A very entertaining first date story... (855 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.46 on 40 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (View user info) at 2009-05-12 19:43:10 EDT
Well, to everybody who read my last one, if any of you came back... This wont be a depressing blog. ive got all the venting out of my system now, and its time for a fun story about my wife and I's first date. Ill call her Beth so as to keep her name out off the internet, she will kill me if I do otherwise.
About a year and and a half ago, I met Beth through a friend. We did alot of hanging out and all that fun stuff, and I thought it was about time after 2 weeks of being in the same place with my friend that we went out on a date, now a buddy of mine was out on leave from the Army so I had plans to go out and get shitfaced drunk with him and a couple other people so I invited her, making sure she knew that I would be staying the night out there, as its a 60 mile drive and I wouldnt be able to hang that. So she agreed and we went to Dave and busters for an hour or so, and then while standing outside smoking with my friends and her one of my friends decided he wanted to go to the strip club, now he just got out of boot camp so its only natural. But the girl I was with was adamently against strip clubs. My friend comes out of nowhere and says " HEY! Lets go to the VU " everybody says yes, and I look at Beth and I say " Is that ok? " and she says " ya, why not?? " I look at her a little closer and say " No no, are you Sure its ok ?? " trying to discreatly tell her taht she needed to ask what it was. But she was adament that it was ok. So I gave up, and decided it would be funny to see her reaction. Now we pull into the parking lot a few minutes later and she looks at me and says " What the fuck is The Vu ?! " i say " remember that strip club I told you I go to sometimes? well... " she responds " oh my god, why didnt you tell me " I tell her I tried and we get out of the car, she knows shes comitted to going in now and she cant help it. But she doesnt like it. And so we get into the door we pay half price because they know us there, that qwas the first tic against me... And of course one of the girls I knew was working the bar, and she looks at me says " Hi, Dr. Pepper right ? " and sets it down... now at this point shes looking at me expecting an explanation... I dont get the time to give it. I hear from behind me " Lane!! " I turn around to see one of the strippers I know racing twords me. she gives me one of those over eager hugs that are almost annoyingly too long. And of course she is wearing damn near nothing so it makes it look so much worse. as soon as the stripper leaves I notice Beth behind me with her arms crossed over her chest and a raised eyebrow on her face... I tell her " No I swear it looks so much worse then it really really is " and all she says is " Uh Hu... " So after about ten minutes of sittin in the smoke room one of the girls who works at the club comes over and sits next to me and starts talkin to me about how her son is finaly getting over this horrible cold, or some shit like that. I dont remember. But it was that second that she realized I wasnt lying when I told her we went for the loud music the free Dr. Pepper and to talk to the friends we had that worked there. THAT was a close one. But it gets better...
On the way home we stopped to get some Burritos at Del Taco. Now first of all, I should have known better. Beans give me gas, and cheese give me gas... But combine the two ?? and ive got ALOT OF FUCKING GAS. But I was still buzzed and didnt care. We where staying at my friends house that night and we where gettin ready to go to sleep. Beth and I where sharing my buddies Bed and my buddy was sleepin on the couch next to his bed. He was on his computer for a few minutes and Beth and I where layin on the bed watchin him do whatever it was that he was doing when I felt the burritoes hit me... I was nowhere near the place where I could fart in front of her and not give a shit. far to early for that yet. After all, only known her a month. I started looking for an excuse to escape for a few minutes but it wasnt working. We had just had a smoke, everybody had something to drink and the bathroom was atatched to the bedroom so this monster fart that I had brewing inside would deffinitaly be noticed. Now I figure fuck it, ill just hold it in till shes asleep and all will be well, no big deal. So we are talking for the next ten minutes and my friend cracks a joke. one of the gut busting tear in your eye variety... And its all over. Shes laying right next to me and every little tiny molecule of gas in my body came machine gunning out of my ass all at the same time. and not quietly, the ear busting what the fuck exploded kind... I can not stop laughing even still. Beth starts crying shes laughing so hard, but not at the gas... at my face thats as red as an apple. My friend chimes in ( Good ol' Jason... ) " Dude, it sounds like theres a fucking machine gun in your ass... " After all was said and done that night, we still shared the bed and i didnt gas her out of the room. Although I did stop tryin to hold it in.
