Uber Pirates & Privateers - 3 (949 hits)
Category: GeneralLabels: Uber-Pirates
Rating: 1.6 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kaos-King (antius777) (View user info) at 2009-04-21 14:52:48 EDT
Parts 1 - 2: http://www.ubersite.com/u/kaos-king/l/uber-pirates
__________________________________________________________________________
"Eh, what exactly were you trying to accomplish, sir?" asked Spam.
"Simple," replied Cap'n Apollo. "Copious amounts of treachery."
"Yes well, that's not really any different than any other day, but..."
"You still don't catch it, do you?" Apollo asked his 1st mate.
The two sauntered across the upper deck, Apollo gestured to Hurty in the crow's nest and passed Bell at his machine gun. Going down onto the lower deck, the medic Berty was arguing with the quartermaster Banjo about the supply of Morphine. Shadow's wails of ecstasy and pain had stopped. The prisoner had succumbed yet again to inquisitor Emmission's deft hand. Spam shuddered at the thought.
"Do you know why we Britishers are the superior Privateers?" asked Apollo.
"Well, I assume it has something to do with our civility," replied Spam.
"Ah, there's that... but it's also in our intellect."
"No doubt!" piped Spam.
"The Peaceniks were an annoyance at best. However, they're presence terribly infuriated that zealot Cap'n Indo. Not only will he feel indebted to us for its destruction, but we left him a gift of sorts. A Trojan Horse if you will."
"I'm afraid you lost me, Captain."
"Crystle," replied Apollo. "Indo will try to ransom her off to Cap'n Scourge. Of course, it won't be easy when a certain crew member of his finds out..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * MEANWHILE
Scourge stood watching out over the water. Behind him, both NKD and Hadley shuffled in silence. Their captain was very, very angry.
"Get Ghola to release full rounds to Inion and Fallen," Scourge finally said.
"Captain?" questioned NKD.
"I want Drake on point and Sacrilicious in the crow's nest. Once we're engaged, I want LittleMonster to stay in the communications bumnker with you, Hadley. Ghola will stand with NKD and myself on the upper deck."
"We're... we're going to try a rescue, sir?" asked Hadley.
"No... we're going to try a negotiation. But I don't trust Indo in the least. I don't..." Scourge trailed off.
"What?"
"Who is Kaos's counterpart over on Indo's ship?" asked Scourge warily.
"Um, I believe it's McCallum, sir," replied Hadley.
"Oh, shit..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * MEANWHILE
"And whatever you do," stressed Skrap, "Don't you dare let McCallum know we have Crystle aboard."
"Why?" asked Sage as she cracked her bubble gum.
"You dumb slut," sighed IDDQD.
"Because he wants to pillage her booty!" exclaimed Sico as he hip-thrusted into Sage aggressively.
"Ewww!"
"Enough!" bellowed Skrap.
"He's gonna know something is up," replied Forensic. "And what do we do with Merlina and Lungfish? They'll tell him at the first opportunity."
"Lungfish isn't a concern," said Skrap. "Indo is talking to him now. If we give him a bottle of whiskey, he'll stay out of our way. As for Merlina, we believe we have yet another crew who might pay well for that one..."
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * MEANWHILE
"Jeanneee, both Danger and Wildman are shooting at whales again," said the quartermaster.
The 1st mate looked up at Sandy. "Do you really want to bother the Captain about this?"
"No, it's why I came to you."
"Listen, I don't really care. As long as neither Doodles or Phallic are using the grappling guns to haul in the carcasses..."
"Uhhh..."
"God damn it!"
Jeanneee threw her manual down and stormed towards the back of the boat. Sandy sighed and followed her. They found Fey staring listlessly overboard as a medium sized whale was drug closer to the ship much to the delight of the other crewmen.
"What the fuck is this?" screamed Jeanneee. "What have I told you about these stunts?"
"Aw, who cares if we slaughter a few fish?" remarked Doodles.
"I care," came a voice from the upper deck.
