So you want to know about Jack McCallum then??? (713 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.84 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Monkeyswithguns (View user info) at 2009-04-08 09:08:02 EDT
I first heard about McCallum while doing a delivery to Tijuana, a place known only as "Pepe's Penussy" located in the gay donkey-porn sector. No, I don't do gay donkey porn, but the more you know....the more reasons you have to fear the modern world.
Pepe Velasquez ran a man-whore hotel, and while delivering cases of amyl nitrate and meth, I decided to stop and take a break in Mexico; see some sights, like donkeys painted like zebras and trannies that had penis-vaginas.
That doesn't mean they had both organs, but that their penis had a slit in the base of it, to form a hybrid organ. Freaky. Now I'm not one to judge, and some of those she-males actually passed as women until the slit sausage popped out. Like I said though, I'm not one to judge, so I gave it a try. (Just kidding, but not really.)
After my romantic interlude, I paid my token fee of US $4.50, and received my complimentary shower/round of antibiotics. I decided to have a sit down with old Pepe, have a drink, and discuss how he had a very unique product, and how he came about acquiring it. I'm always looking for new business opportunities, and novelty sex is big-business. I made my first million off the "Plushie" trend, by offering custom, life-size plushie "love aides" with self-cleaning apparatus.
As I sat down, and ordered my green apple martini, (I requested a beer, but this IS a trannie brothel after all), Pepe began to tell me about a man named Jack McCallum.
Apparently Jack had been raised by a particularly skilled cock-sucking Guatemalan named Fernandina. Fernandina had immigrated to the U.S. in the late 60's, where she moved around the southwest sucking her way from place to place. At a restroom outside of Albequerque, she came across a wadded up bundle of dirty diapers that was making noise. Who could tie up a puppy in diapers and leave it to die?
Then she opened it and saw Jack for the first time. She originally named him "Paquito Caca," but around the age of 10 he picked up some Spanish skills and decided on his new moniker. Life was difficult for the young McCallum, as he was routinely awoken by the sounds of his pseudo-mother molesting some unfortunate 13 year old who'd gotten himself into more than he expected by offering her a piece of gum. Every time it happened he'd lose a friend.
He grew up resenting Fernandina, and how she drove away all his friends with lawsuits and death-threats from angered parents, along with the pimp named "Fresh" coming by every couple days and taking their cat-food money. They didn't actually have cats, but Fernandina was illiterate and only spoke a little English, so she thought tinned cat food was canned cat meat because of the picture of the cat. Unfortunately, they often were unable to find tortillas due to Fernandina's illiteracy, which meant they usually ate it off of stale white bread with mayo.
Pepe tells me at this point, that the desire for what Fresh kept calling "de book learnin" reached a peak in McCallum's mind, and he immediately went to the library. He may be living off cat food for now, but it wouldn't be long until he learned how to read, and his tastes took off in a better direction.
At the age of 16, McCallum left Fernandina without even saying goodbye to Fernandina, or Fresh, who had recently taught him how to keep a bitch in line. (At this point Pepe began to sob; this story obviously was affecting him personally, perhaps bringing back memories of some young protégé of his own.)
After this point, Pepe was unclear how the next two decades were spent, though he imagined it was full of grand adventures patrolling docks for sailors and studying literacy and international banking. Why banking? Because that's how Fresh had taught him to keep a bitch in line. "Control dey money and passports, anna bitch ain't got no choice!"
Pepe first met Jack in San Francisco on the docks, as he was celebrating his 20th anniversary of leaving Fernandina by becoming belligerently drunk and cursing every tan person in sight. He almost got arrested when he accused a beach-bum of being a "God-damned liberal hippie spic!" Luckily it actually turned out to be a hispanic male, so the cops kicked him back to Mexico and let McCallum go.
When McCallum was released and continued his anniversary celebration, he was offered a free drink at Pepe's expense, to which he replied "Certainly, it's the least you money-sucking Mexican whores can do for me."
After a few drinks, McCallum began to calm down, and related the story of his life to Pepe, who sympathized with his situation, but even more astonished that the two both had such grand plans for brothels, whores, and genetic engineering! Pepe had recently graduated from the University of Mexico (Mexico City), with a doctorate in Biology, or better known as its American equivalent of "person who grows organs on mouse's backs."
Soon the two went to Mexico, much to McCallum's displeasure, however it was the only place where they could acquire all the body parts, lab equipment, drugs, and various chemicals used to grow their new product. Not to mention they could buy young children to experiment on, because why spend so much money on full grown adults when they only needed to figure out how to transplant sex organs with a minimum 35% success and recovery rate?
It's been 8 years since the two went into business, and they haven't looked back. McCallum reportedly is even planning on taking a lover, just as soon as he can steal her passport and bank-book.
As for me, I'm never going to Mexico again, and after hearing the full story, I can see where Jack's love for cats, hate for "the coloreds," and love for reading and writing came from, and respect him all the more for it.
Jack, this one's for you, may you never find yourself poor and cared for by a Guatemalan again!
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-16 02:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-16 01:29:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
okay ,to get here you go up Avenida Revolution, and turn on 2nd, right?
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2009-04-13 16:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2009-04-10 02:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2009-04-09 00:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Pick a more interesting topic next time
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-04-08 21:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so so sorry.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-04-08 21:38:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-04-08 21:37:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Now that is an insult.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-04-08 16:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Passover!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjIFc6YjyE8
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2009-04-08 11:49:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NOW I understand.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-08 11:11:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-04-08 10:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny...
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-04-08 10:39:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Words escape me.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-04-08 10:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Somehow, I've always known that this would all come back to a fucking Guatemalan.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-08 10:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...patroling docks... Studying literacy and int'l banking...
hahahahaha!!!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-08 09:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A valiant effort.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-08 09:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy christ....
can I live in your head for one day?
I bet it would be something like inside Vincent D'Onofrio's in "the cell"
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-08 09:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Baaaaahaha
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-08 09:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh my god, this is brilliant!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-08 09:09:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well, at least I didn't mention cats or ginger hair.