Late Afternoon Plans (691 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Fiction
Rating: 1.2 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kaos-King (antius777) (View user info) at 2009-04-06 14:22:21 EDT
The crash at the front of the store was explosive.
Broken glass and metal shards rained down on the already weeping customers huddled along the coffee display, their screams renewed. Covering their heads from the flying debris, one or two braved a glance up to see an enormous man with long, thick dreadlocks come storming into the doorframe. He looked around at the scene with a carved scowl. The young man wearing the leather pants who had taken them hostage sighed.
"Duncan, I thought you said we were out of phase from linear time?" asked the young man.
"We... we were, Shamus. I mean, we are!" replied a nervous looking thin man.
"Then Duncan, why are there a gang of Nephilim strolling in the front door?"
"I, eh..." gulped the Necromancer as a tall, older African man came to stand beside the man with dreadlocks.
"Shamus," greeted the leader of the Nephilim.
"Jamil" responded the leader of the Diablites.
"I see you're breaking the treaty again."
"Of course."
Glass and assorted snack cakes crunching underfoot, Jamil wandered into the convenient store and peer around. It was shortly into the late afternoon hours, right after people were getting off of work for the day. Besides the two clerks, there were two blue collar workers, a mom and son, a business man and two teenage girls. The Diablites had struck well.
"So..." began Jamil.
"Well, I had every intention of killing all of them," replied Shamus as he ran his fingers through his long brown hair.
"That really goes without saying, Shamus."
"How exactly did you find us?" asked the Diablite leader.
Jamil grimaced. "Trying to run perpendicular to the time stream sets off all sorts of alarms."
Shamus turned to Duncan. "I assume you weren't aware of that, hmmm?"
Duncan made little fish motions with his mouth.
Shamus sighed. "Cirroc picked up on in immediately, eh?"
"Relatively fast, yes."
"Well, damn it."
"You do realize that Khonshu has the overwhelming desire to rip out your spine and beat you with it, correct?" asked Jamil as he thumbed over his shoulder at the seething man with dreadlocks. "Natalia can only control his rage so much longer."
"Ah, the Iefaleum has been looking for a rematch," remarked Shamus as he gestured to the creature hulking in shadows of the storeroom.
"Well, my money is still on the Egyptian." replied Jamil.
"Stop it!" screeched a raven-haired Diablite named Victoria. "Why are you being so fucking polite to these bastards? Let's just kill them!"
Shamus frowned and nodded to another man, who backhanded Victoria into the bread aisle.
"There are certain rules that we follow. And there's no reason not to be civil."
"That was unnecessary," said Jamil.
"Perhaps, but it was fun," said Shamus.
Jamil sighed. "So no blood has been shed? We caught you first?"
Shamus laughed. "The only blood-letting was done by the flying glass when your maniac busted in the door."
Khonshu moved forward, but Jamil held out a hand. "Regardless..."
"Yeah, yeah... we'll vacate."
One of the Diablites picked up the woozy Victoria from among the bread and carried her to the back of the store along with the others. Shamus gestured harshly at Duncan to get a teleportation spell ready. The Iefaleum hulked his way out of the storeroom and eyed Khonshu.
"Shamus?" called out Jamil.
"Yeah?"
"It really would have been a good plan, but..."
"Yeah, yeah..." replied Shamus as the flames consumed them.
User Reviews
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:33:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
couldn't quite follow
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-08 05:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2009-04-07 23:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you could clean the muck out of your writing I would really enjoy the 'story.'
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-07 09:50:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-07 09:05:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not my favourite (fuck spellcheck for highlighting favourite btw), but still good - I can't write fiction to save my own ass.
I think I may just have a hate-on for the name Shamus.
Submitted by CarterPFly (user info) at 2009-04-07 08:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you wrote something similar ages back?...I like the ideas enough to want to read books with neph ehh nepy...Them angel dudes
Submitted by johnny.b.dumb (user info) at 2009-04-07 04:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
nephilim this, diablites that, Get off the nazi dope and burn down the nearest LDS instead of trying to remake shitty K.S. movies.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-04-07 03:33:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
as for the rest, well, its not bad, but its just a dialogue - theres not much really there to talk about, a lot of (what appear to me) made up words and a whole lot of stuff thats happened before.
the second line is pretty good though. one of the better things ive seen you write. though the 'their screms renewed' should be changed a little and moveed elsewhere in the line, probably at the front somewhere.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-04-07 03:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
first of all, lose the first line. the second lijne makes a MUCH better first line, especially as it ends in 'renewed'. 'renewed' is a good word for a first line, as it infers backstory and should cause readers to think 'what happened', and want to continue reading to find out.
