What's with these homies dissin' my girl? (1144 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.77 on 55 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by St_Jimmy: Voice of the Almighty (View user info) at 2009-04-09 08:42:46 EDT
So last night, there I was plowing away at Denise Milani in all her breasty glory. It was marvelous.
"Ooooohhhh yeah. Give it to me."
"Yeah, you like that between your big ti..."
"OH LAWDY!"
"What the?"
"OH LAWDY! LAWD HELP ME!"
I'm no longer in dreamland. No longer plowing away. Turns out, what I thought were Denise's luscious melons was just one of my pillows folded in half. A pillow, by the way, that I was really giving the business to. I guess it's good that I was woken up before I made a big mess.
"OH LAWD! HE WAS A GOOD MAN! HE WIT YOU NOW! OH LAWDY!"
My alarm clock tells me it's now 2:50am. I'm hearing the woman in the apartment below me literally shouting to the "Lawd". It seems that someone she knows has recently died. Apparently he was good man. I, however, am alive, am not a good man, and I have to get up early.
"OH LAWD! HELP ME LAWD! HE'S A GOOD MAN!"
It just keeps going on like this. I can't sleep through this. This woman appears to believe in God and believes that he has a hearing problem. I swear it sounds like she's in the room with me.
I get up and start pacing around. What to do? She seems rather emotional so I'd really rather not go down there. I can't call anybody at 3am as it's not really an emergency. Shit!
Then it occurs to me. I have some kid's toys for when my 5 year old niece comes over. One of these toys is basically a microphone attached to a small speaker. The speaker has various settings on it to make your voice sound KRAZY! Trust me, it's hours of fun if you're five. My niece's favorite setting is the one that makes everyone sound kind of like James Earl Jones.
Fuck it, it's worth a shot. I set it to "James Earl Jones", crank the volume to 11 and lay the speaker down on my bedroom floor.
"OH LAWD! I NEED YOUR HELP!"
"Yes chil, I'm here fo' ya."
"..."
No way.
"LAWD?"
Seriously with the "Lawds"? Does she think she's a black character from a '30s movie? Who talks like that?
"Yes chil. He is a good man and he's here wit me now. He's in a far better place."
"OH I MISS HIM LAWD!"
"Hush chil. Don't be sad for yourself, rejoice for him, for he dwells within me now." Yes, I had some forced churching as a child. I can talk like God if I have to.
"PRAISE YOU LAWD AND PRAISE JESUS!"
"Rest now chil, you've been through a lot. Hush now."
"OH LAWD! DON'T LEAVE ME NOW LAWD! DON'T LEAVE ME!"
"Shhhh chil. You don't need to shout, I'm right next to you. I'm always right by your side." That might have been pushing it.
"..."
And that was it. I assume she started talking to God using her indoor voice. Either way, I couldn't hear her anymore. At any rate, I was able to get some sleep before my alarm went off.
After having slept on it though, I feel as if I might have done something truly awful. I mean, you can go to jail for impersonating a cop, and that's just a guy with a badge. I impersonated God.
Then again, I suppose if I had waited around for the real God to show up and talk to this lady, I'd have been up all night.
User Reviews
Submitted by Judgement (user info) at 2009-04-13 16:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-04-12 17:16:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-04-12 10:28:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-04-10 18:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-04-10 15:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I have your babies please?
I do like your writing ever so much.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-10 14:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He admitted he has some sort of hormonal imbalance that keeps him flaccid. He manually stimulates his wife. She says she's satisfied with this.
==========================
What? Link please.
==========================
Its in one of my posts. Go and read ALL OF THEM and find it. Plus 2 them all while you are there.
Thank you that is all.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-10 13:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2009-04-10 02:05:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lawl
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2009-04-10 01:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha oh LAWDY that was funny.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-04-09 19:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pic makes me smile. Cute girl on a sunny day--she reminds me of my friend Melissa, who has huge saline implants. I call her "Agent FF".
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-04-09 18:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-04-09 18:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dem boobs would be great if soft and pillowy like the real deal, but in their current basketball-stiff configuration, I don't expect a titwank would do you any good. Like rubbing it between two mechanically reclaimed chicken breasts, still wrapped in plastic from the deli.
Pretty face though.
You must occasionally have some fun with the Christ botherers, it keeps them grounded.
Submitted by johnny.b.dumb (user info) at 2009-04-09 17:15:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The local colour was overdone, but generally amusing
Submitted by Quint (user info) at 2009-04-09 16:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid Weezer reference.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-09 16:14:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He admitted he has some sort of hormonal imbalance that keeps him flaccid. He manually stimulates his wife. She says she's satisfied with this.
===
i don't believe that.
if it's true, i hope you don't turn out like the Butcher of Rustov.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-04-09 15:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her frame is WAY too tiny for those.
If she were a High B or a low C........ I think I probably would have started slapping my dick on my monitor.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2009-04-09 15:40:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone else think she'd be way hotter if she was, like, a b cup?
Massive USA tits are sort of lost on me.
PS: OOh Ooh, and you know I'm yours.
---
I agree with both the boobs and the Weezer.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-09 15:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
M-O-O-N, that spells 'Pillow Wank', lawds yes.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Then again, I suppose if I had waited around for the real God to show up and talk to this lady, I'd have been up all night."
Good point.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He admitted he has some sort of hormonal imbalance that keeps him flaccid. He manually stimulates his wife. She says she's satisfied with this.
==========================
What? Link please.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
impressive if real
Submitted by SkullBiter (user info) at 2009-04-09 14:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lol'd at chil.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:10:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That didn't happen but the chick is hot.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He admitted he has some sort of hormonal imbalance that keeps him flaccid. He manually stimulates his wife. She says she's satisfied with this.
================================
I have a tounge as wide as a cow and as long as an anteater. She is well satisfied Caul.
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't take HGH, that stuff just gets you bloated, not ripped
*flex*
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 12:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He admitted he has some sort of hormonal imbalance that keeps him flaccid. He manually stimulates his wife. She says she's satisfied with this.
Submitted by phuchuebuddy (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good story. Nicer pic.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't believe you still haven't had sex with your wife.
===
what?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the wife has VERY ample breasticles.
-----------------
Can we see them? I can't believe you still haven't had sex with your wife.
==================
She wont show them to ME, I doubt she will show them to you.
then again she has a soft spot for freckles, ginger hair and rippling HGH enhanced muscles.
I'll talk to her for ya.
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:34:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the wife has VERY ample breasticles.
-----------------
Can we see them? I can't believe you still haven't had sex with your wife.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:33:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hitler killed 8,000,000 jews and God didnt do anything.
__________________
Well, in fairness, Hitler did end up in a ditch, on fire, on his HONEYMOON!
That's a triple whammy!
--------
Eddie Izzard FTW!!!
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:23:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If god didn't want you impersonating him, he should've stepped in and stopped you. I hear those sorts of things are within his power. Good job.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im with you, those tits are fantastic, but a small C would look more normal.
Those are so big they're intimidating.
----------------
STFU you fat virgin, how dare you blaspheme against good old american titties?
========================
calm down Oath, I'm not hating on USA titties, the wife has VERY ample breasticles. Im just saying for her body I dont think those fit. A small C would look better.
just an opinion from a "fat virgin"
Submitted by Blackberry (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im with you, those tits are fantastic, but a small C would look more normal.
Those are so big they're intimidating.
----------------
STFU you fat virgin, how dare you blaspheme against good old american titties?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-04-09 11:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your going to he-eell.
The big boobs are fine, she looks like brown hair barbie.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ooh ooh and I know your mine.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:36:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone else think she'd be way hotter if she was, like, a b cup?
Massive USA tits are sort of lost on me.
PS: OOh Ooh, and you know I'm yours.
=====================
Im with you, those tits are fantastic, but a small C would look more normal.
Those are so big they're intimidating.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:34:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Anyone else think she'd be way hotter if she was, like, a b cup?
Massive USA tits are sort of lost on me.
PS: OOh Ooh, and you know I'm yours.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for title and file name.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If you really wanted to fuck with her you could have made god
chinese.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 10:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Nope. She's just an internet model. In fact, I don't believe she's even shown any nip yet.
Having said that, if you can find any (non-photoshopped) naked pictures of her, I'll +2 you for all time.
If you can find any genuine porn that she's in, I will mail you a HAM. That's right, HAM.
=============
speaking of large chunnks of mean, I'm checking out at Shop Rite the other day with the wife and we won a fucking TURKEY!!! 15 lbs
FREE TURKEY FTW
++++++++++++++++++++++++
Im an idiot, replace with these words "chunks" "meat"
Chunks of Mean, good name for HBTS
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:58:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is she a porn star or something?? I dont know who she is.
_______________
Nope. She's just an internet model. In fact, I don't believe she's even shown any nip yet.
Having said that, if you can find any (non-photoshopped) naked pictures of her, I'll +2 you for all time.
If you can find any genuine porn that she's in, I will mail you a HAM. That's right, HAM.
=============
speaking of large chunnks of mean, I'm checking out at Shop Rite the other day with the wife and we won a fucking TURKEY!!! 15 lbs
FREE TURKEY FTW
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That picture is pretty damn impressive.
Submitted by MajulCartoons (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
i'm assuming you live in one of those motel rooms like the guy from "My name is Earl"
The story was slightly amusing and semi-original
seems like a random event you chose to write about..., i once shared a cigarette with a transsexual wearing a milk crate on it's head... still i chose not to write about it or discus it...
ergh...
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is she a porn star or something?? I dont know who she is.
_______________
Nope. She's just an internet model. In fact, I don't believe she's even shown any nip yet.
Having said that, if you can find any (non-photoshopped) naked pictures of her, I'll +2 you for all time.
If you can find any genuine porn that she's in, I will mail you a HAM. That's right, HAM.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:19:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:17:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is she a porn star or something?? I dont know who she is.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-09 09:09:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome as usual.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God approves of electronic imitations, besides you didnt tell her to do anything wrong like touch herself.
you didnt tell her to touch herself, did you?
and for the picture,
OH LAWD
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fucking scrollwheel
maybe jesus did it.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:50:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hitler killed 8,000,000 jews and God didnt do anything.
__________________
Well, in fairness, Hitler did end up in a ditch, on fire, on his HONEYMOON!
That's a triple whammy!
===================
Eh I'm willing to bet that God doesn't show up.
I'm listeing to George Thorogood and he's pretty sure that Jesus doesn't care.
YOU'RE IN THE CLEAR!
One bourbon, one scotch, one beer.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hitler killed 8,000,000 jews and God didnt do anything.
__________________
Well, in fairness, Hitler did end up in a ditch, on fire, on his HONEYMOON!
That's a triple whammy!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-09 08:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude, you impersonated God.
Eh don't sweat it. Hitler killed 8,000,000 jews and God didnt do anything. I'm sure you will be fine.