There's a tree in my backyard that has been staring at me for three hours now. I think it's plotting an attack with the birds. My crossbow might not be enough. (881 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 1.9 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by wardy (View user info) at 2009-04-20 15:38:28 EDT
I'm not a pervert, at least not by the definition of pervert that most use. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the occasional ballyhoo and tomfoolery just as much as the next chap. But I think any healthy person does the same, hookers and blow make for a great Saturday. No, when I think of pervert, I think of the guy that sniffs couch cushions to track a scent.
Like my friend Jerry: the greatest hermaphrodite detective in the whole wide state of Montana.
If there's one thing I've learned from my time on the high seas with Somali pirates, it's this: don't ever draw swords with a swashbuckler from the Caribbean while tripping on dishwasher soap. Also, everyone might call you an idiot for packing a parachute along with you for every mission, but it's the one time you need it they call you a genius.
It was just last month that Jerry and I decided to take a canoe trip around the world, because Jerry wanted to be in the Guinness Book of Records as the first hermaphrodite to ever do so (Jerry also holds record in fastest hermaphrodite to swim across the English Channel, fastest to climb Mount Everest, and number of gender specifics tricked into having sex). We were on a train to the coast of California to set out on our adventure. Jerry was on all fours, sniffing the cushions of the chairs across the aisle from our seats, whilst being mid conversation with the couple one row up.
Geographically, I have no idea where I took you in that last sentence.
Jerry: So you say you're from Texas?
Man: That's right. San Antonio.
Jerry: That smells nice.
Man: Excuse me?
Jerry: Nothing. What's the weather like this time of year down there?
Man: It's sunny...
Me: I don't really think that's a weather description...
Man: I beg your pardon?
Me: No need to, but I think that my friend was looking for a bit better description than sunny. I mean, let's be honest. Saying the weather is sunny is like saying that a dog's ass is warm. Are you telling me you've fucked a dog in the ass?
Jerry: I have... do you think that's a record?
Man: What?
At this point Jerry had moved from his position on all fours to the seat next to me. He was foraging through his satchel to find his dilapidated 1989 copy of 'the Book', muttering something along the lines of 'if it ain't been broken in '89, it oughta be mine' or something along those lines.
Woman: So where are you headed?
Me: I can't tell you that.
Woman: Well that's odd...
Me: Well I think you're odd.
Woman: Wait a second, do I know you?
Me: Maybe... when were you born?
Woman: 1971
Me: No, you don't know me. I know everyone I know from 1971 and I definitely don't know you.
Man: Wait a second, Chloe, that's Wardy!
Me: What's your angle?
Man: You nearly burned our house down last year with a candle flame thrower!
Me: I doubt it. I was in Cuba last month.
Man: ....
Me: Ohhhh yeah, now I remember, you're Carl, right?
Carl: Yeah! What the fuck man?
Me: Yeah, sorry about that. But can you blame me?
Carl: Um, yeah, actually I fucking can. I'm calling the cops.
Me: Okay, go right ahead. I am pretty sure they'll side with me. A couple named 'Carl and Chloe'? Saying that together sounds like two retards making out with ring pops, and I know a thing or two about that.
Jerry: Me too... record book, bitches...
Chloe: You killed our dog Clara!
Jerry: I think you can see his point. CLARA! That was her name!
Carl: You fucked our dog?
Jerry: Twice...
It was at this point that Carl raised his arms in a menacing manner, so as to cast a spell or something. I couldn't be bothered with trying to find my shield, so I threw him out the window with Chloe and finished the job I'd started a year ago.
I bet they wished they had a parachute.
User Reviews
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2009-10-30 12:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
give me like an hour. i have to go fish tackling first.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-10-30 11:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PLEASE post something
you alone can save Uber
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-23 01:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-22 19:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-21 10:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tomfoolery
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-21 10:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-21 10:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not really my cup of tea but I guess creativity...eh?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-21 09:58:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-21 09:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-21 08:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as Hunter S. would say, "you are some kind of stunning mutant..."
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-04-21 06:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The +2 could have been for the title alone.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-21 05:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-04-21 05:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
atta boy!
And they doubted you!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-21 05:25:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Cakes (user info) at 2009-04-21 03:43:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2009-04-21 03:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i need a bath and a new set of dinner forks.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-04-21 01:28:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
great stuff!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-21 00:46:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wardy, you one crazy muthafucha!
I loved this post.
:D
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-04-20 21:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-20 20:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If there's one thing I've learned from my time on the high seas with Somali pirates, it's this: don't ever draw swords with a swashbuckler from the Caribbean while tripping on dishwasher soap."
Have truer words ever been uttered? Not counting anything George Washington has ever said because empirical evidence suggests he refrained from lying? Hello?
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-20 20:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was lovely.
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2009-04-20 20:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Should I eat these mushrooms?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2009-04-20 18:50:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2009-04-20 18:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
he's a fellow with a golden pond of fishes!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-20 18:11:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who the fuck is wardy?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-20 17:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well that was randomly delicious.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2009-04-20 17:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2009-04-20 17:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i own a pirate ship
and it's name is 'mary lou'
i wish i were a platypus
and then i would have all the things in the world ever
hooray wardy
hooray you
won't you be my friend
yippety doo doo
i like swords
and i'm a fan of fire
i wish the queen of england
were not so damn sexy and hot
hooray wardy
hooray you
won't you be my lover
yippety doo doo
i have fun with acid
and i enjoy pink floyd
one time in the middle of march
i got drunk on jim bean, punched a hooker, tripped on a pound of mushrooms and woke up in delaware with a dress on and a one-wheeled tricycle
hooray wardy
hooray you
won't you have sex with me
please?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-20 17:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh, wardy.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-04-20 16:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
: )
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-20 16:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Trees are cunning. You think they just stand there blowing in the wind but if you turn you back on them for a couple of centuries they will push your damn' house over. And they don't like humans, because of Daniel Boone and David Bowie. Or was it Jim? I dunno. I can see their point on that, a bit, I guess: Glass Spider was pap. Birds don't plan attacks with trees; birds take orders from trees. Trees don't talk very loudly which is why the birds have to sit in the trees - so they can hear. My house has trees all around it and you better believe I'm watching them. Sometimes I'll walk around the yard naked with a chainsaw just so they don't get any bright ideas. Maybe a big forstner bit in a battery drill and a bottle of maple syrup instead of the chainsaw, sometimes. Fuck trees.