the current first line is just clunky and too matter-of-fact.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-07 01:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kitchens_closed (user info) at 2009-04-07 00:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit topped with diarrhea
Submitted by MajulCartoons (user info) at 2009-04-07 00:34:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
seems like a lost chapter from the book of Scientology
starts nowhere, goes nowhere
"Duncan made little fish motions with his mouth."
was the only sentence i liked (hence -1 and not -2, i thought that was generous)
too many weird character names/descriptions (Nephilim...taken from the bible?)
could have chosen a few particular people to focus on, didn't... seems like the only person who really knows whats happening is you
doesn't flow well and has no clear conclusion
maybe next time you should try and spoof your serious overtone (seems like you write from a formula/template), which is way too dramatic for what you wrote
Submitted by CrapWeed (user info) at 2009-04-06 22:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2009-04-06 17:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-06 16:22:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-06 16:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Duncan, I thought you said we were out of phase from linear time?" asked the young man.
"We... we were, Shamus. I mean, we are!" replied a nervous looking thin man.
"Then Duncan, why are there a gang of Nephilim strolling in the front door?"
"I, eh..." gulped the Necromancer as a tall, older African man came to stand beside the man with dreadlocks."
~~~~~~~
Illustration rocks!
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-06 15:51:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""You do realize that Khonshu has the overwhelming desire to rip out your spine and beat you with it, correct?" asked Jamil as he thumbed over his shoulder at the seething man with dreadlocks. "Natalia can only control his rage so much longer." "
***********************************************
Natalia IS a chick, she is controling Konshu's rage.
crunchy snack cakes are the best
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-04-06 15:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You-have-got, to be fucking kidding me.
Submitted by Sidivan (user info) at 2009-04-06 15:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked idea here, I just found it really confusing. I read it twice, but the second time I specifically tried to figure out who was who. There are a couple instances where I can't figure it out.
""You do realize that Khonshu has the overwhelming desire to rip out your spine and beat you with it, correct?" asked Jamil as he thumbed over his shoulder at the seething man with dreadlocks. "Natalia can only control his rage so much longer." "
Khonshu is the enforcer for the guys that bust the door down (Nephilim). Who the hell is Natalia and why is that a dude's name? Why is he even mentioned here?
""Ah, the Iefaleum has been looking for a rematch," remarked Shamus as he gestured to the creature hulking in shadows of the storeroom.
"Well, my money is still on the Egyptian." replied Jamil."
So, the Diablites have an enforcer too. I'm assuming Iefaleum is his race. Is the egyptian Khonshu or the aforementioned Natalia?
I feel like I'm trying to sort the dead from the alive after a particularly gruesome train wreck.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-06 15:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
To be honest, I had a real hard time trying to figure out what's going on here.
Some things that bugged me:
"The crash at the front of the store was explosive."
Can you have an "explosive crash"? I'm not sure, maybe you can. Either way, sounds awkward.
"Broken glass and metal shards rained down on the already weeping customers huddled along the coffee display, their screams renewed."
Their screams were renewed? That means they were screaming and weeping before the explosive crash began raining broken glass and metal shards down onto them. This seems a little inconsistent with the hostage situation taking place before the explosion.
"one or two braved a glance up to see an enormous man with long, thick dreadlocks come storming into the doorframe."
I should think he'd come storming through the doorframe rather than into it. That gave me a funny enough mental picture though to warrant a +2.
"Glass and assorted snack cakes crunching underfoot"
I don't think cakes are supposed to crunch.
"You do realize that Khonshu has the overwhelming desire to rip out your spine and beat you with it, correct?"
"The overwhelming desire to rip out your spine and beat you with it" sounds like something a 12 year old would say. "overwhelming desire"? Serioulsy?
""Stop it!" screeched a raven-haired Diablite named Victoria. "Why are you being so fucking polite to these bastards? Let's just kill them!"
Shamus frowned and nodded to another man, who backhanded Victoria into the bread aisle. "
Ok, at this point, I had thought the only people in the shop were: Shamus, Duncun, Jamil, Khonshu, and hostages. Where the hell did Victoria and "another man" come from? Confusing.
My $0.02.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-06 14:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ZzzZzzz
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2009-04-06 14:51:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im hungover and this just confused me.
Submitted by secret_of_nimh (user info) at 2009-04-06 14:31:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-06 14:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-06 14:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-04-06 14:26:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This is somewhat weak. Still, it's alot better than the crap Jack "The Hack" McCallum smears all over the front page.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-06 14:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAHHHH BOYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE