The Poop Gun (768 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.79 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2009-03-27 15:30:21 EDT
Growing up, one of the most important things to me was the capture, transfer, and release of my own farts.
I was constantly conducting research experiments in this regard which were eventually published in a few academic journals (mostly in thermodynamics). I started out rather rather crudely, simply using my hand to throw my farts into my brother's face (the classic "cup o' soup"). Then, I got more clever at this, and would fart inside of a sealed Tupperware food container in the fridge (with leftovers inside). When someone opened it, looking for a tasty snack, they would usually take a big whiff to make sure the food was still good. I eventually created devices to capture the gas more efficiently and allow for an accurate release of the gas of up to 20 yards away.
Impressive... I know.
The device I had created was a modified air cannon (airzooka): http://www.vat19.co/dvds/airzooka.cfm
I created an apparatus that was best used with no clothing on. It would attach into the butt crack and grasp securely around the anus. Once you release the gas into the apparatus, you would turn a lever to capture this gas (creating a suction) into the airzooka chamber. Then, you had to quickly remove the gas retrieving apparatus and cover the hole with a fixture. There was an airtight fixture over the front of the airzooka which would hold the fart inside (farts would stay good for up to 48 hours, then lose their potency). When you were ready you would remove the cover and fire.
The invention worked very well. On a no-wind day I could blast my brother with farts while he laid by the pool from across the yard.
My brother, however, was conducting research of his own. Like me, he kept his research totally confidential. We were like the USSR and USA during the Cold War. Tensions were rising as he had eaten the last piece of pizza last week, and put his shaved pubes all over my bathroom faucet so when I got a drink of water at night I got a pube-stash.
We knew a conflict was on the horizon.
I decided to strike first... that week we had a family function. My brother was approaching a group of my relatives and I decided that I would shoot a fart into the group as soon as he walked up so that they thought he did it. I had a fart in the chamber ready to go... I had been saving it for a special occasion...
I hid around a corner, pulled back the plastic at the right time, and released.
Little pieces of shit and pubes flew into the room. The shit went the distance and pelted my extended family.
"What the FUCK?!" my grandpa said. I'll never forget that.
I stood there in horror of what had just happened, everyone was looking at me. Nobody said a word and Frank Sinatra played in the background. My brother had a big smile on his face, and had somehow managed to avoid every piece of poop.
"What the fuck, Jon..." my brother said in disappointment, "what are you now, like 24?"
"That was YOUR shit and pubes, Ben..." I said to him, "it HAD to be". I only afterwards realized how that sounded.
I knew at that moment that I had to leave this place. It was time to move away. My brother had won, and it was time to retreat.
When I had him one-on-one I asked him, "Was that it? All that research and that was the best you could come up with? What the hell were you doing in seclusion so much?"
"Masturbating, Jon.... masturbating."
User Reviews
Submitted by HeyJude (user info) at 2009-04-03 13:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS IS AWESOME JON!!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-04-02 05:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Inspirational.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-03-31 10:15:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2009-03-30 19:22:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-03-28 01:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-03-28 01:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 pubestash. There it is.
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-03-28 01:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
}{)(*&^%$#@!]=\=/lrcgfyp.p.,,''\=//lrr]}[098765)(*&^ZzvVWw
Fucking Dvorak keyboard. Where did that fucking plus sign go?
Plus 2 pubestash
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2009-03-27 23:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit
Submitted by BadSamaritan87 (user info) at 2009-03-27 22:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"What the FUCK?!" my grandpa said. I'll never forget that.
Nor will I.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-03-27 20:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so many disturbing visuals.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-03-27 19:50:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bringing uber back
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-03-27 19:13:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe that I like you...and not for nothing, I don't usually like anyone that isn't sporting a pussy.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-03-27 19:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-03-27 18:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-03-27 17:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good ending.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by j0andre1 (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/page/70
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That's hilarious
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://garfieldminusgarfield.net/page/70
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jon? Like, Garfield's Jon Jon?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoy a post with good opening and closing lines.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:07:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-03-27 16:06:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I once saw a person light a......oh well never mind
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by august_sobriquet (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He's taking funny talk.
-- Homer Simpson
Like Father, Like Clown
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that was fuckin' funny.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oddly I enjoyed this. the picture is also interesting in a wtf kinda way. she lokos so happy to be having a fart blasted right in her face, blowing her hair out behind her as the stench hits her full force head on. bizarre
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-03-27 15:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first bit of genuine LOL from this site in a while.
Kudos.