The Day I Realized Santa Claus Was In-Cahoots With The Catholic Church (614 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.52 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2009-03-26 18:29:54 EDT
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned, um...sorry, what do I say at this part?"
I never could remember the little sayings, responses, and general nuances of attending mass in the Catholic Church. In fact, I spent most of my time during mass staring at stained glass windows and moving my lips soundlessly while the rest of the attendees filled the church with the expected responses in my stead. Ah, and how could I forget the seemingly endless commands to "Kneel! Sit! Stand! Sit! Stand! Kneel again!"
"Excuse me? This is when you tell me how long it has been since your last confession."
"Oh, uh, I guess I don't really remember. Do you know the last time the school made us come here?"
The priest sitting directly across from me rewarded that statement with a stern look and a few seconds of awkward silence. Unluckily for me, today was essentially a confession-fest for all the kids at school. As a result, the confessional booths were taken, and I had to stare this man straight in the face as I revealed to him my darkest secrets.
"Why don't you just tell me your sins, my child?"
I stared at him briefly while I pondered this one. I found it odd that I didn't recognize him. He was the first priest I had seen in this place who wore glasses, not to mention the first priest I had ever known to have one of those auras about him that stink of a general resentment for those around him. Now that I thought about it, I hadn't confessed to a priest that hadn't delivered a sermon to me before, it seemed odd for some reason. As though we hadn't established the proper rapport between confessor and confessee [sic].
"Oh, okay. Well, I guess I've probably used cuss words, God's name in vain; I know I've lied to my parents a lot. I got in another fight at school, oh, and my dad caught me looking at porn the other day."
I paused as he leaned forward in his chair; he didn't seem to take too kindly to that last bit.
"Son, do you even believe in God?"
------------------
It was this memory that haunted me as I lay in bed that night, wondering if Santa Claus would deem me worthy of another batch of fantastic presents in the morning. Sure, the wrath of God was frightening and all that, but I really wanted a basketball goal at my mother's house, and frankly that was taking extreme precedence over eternal damnation at the moment.
I woke up, like countless other children, at some ungodly hour of the morning ready to gorge myself on some good old fashioned American-bred materialism. Flinging my comforter off, I rolled off the edge of my bunk bed and made my way towards the only thing between me and my brand new basketball goal, the bedroom door.
I ran through the hall and into the living room, hoping to see the abnormally wrapped gift of my dreams, only to be greeted by the smell of stale cigarette smoke, and a rather lonely looking Christmas tree.
Where in the flying fuck were my goddamned presents? The generally disappointing gifts were still there, no doubt full of socks, underwear and clothing. Useless, all of them!
Still in a state of shock, I fled to the chimney. The stockings that dotted the opening of that chimney were my last hope. This would be the moment of truth; whatever I pulled out of my stocking would be the deciding factor as to whether or not I was a good or, greed forbid, a bad child.
Eureka! Praise the heavens! Whatever, I felt something! I hastily pulled my hand out of the stocking to see what wonderful trinket Santa had presented me with this time, only to find that I was actually holding a lump of coal.
My God man, what had I done? Was it the lying? The cursing? Could it have been the porn? Please Jesus, not the porn...for the love of God, please let me keep porn!
Feeling lost, battered and torn, I stumbled for the sliding glass door, a mere shadow of the boy I once was...before the coal.
And there it was, in all its heavenly glory, an unwrapped basketball goal. It is hard to express in words the elation I felt at the sight of that mountable backboard with rim. But why did Santa leave it outside leaning against the house? Unwrapped, no less! Basketball goals or not, my world had been turned upside down. I wanted answers.
I looked inside and saw movement and cigarette smoke, sure signs of an adult roaming the premises. I rushed in and was greeted by the sight of my Uncle Jim. A few nights before he had been bursting in and out of my room, bellowing scripture at the top of his lungs in the name of Lucifer. Ostensibly he was trying to convert the rest of the house to some form of Satanism, but in reality he simply happened to be a schizophrenic with a penchant for methamphetamine.
I wasn't exactly terrified of the man, unfortunately I had dealt with far worse things, but my outbursts had at least been curbed for the moment. I stood there just staring at him, and after a few moments Jim decided to break the awkward silence between us.
"So, when did you find out Santa Claus wasn't real?"
"When I was ten."
"Really, man? That's kind of late, how old are you now?"
"Ten."
