A date with Jesus (435 hits)
Category: SportsRating: -1.37 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by johnny.b.dumb (View user info) at 2009-04-12 08:29:46 EDT
Today I went on a date with Jesus. Morning started with at the crack of 11 o'clock at a Welly church Easter Sunday Mass. I made a point of attending in full regalia ( entire family ). My kids need to know what they're in for If they decide to turn from the path of righteousness & wisdom by becoming Catholic. Of course normally I would never countenance my kids becoming Christian - I would just as soon beat them till they get detached retinas or floating kidneys - but since I am married, the choice is not entirely mine....
- Just to fill you in, I am a hairy-backed brute with the sensitivity of a rutting rhino, emotional maturity of an 8 year old feral child and an intellectual legerdemain of a special education traffic warden. -
.....Following the brisk course of religious indoctrination during which I refused to cross myself, kneel or give& receive hearty handclasps as symbols of peace, we filed out of the church & proceeded toward our favourite eatery for a Sunday brunch. We weren't alone, for legions of niggers, pakis, pandys, wogs of all persuasions and burka'd muslim women (at least I assumed they were muslim women, they could have been anything at all under there) were out and strolling arm-in-arm up & down Cuba mall. As we rounded the corner of Dixon and Cuba I nearly ran into an industrious group of hippie buskers trying to attract attention by their conspicuously obnoxious filth, juggling and what I presumed were attempts at music.
Luckily I had seen & heard the Tohora- Whales exhibition at Te Papa & was able to distinguish the series of clicks and booms for what they were - mating songs of spermaceti males. Silence is Golden I thought, as we strolled past. This was the moment a devotee of some obscure bhagawan chose to attach himself to my retinue. I noticed this young man from a distance. Shaven headed & saffron robed, he seemed to be scanning faces, looking for some hidden vulnerability he could exploit. Seeing my porcine eyes & inane grin, he homed on me & began his well practised diatribe:
Freak: "Would you like to read this free book by bhagawhan what's-his-name? Are you interested in eternal life?"
Self : "Sure, I like a challenge"
Freak: "Do you know that bhagawhan what's-his-name is the 15th incarnation of Ram & that his overflowing goodness bathes the world in ethereal light & grace?"
Self : " So, he's the bastard who's making it so difficult to use a small Newtonian to see anything below 13 magnitude - you should tell him to turn off that bloody light, otherwise I'll have the council after his incandescent arse"
Freak: " He is a holy man, worthy of emulation. Would you like to donate to the Ashram fund?"
Self : " I'll do whatever I have to to reduce light pollution. I've just come from an Easter sunday mass where Jesus himself came back as some wheat crisps & Pinot Gris. If your Bhagavan can do that, I'll consider it"
Freak: " .... "
Self : " I thought you said the book was free?"
I had him. There was panic in his eyes, panic & fear much like what I'd seen in the eyes of cattle waiting for the halal butcher's expert jugular slice. I held him in my porcine , inanely grining gaze for nearly a minute and let him go. I didn't look back.
On the way back to our 'burb ( public transport) I had plenty of time to consider what I'd done & what kind of a burke my wife married. Then I decided: I don't care which one of the myriad imaginary omnipotent friends my kids choose - Buddha, FSM,Moses, Krishna, Galactus or even Jesus - Just as long as they don't wind up on a street corner dressed in a yellow nappy trying to short con me out of the few kiwi in my pocket.
User Reviews
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-13 10:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ROROROROROROZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZIE ODONNELl
Submitted by johnny.b.dumb (user info) at 2009-04-12 17:31:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It could have been Pinot Noir.
Submitted by johnny.b.dumb (user info) at 2009-04-12 17:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Agnostic atheist? That must be exhausting. Does that mean that you doubt your own atheism or are you engaged in strident denial of your own doubt?
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-04-12 16:44:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You eeked out one point for religious mockery...
Submitted by FilledwithHate (user info) at 2009-04-12 14:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"I held him in my porcine , inanely grining gaze"
So you are a pig! I had suspicions....
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-12 12:54:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-04-12 11:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm an agnostic atheist so I'm assuming that you went on this date alone...as usual.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2009-04-12 10:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Jesus himself came back as some wheat crisps & Pinot Gris"
Ahahaha. Though shouldn't they be using red wine?
Submitted by johnny.b.dumb (user info) at 2009-04-12 10:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice being appreciated :)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-04-12 10:07:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Weak, rambling, ignorant, judgemental, boring, pointless....etc.
Though nice to see you working to your full potential.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-04-12 09:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Filename. Also, I found this boring.