Another "getting old" post (1216 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.86 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (View user info) at 2009-05-13 11:15:42 EDT
Since there is so much talk recently about getting old, let's just toss this out as well.
One hallmark of "getting old" is that although you chose not to reproduce, some of your friends did and now their progeny is in their teenaged years. It sneaks up on you, you know? One minute you're awkwardly holding a neonate, and the next minute the neonate is asking you how to give a proper blow job.
I knew something was up. My friend's daughter had recently earned her driver's license and her eyes glinted from the heady joy of it. The girl also has a boyfriend. He's a nice kid, but also a typical teenage male, i.e. he's horny and apparently more than a little impatient. Apparently, he's been begging my friend's daughter to blow him.
Don't get me wrong, my friend is great and has a fairly good relationship with her daughter. Outside of the typical teenaged/parental occasional tension and several, "GAWD MOM I'M NOT A BABY ANYMORE LEAVE ME ALONE!" and "Forensic, I swear I could strangle that girl!" there has never been any serious problems.
The girl is allowed to drive one of the family's cars at will, within reason, as long as she keeps her grades up (honor roll student) and doesn't slack off on her chores. The boyfriend can drive, but doesn't get to all that often as his folks work odd hours therefore removing the option of having an extraneous vehicle around.
The boyfriend thinks he has hit pay dirt. His girlfriend, who he has been nagging to blow him, has reasonable access to a car. With this new development, he tried another tactic to convince her. Now that she got her license, they should celebrate. By her blowing him in her family's car. She agreed to it, probably because of the naughtiness factor of blowing one's boyfriend in the same car your mother uses to go to the grocery store. I know how teenage girls think having navigated those waters years before.
One problem. The girl hadn't performed fellatio before. Tending to be somewhat of an overachiever, she wanted to do it right. Talking to mom about this? No. Not just 'no,' but HELL NO! I'm not sure how or why she came up with the idea that talking to me was the best option, but that is precisely what she did. Now, when I was her age, I didn't trust my parents' friends at all. I was a paranoid kid, assuming that anyone and everyone associated with my parents would rat me out in a second. This girl trusts me however because I had been out one evening and saw her standing with her friends in front of a movie theatre, smoking. I had no intention of embarrassing her, but her eyes caught mine and her face twisted into a mask of horror.
"Oh my gawwwwd! Puleeeeeze don't tell my folks!" she squealed.
I kept her secret.
I listened as she explained to me that she and her boyfriend intend to start exploring oral sex. It was at this point that I began to ponder the ethical ramifications of functioning as a confidant in this matter. As I began to mentally tally up my 'karmic' deficits and assets, she asked if I could give her advice. Tally, tally, tally.
I've always believed in open and frank discussions with kids since I believe ignorance to be a form of evil. But I was balking at this.
"I've sorta looked at some stuff on the internet." she said. I mentally cringed.
"Hon, a lot of pornography is unrealistic. Don't assume that's how, ummm, it really is."
"EW! I didn't watch PORN!"
She told me she had been pouring over lurid amateur sex advice blogs, most of which were probably written by women like me, which is a horrifying concept in itself.
"I, uh, you know, like, practiced on a banana."
[blinking] "Uh huh." I made a mental note to scourge my soul later on that evening.
"So, uh, do you, like, have any advice on how to give a good blowjob? I mean, like, how do you do one?"
Gods.
"Listen sweetie, I've known your mom for years. I can tell you for certain that your mom will not hesitate to kick my ass across the state."
"I won't say a word, I swear! Please tell me!" her eyes began to bug.
"He's not forcing you, or guilt tripping you into this, is he?" The girl assured me that incessant nagging aside; he had not threatened or otherwise extorted this future blowjob out of her.
I ended up copping out a little and told her that there was probably not much more I could add to the knowledge base than what was already floating around out there.
"Does it, you know, taste bad? Some stuff said yes, some said no. I dunno if I can swallow it if it tastes gross."
I don't believe in hell, but I came damn close.
"Kind of salty. Maybe a little bitter. Depends on his diet." I said in a monotone as an invisible fist pounded my brain into jelly. She wrinkled her nose a little.
"I'll just keep a Kleenex in my hand in case it's nasty."
"Yeah. Ok. You do that." Monotone.
I managed to regain my senses enough to urge her to not to rush into anything until she was ready, be safe, and all the rest of the stuff old people like myself tell kids her age. I made her promise.
"Cool! Thanks, Forensic, you're awesome!"
With that she trotted away.
I'm now convinced that what actually ages a person, you know, really puts the years on the psyche, is situations like this.
User Reviews
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-05-15 12:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-14 11:57:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Remember when it was safe to stop at road side restrooms?
Now there are muggers and ruffians, baby rapers and worse who lurk at these stops waiting to ply their trade.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-14 04:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-05-14 09:01:17 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
There's is too much of this 'Oh I'm old' stuff here today. Pop back and all I get is reminders of my passing youth.
----------
I apologise Drogo, it may have been Caul and me to blame.
So, are you gay yet?
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-05-14 04:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's is too much of this 'Oh I'm old' stuff here today. Pop back and all I get is reminders of my passing youth.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-14 01:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-05-14 00:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn it! Why didn't you tell her injesting semen increases a woman's breast size? She'd have made a far more desirable citizen, I'm sure. I actually told that to a girl once (a blonde), but she insisted it was only the pre-cum that had that effect.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2009-05-13 22:50:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you could have just printed this off for her: http://www.ubersite.com/m/37177#625178
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
goddammit. ubersite seemed so much more anonymous back then.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-05-13 21:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And then I read the post.
