My first uberpost Ever: The good, bad, and the ugly... (751 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.38 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (View user info) at 2009-05-12 01:28:44 EDT
I made this uber account to rate Spams posts and decided to post somethin myself. Here goes my meager attempt at posting something even semi interesting
Well I guess ill make this one about my current life circumstances.(for those 5 of you who read this, you rock!) Lets start by dispensing with the fake happy attitude shall we ? Honesty is the best policy right?
The Good
I dont have that many good things in my life right now, but lets start off with those good things shall we? Seems how the good things I have are pretty damned good. Im married to a woman who I love with everything I am, who takes my shit and doles it out herself. I have a three month old son, who is the coolest little guy on planet earth, And I love him with my whole heart. I may write more about him someday but for right now, i only have thirty minutes. Yes my good audience... i can only think of those two that are worth mentioning. Those two people are the best things i have going for me. And a large family who loves me very very much.
The Bad
Well, this will be a long list... oh me oh my, where shall I start... I have a father who is abusive twords me in every way he can get away with. Yes it used to be worse, but now im bigger then he is, much older and hes a little afraid of me. Nasty voicemails for when I choose to ignore his calls is the least... I wont get into that anymore because now i only have 24 minutes. And I live with my mother... now this is by no means the worste thing but still... WHO THE FUCK LIVES WITH THIER MOTHER AT AGE 23?!?! married and living with my mother... WOOT! And the cause of that is my crappy job that im either to fucking lazy to replace or am unable givin this economy. I havnt figured out which yet... I am a security guard at a Hanes warehouse... Yes boys and girls a ware house full of ladies underwear... I am the rentacop you see in the front desk giving out visitor's badges and staring at cameras all day. This job is shit for a number of reasons, suffice it to say I need way more then 10$$ an hour to do the shit I do here. And for the really bad of the bad... I havnt the money to even keep my wife fed day after day. Of course my son has formula cuz that comes first... but food for my wife isnt always in the cubbords... youll see why there is no food in my mothers cubbords ina few minutes. The wife wants to go into collage and I want to send her but It looks like i cant even afford it with student loans and grants from the Government... how the fuck bad is that?! And as the cherry on top... I cant stop smoking for the fucking life of me and I hate myself for that. Anyway, now to the ugly... be prepared...
The Ugly...
My little brother has cancer... What a nice kick in the balls that is... AsteoSarcoma... I probobly spelled that wrong but I dont care. I dont care to explain it so look it up if your wondering what it is. i only have 17 minutes. My son only has one kidney... how the hell?! but it looks like he will be able to live with it. But I cant let him play any kinda contact sports... at all!! How bad is that, knowing before hes even 2 days old that I will spend 18 years keeping him away from playing football... or anything else where his one good kidney might get hurt... Which we rnt even sure is good yet. FUN! He also has something wrong with his foot. His right foot points all the way to the right... All the time. One more doctors visit for that one!! and yes... I have things that are even worse but I dont feel like dragging those things up. I have worked long and hard to forget them and I refuse to destroy all that work by explaining it here. at least today. Maybe someday... but not today. only 12 minutes left!! Going to add some more good to this to balance it out a little bit...
More good
My sons smile and giggle is enchanting... when he looks at me and babbles and smiles his big toothless smile i cant help but not give a flying fuck about all those other bad and ugly things. him and my wife are the only two people that can make me completely forget. The way it feels when my wife holds me... not another feeling like it i can garuntee you. Seeing her laugh and watching her with our son is almost better then ALL of the rest of it. It makes all the prior heartbreak with other women worth it, and very forgettable. Whereas before it was the wretch of my life those old memories... I remember the first time he kicked my hand when he was still inside the belly. An undescribable feeling I assure you. those of you who dont know, you have to remember this post when you do find out. youll see I was right.
well I only have 7 more minutes before I gotta go turn in my end of shift report. ( Yes I did this while at work. That should tell you how eventfull my job is...) To those who read this, Cheers... and now im off to what spam referes to as a "Fag break" To all my fellow americans, Yes that term threw me off too. And to everybody who doesnt understand why the term is so entertaining, we call them smoke breaks. The term Fag is a Slur reserved for those who dont like members of the opposite sex.
User Reviews
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You can't pick up on the fact that those people, yes I'm talking about Asians, love to make jokes at other people's expense? I mean, I thought it was pretty obvious and I was raised in a third world country. I survived abortion. I can't be very bright, the oxygen was cut off to my brain in my first day of life. It's the fucking internet, moron.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 21:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wow sandman... wow... that was great. such beauty. . . whats with you people and assuming things ? really ?
