Drunk Driving's Not A Problem; It's Being Drunk In 7-11 Where Shit Fucks Up (918 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.79 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by puck (View user info) at 2009-05-16 14:48:06 EDT
The rain must have stopped sometime between my third and fourth drink, because by the time I left the bar the roads were dry. It had been pouring when I went in, and thanks to dim lighting and clouds of smoke the change in lighting outside went unnoticed. Eight shots of bourbon whiskey and two beers later I know I shouldn't be driving. I probably cut myself off right before they were going to legally be required to; the red carpeting seemed to be rolling underfoot.
You know you're drunk when the harder you try to stay in the center of the road the more you wind up crossing the yellow lines. Thankfully, I had some spare Karma or something, because the cops didn't seem to be watching the roads. The sudden flash of light and blare of a horn jarred me severely, and I realized I'd just won a game of chicken with a eighteen-wheeler.
I pulled back over to my side of the road, and further onto the shoulder. I stopped the car and put on my hazard lights, before fumbling for my pack of smokes. There was one left, and clutching it in my lips my brain struggled to send the right set of signals for hand to light the end. I cranked down the window, and blew the smoke outside. The world was silent again, save for the crickets and the cars in the distance. I turned the car back on.
Carefully I pulled back onto the road. Five more miles until I got home, and then I'd be fine.
"FUCK!" I realized I had to stop somewhere along the way to get another pack of cigarettes.
I swerved and veered another four blocks before I found a 7-11. I sang their slogan in my head as I pulled into the parking lot and hopped out of the car. I walked inside and was overwhelmed by the brightness of the florescent lighting. My eyes watered as I blinked and adjusted them, and my drunken stupor directed me opposite the check-out counter and towards the corner.
Slushies!
Damn the marketing executives who set up those displays for always managing to pull me in. I was drunk and impulsive, and I NEEDED a big cup of cherry flavored ice-shit.
The thought of consuming more liquids trigged an instinctual reaction. Before I commenced the Slushie-making, I'd have to take a leak. I stumbled across to the other side of the store and went into the bathroom. The door locked securely behind me, I unzipped my fly and proceeded to take the absolute best piss of my life.
At least it felt that way at the time. As I was pulling back up the zipper, I jumped. Outside in the store there was a loud crashing sound followed by shouting and commotion, and, startled, the cold metal teeth on my jeans met the tip of my cock. My eyes watered again, this time in pain, and I bit my lip and leaned again the wall. The yelling continued for a bit, and then there was the sound of slamming car doors and an over-exerted engine. It took a few more minutes for the pain to die down and to finish catching my breath.
I washed my hands and splashed a bit of water on my face before I left the restroom. Either I was still in shock or too focused on just getting home, but I didn't notice that two of the displays had been knocked over and one of the windows had been shattered. The Indian guy working behind the counter was rapidly talking into the phone, and, unaware of what has just transpired, I pounded on the counter and demanded service.
"A pack of Camels and a big-ass slushie, NOW!" I yelled as my fist struck the advertisement for a new lottery game.
The cashier jumped a foot and screamed, turning around to face me. "TAKE! TAKE! JUST TAKE AND LEAVE!" He spat his broken English at me as he thrust a carton of cigarettes into my face.
"Huh?" I stepped back and looked at the guy, who was staring at me like a deer about to be roadkill. He kept holding out the carton, so I took it and walked over and made my Slushie. I was intently watching the red goop ooze from the machine into my cup when I heard a new voice behind me.
"FREEZE! PUT YOUR HANDS WHERE I CAN SEE THEM!" I turned my head to see one of our boys in blue, gun drawn, aiming right at me. I put my hands on my head and, actually surveying the damage around me for the first time, finally pieced together what was going on.
I obliged the officer, and when he came up to me I tried to explain myself. The majority of it is a blur, but I spent an hour in handcuffs before I convinced the police of my drunken innocence. By that time my car had been towed, and the cop told me he wasn't going to give me a ticket for public intoxication. I guess he figured I'd had enough for one night.
The next day I got to read all about the robbery in the paper, and thankfully they omitted explicit mention my drunken cameo. I never told that story to anybody until the day my brother got arrested for drunk driving. Unfortunately, I think he took the wrong moral out of it.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-21 08:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I love robbing 7-11's.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-05-18 10:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about your peener.
One of my good friends got arrested for being drunk in public outside a 7-Eleven about a year ago. That place is dangerous.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-05-18 10:13:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-05-18 08:19:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-05-18 04:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you lucky, lucky bastard.
good story :)
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-05-18 02:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good thing yure not a negro, otherwise you'd be shot dead
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-18 01:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-17 10:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh sorry wrong post
i am sure this is awesome, puck
:)
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Orphy, we all know you a dumb twat, but we loves ya anyway. . . . . . . . .
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-05-18 00:36:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
more, please.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-17 21:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-17 06:51:04 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"...Mostly we come here to waste time and many come to vent steam from their frustrating jobs and fact they have small willys and fat wives."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
MY willy is not small and my wife is NOT fat!
WAIT, I have neither willy or wife or job.
I found myself looking down just to make sure there was no small willy hiding in my pants...
heh
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-05-17 15:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-17 11:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should have stuck to email, sorry myst.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-17 10:30:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your lucky you didn't hit some innocent on a bike or taking a night walk and end up in real jail.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-17 10:16:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-17 15:04:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Just fuck 'em!
---------
thats just uncalled for!
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-17 10:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ugh sorry wrong post
i am sure this is awesome, puck
:)
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-17 10:04:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why not just laugh about it?
That's my point - it doesn't mean anything.
Rob should go boil his baby.
And eat it.
See?
Come oooon, stop being so serious.
Those that know you, know you are cool - everyone else? Just fuck 'em!
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-17 10:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ummm wtf?
wrong post
wrong place
just wrong as my friend as well.
and the reply that had all the typos was before i changed the batteries in my keyboard and i didn't proofread.
do i owe you a bill for this or what?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-17 09:51:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mystia, listen, please.
I mailed you about this but you can't have read it properly. I comment here only hoping some agrees and you see sense.
No one comes on Uber to make friends. Whilst many of us do that is a happy coincidence.
Mostly we come here to waste time and many come to vent steam from their frustrating jobs and fact they have small willys and fat wives.
You can't rate someone to be 'nice' and expect them to be 'nice' back. You have been here long enough to know it doesn't work that way.
And telling someone to stay away is silly and will likely only attract more negative attention.
I find if someone is being an insultive pain in the arse the best thing to do is either play along and have some fun or ignore them. Rreally, they will give up and go away.
Without wanting to sound unfriendly this only the internet and once, long ago, I may have taken things personally but know I realise nothing people say matters a single bit.
If you want to stray away from the 'crazy/loon' lable simply stop replying as you have done below.
It really looks as if Rob is just having a laugh and you are raging at him, and raging so hard you can't type properly!
You are a nice lady and I think you have a heart of gold but I feel you wear it on your sleeve.
Toughen up chick and if he really gets on your tits remember, Uber really loves a jolly good hate post.
Really, sweety, there are better battles to fight than internet ones.
:) xoxoxox
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-05-17 09:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-17 05:55:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dedre (user info) at 2009-05-17 00:45:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, much better than my scenario where I got a DUI, and my comment to myself after that night was "at least they didn't blood test me to see all the drugs!"
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-16 20:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To clarify my :( was in response to the rather poor story.
Not bubba's "insult"
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-05-16 19:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Enjoyed it.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-16 19:10:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
:(
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-16 19:08:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-16 19:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title caught my eye.
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Your eye is distorted. You are a fucking fool. Get over it, little boy.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-16 19:01:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The title caught my eye.
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2009-05-16 16:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everything is exactly right
When I walk around here drunk every night
With an open container from 7-11
In St. Ides Heaven