergonomic keyboard never leaves me bored
Shopping online for deals on some writable media
I edit Wikipedia
I memorized Holy Grail really well
I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL
I got a business doing websites
When my friends need some code who do they call?
I do HTML for them all
Even made a homepage for my dog!
Yo! Got myself a fanny pack
they were having a sale down at the GAP
Spend my nights with a roll of bubble wrap
POP POP! Hope no one sees me gettin' freaky!
I'm nerdy in the extreme and whiter than sour creme
I was in AV club and Glee club and even the chess team!
Only question I ever thought was hard
Was do I like Kirk or do I like Picard?
I spend every weekend
at the renaissance fair
I got my name on my under wear!
They see me strollin'
They laughin'
And rollin' their eyes 'cause
I'm so white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
Just because I'm white n' nerdy
All because I'm white n' nerdy
Holy cow I'm white n' nerdy
I wanna bowl with-
the gangsters
but oh well it's obvious I'm
white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
Think I'm just too white n' nerdy
I'm just too white n' nerdy
Look at me I'm white n' nerdy!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Allow me to help.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:41:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-25 14:34:51 GMT (#)
Ranking: -2
God dammit EI you're always in the fucking way.
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Thats my huge cock again!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:41:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Horseface Killa
===================
holy shit, sorry sage but I fucking laughed at this.
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why dont you get fucked, you undercover Aryan bitch. The only person racist around here is you. It's so painfully obvious, with your abnormal obsession with rap music and your affinity for "cocoa butter" and your persistent denial of your own race.
"I have plenty of black friends! I'm the cool white girl every black guy likes to fuck, only I won't actually fuck any of them because I harbor deep resentment towards anyone that's not the same skin color as me. I'll pretend to though, just because I can't bear the notion of ANYONE thinking ill of me. My entire perception of reality will crumble around me and I'll be forced to go back on my anti-depressants."
Stop embarassing yourself, Horseface Killa
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post, man.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
*YAWN*
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:34:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
God dammit EI you're always in the fucking way.
That was meant for Blackberry.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Racist, below.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nice try
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Personally, I think it's rather sad and telling that when the guy in my parking garage at work says "God Bless You" to me every day in the morning, I immediately think he's a Nigerian scammer. The thing is, he's Mexican and those are the only words he knows. Nevertheless, I don't trust him.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*soul
fuck
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-25 10:32:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
goddamn, I think my sould needs a shower after reading that.