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 21:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 14:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so obviosly you didnt read my post through enough. try again for maximum effect. Fuck you and your assumptions. I live with my mother because the roomate we had decided to gamble away our portion of the rent money instead of paying the rent. And in this oh so wonderfull economy there are no better jobs then the one I have. I know, I looked. so like I said, Fuck you and your assumptions
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Actually I was making presumptions about your apparent lack of intelligence and basic education. I was insinuating that because you only cared that you would "have to keep your son out of football" because he lacks a second kidney that your priorities were decking out your shared singlewide with nascar photos and working on your beer gut. Long story short; I'm calling you a troglodyte. I hope that your son turns out gay and then the reason you have to keep him away from football is because he enjoys the colon cleansing that he recieves in the locker room, kidney be damned. Also, why can't your busted ass wife put herself through college? Woman's lib and all that. You keeping a leash on that bitch, or is it the other way around? She recognizes your inability to form polysyllabic words and realizes that now that she is cursed with your mongaloid seed that she can put your dumbass to work. She'll be that whore we see on Cheaters that get's caught fucking the rotund trailer park manager wearing a wife beater telling you that if you had learned to take care of her needs, she wouldn't be banging Bob for the lot fees. Looks like you got a nice slice of Americana carved out for yourself there, v1p3r.
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-05-12 19:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I only read the comments.
Too lazy to read any more stories for the day, Lol @ TuTs for the Pirate joke.
I'm a pirate too ya know? Not that kinda pirate though, i ain't getting no gold and rum and skanky ass bitches.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-05-12 19:36:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Where the fuck was the good and the bad?
All I saw was UGLY.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-05-12 16:10:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm merely pointing out to you that everyone lives thier lives. being a bitch because someone criticized your story (sob or otherwise) will get you nowhere. not "retaliating" does rather take some of the fun out of it but I'm hoping that you will be beebed as promised because then you'll surely bitch out and give me something entertaining to follow.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 16:06:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
because I grow tired of dealing with people who think lifes a pissing contest im not going to retaliate. only point out that maybe you should think about being more like monkey. And I stick with my original comment, as it still applies. Fuck you and your assumptions.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-12 15:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Also, next time make your post more entertaining.
I don't know you, and therefore really don't feel like being burdened by your sob story unless it's offering me a laugh at the end, like...
perhaps "And that's when I realized that the waitress had put a clump of cat shit in my drink." or something equally depreciating and humorous to everyone but you.
Keep in mind of course you'll need to craft the post around that punchline, as it really makes no sense whatsoever to add it to the end of a post as if it were your signature.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-05-12 15:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and life
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2009-05-12 14:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Welcome to Uber.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-05-12 14:56:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 14:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so obviosly you didnt read my post through enough. try again for maximum effect. Fuck you and your assumptions. I live with my mother because the roomate we had decided to gamble away our portion of the rent money instead of paying the rent. And in this oh so wonderfull economy there are no better jobs then the one I have. I know, I looked. so like I said, Fuck you and your assumptions
ooh a scrapper huh? venom from the v1p3r? i'm bored and i'd considered giving you a hard time earlier but you weren't really being a bitch about it so i left it alone but now...
silly git. we make assumptions cause you put it out there for us to assume away on. Not that there's anything inherently wrong with CHOOSING to live with mommy (my parents and i get along much better apart) especially at 23 but look, you're a dad. I mean to hear someone like you making excuses is kinda lame. I worked two full time jobs while attending class, grants and loans, in the first few years of my sons life. you think i was proud of those jobs? happy with them? think i worked two because it seemed like good fun? no it's because there wasn't much better available to me so adding the income from the one to the income from the other made a sustainable wage. it wasn't fun, my marriage suffered some because of it but being responsible for an additional adult and a child you either step up and do whatever has to be done or you, well, i guess you live with mom and make excuses.
Cancer in the fam? that's a horrible reality. one that almost every one of us will experience either directly or indirectly. my closest run in (so far) was my ex-wife (then wife) being diagnosed with stage 4 hodgkins lymphoma. i worked 60+ hours a week and then came home to take care of my son while doctors slowly poisoned her almost to death while I could do nothing to directly help her through the most terrifying experience of her and our life except do whatever i could to support her.
and through this all i've dealt with layoffs, broken cars, emergency room visits, and a divorce. i guess what I'm saying is most of us might have some empathy for you but none of us feel sorry for you.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-05-12 14:29:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-12 10:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oooooh jokes! What goes clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clittpity-clop, BANG! BANG! BANG! clippity-clop, clippity-clop
Amish Drive By!!!!
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I eat Amish.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 14:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so obviosly you didnt read my post through enough. try again for maximum effect. Fuck you and your assumptions. I live with my mother because the roomate we had decided to gamble away our portion of the rent money instead of paying the rent. And in this oh so wonderfull economy there are no better jobs then the one I have. I know, I looked. so like I said, Fuck you and your assumptions
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 13:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So your kid only has one kidney and the only bad thing that you can vocalize about this is that he won't get to play football? It's time for re-evalution. If a fucking sport has such a high implied value to you, then I can hazard quite a few guesses as to why you live with mom while you're married with a kid.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-05-12 11:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
depressing and now for some reason all my jokes have left my think meat. except this one.
knock knock
"who's there?"
I eat mop
"I eat mop whoo?" (say it out loud for best effect)
oh, and of course, what kind of bee makes milk?
BOOBY!
