Ich Bin Ein Gangbanger (1646 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.72 on 70 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2009-04-24 14:42:56 EDT
Vancouver is in the midst of a gang war. There has been a shooting / murder almost every second day here.
This is very unlike the Vangroovy I'm used to. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure how it's possible given the haze of THC that covers the city like a London fog. How anyone can get up the energy to load a gun, let alone drive somewhere and then point it at something in a city the rains bong water is beyond me, so I figured I'd give it a try.
You see, I've decided to join a gang. I don't really have anything to do on the weekends these days and I'm thinking that flashing some gang signs and some cool tattoos will give me some much needed cred in the IT community.
I'm not the type of guy to rush blindly into anything so I did some research over the last week and I found you need the following things to be a Gangsta (Gangster).
1 - Sideways Hat. - This is harder than it seems given my current hat collection. My cowboy hat makes me look like a trailer park Napoleon when I wear it sideways and it is notoriously hard to tell what whether a top hat is pointing magnetic north or true north once placed on ones head.
2 - Bling - Bling is Gangsta (Gangster) talk for jewellery. According to rap music all Playas (Players) gotsta have their bling. I don't have any bling (Jewellery) except for a plastic tiara that my daughter used to wear when she was younger. Luckily it still fits.
3 - Bitches - I don't know any bitches. I tend to hang out with intelligent, even tempered women. I tried to convince a couple of them to say "Yo" allot and shake their booty (ass) when they dance but they hit me and then went home. Neither of them returns my calls anymore... ok it was just one woman and she was my mom.... What kind of mom treats her son like that anyway?...Bitch!
4 - Guns - I have lots of guns, lots and lots and lots of guns. I shoot them at stuff fairly regularly.
5 - Slang - "Yo" Check.
"Gangsta" (Gangster) Check.
"Bling" (Jewellery) Check.
"Playa" (Player) Check.
With the research done it was time to practice.
The first thing I wanted to perfect was the drive by. According to my research, this is the favourite pastime of Gang Bangers. I figured if anything came naturally it would be this but I hadn't taken into account how hard it is to drive and shoot a bolt action rifle out a car window at the same time, and my top hat kept riding down over my eyes. The tiara stayed on though. My accuracy over the first couple of days went to shit and I incurred over $4000 dollars worth of damage to the body of my car (My apologies to the Vancouver High women's volleyball team), nevertheless by the end of day 3 I had successfully killed 3 condos and a double wide trailer.
I spent the rest of the week hanging around on street corners and empty lots with my hands shoved under my armpits and my shirt hanging out of my pants, and tagging (spray painting) buildings with '-2 Die'.
My fingers stink but I'm pretty sure I got the look down and I only got paint in my eyes once.
With practice out of the way it is time to apply to a gang.
The two biggest gangs in Vancouver are the Red Scorpions and the United Nations (not to be confused with that group of countries that pass resolutions that the US ignores.) At this point it is hard to tell which of the two is winning so I decided to generalize my application letter to appeal to both.
Here it is:
Dear Playa,
Please accept this as a formal application to the Red Scorpions / United Nations.
I am a conscientious, motivated, honest, person and I work well alone or as part of a team. Although I have no formal gang training, or relevant certificate, I believe that I have several skills (natural and personally developed) that would make me a valuable addition to your posse/crew/homeys. In addition I own several pieces of gear that I can use if your group does not already provide them:
I have a more than one hat that can be worn in a position perpendicular to the front of my face as well as a piece of bling to compliment my outfit. I also have a car with several bullet holes in it and a stereo that goes "Thump! Thump! Thump!" really loudly when I drive.
I am an accomplished drive by shooter, and have racked up several buildings and a school bus in the last couple of days alone. The bus was admittedly an accident (Thank god no one was hurt!) but I believe it shows potential.
I am currently in possession of several kinds of drugs and would be willing to donate to the Red Scorpions / United Nations until such time as we work out contract details re: wage / benefits. Said drugs include but are not limited to:
Sudafed - 30 gelcaps.
Extra Strength Tylenol. - Cosco size.
Liquid Gravol - Cosco size - I get car sick and it tastes good on my Cherios.
Various Laxatives - I get bored easy.
I am confident you will see that my potential is boundless and look forward to bustin caps (shooting guns) with you in the near future.
Sincerely,
Snark.
The second page of the letter is just my personal information and my Mom's name and phone number in case they can't get ahold of me.
I'm still trying to find a website for either gang where I can upload my application. Once I do, I figure it will be about a month before they can find a position for me within either organization given the economic downturn and all.
Wish me luck!
User Reviews
Submitted by AngelsGateEvictionist (user info) at 2009-09-04 21:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snark, my dear friend, for me to put in my favorite line here would mean quoting the whole bloody thing. This one is pure genius! As per what I am always saying about you, I am privileged to know you...lol...word.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-09-04 09:48:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-09-04 09:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
word!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-05-26 01:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-05-24 17:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... even awesome-ER would be you bookin' yer newly employed self on a trip to Vancouver to join us for drinks.
I think snarksie here would explode.
------------------------
I almost essploded at the thought of a visit. If Lishy ever did come for a visit I would probably spend the first hour sitting there and saying "Ubba dubba dubba" until someone smacked me.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-05-25 00:39:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-05-24 02:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ubersite is also this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f31PLcCXD0U&feature=rec-HM-fresh+div
---
That was hilarious.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-05-24 17:28:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
... even awesome-ER would be you bookin' yer newly employed self on a trip to Vancouver to join us for drinks.
I think snarksie here would explode.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-05-24 12:44:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ypu know what would be awesome? If I could read more than one chapter of Necro without uber breaking every 15 seconds all goddamned weekend.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-05-19 12:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Drinks!
Damn rights!
Hmmm I think Beef sent me an email a few weeks ago... let me see if I can dig it up.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-05-18 19:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Speaking of drinks... we should do that again soon.
I wonder if we can convince 'Quint' to come out as well?
Any other Vancouver uber nerds kicking around?
I seem to recall there being a couple. Is that charming beef fellow still in town?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-05-08 23:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smart phones=weird.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-04-28 09:37:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-04-27 11:54:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-04-27 01:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IT \S BECAUSE OF ALL THOSE CHINKS YOU LET IN YUOR CONTRY, HA HA HA
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2009-04-26 05:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-04-26 02:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-26 00:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just so thumps.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-25 18:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-04-25 00:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thiswashilarious!
~~
irritating cunt.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-04-25 00:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
thiswashilarious!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-04-24 23:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My po' white trash wanksta neighbor went absolutely apeshit Saturday night, the cops were called, FIVE cars showed up. He was slapping his girlfriend around, I went to my window and shouted at him to shut the fuck up, all the other neighbors were hiding, he walked around shirtless bellowing BITCH and NIGGAH while showing his (fake) prison ink, and then he threw a tantrum and threatened to leave home.
"Naw fuck you I'm out! Gimme my shit! I'm out!"
The fun never stops in the Bay area.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gmqN6fzcH_o
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-04-24 20:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would have the cops investigate the Sedin twins. I'm pretty sure they're involved.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-24 20:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Today at work I had to play '3 truths and one lie' in a teambuilding/introduction meeting. To break from the trend I made my lie the most boring one. I said I spoke fluent Italian, but you know what? I don't. Yeah, I'm a rebel like that.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-04-24 19:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
murder is sad..
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-04-24 18:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is like an exaggerated extension to that ultra-mega-hilarious knee slapper bling-bling bang-bang comment you left on the Tupac post that I still haven't stopped slapping my knee over.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2009-04-24 18:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its rare that a post makes me silent chuckle. This did.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 18:18:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOWZA!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-04-24 18:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this, but I'm here for the gangbang.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-04-24 18:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL!!
But remember "Jewelery" = "Jury" in Gangsta-speek.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-04-24 17:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-04-24 16:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-24 16:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
am an accomplished drive by shooter, and have racked up several buildings and a school bus in the last couple of days alone. The bus was admittedly an accident (Thank god no one was hurt!) but I believe it shows potential.
=================
Good reference.
Sage: Good looking is NOT a suitable criterium, you self-centered, superficial, shallow, ignorant cunt. JESUS!!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2009-04-24 16:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Federline's in talks to be a spokesman for Nutrisystem or some such shit.
I guess he's been putting on the pounds lately.
It's shit that I've been made aware of this by the media. Thanks for nothing, talking heads.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to say something about how he was actually funny in that SNL sketch, but I think that was the other guy.
Dick-in-a-box.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
When I was younger and in my prime,
I used to gangbang all the time.
Now I'm older and turning gray,
I only gangbang once a daaaay!
My personal favorite verse: Highway cop
Highway cop!
Highway cop????
Yeah - highway cop in the morning and I wanna gangbang, oh yes so fine.....
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wait ....
There are BLACK people in Canada??!!!
Huh.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck, eh.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I haven't seen recent pictures of him, no.
Ive been eating a ton lately...I had a breakfast sandwich, a Twix bar and a Green Tea when I got home last night around midnight... :(
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snark is getting rather snarky.
WIGGER WIGGER WIGGER WIGGER WIGGER!
Samuel L. Jackson: (on phone to Marcellus Wallace) Shit, Wiggro! Tha's all you had to say!
-------------------
Dear Forensic,
I hope you enjoy the bag of poop we leave on your doorstep this Christmas.
Love,
Canada
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:16:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sgt dont hate cause you can't date, hon. ;)
Wiggers are people too. And I actually have no interest in them whatsoever. K Fed is good looking, end of story.
-------------
Have you seen him lately? Old boy's been smoking too much herb and eating too many nachos.
He's fat, is what I'm saying. Hella fat.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:16:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are such a goddamn nerd and i love it.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:15:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snark is getting rather snarky.
WIGGER WIGGER WIGGER WIGGER WIGGER!
Samuel L. Jackson: (on phone to Marcellus Wallace) Shit, Wiggro! Tha's all you had to say!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:12:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
17
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:11:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Have just a point 'cause I feel like being a jerk and breaking your streak.
*cackles maniacally*
And Forensic...this dude was actually American and his name was Cory. He just talked about being German and had a German last name.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never fucked a wigger but I'll be willing to start.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:10:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
16
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:09:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck Christmas presents anyway. I dont care about getting presents. I would rather make a bunch of awesome food and get trashed with my friends/family. THAT'S the true meaning of Christmas, my friends.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've had a German try to talk dirty to me. It sounded like a pulverized typewriter being dropped out a window.
And I actually used to be (semi) literate in the language!
So I can make fun of them without penalty.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blasted Germans...nefarious fucks that have no peener control, at least THAT one didn't.
Reminded myself of "Pussy Control" by Prince....
lol
I'M FUCKING DELIRIOUS FROM A LACK OF FOOD...I HAVEN'T EATEN BREAKFAST OR LUNCH BECAUSE THE CAR WASH DUDE HAS HAD MY CAR SINCE 11 AND HIS FUCKING GENERATOR BROKE AND MY CAR WAS 1/2WAY WASHED...AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH I'M STARVING. FEED ME!!!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:05:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck!
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The list of people who are NOT getting Christmas presents this year.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And really I kind of even take that back. I dont really have a type. They have to have the je ne sais quoi...that's all I know.
And that's just the beginning.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You realise that I'm going to hold the fact that you boinked a German over your head forever, right?
:)
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 15:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
List? What is this list?
And Forensic...I'm being comical and facetious. I actually prefer skaterish types.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sgt dont hate cause you can't date, hon. ;)
Wiggers are people too. And I actually have no interest in them whatsoever. K Fed is good looking, end of story.
------------------
You're on the list like 15 times already young lady.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus, Sage, first Germans and now wiggers?!
You need taste.
;)
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn wiggers. Too many of them and no natural predators. Time to cull the herd.
----------------
You've been put on notice. One more time and your are going on the list.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
W word?
Wazowski?
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:55:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sgt dont hate cause you can't date, hon. ;)
Wiggers are people too. And I actually have no interest in them whatsoever. K Fed is good looking, end of story.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WATCH THE W WORD PEOPLES!
Some of us have feelings you know.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nothing at all *snicker*, dear *snicker*
*snicker, snicker*
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What of it if I did like wiggers, hmmmmmm?
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
K Fed is actually quite good looking, regardless of his "scrub"/"wigger" status.
=======================
Obvious to everyone that you like wiggers sage!
DUH
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of these articles from the onion
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25904
Herbert Kornfield FTW
=============
Wow, that guy is hardcore. I hope I don't have to run into to many people like him.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn wiggers. Too many of them and no natural predators. Time to cull the herd.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
reminds me of these articles from the onion
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/25904
Herbert Kornfield FTW
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
K Fed is actually quite good looking, regardless of his "scrub"/"wigger" status.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-04-24 14:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I apologize for the use of the W word.