The next morning I woke up to her sitting up on her elbow looking behind her at me, i had my arm draped over her and she was just looking at me. So I opened an eye and looked at her and she glances at my hand. I look at my hand to find that the little fucker found its way up her shirt, into her bra and was just contentedly holding the prize inside. So I shut my eye and quickly pulled the fucking rogue extremety out of its newfound home and pretended to sleep some more. Of course she saw right through my fake snores and turned around and kissed me. I love her for that first date. that was when I think there was no going back. But it deffinitaly the most embarassing first date ive ever had with any girl. And ive been around a bit...
User Reviews
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-14 01:45:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RANTMAN (user info) at 2009-05-13 22:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
if this were any other site I would have said "Amusing, but standard fare." But this is Ubersite, where tradition dictates a harsher response.
So...... Fuck Off And Die.
Now that that's out of the way, congrats on getting the comments you did. Some of those are priceless.
Submitted by Dimenhydrinate (user info) at 2009-05-13 19:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You all will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Fuck your petty sense of self.
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-13 10:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Responses are better than the story. Sandman makes me use the dictionary.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-05-13 10:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nitty sighting.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-05-13 09:43:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What all the others said about your spelling/grammar/formatting/post timimg prowess. Fix those and don't order us to be entertained in the title, and your work will be better received. Also, try not to be so infantile in your flaming. If you can't improve that, I suggest you take it to sissyfight.com. The thing about internet arguments is that you can't win, but you can lose.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-13 08:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Didn't read it. I don't read shit that makes me squint. Also, one post per day.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-13 07:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, what makes me feel good is reminding people like you that you are a genetic mistake. Life has dealt you a cruel, yet hilarious, hand.
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YEAH! That's some great irony right there.
I love it when a gay prostitute tells someone else that THEY are a genetic mistake
Submitted by nitty34 (user info) at 2009-05-13 07:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Perhaps you found the date "very entertaining" because the post sure wasn't.
Fucking misleading titles...
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-05-13 05:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
BIG BLOCK OF TEXT ASSHOLE.
Didn't read.
Submitted by Jack_Burton (user info) at 2009-05-13 05:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Reading the reviews on this is like watching Drunken Baby Boxing. The blows are ill-timed and poorly aimed and neither participant shows any sign of actual skill or technique but even so, for the audience, it's fucking hilarious to watch your cute little infantile sense of frustration as you both try unsuccesfully to mimic the adults.
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2009-05-13 03:47:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shit formatting and your username is more annoying than mine.
Plus I trust red
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-13 03:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-13 14:07:22 WST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 20:39:25 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LoL Roadsong, ill be sure to take all that into consideration. Fact is i was good at ditching... I mean REALLY good at ditching. So I never went to English class. So I havnt a clue how to write an essay or the context of a paragraph or any of that shit. I spent my school days fucking off around campus with my magical Stolen " Yearbook staff " lanyard that got me away from all the Yard Knarks' questions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fact is I was one of those child brides you hear about, married in the state of Utah with a baby by the time I was 14. When the old husband died, I was a very young very hot widow. I left and never looked back. Since I had not attended school, I just blamed my lack of school records on a earthquake and went straight to college, bypassing 8th grade and junior high and high school....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AHAHAHAHA
Best alter EVAR!!
<dies>
----------------
Nooooooooooooooo! That isn't fair. I liked Roadsong. Right who is it?
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-13 02:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 20:39:25 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LoL Roadsong, ill be sure to take all that into consideration. Fact is i was good at ditching... I mean REALLY good at ditching. So I never went to English class. So I havnt a clue how to write an essay or the context of a paragraph or any of that shit. I spent my school days fucking off around campus with my magical Stolen " Yearbook staff " lanyard that got me away from all the Yard Knarks' questions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fact is I was one of those child brides you hear about, married in the state of Utah with a baby by the time I was 14. When the old husband died, I was a very young very hot widow. I left and never looked back. Since I had not attended school, I just blamed my lack of school records on a earthquake and went straight to college, bypassing 8th grade and junior high and high school....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AHAHAHAHA
Best alter EVAR!!