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-12 10:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oooooh jokes! What goes clippity-clop, clippity-clop, clittpity-clop, BANG! BANG! BANG! clippity-clop, clippity-clop
Amish Drive By!!!!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 09:13:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That actually made me laugh. ok.
A pirate walks into a bar with a ship's steering wheel poking out of his pants. The bartender, very confused, asks the pirate why he has a steering wheel in his pants. The pirate replied:
"AAARRGGG, its driving me nuts!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 09:02:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What goes clip clop BANG clip clop BANG clip clop BANG?
An amish drive by
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 08:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 20:42:33 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 13:01:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 19:41:09 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
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Oh and you picked on my joke?
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YEAH! wanna make soemthing of it!
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Fine! Lame joke off!
Why don't blondes get coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 08:42:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 13:01:04 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 19:41:09 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
---------------
Oh and you picked on my joke?
-----------
YEAH! wanna make soemthing of it!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 08:41:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-12 12:48:23 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Emission, I have got one.
How do you fuck a skinny man?
Ugh good god, you don't, how revolting.
LOL
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?
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-12 08:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You need to learn to spell, quit playing on Ubersite, find a better job, and get out of your mom's house. Get to work on that and re-post once you have.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 08:01:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 19:41:09 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
---------------
Oh and you picked on my joke?
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post was actually terribly depressing actually.
Having said that, it's amazing how easy it is to deal with fucking shitty situations when you have the love of a good woman. It's something I recently learnt myself.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Emission, I have got one.
How do you fuck a skinny man?
Ugh good god, you don't, how revolting.
LOL
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:45:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How do you fuck a fat chick?
Roll her in flour and find the wet spot.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So dim the lights EI.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:19:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 12:00:57 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 18:47:05 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
ignore eveyone, im hot.
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I heard a rumour he is boring in bed though.
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OH NO!!!!
they always say crazy fat chicks are the best in bed
theres a reason for that.............
they are crazy
and fat
and willing to please
because they are
crazy
and
fat
still crazy and fat though
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
possibly the difference between getting caught with your dick in an inflatable sheep and getting caught with your dick in a real sheep.
plus real sheep are a fucking bugger to catch.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
They didn't count either, they were inflatable.
And on that topic, what the fuck is the deal with inflatable sheep? If you have to shag anything inflatable, at least let it be something that looks somewhat human. And if you must shag something sheep-like, then you might as well shag a real sheep, no?
Inflatable sheep bewilder me.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-05-12 12:02:42 BST (#)
Ranking:
I'm a virgin.
---
I'm sorry, I didn't count. And what about the sheep?
:(
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DONT LET THE FREAKS BELOW SCARE YOU AWAY.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At least he has sex, even if it is ruined by ennui.
I'm up for all sorts of kinky stuff, but, alas, I'm a virgin.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 07:00:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 18:47:05 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
ignore eveyone, im hot.
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I heard a rumour he is boring in bed though.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-12 06:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ignore eveyone, im hot.
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-05-12 06:42:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
all the best :)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-12 05:15:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-05-12 10:00:45 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ignore Orphelia, she thinks I'm hot so is quite clearly deluded.
---
Yes, ignore me, seems to be 'the norm' around here anyway...
And not deluded, totally insane.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-12 05:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Orphy telling you to proofread will go nicely in my next funny comments post
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-05-12 05:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why thank you sir.
Ignore Orphelia, she thinks I'm hot so is quite clearly deluded.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-12 04:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah. You know he is hot too.
Welcome anyway.
And this maybe rich coming from me but proof read, dude.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 04:00:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i have read nearly all of his stuff orphelia, and i would have responded to jut what you said, but ive no clue how to.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2009-05-12 03:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You will be Beebed
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-12 03:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Living with your mother isn't that bad, at least you aren't a virgin, in a basement, with no job, living with your mother.
Submitted by 8bithero (user info) at 2009-05-12 03:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
l33t!
L33T!!
LLLLLLLLL3333333333333333333333TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-12 03:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There are more people living in extended family lifestyle situations during times of economic crisis. I am seeing this more each day. I myself have my three formerly "extra" bedrooms full of relatives...
AND
I recently plucked a street kid and his puppy from a rainy street corner and took them back home with me for the last week till the rain stopped and the kid could hitch hike again. He was very handy around the place and fed the horses and fixed my lamp in exchange for a warm dry place to sleep.
Welcome to Uber.
ps
Good luck with the good-bad-ugly.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-12 02:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for having the stuff to admit how much you love your wife.
I hear so many men bitch about their wives its refreshing.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-12 02:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 purely for Spam.
His posts are inspirational, you should read his archives and +2 all his post, bitch.
Yeah, and he is hot.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2009-05-12 02:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bahahahaha
this screams for a MS-Paint post..
too bad im outta posting shape
wheezes
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2009-05-12 02:44:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
condoms, learn to use them.
your wife hasn't turn 20 yet or did she?
best part is that hou have a job, don't fuck that up.
goodluck with your life 'n stuff.
say hi to your mum for me.
Submitted by TLawrence (user info) at 2009-05-12 01:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment