UGR09 - Precious little beats the Cote d'Azur (772 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2009-03-26 14:27:07 EDT
"I changed my mind...I'm not going to Paris; I'm going to Nice. Precious little beats the Cote d'Azur in early August."
The phrase slipped into John's ear and slithered around his eardrum like a frantic leech looking for the fattest blood vessel, before slithering to the end of the canal and fastening to his throbbing brain.
He growled, stood up from his desk and then turned and leaned over the wall of his cubicle and glared down at the wide eyed accountant on the other side.
"What?" he croaked at her.
The big eyed blonde slowly removed the phone from her bony cheek and placed it back on the receiver.
"I was just talking to a friend." she squeaked.
John grabbed the top of the cubicle with both of his meaty Canadian hands and squeezed. In his minds eye he felt the pretentious bitch neck constricting under his fingers.
"Fuck your friend!" he said through clenched teeth.
The woman stood up and took a cautious step back "I don't fornicate." she replied.
"I wasn't being literal! You horse toothed accountant scientological bitch!" He yelled as his fingers crushed the top of the cubicle wall.
The woman screamed in fright and tried to dodge out of the way but John's Canadian Lazer Eyes cooked her to a crisp before she could take two steps.
Over his shoulder a standing ovation sounded out from his fellow coworkers.
"I changed my mind...I'm not going to Paris; I'm going to Nice. Precious little beats the Cote d'Azur in early August." one of them mimicked in a high pitched voice and then they all burst into laughter.
Two days later the president of the company presented John with a voucher for 3 free happy meals, the bronzed remains of the accountants carcass, and a small statue proclaiming him employee of the year.
John smiled and took it with great humility. He raised the trophy high in the air for all to see. He felt he had reached the pinnacle of his career, and was completely unaware that his penis would bring peace to the world two days later.
Four days after that he would use his Canadian Frost Breath to shatter a Ginger Balls in marketing for pronouncing "I have never tasted a Merlot I liked."
I miss John. We should never have sold him to the Taliban.
Fin.
User Reviews
Submitted by Bickerstaff (user info) at 2009-04-19 14:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA HA HA
Why not?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-03-30 18:01:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-27 14:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason (read: the mayo related dialogue below) I'm reminded of the spicy mayonnaise sauce used on some sushi I ate the other day...a volcano roll. I was too chicken to eat the sashimi on top of the roll but the roll itself was fucking amazing.
Also, has anyone ever heard of yum-yum sauce that they serve at hibachi-express restaurants? They don't HAVE any hibachi-express places here but they did in Lynchburg and those places were unbelievable. < $10 gets you get flied lice, zucchini and mushrooms, and filet. Oh, and yum yum sauce. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-27 14:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah, it's pretentious, Sgt! Have you BEEN there? The French Riviera is world renowned for being one of the best vacation spots in the world.
This isn't to say that I'm too good for any other beach or anything. For example, I love the Outer Banks and VA Beach and Ocean City, MD.
I've definitely got a lot of traveling to do, but I'm sure that anyone who has been there can vouch for how fucking gorgeous it is. :)
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It's alright there, but Normandy is fantastic. Loire Valley too.
*********************
I've never been to Normandy. We were going to go but there was hurricane-like weather so we just stayed in Paris for a couple more days before we drove down to Nice.
My grandmother is off the boat from Paris so she visits every year, contingent on her health. Last year she went to Provence; I was going to go with her but my uncle ended up going in my stead. I'd love to visit Provence someday, as well.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-27 11:08:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is it mayonnaise or is it a 'salad dressing' a'la Miracle Whip?
not that it really matters, as both are fucking disgusting, i just like clarity.
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Bro, you should know me well enough by now to understand that when I say mayonnaise, I really mean Rush Limbaugh's nutsack.
---
shit, i feel so stupid.
i was totally missing all the subtle nuances of things yesterday.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-03-27 01:43:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2009-03-26 20:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course I've never been there so you can trust the unbiased nature of my opinion of the place.
===
lol
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2009-03-26 20:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I get the feeling that the French Riviera is a lot like a Harley - more reputation than reality. Of course I've never been there so you can trust the unbiased nature of my opinion of the place.
Submitted by peckerhead (user info) at 2009-03-26 20:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but they [Canada, Canadians] also gave us Alex Trebek. And the filming of 21 Jump Street.
==================================
Don't forget the Red-Green show; the wife and I have been watching "Blue Murder" -- a crime drama that seems to be a cut above. Hang on, I'll prove it -- apparently the show originally came out in yr 2001 but didn't do all that well. <----- like all genius, personified or not... He/she/it was likely ahead of it's time.
Blue Murder also makes you think; the action and suspense are high and you actually have to pay attention. the general public generally does not want that sort of challenge; not from a TV show. I mean, it doesn't even have a laugh track! Anyway, gotta go. I'm off to watch the Toronto Leafs defeat Buffalo Sabres ;) I was going to end this with "Keep your stick on the ice" but that would be redundant now.
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2009-03-26 19:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 meaty Canadian hands
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:59:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is it mayonnaise or is it a 'salad dressing' a'la Miracle Whip?
not that it really matters, as both are fucking disgusting, i just like clarity.