You're the Tainted Ivory Girl... not her.
My helmet is on too tight again isn't it?
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-05-13 21:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tainted Ivory Girls FTW!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-05-13 19:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been told I taste like honeysuckle nectar.
That's an utter lie.
Still, the line forms to the left.
'Cause that's how I hang.
omfgtmi
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-05-13 15:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-05-13 14:40:25 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words : Expired Milk
====
What? As in I'm expired milk?
I'm lactose intolerant, pookums. *raspberry sound*
---------------
As in you're past your best before date you anorexic, wrinkled, old slag.
But that's okay. I still think you look hot in the cardigan with the fruit on it. xoxo
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/37177#625243
I miss squattail.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-05-13 15:19:11 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you could have just printed this off for her: http://www.ubersite.com/m/37177#625178
====
Wow! Now there's a blast from the past!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:20:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and scourge ftw...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
though she likely wouldn't have understood what you meant by 'don't post anymore'
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:19:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you could have just printed this off for her: http://www.ubersite.com/m/37177#625178
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They're going to do it anyway. I'd rather them seek out a trusted adult rather than listen to other kids.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
of the couple of teenagers i still know, several have asked me stuff like that. if they're under 18 i say tough luck i can't tell you but use a condom for everything. should try that, because really depending how old she is whatever you just told her is probably a sex offense according to most ridiculously puritanical state laws.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
forensics such a cute weirdo.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-05-13 15:58:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-05-13 14:40:25 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words : Expired Milk
====
What? As in I'm expired milk?
I'm lactose intolerant, pookums. *raspberry sound*
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-05-13 15:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two words : Expired Milk
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-13 14:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gold.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-05-13 14:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-13 14:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I kept her secret.
I listened as she explained to me that she and her boyfriend intend to start exploring oral sex. It was at this point that I began to ponder the ethical ramifications of functioning as a confidant in this matter. As I began to mentally tally up my 'karmic' deficits and assets, she asked if I could give her advice. Tally, tally, tally.
I've always believed in open and frank discussions with kids since I believe ignorance to be a form of evil. But I was balking at this.
"I've sorta looked at some stuff on the internet." she said. I mentally cringed.
"Hon, a lot of pornography is unrealistic. Don't assume that's how, ummm, it really is."
"EW! I didn't watch PORN!"
She told me she had been pouring over lurid amateur sex advice blogs, most of which were probably written by women like me, which is a horrifying concept in itself.
"I, uh, you know, like, practiced on a banana."
[blinking] "Uh huh." I made a mental note to scourge my soul later on that evening."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Amazing image, your mental cringe and soul scourge.
Sticky wicket this, her mom being your friend and all. Looks to me you did your best with the kid and you did the right thing. {as I have come to expect you would}
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2009-05-13 14:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good rare insight is always wry and the knob labeled 'laughter' has been tweaked a bit. Too bad it's often bitter. Does it say something about me that that would be something to my taste?
Well. Whatever. I liked this.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-05-13 13:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was an five-star read.
Stress does not cause aging. Waiting causes aging.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-05-13 13:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You presented something the LCD could relate to, yet STILL remain a classy old broad.
Kudos.
Submitted by reginajacks (user info) at 2009-05-13 12:49:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my current bf has a sweet tooth and it really makes a difference, believe me
how old are you?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-05-13 12:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-05-13 12:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
at the top.....
of the pole, I watch her go down,
she got me throwin my money around...
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-05-13 12:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-05-13 16:58:37 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont know where to start.
~~~~~
That's what my auntie said.
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:58:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There's just too much here for me to comment on. teenage bananna blowers, uber-granny head, FJ's aunt.
I dont know where to start.
Im too old for this much stress.
Submitted by BadCompany (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:48:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fun stuff.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:43:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops didnt mean a zero down there
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you gave her pretty boring advice.
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE LIVENED UP THE FESTIVITIES...MAYBE SHOW HER HOW TO DO IT RIGHT?
PS. If you forgot how to do it, I make myself available for you to practice on.
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:40:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-05-13 23:21:16 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
hi fellow ubergrandma
HAHA...
--------------------------------
i know , right!
i love how some people who are only a few years younger than us hags in our 30's like to keep trying to project some sort of shame onto us because of age?
wtf is that?
stupidest insult ever, like we could do anything about how many years since we were born.
christ, call me a miserable bitch but dont look foolish by acting like age can be stopped or avoided by anyone who actually manages to stay alive.
<waits for caul to pop in and call me an old, bitter, insecure, deluded, bitch>
hot!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahah well worth it forensic
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-05-13 23:21:16 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
hi fellow ubergrandma
HAHA...
------
Neither of you are Grandmas, your both too cool. Grandmas are either mean and knit or try to feed you and are sickly sweet.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded my of the time I asked my auntie to show me how she gave blowjobs.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:26:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You did the right thing, Forensic.
Suck a dick, save a smile.
:D
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what is it with Uber and sucking dick today?
what ever happened to good old fashioned rape?...
as always, GOLD forensic.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-05-13 11:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hi fellow ubergrandma
HAHA...