Washing my neighbor's car (1037 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: -0.44 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rad (View user info) at 2009-05-09 04:50:24 EDT
The following story contains TMI for most of you mongoloids to handle, but I'm posting it anyway because I hate you and this story's extremeness WILL make your heads explode!
So one day I was playing Russian Roulette by myself in the basement. Somehow I kept losing even though five of the six chambers were loaded. Suddenly I got tired of that horse shit so I cashed my elderly neighbor's welfare check and went down to the comic book shop to buy the June issue of Analog Magazine. Eschewing payment with money in favor of a brick to the cashier's face, I walked out of the shop reading yet another terrible alternate history story written by Turtledove. As I read on I kept getting more and more pissed until steam literally shot out of my ears and made a whistling noise. What finally pushed me over the edge was seeing a subhuman nignog walking by on the street, sucking in all my air with his enormous nostrils.
I dragged him into an alley and dumped a bag of cotton balls in the dirt and said "Alright, nigger, pick it!" "Jugga bugga!" it said. I put a stop to that noise with a whip to the face. After a few more lashings it started picking the cotton off the ground. "Sing, nigger, sing!" I yelled as I whipped. At this point most of the skin on his back had been flayed off, but he still managed to spew out a horrible rendition of "Amazing Grace" while he finished picking up all the cotton balls. I kicked him in the gut and he dropped all the balls he had gathered. "Do it again!" I took out a second whip and really started putting my back into ot. He had almost finished singing that old nigger balled for a second time when the lash hit him in the throat so hard that his neck exploded with blood. I kept screaming at him to pick up the rest of the cotton, but he had already died.
After that I drove over to the local immigrant community center in a car I'd stolen a few days before. Fortunately it had a sunroof, or else I wouldn't have been able to fit my cock in. I couldn't find a spot, bu I just parked by the back door, and went in. When the secretary looked up I knew she was a total bitch, so I blew her brains out, skinned her, and wore her flesh. The disguise was perfect. I walked through the place blasting innocent immigrants who just wanted to become American citizens. At one point I walked into a room that seemed empty, but I knew it wasn't. "I can smell your cunt," I said. Some burkah wearing bitch tried to run past me. I grabbed her head and slammed it into a wall. There was a nail sticking out of the wall and she was impaled on it! I fucked her with my multi meter slut slayer. SHe quickly died from the nail scrambling her brains, and when I saw the light leave her eyes I busted my nut.
After that I walked out into the foyay and was thinking about bouncing when some Chinese piece of shit ran in and was all like "Who stole my car? I know you came inside!" He was just starting to notice all the corpses and blood when I blasted him with a gun I took off a dead cop once. I got to taste some of his brains before the cops came in. Those stupid pigs thought I was the dead secretary. It was so hard not to burst out laughing when they called me a hero!
Everything in this post is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help me Darwin.
User Reviews
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-05-17 14:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by steph (user info) at 2009-05-13 07:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Douchenozzle.
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2009-05-13 06:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Happy Banning. Fucknuckle.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-05-12 10:25:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad is my hero. Just, you know, in general.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-05-12 10:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-10 16:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because the ratings system is bullshit anyway and is based more on whether you like the user than what they write, am I right?
--
Agreed. I remember getting e-mails from people ages ago saying shit like "how can you give me a -2 yesterday but +2 today?". Well... because yesterday's post was shit.
This cunt here does seem to just rate eveything -2 though and that's pretty fucking irritating. I mean, I don't really give a fuck: because of the circle-jerk all of my posts have pretty much the same rating anyway but still, it's discouraging for the few new users we DO get here to get bombed by this prick.
You don't click on a unknown user's post if it has a rating of 0.12 on 15 reviews do you? so the rating system isn't completely redundant.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-05-11 11:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OMFG, YOU ARE A CONTROVERSIAL LITTLE BUGGER, AREN'T YOU?
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2009-05-11 08:46:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
extreme
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-11 02:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-10 16:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because the ratings system is bullshit anyway and is based more on whether you like the user than what they write, am I right?
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This is totally true.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-05-10 17:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-09 14:19:32 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sucked. None of it was good.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-10 16:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because the ratings system is bullshit anyway and is based more on whether you like the user than what they write, am I right?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-10 16:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wildman, tlawrence is likely one of the people he rated well. I vote we hunt him down and rip off his itty bitty gonads.
--------------------------
I'll bet it's Professional Peon; it sounds likes her.
Seriously though Bubba, if this person deserves a karma smackdown for giving unfair -2's, what about all the people who unfairly give out +2's? They are equally as guilty for fucking up the whole rating system.
Though I enjoy puerile humor, I find the whole "commit-exaggerated-violence-against-random-people-while-bragging-about-penis/ball-size" genre pretty much played out. Maddox perfected it ten years ago, you can give it a rest now.
===========
And you can fuck yourself with a knotty stick, idiot. Fuck you.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-10 16:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Absolute dogshit.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2009-05-10 12:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ace
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-10 09:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
maiorano84 (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
joedaddy (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
RoadSong (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
Ducky (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
--------------
I mean, come on, really?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-10 09:26:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam (user info) -6 on 3 = -2.00
Porcelain (user info) -6 on 3 = -2.00
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) -6 on 3 = -2.00
orphelia (user info) -10 on 5 = -2.00
-----------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-10 00:13:01 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I give -2 ratings to shitty posts
--------------------
Bollocks, you give -2 to all the quality posts.
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-05-09 20:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 20:32:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post rules and Bubba can't do shit about it!
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-05-09 20:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can't remember if you're a fag or not.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 20:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I never liked Maddox.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:58:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wildman, tlawrence is likely one of the people he rated well. I vote we hunt him down and rip off his itty bitty gonads.
--------------------------
I'll bet it's Professional Peon; it sounds likes her.
Seriously though Bubba, if this person deserves a karma smackdown for giving unfair -2's, what about all the people who unfairly give out +2's? They are equally as guilty for fucking up the whole rating system.
Though I enjoy puerile humor, I find the whole "commit-exaggerated-violence-against-random-people-while-bragging-about-penis/ball-size" genre pretty much played out. Maddox perfected it ten years ago, you can give it a rest now.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay, guys, you caught me. I'm Caulaincourt.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How tlawrence has rated other users
Caulaincourt (user info) 4 on 2 = 2.00
bugblender (user info) 4 on 2 = 2.00
cdupee2002 (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Uzis_For_Orphans (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
sketch9 (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
thetruedudeguy (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Tigre (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
johnny.b.dumb (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Professional_Peon (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
MajulCartoons (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
sicosemen (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
RePet (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
indoninja (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
darthvaderswang (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
paranoiadestroya (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
8track (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Bones_Mccoy (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
MajorAssface (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
CTCSP (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
ToxicNarcotic (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
I think it's time for you to go.
And I'm going to actually take the time, to show you how that works.
=====================
Wildman, tlawrence is likely one of the people he rated well. I vote we hunt him down and rip off his itty bitty gonads.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like I said, most Uberusers post nothing but dog shit and I rate accordingly!
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jugga bugga!
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
How tlawrence has rated other users
Caulaincourt (user info) 4 on 2 = 2.00
bugblender (user info) 4 on 2 = 2.00
cdupee2002 (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Uzis_For_Orphans (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
sketch9 (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
thetruedudeguy (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Tigre (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
johnny.b.dumb (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Professional_Peon (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
MajulCartoons (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
sicosemen (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
RePet (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
indoninja (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
darthvaderswang (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
paranoiadestroya (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
8track (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
Bones_Mccoy (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
MajorAssface (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
CTCSP (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
ToxicNarcotic (user info) 2 on 1 = 2.00
TLawrence (user info) 48 on 25 = 1.92
dantangel (user info) 14 on 9 = 1.56
beeltea (user info) 0 on 2 = 0.00
domenad (user info) 0 on 2 = 0.00
Jeanneee (user info) 0 on 4 = 0.00
Merlina (user info) 0 on 1 = 0.00
Jack_McCallum (user info) -2 on 3 = -0.67
Phallic_Cymbals (user info) -2 on 3 = -0.67
NintendoCzar (user info) -16 on 9 = -1.78
monkeyswithguns (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
bozznc (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
JulsInsane (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
HellRazer (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
mixed_metaphor (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
no1hasdis (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
phuchuebuddy (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Bubba2341 (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Danger_Ranger (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
modernpost (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
VX-GAS86 (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
HurtByTheSun (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
sg11588 (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
redskieslookfake (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
strwbryfanatic (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
SgtHartman (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
mystiamoon (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
sandmantate (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
corn_nugget (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
yidele (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
coley (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
j0andre1 (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
FALLEN (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Fungah (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
DeathJester (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Plus2 (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Grimm (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Replen (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
rad1101 (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
LittleMonster (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
benderpress (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
DudeThatsBOSH (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
haikumikoo (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
gascs (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
experima (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
scourge (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Wildman (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
Adamdidit2u (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
gonefiguring (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
ghola (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
DarthFaded (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
rob_berg (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
electrictoothsyndrome (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
skee (user info) -2 on 1 = -2.00
messmind (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
SmalltownSally (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
apollo88 (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
BadCompany (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
sir_cowman (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
maiorano84 (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
joedaddy (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
RoadSong (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
Ducky (user info) -4 on 2 = -2.00
Spam (user info) -6 on 3 = -2.00
Porcelain (user info) -6 on 3 = -2.00
w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) -6 on 3 = -2.00
orphelia (user info) -10 on 5 = -2.00
kaos-king (user info) -12 on 6 = -2.00
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
I think it's time for you to go.
And I'm going to actually take the time, to show you how that works.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:13:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I give -2 ratings to shitty posts, which most happen to be. I'm (not) sorry if I interrupt whatever circle jerk you have going on when I do it but I have to stay true to my heart. PS, this IS my real account. If it was my fake account how would I be able to post with it???
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-09 19:05:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are a low-life piece of shit. You have fucked up more posts than anyone else here by dropping the -2 bomb on great things. Yeah, I know you are an alter, but it's too bad you don't have the balls to post/rate under your real account. Instant Karma's goone get you, gonna knock you right in the head. . .
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-09 18:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
goddammit i thought this was Rad
:(
i miss rad
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-09 17:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Sucked. None of it was good.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-09 17:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You suck shit.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-09 16:59:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yup
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-05-09 13:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Go fuck yourself.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-09 13:39:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-05-09 13:05:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-09 09:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You will never be Rad, or BOSHMan.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2009-05-09 09:13:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Garbage.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-09 08:22:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm conflicted over this.
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-05-09 05:43:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-05-09 05:34:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rad hasn't written anything half this rock'n'roll since he got some baby or some shit.
In other news i saw Ratatat on Thursday and, with a little assistance from MDMA, had one of the times of my fucking life.