<dies>
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-05-13 02:03:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awful. Just awful.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 20:39:25 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LoL Roadsong, ill be sure to take all that into consideration. Fact is i was good at ditching... I mean REALLY good at ditching. So I never went to English class. So I havnt a clue how to write an essay or the context of a paragraph or any of that shit. I spent my school days fucking off around campus with my magical Stolen " Yearbook staff " lanyard that got me away from all the Yard Knarks' questions
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fact is I was one of those child brides you hear about, married in the state of Utah with a baby by the time I was 14. When the old husband died, I was a very young very hot widow. I left and never looked back. Since I had not attended school, I just blamed my lack of school records on a earthquake and went straight to college, bypassing 8th grade and junior high and high school....
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did I ever say I was proud of the fact I never went to any of my class's? Newp! Never did. You mean to say you never did anything like that in your entire life???? *shocked* And you completely understood every course you ever took?! YOUR A FUCKING PRODEDGY!!! YOUR FUCKING PERFECT!!! SPARE ME OH HOLY ONE!!
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You're right. I didn't realize that high school was so damn hard. I must be a "prodegy". I shouldn't be so hard on you. It's not your fault that my parents weren't cousins and that gives me an unfair advantage.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck me, I incorrectly corrected the last "your."
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:08:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 20:17:12 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and the point of that last one was ? ya know. I bet your some 90 lb twelve year old who gets off on " Putting people in thier place " if you really think your making me mad with your remarks. well, i guess ill let you keep going, after all it does make more people see this post on the "most recently remarked list" so by all means. keep spinnin your wheels and makin yourself feel good
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Twelve-year-old should be hyphenated you pedophile. I'm still not going to read the post.
And the point of that last remark was what? You know, I'd bet you're some 90lb twelve-year-old who gets off on "putting people in their place." If you really think you're making me mad with your remarks; well, I guess I'll let you keep going. After all, it does make more people see this post on the "Most Recently Reviewed" list. By all means, keep spinning you're wheels and making yourself feel good.
I lost count around 20 corrections for a single paragraph.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did I ever say I was proud of the fact I never went to any of my class's? Newp! Never did. You mean to say you never did anything like that in your entire life???? *shocked* And you completely understood every course you ever took?! YOUR A FUCKING PRODEDGY!!! YOUR FUCKING PERFECT!!! SPARE ME OH HOLY ONE!!
And thank you cheerios
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-05-13 00:00:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a decent read, but like the others said, you need to hit the return key every now and then.
Submitted by melkorthedelerious (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"We did alot of hanging out and all that fun stuff"
I quit reading there, learn to spell and detail your activities.
I assumed that by "all that fun stuff" you meant anally raping injured goats and I refused to read on.
You sick fuck.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LoL Roadsong, ill be sure to take all that into consideration. Fact is i was good at ditching... I mean REALLY good at ditching. So I never went to English class. So I havnt a clue how to write an essay or the context of a paragraph or any of that shit. I spent my school days fucking off around campus with my magical Stolen " Yearbook staff " lanyard that got me away from all the Yard Knarks' questions
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THE SHOCK IS EPIC! I would have never guessed that you had no basic grasp on the English language! You're so cool to skip all those basic education classes, and look, it totally paid off for you in the end! What with the sweet job, the kickin lifestyle, and your babies club foot! Your gene pool must be ankle deep.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:39:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LoL Roadsong, ill be sure to take all that into consideration. Fact is i was good at ditching... I mean REALLY good at ditching. So I never went to English class. So I havnt a clue how to write an essay or the context of a paragraph or any of that shit. I spent my school days fucking off around campus with my magical Stolen " Yearbook staff " lanyard that got me away from all the Yard Knarks' questions
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, it's not a failure to insult you. It's a failure of you to understand big words. I'm not going to dumb it down for you, because I'm really making these comments for others to read and enjoy. If you want small words, I'd recommend you go somewhere else.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:34:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-05-12 19:38:05 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Straight up, just change the formatting of the paragraphs so they're smaller (we need to take breaths), fix the spelling and grammatical errors (they're frequent), and don't post twice in 24 hours and you're in there like swimwear.
