SPT - Battle Orangutan and Your Inability to Fuck With Him (808 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.7 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Haiku Mikoo (View user info) at 2009-04-02 15:52:01 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/121705
Pictured below, we see Battle Orangutan in his natural habitat, hanging from some hook in my apartment for little to no reason.
Armed to the teeth with leftover pieces from a Spirograph set, Battle Orangutan can put quite the damper on any man's day. His chest cannon, handgun, and superfluously applied duct tape strike fear into the hearts of his enemies (see stoned idiots afraid of the dark).
Not being one for heavy armor, Battle Orangutan opted instead to use a sand dollar he found roaming the vast, ominous beaches of Pismo. Aside from that, all Battle Orangutan dons for protection is the severed head of a polar bear Global Warming was too much of a raging pussy to finish off, and a stare that simply says, "Do you really want to fuck with Battle Orangutan?"
User Reviews
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-06-11 00:09:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Fuck that made my day. Only laugh i've had all day that wasn't a sarky type of laugh toward a customer's joke.
Thank YOU! That's just some creative and funny shit right there.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-04-26 05:09:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am not a goober.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For someone who makes assumptions....you're surprisingly accurate.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-04-03 12:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-04-03 09:51:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He is also armed with the strength of 6 fully grown male humans, don't forget. I have a nagging feeling I've told this story before, but here goes with my tale of an actual real life encounter with an orangutan;
My father, sister and I were playing at being intrepid explorers (well, our hotel room didn't actually have any glass in the windows, there was no shower in the bathroom - merely an urn and a cup - and we ate some native foods, such as durian, surely that makes us intrepid, even though we were driven most places and wore sunscreen and mosquito repellent?) in the tropical wilderness of Borneo a few years back.
We'd made the pilgrimage to an orangutan sanctuary, where we'd carefully placed all of our valuables in lockers (not because the natives were thieves, but because there was a young male orangutan who liked taking tourists' bags and ripping them to shreds looking for edible things), and then proceeded into the jungle (albeit on a civilised wooden boardwalk, but nevermind, still intrepid!) to fix our gaze on the high tops of the tallest trees (where there were orangutans hanging out).
We followed said orangutans through the jungle for about a half hour (the boardwalk turned out to lead back to the starting point), while they defecated happily from on high and mostly hung out just outside of photo-opportunity range. It was a wonderful and interesting experience, and we felt most enlightened as to the greatness of nature and its beasts as we picked up our belongings from the lockers and prepared to leave.
As we were walking to our (not air-conditioned = intrepid!) car, we heard excited shouts from behind the lodge which housed the reception and the lockers, regarding an orangutan mother and baby who'd come down low to look at us (much as we looked at them, I suppose). We hastened around the building and stood with a number of other gawking tourists while mother and baby hung out only a 5 or so meters up in the trees above us.
Baby got bored, turned around and started to head off, while mother made her way closer, swinging and jumping from tree to tree. Mother orangutan was suddenly in a tree very close by, and we gawking tourists instinctively moved closer together, herd-like.
Mother orangutan was suddenly on the ground, a few meters away, and we gawking tourists smiled and nodded and oooohed quietly over the intensity of the experience.
Mother orangutan was suddenly walking towards my sister and I, and my sisters shoves her backpack into my hands, so she can get her camera out.
Mother orangutan reaches out a lazy arm (about 6 meters long, or so) and hooks two fingers through the strap on the backpack I have in my hands and pulls, slightly. I let go immediately (I'm not fighting that, are you kidding me?) but my sister lunges for her backpack and suddenly I'm holding on to it too and we are playing tug of war with an orangutan (the other gawking tourists have turned their video cameras and assorted other sorts of cameras on us, now, and we are still waiting for the footage to turn up on AFHV or some similiar garbage).
Eventually, once our panicked faces and cramped grips on the backpack convince the slightly put-out but otherwise completely relaxed orangutan that we're not going to give it up, "she" lets go (with a very definite "fine then, be like that" expression on "her" extremely mobile face). He (because it was, apparently, the young male who stole backpacks to rip them to shreds) turns his back to us and comes face to face with a small child (approximately 4 years old) who has come up behind him while he was occupied by us. The small child, suddenly confronted with a large orangish face and animal breath, screams. The orangutan spooks and rushes up the nearest tree as quickly as it can.
I get a telling off from my sister because I let her back go. But what the fuck, I'm not fighting that.
+2 for you longest review ever from me.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-04-03 08:35:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is as stupid as ground horse.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-03 04:37:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh you know how to push my buttons
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-03 02:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
made me smile.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-04-02 21:41:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe, you still play with teddies.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-02 19:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 18:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob - Considering the fact that people's names have been used on here to fuck with them irl, I think that dropping full names in an obvious attempt to annoy is irresponsible and I resent it. I just don't see how it's *rationally* justified. This may sound ridiculous coming from me and the way I represent myself on ubersite, but I simply find it dishonorable. That being said, I'm aware my opinion means jack shit around here and people will do as they please. Also, I have zero desire to wage eWar with you (no, I don't think that's what you want), I just thought I'd respond since you asked.
---
I think that is fair enough.
Thank you for explaining it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-02 18:39:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm okay with that.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 18:32:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob - Considering the fact that people's names have been used on here to fuck with them irl, I think that dropping full names in an obvious attempt to annoy is irresponsible and I resent it. I just don't see how it's *rationally* justified. This may sound ridiculous coming from me and the way I represent myself on ubersite, but I simply find it dishonorable. That being said, I'm aware my opinion means jack shit around here and people will do as they please. Also, I have zero desire to wage eWar with you (no, I don't think that's what you want), I just thought I'd respond since you asked.
mwg - Nope, I'd like to share in your Sega Genesis love (still have one, not hooked up though), but sadly I cannot. It was just some dart gun I found. Also, your story reminds me of the time I told my father I used to hide weed in the muppet babies game in the closet. Why we still had that game when I was 16...I have no idea.
scourge - I hate you.
Off to Seattle with me as apparently Avista isn't going to be making my apartment energy efficient today, cunts, but at least we could all share in the joy that is Battle Orangutan.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-02 18:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-02 13:16:39 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i approve of the title.
the monkey, maybe not so much.
===
Then retract your half-assed +2 at once, it disgusts me.
--
my rating scale is very carefully thought out.
never question it.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-02 18:10:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
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Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 17:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I mean, berg may reveal way too much and namedrops like a hypocritical fuck quite often, but you really take the shithead cake sometimes, stranger.
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Care to explain that a little bit?
I don't understand the hypocritical part - I'm rather inclined to agree that I reveal too much, all things considered.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-02 18:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In Pismo Beach there is a house right on the ocean just south of the main entrance to the beach that cars use (or used to use when I was there in the mid 80's). It was dark red at the time, with a white shingle roof and decks on the front and back. It belonged to a friend's aunt. She failed to rent it out one July 4th weekend so my friend, I, and two fellow US Navy types and our girlfriends took over the place for a four-day sleaze/drunk/ATV-on-the-beach fest. We had to pay to have the place cleaned because the eight of us thouroughly debauched it. Good times, good times.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-02 17:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By any chance is that yellow pistol in Battle Orangatun's(TM) left hand from the Sega Genesis? I think I had one just like it but it was blue.
It was a gift one Christmas, I was 11 and hip to the game, and I woke up at 4:00 am, went under the tree, unwrapped all my gifts and wrapped them all back up, except this one which I played with until around 7am, shooting cowboys off of the train, and then carefully wrapped it back up.
Nobody knew anything about it until 2 years ago at a campfire when I started foolishly divulging all the little things I got away with as a child. I think I should have kept my mouth shut.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2009-04-02 17:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i remember battle orangutan
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-02 17:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-02 17:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Creepy.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-02 17:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kicker of all ass (+2)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-02 12:57:15 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
um......?
<backs away slowly>
===
Fuck you and your mosaics, this is high art, asshole.
haha
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:41:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Specialk just earned +2's for life.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-02 13:16:39 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i approve of the title.
the monkey, maybe not so much.
===
Then retract your half-assed +2 at once, it disgusts me.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:22:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You folks are odd.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha cool, him and darth coffee should hang out.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glorious
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha you fuckin retards.
Actually... if you take away all that hair, you've got Caulaincourt on any given Saturday night, Penis Tasting Tube and Prostate Exciters already in place.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:16:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i approve of the title.
the monkey, maybe not so much.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:04:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-02 13:01:58 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my gawwsh. This is jaw dropping art that deserves the accolades of Picasso, Dahmer, and Rembrandts alike.
This is true art at it's finest.
I laud the talent!
I peed my pants in excitement the first time I saw this and I'm sorry it took me so long to review but a masterpiece like this needs at least 5 minutes of proper viewing time.
===
Agreed, and what's more is if I have to do any kind of art project for the modern art course I'll be taking (reluctantly) next quarter, I'm covered.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my gawwsh. This is jaw dropping art that deserves the accolades of Picasso, Dahmer, and Rembrandts alike.
This is true art at it's finest.
I laud the talent!
I peed my pants in excitement the first time I saw this and I'm sorry it took me so long to review but a masterpiece like this needs at least 5 minutes of proper viewing time.
Submitted by captainrads (user info) at 2009-04-02 16:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You'd get a +2 if you actually had an orangutan...
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-02 12:57:15 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
um......?
<backs away slowly>
===
Fuck you and your mosaics, this is high art, asshole.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
um......?
<backs away slowly>
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:57:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This +2 is just for the title. I won't be reading the rest.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-02 15:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quinntheeskimo and I made this together, with love, and teh gay sex.