--------------------
Bro, you should know me well enough by now to understand that when I say mayonnaise, I really mean Rush Limbaugh's nutsack.
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah, it's pretentious, Sgt! Have you BEEN there? The French Riviera is world renowned for being one of the best vacation spots in the world.
This isn't to say that I'm too good for any other beach or anything. For example, I love the Outer Banks and VA Beach and Ocean City, MD.
I've definitely got a lot of traveling to do, but I'm sure that anyone who has been there can vouch for how fucking gorgeous it is. :)
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It's alright there, but Normandy is fantastic. Loire Valley too.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:20:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Little known fact:
Rob Berg killed Lorne Greene with a frozen cod.
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THAT FUCKING BASTARD!!!! *weep*
===============
SHIT!!! So much for me ever liking Rob again! Robbie, you are fucking KILLER!! DIE, ASSHOLE!!
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:25:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Little known fact:
Rob Berg killed Lorne Greene with a frozen cod.
---------------------------
THAT FUCKING BASTARD!!!! *weep*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is it mayonnaise or is it a 'salad dressing' a'la Miracle Whip?
not that it really matters, as both are fucking disgusting, i just like clarity.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I take it you didn't actually READ the story, No1.
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lol, I read the first couple paragraphs, and then skipped to the end to see if it was worth reading. I got distracted by work, and when I came back I didn't even remember which post I was on and just saw the review.
I've been bustd for unfair rating! Oh noes! My reputation is ruined!
PS- <insert phoned in insult coupled with stfu and name of famous equine>
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You tell me man. I'm surrounded by them on a daily basis.
(they all smell like mayonnaise)
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-26 17:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
people who don't fornicate are losers.
and saltless pretzels?
pffffffffffft.
the only thing worth is saltless peanuts.
who wants this manner of product?
more importantly, why do we allow them to live?
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:48:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:33:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Little known fact:
Rob Berg killed Lorne Greene with a frozen cod.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:26:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I went to a nudist beach on the Cote d'azur. Accidentally, of course
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, but they also gave us Alex Trebek. And the filming of 21 Jump Street.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck Canadians.
Fuck them right in their parka wearing asses.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Canadians invented Herpes, Polka and Saltless Pretzels.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wouldn't leave my cat alone ten minutes with a Canadian.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sage is such an ignorant cunt, who likely has a shriveled up twat that rejects anything larger than a spaghetti noodle.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No1 = John
Sweet!! I love Canadians! Will you marry me? I'll even let you choke me until I almost pass out while we're having sex!
=-========================
Canadians are a blight upon the galaxy.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-03-26 16:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAAAAAAAAA
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I take it you didn't actually READ the story, No1.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who the fuck is John?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet!! I love Canadians! Will you marry me? I'll even let you choke me until I almost pass out while we're having sex!
===
Kill 'em with kindness.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmmm, lazer eyes and frost beams are cool and everything...but I think some awesome beams or something along those lines would have put this one over the top.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No1 = John
Sweet!! I love Canadians! Will you marry me? I'll even let you choke me until I almost pass out while we're having sex!
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:17:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.guideriviera.com/
Cunts.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:14:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sage, everytime you type anything I question the theory of natural selection, the merits of civilization and generally lose my faith in humanity itself.
Just STFU already.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Eh, yeah, you gotta not go to the pebble beaches...they're not as fun. Cannes is nice, different beaches in Nice are nice.
Then again, I was 11 when I went. EVERYTHING is awesome in a foreign country when you're 11.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+ fuckin tooooooo
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hell yeah, it's pretentious, Sgt! Have you BEEN there? The French Riviera is world renowned for being one of the best vacation spots in the world.
This isn't to say that I'm too good for any other beach or anything. For example, I love the Outer Banks and VA Beach and Ocean City, MD.
I've definitely got a lot of traveling to do, but I'm sure that anyone who has been there can vouch for how fucking gorgeous it is. :)
And as for YOU, Snark...I'll get you, my pretty.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-03-26 15:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have been to Nice. I traded a kid my Frisbee for a football. The beaches were pretty relaxed wrt the amount of clothes one wore. They were also very crappy beaches by normal beach standards. Narrow, rocky, and smelling of fish even at high tide. I have been to better beaches on the shore of Lake Michigan. Just about anyplace beats the Cote d'Azur from that perspective.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I have to admit, that is such a pretentious statement it makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
sorry Sage.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Marge: What if he's crazy?
Homer: And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.
Burns Baby Burns
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How "louis black" of you.
"if it weren't for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college"
You know whats sad, the only reason I know of the Cote d'Azur is from playing Gran Tourismo.
goddamn I gotta get out more.
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The only reason I know is because of:
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-26 10:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I changed my mind...I'm not going to Paris; I'm going to Nice. Precious little beats the Cote d'Azur in early August.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:32:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How "louis black" of you.
"if it weren't for my horse, I never would have spent that year in college"
You know whats sad, the only reason I know of the Cote d'Azur is from playing Gran Tourismo.
goddamn I gotta get out more.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-03-26 14:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment