Dance, You Monster, to my Soft Song (575 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by QuinnTheEskimo (View user info) at 2009-05-23 00:44:01 EDT
I want to say a thing or two before I start writing this. First, I never wanted to be like my father. My mother villified him, made him seem inhuman at times. While I love my father, he has never been a man I admired. The other thing I wanted to say is sorry. I'm sorry to the women I've known. When I think of you, each and every one of you, I can still hear music.
I was invited to a wedding the other day. It was surprising, I didn't think I was good enough friends with the man to even be invited, but he asked me to be a groomsman. I was touched. I was honored. And I was very excited when I found out there would be an open bar for both liquor and candy, my two favorite treats.
My father has never been without a woman. Married seven times, divorced six, two of them mothered children for him. He swings from woman to woman like Tarzan through the jungle. As soon as he has a firm grip on the next, he has let go of the last. Perhaps he is like me. Women drive me crazy. Just one look, a laugh, even a smile sends my heart racing. I immediatly begin to desire my hands on her skin, fingers in her hair, my lips on her neck. I'm pathetic. Does my father think this about me, about himself? I wonder if he is as ashamed of himself as I am of myself. And why shouldn't I be ashamed? Lust is okay, but if you aren't in control of your lust you are weak, and weakness is something to be ashamed of.
I had to attend the wedding rehearsal. I dressed up. Everyone else showed up in shirtsleeves and blue jeans. I stood out, to say the least. We learned our parts in the wedding, walking up and down the aisle a few times getting to know our surroundings. Every chance I got I tried to sneak off, either to take a puff from the old wooden pipe that once belonged to my great-grandfather, or to find the pretty red head I had spotted earlier. There was something about her handshake that had shaken me up. I missed her, though, until I was about to leave. I told her it had been nice to meet her, and left. Off to rehearsal dinner at the groom's house.
I was in college when I learned how atoms are constantly splitting away from each other, connecting to new atoms, and forming new molecules with new behaviors. My father is an atom, constantly breaking away from women, forming new bonds, and changing his behavior. His seven wives stand as a bleak reminder to that. Maybe it has only been six wives. I think after five it really doesn't matter anymore. Does he feel guilty, the way I do, knowning he has hurt someone? I don't want to be like him. I have a girl, and she lets me run my dirty fingernails through her straw colored hair.
But my girl wasn't at the wedding. The beer flowed easy at the rehearsal dinner, and the cute red head was there, laughing with her friends and family. I hardly knew anyone there, hell, I had only known the groom a year or so. I sat quietly back, puffing on my old wooden pipe, sticking to the less populated areas at the party, trying to stay under the radar. But the red head found me. Sarah, she reminded me of her name. We exchanged pleasantries. She asked why I wasn't enjoying the party. I told her I was, but crowds weren't my thing. We were in the midst of this very conversation when a voice called out to us, telling us the crab was served.
I never understood my father's womenizing. He seemed happy with each women, so why would he need more than one? He laughed the same way, made the same jokes. I though I was better then he was, yet as I grow older, I find my father's morals and my own coming closer and closer together. He becomes a man I can admire more while my self-loathing seems to slowly build in the darker corners of my mind. Perhaps one day our moral compasses will point in the same direction, but for how long? I found myself in the same position that my father had so many times, I wasn't sure if I would take the high road or not. I don't want to be like my father, and regret the follies of youth while remaining foolish.
The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. My mom's mom told me that. She was trying to make me feel better, but it didn't work. Sarah and I hit it off almost instantly, though the booze may have helped because without a little liquid courage I'm sort of a wet blanket. I was smoking slowly from my pipe, the cherry tobacco dying in the lamp light, when I first kissed her. I told her if she wasn't into it she could blame the beer, but she smiled and said it was okay and we kissed again. I'm not sure how long we camped on the groom's front porch, but it was well after dark when we finally made our way into the backyard again.
How does my father cope? I cannot imagine being him, dealing the his entire life, trying to rationalize the choices he made. I've heard it said that people make the best choice they can with the information they've got. That's not true for my father. I feel he makes the choice that will bring him the most pleasure. How could he lust after women when he was married? Did he not understand marriage? Perhaps he is a creature without love. But what kind of creature can exist without love? Even Frankenstein's monster was moved by it. I used to think of my father as a monster but he isn't that, he is the serpent with the flickering tounge, letting slip from between his scaly lips sweet nothings that drop on unsuspecting ears like snowflakes. If anyone here is a monster it is myself. I care about these girls, each and every one of them. I can hear music when I remember them, yet I let them all fall by the wayside.
In the backyard mason jars had been hung up with wire and filled with candles. It looked like stars had been captured and hung beneath the tent that covered the dining tables. By this time most everyone had left, so Sarah and I curled up on a bench and began to pass the time with the same getting-to-know-you conversations everyone has. Where are you from? Any sibilings? I tried to warn Sarah that I was a monster, a villian, a venemous snake in the making, but she didn't believe me. I told her with one hand I would hold hers and with the other I would crush her heart, smiling all the time. She didn't believe me.
I feel flat. I have no depth. In every person is an ocean, yet I feel that inside of me there is only a greasy puddle in a driveway evaporating in the heat of day. I told Sarah that and she told me not to worry, that this feeling was common. She majored in psychology, so maybe she knows. I was thinking about my girl, with the straw colored hair, while I held Sarah there beneath the candle light. I was already a sinner. I may not have touched her, but my mind had. I was impure, a sinner in my own eyes. My thoughts and desires were a swirling mixture of lust and regret.
I made the excuse that I was too drunk to drive and Sarah was staying with the bride and groom anyway, sleeping in the living room on the couch. I was finishing my last beer of the evening when Sarah began to go inside. I told her to warm me up a spot on the couch, and she said I was being too forward with a hint of a grin on her face. We sat for a moment longer then at my insistance she stood and went inside. After I heard the door close I slowly walked around and blew out the candles, one by one.
User Reviews
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-05-27 08:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sparkling.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-05-27 07:54:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sir_cowman (user info) at 2009-05-26 18:15:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
On a side note I believe that "true love" can survive cheating.
_________
i don't.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-05-26 10:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-24 01:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Re: title
that's what she said.
Submitted by bustedcompass (user info) at 2009-05-24 00:33:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The writing, fantastic. The emotions, palpable. The decisions, human - questionable but human. I want to downgrade to a 1 because of the decision, but find I can't. Here's your 2.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-05-23 23:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A fine read. Well done.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-05-23 16:15:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Replen (user info) at 2009-05-23 14:30:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff
Submitted by mystiamoon (user info) at 2009-05-23 14:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-23 06:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-05-23 13:42:14 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just remember that "undying love between two people" is a very modern Western idea. Previously (and in many cases still in the rest of the world) marriage had more to do with social obligation and familial loyalty.
Without being a scaly, bitter misanthrope (quite the contrary, I'm a huge optimist) I am FAR from convinced that "I wuv you lets live together forever" is in any way amenable to human nature, or is a preferable state of affairs for us to live in. I think it would be interesting if a lot more people actually sat down and wondered whether they wanted that kind of love instead of allowing themselves to be convinced by shmoozy hollywood pap.
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Actually they have actually got a little scientific evidence that monogamy was essential to human survival. When humans became bipedal the little humans could no longer hold on to their mothers back hair to be carried around, leaving her hands free for foraging, climbing etc. So the mother human became helpless when the child was small, meaning the partner she had pair bonded with needed to supply their needs. Monogamy rose out of social and physical needs and we have continued to persist in the practice. On a side note I believe that "true love" can survive cheating.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-05-23 06:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-05-23 13:42:14 WST (#)
Ranking: 2
Just remember that "undying love between two people" is a very modern Western idea. Previously (and in many cases still in the rest of the world) marriage had more to do with social obligation and familial loyalty.
Without being a scaly, bitter misanthrope (quite the contrary, I'm a huge optimist) I am FAR from convinced that "I wuv you lets live together forever" is in any way amenable to human nature, or is a preferable state of affairs for us to live in. I think it would be interesting if a lot more people actually sat down and wondered whether they wanted that kind of love instead of allowing themselves to be convinced by shmoozy hollywood pap.
===============
Actually they have actually got a little scientific evidence that monogamy was essential to human survival. When humans became bipedal the little humans could no longer hold on to their mothers back hair to be carried around, leaving her hands free for foraging, climbing etc. So the mother human became helpless when the child was small, meaning the partner she had pair bonded with needed to supply their needs. Monogamy rose out of social and physical needs and we have continued to persist in the practice. On a side note I believe that "true love" can survive cheating.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-05-23 05:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I skimmed this earlier, but didn't bother rating.
My mistake - I was tired, it's early in the morning, and I'm slightly hungover.
However, just had a strong coffee, and went over this again.
Good job. Good job indeed.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-23 04:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-05-23 03:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-05-23 02:32:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this
Submitted by viciousness63 (user info) at 2009-05-23 01:58:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful and poetic. I don't relate to the cause, but I sure as fuck relate to the guilt.
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-05-23 01:42:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A proofread wouldn't've hurt, but this was still 1000x more effort than the average, and decent sentiments.
Just remember that "undying love between two people" is a very modern Western idea. Previously (and in many cases still in the rest of the world) marriage had more to do with social obligation and familial loyalty.
Without being a scaly, bitter misanthrope (quite the contrary, I'm a huge optimist) I am FAR from convinced that "I wuv you lets live together forever" is in any way amenable to human nature, or is a preferable state of affairs for us to live in. I think it would be interesting if a lot more people actually sat down and wondered whether they wanted that kind of love instead of allowing themselves to be convinced by shmoozy hollywood pap.
Find your own way, man, but if you decided on something there's no point in constantly regretting it.