Part 3 of 512: Japanese Influenced, Anti-Semitic Zoo Handler Fiction (683 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.88 on 19 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2009-05-12 15:57:01 EDT
This is the third part of a 512 part series that's been very dear to my heart these past few years. I actually considered putting it to rest because of the toll it's been taking on me physically and emotionally to write it. Physically, because there is an Asian man living in my apartment building who planted microscopic cameras in my bedroom and happens not to appreciate me basing the JIASZHF character Itachi, after him. Every time I leave to go to work he runs out of his room and greets me like we're friends, but then suddenly jabs my ribs with some prodding tool that looks like it's meant for adjusting logs in a fireplace. I can't understand what he screams at me because he speaks Mandarin Chinese and I only understand English, Hakka, and Cantonese. So anyway, enjoy while keeping in mind my writing this landed me in the hospital. I don't want to get into the details but let's just say after Mr. Yin watched me write this via his spycams, he jabbed me so hard he pierced my stomach membrane slightly with his prodder.
Part 1: http://www.ubersite.com/m/89534
Part 2: http://www.ubersite.com/m/118206
(If you don't have the patience to read the first two, and I know I wouldn't, all you need to know is that:
Mr. Itachi: Tyrannical zoo-owner, is a dick to Minhuouzo, hates Jews
Minhuouzo: Zoo-hand, daughter on the way, best friend is Archie, loves animals
Archie: A 400lb black gorilla who takes massive shits and gets random embarrassing boners. Gorilla GF's name is Desdemona.
Yoko Ono Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Itachi: Itachi's daughter who has a Jewish boyfriend.
There's other stuff, but I don't remember or care.)
~`~`~_~_~-_9_9!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_~~-_~-~_~~~___~~
As the Western sky grew a deeper purple and the sun ceased to peak over the snow-frosted hills many miles from Itachi's Zoo, the last of the enthused children exited through the gate with their unenthused parents.
"Did you see da geeraffs, Daddy!!," a little girl wearing a summer dress said as she skipped and licked her green popsicle, "Da geeraffs with da long necks!!"
"Yes, sweetie, fuck. Everyone saw them," replied her father, checking his watch.
Minhuouzo closed the gate and locked it behind them. Another day another dollar, he thought, his knees aching. He took the Washington out of his pocket and crinkled it, holding it to his chest. Just another six months and he'd have enough for his daughter's crib. "GETTA WAZE, MINNY," his Asian girlfriend always nagged, now nine months pregnant and her stomach nearly as big as Archie's, "YOU TELL MISTA ITACHI YOU GETTA WAZE OH I WEEW." But it doesn't work like that, he always tried to tell her. You can't just approach Itachi and ask for a raise, you'll spook him and he'd probably lower your pay to spite you. Generosity was as foreign to Itachi as diplomacy and masturbating with his left hand. Seven dollars a week was what Minhuouzo made, and seven dollars was all he'd dare to ask for.
Passing Archie's cage, kicking an empty slush cup as he walked, Minhuouzo came to a halt and looked at the gorilla peering back at him. Archie's eyes were heavy with exhaustion but wise nonetheless.
"What you think, Archie? You think I reave my wife, my baby, say fuck it?" asked Minhuouzo in a stereotypical Asian accent. He was dead serious.
Archie blinked and thought for a moment. From the hours upon hours in which Minhuouzo had told stories to him about his wife, he couldn't remember any instance where she didn't seem like anything to give a fuck about. Yi-Yi, according to Minhuouzo, was endlessly annoying, judgmental, selfish and insulting. Still though, Archie thought, the baby is what's most important. That little ball of flesh, tissue and hope inside Yi-Yi's stomach above her pussy was the only thing keeping hers and Minhuouzo's relationship hanging by a thread. So reluctantly, Archie shrugged and shook his head, no.
"You pwobably wight, Archie, old fwiend," said Minhuouzo and walked away.
But even after receiving his friend's thoughtful advice, Minhuouzo couldn't shake the feeling that he still needed to go far, far away from this zoo and this unfulfilling life that had fallen into his lap. He and Archie.
The gorilla watched Minhuouzo until he walked out of sight. He then let out a fourteen second ear-piercing fart which ended with an eighteen-inch log of shit covered in a wet corn-sprinkled casing squeezing out of his asshole. Archie picked it up and licked it, getting some corn and shit stuck in his teeth. The medicine Mr. Itachi had given him the other day to help his digestive tract had already started working, he realized. His shit had slowly but surely become less smelly and abrasive and even tasted better. For all the negativity Minhuouzo always pointed out, Archie really didn't even mind Itachi. Sure he hated Jews and beat off in public all the time, but who doesn't? He flung the shit log toward his girlfriend Desdemona who had been sleeping on the other side of the cage. It half-exploded covering the black fur on her back with shards of greenish-brown shit. She'll eat that in the morning, Archie knew.
"Ugh, Yoko what you mean come ova for dinna!" Itachi shouted into his phone, in his office. Minhuouzo walked by the door and nodded to him, as he was done for the day.
"Daddy, I want you to meet Marc's parents. They're vacationing here from Israel! Pleeeeeeease, it would mean so much to me," said his daughter on the other line.
The very thought of his child literally interacting with someone of Jewish heritage was sickening enough for Itachi. Now Yoko wanted him to meet more of them. Knowing she was more stubborn than he was, Itachi eventually conceded after a half-hour of arguing and hung up the phone. A kosher meal was to be prepared and all ready for them all to eat at 8pm. He rubbed the shaft of his nose, his migraine acting up again. Sitting back in his chair, he stared at the purple sky outside his window for a moment. All of a sudden, his penis filled with blood as he snapped his finger.
Opening his desk draw, lay a box of 9mm bullets and his Ruger P-95DC pistol.
TBC...
~`~`~_~_~-_~`~`~`!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_~~-_~-6~6!_~~~___~~
In my last post, I proposed to Uber that if anyone was willing to kill for me to continue this series, simply send me gratuitous pics of their naked breasts. I got a ton of feedback from people like Kristen, Mickginny, orphelia, yidelle, Professional_Peon and about a dozen others. (Minor note: interestingly enough, about 75% of the pics received involved the uberuser cradling both tits and sucking on one, even though I didn't even specify to do this in my post. Are you people mind-readers?) But in the end, the titshot picture I've fapped it to the most in these last few days has to be...
User Reviews
Submitted by JohnnyBurnside (user info) at 2009-06-09 17:41:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I rike how you developing the plot arc between archie the gorilla and his colon. Masterful!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-05-14 17:02:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SEE HERE, A CHRISTMAS STORY FIRMLY ESTABLISHED THAT >>ALL<< ASIAN PEOPLES, BE THEY CHINESE OR JAPANESE OR MINNESOTAN SAY "PREEZE".
I DID LIKE THE DELIBERATELY STEREOTYPICAL JAPANESE PATOIS OF WIWI OR WHATEVER HER NAME WAS, THOUGH SO PRAY CARRY ON.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-05-14 15:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Silly icarus, it was established in Part 2 of 512 that Yoko Ono Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim Itachi has an American accent unlike her Jew-hating father. And you call yourself a diehard JIASZHF fan!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-05-14 14:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You had the perfect opportunity to have Yoko say Preeeeze and you missed it? WTF?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-14 01:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
me
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-05-13 17:42:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-05-13 15:40:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
'the only books I've ever read in my life were the entire R.L. Stine collection'
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Hahaha, that's awesome.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:42:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cos I went like this reading this post.
:) :S :) :| - bemused.
So yeah like the camwhore, the funniest thing is I'm actually a really smiley happy person as soon as a camera comes out I stop, well no thats not actually that funny.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And tuts, I've been staring at that :| for the last four hours and I still can't decide what you mean by it. The first two hours of staring at it, I swore it looked miserable, bemused and in a concentration camp but now I'm almost inclined to say it's laughing and having the best time of its life. Either way, it looks identical to your camwhore expression.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
toe, never judge the content of a book by its title. Or cover. Or words inside.
Although, the only books I've ever read in my life were the entire R.L. Stine collection and 99% of those covers were Oscar-worthy (except you, "Be Careful What You Wish For..."!!), and I don't even care that they say those awards are strictly for motion pictures. Never let anyone tell you you're only for motion pictures or you'll never grow, you'll just be sitting around letting everyone tell you what to do like a child sweat shop worker. I need a grilled cheese sandwich now, this topic always gets me worked up.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-13 07:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:|
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-05-13 07:36:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-05-13 06:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
====
The planet would be better off without you
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Neat, now let me know your thoughts on being a bitter old cow?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-05-13 06:50:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-05-13 05:15:55 CDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your streak is over my friend.
I think it's the title? I still can't bring myself to buy Catch - 22.
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The planet would be better off without you.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-05-13 06:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your streak is over my friend.
I think it's the title? I still can't bring myself to buy Catch - 22.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-05-13 05:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-13 03:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
is that sage?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-13 02:09:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-12 21:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 "part 3 of 512"
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-05-12 16:31:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment