Doodles gets a new home at UBERVILLE Hospital (1109 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.69 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Kaos-King (antius777) (View user info) at 2009-05-30 13:14:12 EDT
ONCE there was a special boy named "Doodles." He was so named that, because his mommy had been on a coke binge and found the moniker wonderfully whimsical at the time. This was also, mind you, the same time she discovered she was five months pregnant to any one of her many Johns. She thought for a moment that "John" might be a more proper name, but settled on "Doodles," as it would work regardless if the child was female, male or mutant. Let us just say that our Doodles leaned towards the third.
He had a wonderful childhood spent playing such imaginative games as 'Pretend To Be A Pile Of Soiled Landry' or 'Peek-A-Boo Cockroach!' However, as Doodles grew older, his mommy began to realize she wasn't quite as fond of motherhood as she sometimes thought about fifteen percent of the time. It was decided that Doodles would go to live with his Uncle Bubba at the special Big House out in the country.
A place mommy told him was called Uberville Hospital.
So Doodles polished his helmet real, real clean with spit and said goodbye to his favorite cockroaches and left one bright, sunny morning for Uberville. As he was extra special, he hadn't quite processed that mommy wasn't going to be staying with him; only that he would be making some many wonderful new friends! Friends, that were not cockroaches, too! Sure enough, when they pulled up, a nice lady was standing out front waiting for him. Mommy said something about an appointment and left Doodles there.
"Hullo!" he spoke up. "My name is Doodles, and mommy says I'm super-duper special!"
"Of course you are, deary. My name is Nurse Merlina."
"Mommy also says that I'm her little coat hanger crawl-away, but I'm not sure what that means!"
"Uhhh, let's get you inside."
The two strolled into the foyer of the hospital and Doodles looked around in awe. It was bigger than the Goodwill that mommy had tried to leave him at twice. Big windows were even up on the ceiling! Doodles got over-excited as he sometimes did and began babbling nonsense. Nurse Merlina tried to calm him down, even offering him a small lollipop.
"Can't, can't, can't... no sweets says mommy, no, no, no..."
So busy spinning in circles and babbling, he hadn't notice the scowling doctor walk up until he ran into him. Doodles stopped and peered up, the man's face a mask of both disbelief and utter disgust. Placing a single finger upon Doodles' helmet, he pushed the special boy away.
"What, may I ask, is this... creature?"
Nurse Merlina sighed. "Dr. Scourge, please try and be nice. This is our newest guest, young Doodles."
"Doo - Dooles" Dr. Scourge pronounced with dripping distain as he looked over his clipboard. "Dear Christ, it is named that."
"Come, deary, " cooed Nurse Merlina as she shooed Doodles along, "Let's get you to your room."
"Medicate it!" roared Dr. Scourge as they hurried off.
Walking down the hallway, Doodles saw so many interesting people. A tiny blonde woman was skipping down the hall and poking people while screaming the word, "POINTS!" She ran up to an enormously rotund individual and did it, causing him to start crying uncontrollably. A young man standing behind her (and playing with himself in a very naughty way) laughed loudly.
"Sage! Young lady, you and Sico leave poor Hartman alone! You know he's fragile."
Sage's little face scrunched up in horror. "But, but... I like the sarge! I was givin' him POINTS!"
"Yes, I know honey, but our sarge is a bit... delicate... after everything that's, SICO! PUT THAT AWAY!"
Sico's eyes got wide and froze, his erect penis inches away from slapping poor Hartman in the face for a third time. Doodles watched the whole incident with amazement. Hartman just cried louder.
"Sico, one more outburst like that from you, and I'm sending you to meet with Dr. Forensic," growled Nurse Merlina.
Sico let out a yelp and took off running down the hall, pants dragging around his hips. Sage curled up beside Hartman and she decided to start crying along side him. Nurse Merlina simply rolled her eyes and kept marching Doodles along.
They had made it about two feet before a short, older man exploded out of a room with a pair of silk, pink panties on his head.
"Shut it, dipshit... you see nothing!" grumbled the man to Doodles before running off in the same direction as Sico.
"Mystia!" Nurse Merlina called out.
""Hey," came a voice from the room the little old man had just burst from, "I think my name is Mystia..."
Nurse Merlina gritted her teeth. "Did you say Shlongy could have a pair of your underpants?"
"What are underpants?" replied Mystia in a sing-song voice.
"Okay..." said Nurse Merlina, practically dragging Doodles along now.
"Now, Doodles," she started, "You're going to have a roommate, but he's a very nice young man. I think the two of you will get along just fine. Sometimes he can get a bit angry when people make fun of his clothes, but you wouldn't do that, would you?"
Doodles got excited, envisioning his roommate wearing a spacesuit.
"No, not at all!"
"Alright now, let's see if he's in... ah, Wildman. This is your new roommate, Doodles."
Doodles stared at the young man. The signs of a scruffy beard were showing and his hair was in badly need of a cut. He also had on a full Prom Gown.
"You're wearing a dress," stated Doodles matter-of-factly.
"Yea, so!" he shot back. "I'm a WILDman. I can still be a pretty, pretty princess, too!"
To Doodles, two plus two equaled banana, therefore this logic made perfect sense.
"I agree. You're a very pretty wild person. My mommy would like that dress."
"Well!" exclaimed Nurse Merlina as she clapped her hands, "Now that we're all settled, Nurse Merlina needs a drinky-poo! Carry on!"
"She seems nice," said Doodles as Nurse Merlina walked away.
"I'm prettier," stated Wildman.
Doodles just looked at him in confusion.
"C'mon, let's go harass some of the others," said Wildman.
"Huh?"
Wildman grabbed Doodles by his helmet's chinstrap and drug him out into the hallway. Storming down the hall, he growled at two women playing with dolls. Both gave him dirty looks.
"Don't mind Coley and Jeanneee, they're both cunts," said Wildman.
"What are cunts?" asked Doodles.
"Don't worry about it."
They entered a large room filled with all types of people wandering about. Wildman took Doodles aside and started pointing individuals out and whispering things about them. Eventually, another man ran up to them, drooling all over himself, and screaming 'MORONS!'
"That's just Majul. He's a full blown fucktard. I'm guessing Method and Apollo beat him up again. Okay, and over there... that guy saluting everything? That's Indo. He thinks he's a war vet. Oh, and that's TTOM, watch out for him... he like to throw his own shit. Let's see... oh, looks like Dr. Skrap turned down Orphelia's slut-drive again."
Doodles blinked and tried to process the information that was above a Mr. Roger's level.
"That moody fuck in the corner is Kaos, scribbling out some gay story with crayons again. Beside him is Jack. Just as bad, but, eh... Jack talks to imaginary cats. That quiet dude is Fallen, but no one pays attention to him..."
"Oohhh, who's that!" asked Doodles suddenly.
"Who? Oh... that's Emission, why... oh, 'cause he has a helmet, too?"
"Mine's nicer!" squealed Doodles.
"Yeah," replied Wildman, "It is. Just like my dress is nicer than that bastard Caulaincourt's!"
"Who?"
"That guy over there," said Wildman, pointing.
"Um, are you... that's a BOY?"
Wildman narrowed his eyes at Doodles.
"Ah, for fuck's sake you ignorant cum stain," said a man in a pleasant voice as he sauntered over to them, "Is there a reason why you haven't killed yourself yet and ended my misery?"
Wildman snorted. "Afternoon, Phallic..."
Phallic leaned in close and stared at Doodles. "Yes, I heard Dr. Scourge attempting to have a stroke earlier over this particular piece of genetic trash."
"Eh, he's alright," mumbled Wildman as he kept glancing at Caul's makeup across the room.
"Oh! Oh, you don't know, that's precious. That's now made my day, ruining yours," laughed Phallic.
"What?" barked Wildman still focused on Caul's fabulous eyeliner.
"Why, the reason why this small fleck of shit is in here with us. He has family in here."
"Ah yeah, well that's great..." mumbled Wildman.
"His Uncle Bubba," stated Phallic in saccharine sweet tones.
Wildman's head turned slowly around to meet Doodles confused, blank look.
"You... you're kin to Bubba?"
"Um, I have a Unca' Bubba. My mommy tells me so, uh-huh!"
His hand like a vice grip, Wildman snatched Doodles and tore through the commons' room, leaving Phallic to cackle manically behind. Past all the nut-jobs, wackos, weirdos and those just bat-shit insane, Wildman and Doodles went to the far corner. There, a wizened old man sat playing with a deck of cards. He kept trying to pull them away from a young woman with unruly hair, hellbent on stealing them.
"Inion, get lost!" roared Wildman.
Inion shook the table violently and then stomped off to tackle Snark.
"Is..." tried Wildman, shaking with rage, "Is this your nephew?"
"What?" asked Bubba.
"Is this your fucking nephew?
Bubba chuckled. "This little tardo? Sorry, try again tomorrow Fatass!"
"I AM NOT FAT! I'm big boned!"
Doodles heard laughter coming from the center of the room and turned to see the guy Wildman named as Caul walking around funny. Walking like he was fat. That wasn't very nice at all.
"C'mon..." grumbled Wildman as he dragged Doodles back out.
"Um, I don't get it..." began Doodles.
"We'll show 'em," said Wildman. "Those fuckers Phallic and Bubba, that tarted-up whore Caulaincourt, too!"
"How ya gonna get 'em, Wildman?" asked Doodles.
"Simple, I bring in back up... through blackmailing Dr. Maiorano."
"Back up?"
"I'll deal with Bubba in my own special way. But for Phallic and Caul, I'll just get some very specific transfers made from other facilities. When in doubt, go full-blown psychotic and full-out gorgeous."
"Ummm..."
"I'm going to get Habeeb and Hidden back."
User Reviews
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-06-02 03:55:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
mmmmhmm
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-06-01 15:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-01 15:36:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
ZzZzzzzz
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-06-01 15:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I said you dance like oscar the grouch in a puppet show....which doesn't look all that great, I assure you.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-01 13:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Mommy also says that I'm her little coat hanger crawl-away, but I'm not sure what that means!"
*************************
LO-MOTHERFREAKING-L
I laughed reading most of this, but I assure you that I'm not the type to skip down hallways poking people.
I'm actually pretty calm in public (unless I'm wasted, which really doesn't happen all that often). And even then I'm not much of a skipper, I prefer dancing. Sico told me the other day that I dance like Oscar the Grouch or something. I can't remember what exactly he said...I was pretty fucking blitzed.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2009-06-01 13:45:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is much to be done here and I don't think this is +2 worthy. I'm giving you this +2 based on the fact that you needed to set up premise but finding out this is only 2 parts is really discouraging. Can I rape/fuck a doctor in the next please?
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-01 12:24:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-30 11:21:35 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Doodles/l/tribute
===
I just want you to know that creating that page was probably the gayest thing you could have possibly done while frequenting ubersite.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-01 10:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I heart being self-centered.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-06-01 09:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2009-06-01 09:03:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SoME ONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!!
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-01 08:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"enormously rotund individual"
Judas Priest this was a good read. Keep em coming.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-01 05:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHHAHAHA
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-06-01 05:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bunch of sad bastards, seriously.
Submitted by registerme (user info) at 2009-06-01 04:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
no mention of tangel? he could have been in the corner shouting out old news!!!
Funny though
Submitted by Susie_Derkins (user info) at 2009-05-31 20:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This place is definitely akin to a mental hospital. I'm going to say this for both Crystle and myself "*sigh* another list I didn't make."
