The Bitch Went Nuts - UGR09 (737 hits)
Category: RomanceLabels: UGR09
Rating: 1.57 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2009-03-26 12:32:24 EDT
"I broke up with Mandy."
"What dude? What happened this time?"
"What do you mean "this time"?"
"Nothing, it's just that you go through women like an infant goes through diapers and really it seemed like things were going well."
"Well yeah, they were. In fact I thought she might be the one."
"What?! No way! so what happened?"
"The bitch went nuts yo."
"You always say that. Yeah, because it's true every time. The bitch went nuts."
"Ok, what happened?"
"Well it was a few days ago.... Beedleeebeedleebeedledbeelde..."
"What the fuck are you doing?"
"You wanted the story so I thought I'd give it to you in flashback."
"What? You're a dumbass."
"Come on man, do it with me. Beedleeebeedleebeedledbeelde......"
As Mandy and I walked through the mall hand in hand I thought about our time together. I'd had a lot of different girlfriends and was ready to settle down but every single time I thought a relationship was going well something would happen, something minor, and "POW!" there it was. The crazy that every woman I've ever dated has exhibited eventually.
I followed this tangent for a second considering the possibility that I might have something to do with it before dismissing the thought to return to thoughts of Mandy and me.
After nearly a year of dating things were going very well. I loved everything about the girl and so far she hadn't exhibited even the smallest bit of crazy and as we walked and talked and I considered it all I made the decision to take it to the next step.
I casually asked her if she'd ever thought about us marrying and she said she had and that that's where she hopes our relationship will eventually lead. I then asked her if she wanted to go look at rings, just so I could get some ideas so when the time came I'd know what she likes and be able to pick something out for her.
She got stupid excited and started shrieking and jumping up and down. That should have been the first sign but unfortunately I chalked it up to a happy girl about to begin the journey to marriage. You know, every little girls dream of the princess wedding right? So I smiled and hugged her and she kept jumping up and down shrieking over and over and pretty much everyone in the store stood and stared at us until finally she fell over passed out. She hyperventilated herself to pass out town!
People came from all over the store to "help" (more like gape at) the freak show that was Mandy. They came and stood around us as I gently tried to wake her up. Finally her eyes rolled down out of her skull and opened and she looked at me and immediately began shrieking again.
Even with a crowd around us I had to fight to stifle the urge to slap her and run but I managed to push it back. Finally, all of a sudden, her eyes kind of unglazed, she stopped the shrieking, and she relaxed.
It was over so quickly man, next thing I know she's getting to her feet and pulling me out of the mall, across the lot to the jewelry store. We're greeted as we walk in and a young, and very attractive woman comes to help us. Mandy took one look at her and said "we don't need YOUR help, can you get us a manager?"
I tried to apologize with my face but when she looked at me she might have misunderstood and thought that I had gas. She went and got her manager, this older woman, about 65, wearing gaudy jewelry anywhere there was room to hang something, with incredibly colorful makeup on what must have been her face.
"May I help you?" she rasped at us.
"I MUST FIND AN ENGAGEMENT RING!" Mandy shouted.
Oddly, leather face lit up, "of course dear!"
Confused I followed as she led Mandy and Me to a little booth in the corner of the store.
"I'll show you our best pieces today."
Mandy's face slowly pulled up into a grimacing smile until she looked pained by the extreme pressures she was exerting on her facial muscles.
"You ok Mandy?"
I was instantly smacked from both sides. Leather face and Mandy slapped me squarely on each cheek only to meet in the middle for a sort of celebratory high five. "Do not speak" leather face growled at me.
"But.."
Smack! Smack! Once again they both struck me squarely and high fived each other in the middle. I sat down then and shut my mouth. I wasn't sure how to handle the situation as I'd never been treated this way before and for all I knew I was breaking some etiquette since Mandy AND leather face both seemed to be on the same wave length.
Leather face went and got two trays full of rings. One look at them and I could tell I'd never be able to afford them. "Mandy, there's no way I could buy any of those."
Mandy looked at me with a smile on her face but the smile faded into a grimace. Her eyes, previously bright and happy, went hard and angry. Her skin turned from the vibrant healthy happy pink to an irate red purple. I found myself recalling that scene where some guy starts hasseling a girl who's PMSing and she turns around a hideous monster.
Mandy was shaking violently now. "YOU WILL BUY ME SOMETHING ACCEPTABLE!"
"I won't buy anything if you're going to act like this."
"FUCK YOU LITTLE MAN. YOU DON'T TELL ME, I TELL YOU."
"I'm leaving, call me when you chill."
I was ready to walk out and see how things went later but I didn't take more than a step before I was tackled by leather face. Mandy started kicking me in the ribs, taking big long drawn out pulls before swinging solidly through rocking my rib cage.
"YOU WILL BUY IT TODAY!"
"I'm not buying shit, I'm out."
I tried walking away again and Mandy was back at me. She knocked over two of the display cases breaking the glass and stooped down to pick up the larger shards which she then started throwing at me.
I ran then. I could feel glass hitting me, some of it cutting, and hear it flying past me. Nearing the door I saw leather face blocking my exit so I lowered my shoulder and ran through her. Her frail skeletal body slammed into the doors and I hear a little "pfft" as whatever air in her was apparently forced out her ass and I was free.
I looked over my shoulders and could see Mandy inside screaming and throwing things. I ran for the car and drove home. You know how close to the mall I am... it took me three minutes to get home. In that time Mandy left 20 voicemails. I was rattled as hell so I decided to relax by taking a shit and a shower. My phone was ringing constantly so I set it to silent. By the time I dropped my load and showered off I was starting to feel better. I walked out of the bathroom, on my way to my bedroom when I saw Mandy standing outside on my balcony.
My fourth story balcony! No idea how she got up there but there she was with a bunch of pictures of me and her and she was burning them one at a time. That's when I called you. I dressed and hurried here to meet you and I need you to help me lay low for a few days.
"Beedleeebeedleebeedledbeelde Beedleeebeedleebeedledbeelde"
"Don't start that shit again!"
"Dude, just bringing us out of the flashback."
"I'm already here, there's nowhere to bring me back from, your story ended at the present moment remember?"
"Oh yeah."
"Dumbass.
Surely You're exaggerating some of that. I can't picture Mandy like that at all."
"No, I swear. I'm done man. Fuck her."
"You're out cause she freaked once?
"Yeah man, fuck that. The bitch went nuts."
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-03-29 20:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-03-27 18:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LOL you fag, using alters to manipulate your own contest.
That's hilarious, dude.
what are you talking about?
Submitted by nanbeek (user info) at 2009-03-28 22:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-03-27 18:44:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LOL you fag, using alters to manipulate your own contest.
That's hilarious, dude.
Submitted by abdansner (user info) at 2009-03-27 08:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-03-26 22:04:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-03-26 12:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...On a real, the best looking girls are all crazy and am finding myself wondering if I'll find one that's hot AND mentally stable.
-----
They exist. I married one. She's smart, too. Trimuthafuckinfecta.
This was a fun read.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"As Mandy and I walked through the mall hand in hand I thought about our time together. I'd had a lot of different girlfriends and was ready to settle down but every single time I thought a relationship was going well something would happen, something minor, and "POW!" there it was. The crazy that every woman I've ever dated has exhibited eventually."
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:49:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: )
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was fucking hilarious.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is it bad that I laughed?
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Better than mine, I think.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:07:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have those moments sometimes.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
would've been a +2 but, this: I casually asked her if she'd ever thought about us marrying and she said she had and that that's where she hopes our relationship will eventually lead.- is quite possible one of the most fucked up sentences I've ever read.
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2009-03-26 13:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beedleeebeedleebeedledbeelde.... Awesome.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-03-26 12:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know my post is being desecrated by alters and ghosts of Uber past?
you wanted me to entertain you and I have.
AVENGE ME!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-03-26 12:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, cos once we get that ring. We change man..
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-26 12:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NAKED, fuckin bitch went nuts.
I saw a bitch go nuts one time and bite the face of another girl. Drew blood and left teeth marks...
HOT
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-03-26 12:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-03-26 12:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"The crazy that every woman I've ever dated has exhibited eventually." That was awkward but acceptable.
The beeedlelelleeeedeeee shit was just plain stupid. Don't do it again.
Otherwise this is a pretty good story. On a real, the best looking girls are all crazy and am finding myself wondering if I'll find one that's hot AND mentally stable.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-03-26 12:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this could totaly happen