April fool's jokes go too far... (325 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.07 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by kosherkannibal (View user info) at 2009-04-01 10:43:38 EDT
WARNING FOR JESUS WORSHIPPERS AKA RETARDS, NIGNOGS, AND THOSE IDIOTS WHO FEEL EVEN A SCRAP OF PITY WHEN THEY SEE SOME SUBHUMAN PIECE OF TRASH FROM A THIRD WORLD COUNTRY SLOWLY STARVE TO DEATH: THIS STORY IS SO EXTREME THAT YOU SIMPLY WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT. IT WOULD RIP YOUR MIND APART INTO A ZILLION PIECES AND YOU WOULD INEVITABLY COMMIT SUICIDE. I SUGGEST YOU KILL YOURSELF *NOW* SO THAT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SUFFER ANY MORE THAN YOU ALREADY WILL WHEN YOU GO TO THE DACHAU OF THE UNDERWORLD!
So one day I was flooring it in a stolen cop car through a school zone when suddenly some dumb ass kid just walks out on a crosswalk while I had a red light. He totally deserved being smashed through my windshield and disemboweled by the broken shards of glass. He kept screaming for help while I was speeding down the road but I was too busy changing CDs while I was talking on my cell phone to pay attention. Anyway I saw a Toys R Us coming up so I swerved in the lot. Instead of parking like a neurotypical person I slammed the cruiser into a minivan packed with an entire family, including an infant and an 80 year old woman! I was launched out of my car too fast to see much, but I think most of the baby's skin had been flayed off by flying glass and the carburator had become lodged up the grannie's cunt.
I skidded face first over 100 feet into the store. I was totally unharmed and when I picked myself up I just started shopping. I got a few stares because all I was wearing was a cop's gun belt and a pair of lacy black panties with white stains, but I wanted to show off my titanic musckulature and eight foot fuck rod and it was obvious that most of the soccer moms and faggot dads there were having massive orgasms just from looking at me!
I walked over to the Lego isle where some slut had left her kid. I guess she thought the toys would baby sit him while she was smoking meth or something. Anyway, the little shit turned to me and said "Hewwo, mistoh!" What a fucking asshole! I backhanded him and grabbed a box of Legos and ripped it open with my bare teeth. Then I started forcing the legos down his throat piece by piece. I felt absolutely no emotions as he sobbed and begged for mercy, not even when he started coughing up blood! I punched him in the stomach so that the lumps of plastic would rip his insides apart, then slammed his face into my knee a few times for good measure. By the time I was done with him he was bleeding from every single orifice! "Let that teach you a lesson, young man!" I said before I strolled off.
Then I saw a crowd of people clustered around a Nintendo 350 or whatever the fuck it's called. Some people were playing it and having a great time, so I decided to step in and smash the game with my bare fists! "Hey, you can't do that!" said one male store employee with the most feminine hips I had ever seen. Instead of answering him I grabbed him and yanked his pants off. He screamed for only a moment until his prostate started being savaged. Then he started squealing with pleasure, even when my cock went even farther than that and was ripping all his vital organs apart. After I was done busting my nut (a five minute process) I thought he was dead, so I started to wipe myself off on his clothes. "W-wait," he said. "I just wanted to say... thank you." then he died like a bitch of massive ass trauma. After that I stuffed a bunch of blue ray DVDs into a Barbie backpack and and walked through the clamoring security pillars and into the sunset.
Everything in this post is 100% true and I have photographic evidence and sworn affidavits to prove it and if you doubt it I'll cut your brake lines!
User Reviews
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-01 13:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i miss captain foamy too.
Submitted by darthvaderswang (user info) at 2009-04-01 13:24:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I experienced multiple male orgasms reading this post!
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-04-01 12:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn, people are busting out some old ass alters here today.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-04-01 12:02:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this. It's very Captain Foamy-esque.
Submitted by Tony_the_Tiger_is_a_Pedophile (user info) at 2009-04-01 11:55:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're almost as funny as cancer.
which you should get. and the team up and tour the country. it could be the Blue Cancer Less-than-comedy Tour.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2009-04-01 11:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So you beat up a kid and are looking for laughs?
Bosh does it better. Poor attempt.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-01 11:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
not reading it
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-01 11:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bajiner face
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-01 11:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A little farther down the road to obscurity for you.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-01 11:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ridiculous.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-01 10:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dooo
+
sh
+
bag
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-04-01 10:49:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-04-01 10:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, are the babies upset because I gave their retarded posts a bad rating? Boo hoo!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-01 10:45:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Let's move this along shall we?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-04-01 10:45:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment