What did you do to Jesus? (545 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.76 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Tesla (View user info) at 2009-04-27 23:10:44 EDT
Ok, so a 12 Monkeys-esque baby killing super virus has busted wide open south of the boarder. I get it. This type of thing simply happens (See the 1918 mom killing super flu). But at the same time as this super virus turns the Mexican landscape into something reminiscent of an Iron Maiden album cover they also get crushed by a gigantic ball dropping mega quake. I am a pretty rational guy so it is clear to me that this is no coincidence... someone pissed Jesus off in a major way. It is the only reasonable explanation at this time. Yeah you might be thinking about ever evolving flu strains, densely over populated urban centers, tectonic plates, and natural fault lines but come on guy. This one is on Jesus!
The only thing I couldn't figure out is why Mexico? They are one of the most devoutly Christian nations we have on this Earth. And they aren't like those shitty, "I should go to church it's Easter" Christians. These mother fuckers own, like, multiple rosaries each. The only thing I can think is Jesus just kind of crushed them by default. He obviously wanted to destroy America because Iowa now puts gay marriage in our Corn Pops but I'm pretty sure the ghost of Ronald Reagan protects us from famine and natural disasters.
Jesus is very smart though and knows America's weak point has always been our boarders. So he is going to infect everyone in Mexico with Swine Pox then knock their houses down so they pour into the United States and convert all our fluffy bread into the paper thin tortilla variety. Thus getting even for dude sex.
So to stop this mess from happening it's gonna take faith people and a lot of it. The only problem is normally we would pray to Jesus to come save us. Fail! You can't pray to Jesus to save you from Jesus it just doesn't work. So we got to find someone else and it seems to me that there is only one figure with enough pure goodness of heart and mind to save us from this shit-storm. Someone that came from nothing to work their way up the ladder in the face of hardship and social injustice. Who after such a long struggle got to the forefront of our national stage to emphasize a message of hope and change. Someone who taught us sometimes you have to look past your biases and preconceptions and only then will you find the truth. America we need to round up our faith to stop this wave of fiery death from the south! We need to pray to the only one that can save us! We need to pray to Susan Boyle! That bitch can sing!
User Reviews
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-04-28 17:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm actually pretty impressed that Iowa has emerged as the latest hotbed of same-sex marriage. It's like hearing that the mayor of San Francisco has pushed through mandatory gun-ownership legislation.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2009-04-28 16:41:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she's soooo hot
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-04-28 15:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bows.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-04-28 15:14:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry, it was me, I called him a miserable cunt for not seeing the funny side of that shit we pulled on him, rolling that stone in front of the cave when the nigga was taking a nap inside.
He didn't like being called a nigger either, on account that he was white.
(S)whiney little bitch.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2009-04-28 13:00:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He obviously wanted to destroy America because Iowa now puts gay marriage in our Corn Pops
gold
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-04-28 12:15:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus would not approve of this post. On the bright side, I thought it was great.
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2009-04-28 11:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's not my fault. The plague Jesus unleashed on the earth for my sins only affects kittens.
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-04-28 09:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Positive 2 for discovering Jesus' unholy, umm . . . , plan to destroy America.
Now we just need some meddling kids to pull Jesus' face off and reveal to the
world that Jesus is really Susan Boyle. The bitch is just trying to catch a break.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-04-28 08:24:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What they're not telling you about this plague, what they should be telling you, what you all really need to know but what is being withheld from you about the spreading swine flu pestilence is that there are those with a natural immunity to it. The immunity is not simply a mutation of certain people's white blood cells, no. It is more of an inadvertent dietary-based vaccination. A low-level exposure over years and years to the sorts of compounds the virus cannot survive in the presence of. If you have this immunity, you might get a bit ill but you'll recover. If you don't it's too late to try to get it now. You'll contract the disease and you'll die. What is the food that provodes the immunity to swine flu? If you think about it,you'll be able to figure it out. And once you know, you'll see that there actually is a viable, factual, real reason that...
BACON IS LIFE!
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-04-28 07:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-04-28 07:56:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
they are being punished for taking down our south of the border x-rated fun!
all those damn drug lords and their killing sprees have taken away cheap hookers and easy vicodin scores.
shut-it and let Jesus clense the land!!
AMEN!!!
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2009-04-28 04:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jc and his magic twelve prefer smaller venues and don't do dry lakebeds filled with 10 million mex's
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-04-28 04:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
May Susan Boyle bless your soul.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-04-28 03:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Swine flu is for pussies. Real men get shot in the fucking cock.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-04-28 02:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by carlangas (user info) at 2009-04-28 01:43:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funniest thing i've read on here in a while. +2 just for the visual of mexico as cover art for number of the beast
Submitted by TheBrad (user info) at 2009-04-28 00:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Blasphemy. swine flu is the Flying Spaghetti Monster's of testing a true pastafarians faith.
Not one pastafarian has been infected. What does that say?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-04-28 00:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or maybe it is because the mormans or buddhists or muslims are right and it's them punishing the devoutly christian mexico. Or maybe the dirty mexicans should just stop having sex with pigs.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-04-27 23:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fine.
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2009-04-27 23:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you had me at "America's weak point has always been our boarders"
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-04-27 23:15:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I disagree with everything you said, but I laughed. Plus two.