~~~~~~~~~~
What SullyThe Pirate said...
Tis true
I did not dare mention this because I have a severe case of lackacomma-spaceitis myself.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ya know sandman, its like failing at insulting people is your specialty. I salute your tenacity
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:32:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, what makes me feel good is reminding people like you that you are a genetic mistake. Life has dealt you a cruel, yet hilarious, hand. Keep your chin up, Corky, and one day soon you'll be able to get your own mobile home and yank the wheels off, then you'll not have to see your mom's decomposing panties flapping on the clothes line anymore! You're gonna make it someday, soon; I can feel it. Your employers are going to notice the exuberance you show at your job, and the tenacity in which you tug on your dick while staring at the crates of granny panties, and they will surely promote you.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and the point of that last one was ? ya know. I bet your some 90 lb twelve year old who gets off on " Putting people in thier place " if you really think your making me mad with your remarks. well, i guess ill let you keep going, after all it does make more people see this post on the "most recently remarked list" so by all means. keep spinnin your wheels and makin yourself feel good
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:17:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Also, if you were looking for CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, then I would tell you to finish getting your GED now, and not to wait. There is no replacing the pride you will feel when all of lot C comes together in a glorious orgy of oily mullets and untrimmed cunt pubes to throw you a drunken, cop bait BBQ celebrating your completion of a High School equivalency program. And only 6 years late! If it would heighten the joy, I'd even stop by to throw beer bottles at your face in an attempt to detach that wall eye of yours.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 23:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Yeah, that wasn't a rant you illiterate shit stain. It was a diatribe. Try taking a shower and buying a book that wasn't illustrated by Dr. Suess. Seriously, if I wanted an opinion from you, I'd stick around after butt fucking your wife. Until such time as that, the only advice I can give you is to quit sticking your dick in the vacuum cleaner.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 22:52:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
such anger sandman. * pats shoulder * But im sure that nice rant of yours did make you feel better. And thank you for the CONSTRUCTIVE critisism sully
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-05-12 22:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I must have missed the part that was entertaining.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-05-12 22:38:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Straight up, just change the formatting of the paragraphs so they're smaller (we need to take breaths), fix the spelling and grammatical errors (they're frequent), and don't post twice in 24 hours and you're in there like swimwear.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-12 22:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lets see...
Farting and stripper story.
Maybe a good photo would have helped ....
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-05-12 22:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My favorite part of this is the part where I didn't read it. I also loved when it ended, because then the subhuman rambling stopped. Seeing your spelling and formatting I'm reminded of a chimpanzee banging it's ass on a typewriter. Sure, it's entertaining to watch the silly monkey think that it's people, but do we really want to read the epic transcript? Normally, I'd say no, and this post has not changed my mind; because once we scraped the shit off the keys we realized that this is not the work of Shakespeare.
Please note that there is an audience for this tripe, but I'm not going to be a patron. See, unlike you, I'm not a failed abortion, and the umbilical cord was not wrapped around my neck when I was born, depriving my brain of sweet, sweet oxygen. I initally wanted to offer you some advice, but decided against it, because I've come to the conclusion that when the smell of shit is lingering through the singlewide, there is a moment of doubt as to who soiled their pants; was it the infant son or the dead behind the eyes, ape man father?
I'll make you a deal. I'll petition to have the zoo put in a tire swing if you promise to go back home and quit chucking feces at the nice people.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-12 21:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Hold up.
You thinkin' what i'm thinkin?
I'm thinkin I'm thinkin too
Slow up.
What time is it dawg?
It's time for a switcheroo
We both love our moms. Women with grown women's needs. I say we break 'em off, show 'em how much they really mean.
Cause I'm a mother lover. You're a mother lover. We should fuck each other's mothers.
Fuck each other's moms.
Submitted by v1p3r0412 (user info) at 2009-05-12 21:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why thank you moopy, She is. and the best part is, she has to deal with my gas every night now. Bwahahaha
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-05-12 20:08:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Use bigger paragraphs next time, you fucking idiot.
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-05-12 19:54:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh, very amusing. Didn't really laugh till the part where you farted though. Sounds like it was a good one.
Your mrs. sounds really sweet too, i'm happy for ya.