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-31 19:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-05-31 19:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow you fagots wish this was real life, huh?
================
Top level posters rated this very highly, then along comes you. A fucking Z lister.
Also, you misspelled faggot, you retard.
Submitted by PlatinumScarecrow (user info) at 2009-05-31 19:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow you fagots wish this was real life, huh?
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2009-05-31 15:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
heh heh
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-05-31 15:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2009-05-31 13:10:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's a +2 for you, sir, because I'm not in this story. Hail, Prego!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-05-31 10:35:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I probably shouldn't encourage this sort of obsessive behavior, as I can see the headlines now: "self-published writer stalks and kills internet forum regulars; turns bodies into lampshades and upholstery."
On the other hand, I'M not a regular, and you'd probably go after Sico or Doodles first, so by all means...
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-05-31 09:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will be the first to admit that I lost interest and stopped reading after I got to MY part...But an interesting concept, nonetheless.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-05-31 08:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 name drop. Seems more like a collection of sentences with names in them than a story, but you'll flesh it out, I'm sure.
FYI: Freshly mixed stucco cement is caustic and prolonged contact will destroy skin. I know because I spent yesterday stuccoing without gloves like an idiot, and now my fingers are trashed. Fucking stings.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2009-05-31 03:29:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In 2010 we will discover Earth is a cube, the sun is a spark, and uberville mental institute is a global player. The future is always fucked up in some way.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-05-31 02:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If Electro liked it, it must be good!
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2009-05-31 01:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mr. Asshole:"You know, if Mr. Cilfone would just agree to the document I sent, Togu's Quest II could be started and an Uberville could definitely be done... but he seems to be too distracted by something shiny to even respond..."
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-05-30 22:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-05-30 20:58:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2009-05-30 19:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...needs more bear...
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-05-30 19:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I must be the scary doctor that no one wants to have to go see. Cool!
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2009-05-30 18:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd totally play dolls with Jeeananannnaeeenaeee in a crazyhospital. Cunts.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2009-05-30 18:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this but I have a feeling it's hilarious and I will read it eventually
Submitted by mono_blanco (user info) at 2009-05-30 16:24:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Absolutely hilarious. And I second what Bubba2341 said.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-05-30 16:06:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Uberville Hospital."
~~~~~~~~~
yep
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-05-30 15:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Doodles and Wildman but auto +2 me and auto +2 this being actually rather good.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-05-30 15:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually I suit a nurses uniform... wore one at a fancy dress last year.
oooh cheeky!
Great post.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-30 15:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seriously, Mister Steele, this is a fucking awesome post. It's good to know that everyone can see themselves in a foolish light and laugh about it. Would that real life could emulate that condition. Too many times we are so concerned with other's opinions of us that we take personally what was intended in jest. Ranking on someone in writing is simpler, in that we have time to consider what was actually meant. In person, in real time, we often react to the heat of the moment, and regret it later.
I look forward to part 2 of this. GREAT JOB, DUDE!!!!
Submitted by Toddler (user info) at 2009-05-30 15:18:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm feeling pretty awesome right now.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2009-05-30 14:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweeeeeeeeet!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-30 14:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it.
Your next five posts are auto +2s.
enjoy.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-05-30 14:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/Doodles/l/tribute
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-05-30 13:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
There will only be a second part to this, one entitled "Doodles becomes a MAN at UBERVILLE Hospital."
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2009-05-30 13:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know whether to be insulted or relieved that I'm not in this...
...relieved. Definitely relieved.
Nicely done.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-05-30 13:39:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
coat hanger crawl away
LOLz!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-30 13:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This has to be the best of the uber-related things I've seen. Great job, Kaos. If the people in it can't laugh at themselves, fuck 'em.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-05-30 13:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bubba chuckled. "This little tardo? Sorry, try again tomorrow, Fatass!"