12 It's Too Late To Cry.mp3 (8 MB) [audio/mpeg]
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-03-30 14:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Haikumikoo.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-03-27 19:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-03-27 14:13:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-27 13:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awww, thanks Haiku! FINALLY getting your e-validation has made my life, I think. ;)
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 13:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nah, sgt., I'd send music to anyone who requested it...I think.
Perhaps not sage, but judging from certain sociopaths I might as well play it safe.
You're a very charming young lady and I hear the camera adds at least half an inch to gaping maws, so don't let 'em get you down.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-03-27 13:23:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121576#2876340
I'm crazy, but not THAT brand of crazy. :)
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-27 13:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mail sent.
I'm waiting for a "double dumb ass on you THERE IS NO MUSIC BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 13:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's Lonnie Johnson, that's his most famous song. As far as being on a particular album, I'm not really sure. Maybe it's on an actual album, but it's probably just on collections and such.
He's one of the few legendary blues guitarists/singers to live past his 20s (boozers), and therefore, kind of got paid. That's always made me happy, as he's my favorite.
It's a wonderful song, if you'd like a short introduction to blues in the form of zip files, send me a request and I will oblige (eventually):
hiQmikoo.at.gmail.com
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-27 13:05:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haiku I'd love an album to go with that song, name??
feel free to e-mail roththesloth.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-27 13:04:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That song makes me wanna drink...
HARD.
Like "Guarantees" by atmosphere.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ha@sicosemen, and a serious question for scourge. What meds would these be? Because I always assumed those were just jokes (lots of people get meds jokes on here), but with all the social security cracks and mental breakdowns I'm assuming there's a specific diagnosis besides, "Huge, whining bitch."
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-03-27 12:06:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-03-27 11:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh, the ending brought it home.
well that and the attack vaginas and the bickering with Captain Not Enough Meds.
sort of a combo thing.
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2009-03-27 10:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was a little confused by this post, but im chalking that up to the drugs.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-03-27 10:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just kidding.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-03-27 09:34:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haiku
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-03-27 08:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you want to add chives to the next post that will be fine with me.
I'll wait.
******************************************************
"So, when did you find out Santa Claus wasn't real?"
"When I was ten."
"Really, man? That's kind of late, how old are you now?"
"Ten."
********************************************************
gold above
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-03-27 08:19:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WTFINRAT!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-27 01:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HA! Are YOU fucking serious???
Fuck you. You pretentious cocksucking shitstain, fuck you.
Don't fucking turn this around on me. Don't fucking make me out to be the bad guy, the one who started this shit.
FUCK!!!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 00:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-26 21:07:51 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously? After all your self-righteous grandstanding, you posted THIS???
===
Dude, my main criticism of you has been overreacting to negative ratings and expecting everyone to love your posts. So...wtf are you on about? Are you referring to my annoyance with you ripping off someone else's post (which was pretty fucking gay)? I'm genuinely not following your babbling. Why you think you're above criticism, from anyone, is beyond me.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 00:15:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ballare: ha, I'm pretty sure I know what comment invoked said vagina wrath
ex: yeah I wouldn't read it either
mwg: no, and fuck my uncle tom for putting it there
joedaddy: you were far more committed than I, sir, I've staked out on the couch before, but goodness that's dedication to disappointment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-03-27 00:07:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously? After all your self-righteous grandstanding, you posted THIS???
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-03-26 23:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Story and audio so fine.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-03-26 23:40:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 you
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-03-26 22:16:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
at least you were smart enough to go TO, the chimney...one year i went outside, armed with a flashlight and a fireplace poker, up to the roof and halfway down the fireplace to wait for that motherfucker
i figured i'd short-stop him and ask why he never left any presents for my one and only pull-down-pants-first-love who lived 2 houses down my street
turned out to be a real sooty x-mas
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-03-26 22:01:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So was the coal awesome or what?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-03-26 20:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-03-23 23:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SHUT UP HAIKU I WILL FUCK YOU UP WITH MY VAGINA OKAY?!
sorry just thought I would re-iterate
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-03-26 19:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FALLEN, if you remember, this is not the post I had in mind at all. Still writing it, it has cholos, knives, and scared white children. And it's all true as I'm not very creative.
=====================
I misread the above and thought you had typed chives instead of knives. Imagine my disappointment.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-26 18:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
FALLEN, if you remember, this is not the post I had in mind at all. Still writing it, it has cholos, knives, and scared white children. And it's all true as I'm not very creative.