The crew snapped to attention as Cap'n Method of the pirate ship the SS ShlongyStyle came sauntering down the steps. He grimaced at all the assembled crew and walked over to the grappling gun device. Throwing the lever, he released the whale.
"I was just in the Comm Bunker with Toe. Seems our old friend Cap'n Indo thinks I would be interested in Merlina for some reason. I'm not, but I'm interested because he's not. We've set up a meeting."
"Ummm, you do realize it's a trap?" asked Jeanneee.
"Indeed," replied Method. "That's why I'm also contacting the Britishers. The only person who hates Indo more than me is Apollo."
As the crew began to chuckle darkly, Method turned his sights on Doodles.
"Why are you laughing?"
"Sir?" yelped Doodles.
Method smiled. "You've earned yourself a visit with Jonny X down in the dungeon."
"No! No... please Cap'n Method!" squealed Doodles clenching his bum with both hands.
Sandy and Phallic took his arms, Danger and Wildman took his legs. Crying and thrashing, they carried Doodles away to Jonny X's inquisition chamber. Method rocked back and forth on his feet and whistled We Are The Champions.
Fey sighed. "I hate stitching up anal cavities."
"You'll get over it," stated Method.
"Sir, if Indo has Merlina, I'm willing to bet..."
"Yep. They might have other survivors of the Peacenik ship. Including Crystle, which brings Scourge into this mix."
"Getting messy," said Jeanneee.
"All depends on who survived the Peacenik's destruction, my dear," replied Method cryptically.
User Reviews
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-04-27 08:42:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where the fuck is my gun that shoots swords?
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-04-23 17:01:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-23 16:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LM is american now?
_____
THE FUCK IS THIS KAOS?!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-04-23 16:54:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LM is american now?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2009-04-23 10:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've GOT to be kidding me...three installments so far and STILL no mention of me? THE captain of Uber for the past 4 years?
Dude, that's just not RIGHT.
Make it right, or I'll have you walking my plank.
Wait, what?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-04-23 01:14:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ctrl+F "haiku" just told me I have no interest in this uber-specific story.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-04-22 18:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Top notch!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-22 16:16:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-04-22 15:55:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here you go Ms. Evil Lord of Destruction/Greatest Present-Day Threat to Eternia:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/80686
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-22 15:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-04-22 11:36:30 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, forgot a 'ho' there at the end.
And with so many of those around on this site, how could I forget?
=====
Names! I want names!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-04-22 15:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought about making it about three women and use "Ho, ho, ho..." but I figured too many people would think about Santa Claus and miss the point entirely. So, I stuck with tradition.
And those three women know who they are.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-22 15:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-04-22 12:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, forgot a 'ho' there at the end.
And with so many of those around on this site, how could I forget?
===========
Nah, you just fucked up the punctuation.
"Yo, ho."
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-04-22 12:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahaha below!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-04-22 12:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit, forgot a 'ho' there at the end.
And with so many of those around on this site, how could I forget?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-04-22 12:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fifteen loads on a buxom chest,
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum,
Each of her lovers had gone to his rest,
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum.
She'd fucked the cook 'til he fell straight dead,
Balled out the bosun, burst a vein in his head,
And broke the first mate's ribs, and bed,
With top-ride bounce and deadly thighs;
But even once death closed their eyes
The wench stroked hard to claim her prize:
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum.
Fifteen men of the whole ship's haul,
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum,
Dead and be damned and their dicks rubbed raw,
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum,
The skipper lay with his knob in gore
Where the beauty's teeth had his balls a-tore,
And the scullion he was stabbed times four
By stilleto heels dug deep inside
The underbelly where your organs hide
And he didn't fire until he died:
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum.
Fifteen men of 'em stiff and stark,
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum,
All of the crew had a murder mark,
Yo ho ho & a bottle of cum,
Twas lipstick kiss or a tied up hand
Or a toy in the ass of a curious man
Or a handprint from a reprimand;
And how they lay, aye, damn their eyes
All dead from wanton paradise,
Their seed her twin breasts fertilized,
Yo ho & and a bottle of cum!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-22 10:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i feel shame for +2ing on namedrop alone, but rules must be followed or else we have anarchy.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-04-22 09:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
one was enough
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-04-22 09:38:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No shandythedog with the HMS Whitlof?
Eesh.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-22 03:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo, I buggered you to death in the last episode, ruled death by misadventure.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-04-22 03:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No fucking Drogo, sniff
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-04-22 03:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shadows mine, ALLL MINE!!! bwhahahahahahahaaha, you're next forensic, you're next.
*rubs hands* hehehehe
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-22 00:14:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-Fetch the Gimp.
-The Gimp's sleepin'...
-WELL I GUESS YOU BETTER WAKE HIM UP THEN!!!
Submitted by reginajacks (user info) at 2009-04-21 23:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm not sure how much i'd like this even if i knew all those people.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-21 20:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wait -- hoohah? you better damn well mean hookah, old man
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-21 20:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-21 17:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-21 16:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really? REALLY? no Ballare?
==============
I believe you already gave your hoohah to all the menz and wonemz on the boat. What more do you/we need?
--
RECOGNITION DAMMIT
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-04-21 19:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-04-21 19:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you suggesting that I like to drink?
^^^^^
That sweet little one-handed pirate-butt of yours says: YES! YES! YES!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-04-21 19:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you suggesting that I like to drink?
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2009-04-21 19:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha!
This is fun :-)
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-04-21 18:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A good start, but my junk quickly tires of your tongue-flicking and wants a full-throat massage.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2009-04-21 17:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-21 17:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-21 16:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really? REALLY? no Ballare?
==============
I believe you already gave your hoohah to all the menz and wonemz on the boat. What more do you/we need?
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-21 16:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
really? REALLY? no Ballare?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-21 16:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo's first mate?!
WHAT THE FUCK.
He's not even fucking English anymore.
And here I am SINGLE HANDEDLY PROPPING UP UBER, and all I qualify for is the position of FIRST FUCKING MATE???!!
THIS IS A FUCKING OUTRAGE KAOS. I BETTER FUCKING KILL THE OVAL HEADED CUNT AND TAKE OVER THE SHIP IN FORTHCOMING INSTALLMENTS OTHERWISE I SHALL BE WRITING A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER.
THAT'S RIGHT, A FUCKING LETTER.
WANKER.
=========
Look out, Kaos, you done pissed of an oldie. Them there letters could be the cause of yer demise.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-21 16:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The plot sickens...
-----
The story is certainly developing in an interesting way, and that comment made me laugh.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-21 16:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, aight. Let's get this party started! I don't think I'd do a hip-thrust but somehow it fit. Keep up the good work, Kaos.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"As for Merlina, we believe we have yet another crew who might pay well for that one..."
~~
Ohmygod I cannot WAIT to hear the next bit.... *jumps around excitedly*
This is a great series. I love the way you've played the characters..
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The plot sickens...
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:55:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:50:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shameless link prostitution: http://www.ubersite.com/m/112391
you reminded me of that story when you talked about crystle in the last installment.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo's first mate?!
WHAT THE FUCK.
He's not even fucking English anymore.
And here I am SINGLE HANDEDLY PROPPING UP UBER, and all I qualify for is the position of FIRST FUCKING MATE???!!
THIS IS A FUCKING OUTRAGE KAOS. I BETTER FUCKING KILL THE OVAL HEADED CUNT AND TAKE OVER THE SHIP IN FORTHCOMING INSTALLMENTS OTHERWISE I SHALL BE WRITING A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER.
THAT'S RIGHT, A FUCKING LETTER.
WANKER.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:31:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You dropped the ball a little not including me in a pirate story.
Submitted by Ducky (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:29:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
plus two.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cabin Boy Drake FTW!!!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am deeply troubled by your feelings towards me.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pirates and buttslammers.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahoy
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is an excellent series. <3
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-21 15:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow. The Brits sure are pompous twits in this series.
Good show.
And LOLOLOL at giving whiskey to Lungfish to keep him quiet.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-21 14:57:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Arrrrr.....
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-04-21 14:56:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto -2 no Yozz