Japanese Girls Taste Like Styrofoam Cups (1887 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.94 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2009-06-04 03:32:25 EDT
So there I was, mere feet away from Jesus Christ as the blood trickled out of a previously unrealized wound on my elbow. With the blazing Argentina sunlight bouncing off car windshields and into my eyes, I couldn't help but feel, perhaps for the first time in my life, happy. "If only Yoshi could see me now," I thought, as I took His pic on my cell.
Let me back up a little first.
My childhood pal and lifetime tennis doubles partner Kevin, a scholarly young gentlemen whom I will affectionately refer to as "K-Dawg" for the remainder of this post, lives in Buenos Aires. Rarely do K-Dawg and I interact on a physical level, what with our living in different Americas and all. The unfortunate spatial restrictions have dumbed down K-Dawg/Sully contact to bi-weekly AIM chats which can last anywhere from four to ten hours. The only instances where you'll find us not participating in philosophical rants will be when we pause to scour AIM chatrooms for loose women to three-way cyber with.
If you're wondering, no we don't go AIM homo. At absolute most, we DP the chick and our balls brush against each other occasionally. Strictly by accident. Other than that, we basically stay on other sides of the bed and instant message this fact constantly during the chat. And no, the girl doesn't always turn out to be a 37-year-old guy. This should really be a topic tackled on Mythbusters, but in my experience, the chick turns out to be a pimple-faced dude only about 40% of the time.
So one day, K-Dawg, the lonely and generous man that he is randomly IMs me out of nowhere:
KDawg56 (12:48:33 AM): hey if you wanna come here real quick you can
SullyThePirate (12:48:58 AM): wtf really? all the way to buenos aires you mean
KDawg56 (12:49:21 AM): ya
KDawg56 (12:50:10 AM): member those Jap chicks who live down the hall I told you bout
SullyThePirate (12:50:50 AM): of course
KDawg56 (12:51:18 AM): well I told them about you and this one girl wants your dick lol
SullyThePirate signed off at 12:51:25 AM.
SullyThePirate signed on at 12:55:57 AM.
SullyThePirate (12:56:30 AM): my bad my fuckin gay mom tried using the phone wtf was the thing you just sent
KDawg56 (12:56:59 AM): I said theres these fuckin crazy jap bitchez in my building
KDawg56 (12:57:04 AM): who said theyd hop on your shit and rub around like in a porno vid
SullyThePirate (12:57:19 AM): say no more, ill be there asap
SullyThePirate signed off at 12:57:22 AM.
Now if you've never been to Buenos Aires, you need to understand a few things. First, it's really fucking densely populated. You get off at the J. Newbery AeroPark Airport and instantly you're frozen solid by culture shock as hundreds upon hundreds of Hispanic men and women callously press past you. Each of them just trying to go and continue about their everyday lives without Northies getting in their way. Yes, South Americans have the tendency of calling North Americans 'Northies.' I almost immediately got the sense of their collective nose-in-the-air personas, all of them seemingly possessing a type of Confederate mindset which both intrigued and aroused my senses.
The second and only other thing you need to know about Buenos Aires (the rest, just wing it), is that the Spanish chicks over there go apeshit for the English tongue. I ignorantly tried asking this pretty young girl on the street where I could find the nearest barista and she just giggled and pressed her breasts together with her hands, emphasizing her cleavage more.
I then attempted to obtain her phone number but failed miserably because I suck dick at Spanish. Our dilemma wasn't so dissimilar from an alligator and crocodile making conversation. That shit just can't naturally happen as neither have the capability of speaking. "But Sully, why didn't you make a telephone gesture, you know, use your hand and pretend to talk into it, etc? Surely, the young strumpet would catch your drift then." Yeah, you'll probably make a variation of this suggestion now, but where were you guys when I needed someone to say that at the time? You were in Ohio or some shit, I bet.
She said, "Mi, ah mi, usted tiene bastante el atraer presencia masculina norteamericana. Yo le invitaría a la casa de mi padre para una cita de proporciones sexuales pero mis primos juegan Enfurecen '93 allí. ¡Quizás nuestros destinos se entrelazarán en otro momento, Adiós adiós ramo de miel de monada!" And with that, she skipped off, leaving me and my raging erection to fend for ourselves on the hard Argentina streets. Remembering the sexual favors promised to me by my longtime friend, I hastily made my way to K-Dawg's apartment.
---
"Jesus, what the hell are you doing here? I just talked to you last night, right?"
"Yup," I said curtly, dropping my luggage near the door, "now where are those Pearl Harbor bombing girlies at?"
Hung over, K-Dawg just stared at me, rubbing his temples, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
"...Those Japanese girls you talked about on AIM. They live down the hall. Remember?"
My stomach sank.
"Seriously, what the fuck are you talking about? How did you get here?"
We kept at it like this for at least another hour or so before K-Dawg finally let up and admitted he was kidding. We caught up on old times; exchanged tales of debauchery and sensual pleasures, chatted about the current cast of ABC's The View, traded once-muted feelings of brotherly love... the usual.
"...Elisabeth Hasslebeck's diaphragm was like...," and K-Dawg's hips twirled in a hoola-hooping motion. We laughed and slapped hands.
Suddenly, an Asian girl in her early twenties wandered into the room unannounced and jumped on the brownish-gray couch next to us. Her black hair was in pigtails with pink ribbons and she was wearing an exaggeratedly small Final Fantasy t-shirt which accentuated her pointy nipples. From K-Dawg's rumors via AIM and the slanted eyes, I could all but gather this enthusiastic little whore was none other than a Japanese girl.
"I'm Yoshi. Rike the gleen dinosaur jump yum-yum Yoshi."
"Are you Japanese?"
"Yes!"
"Prove it."
She pulled up her shirt, revealing her dark brown Asian nipples, much darker than the pink and light brown ones you and I know and love here in the states. I advanced towards her as she stood standing there on the couch, sinking in on the cushions. K-Dawg went to his cabinets to find some hard liquor for us as I licked from the base of her bellybutton all the way to the top of her sternum. My eyebrows wiggled and she smiled.
"Styrofoam... plates?" I guessed.
She shook her head. I licked once more, very slowly and deliberately.
"Oh, cups I meant. Your story checks out."
Following that, a few of her giggling Japanese girlfriends casually strolled into K-Dawg's apartment like they owned the place and before any of us knew it, we were all taking shots of Jack Daniel's and playing two simultaneous games of Connect Four while the fifth wheel had to sit and watch. It wasn't until much later that I learned those Japanese girls actually did own K-Dawg's apartment and he was just renting for the time being. I never thought to ask K-Dawg how and why there was a bunch of English (albeit, a bit broken)-speaking Japanese girls in their late teens/early twenties who owned an apartment building in downtown Buenos Aires, Argentina. Now it just bugs the hell out of me.
Fast forward a few hours and we're all hammered, wandering the streets of Palermo, the city's most populous district. I walked with my arm around Yoshi as K-Dawg stumbled along behind us supported by the two other Japanese girls underneath both his arms. Up ahead, we could see a very old Spanish homeless person, who from this point on I'll refer to as Gary. He was leaning against the corner of a building just shy of the upcoming intersection. I noticed Yoshi's expression quickly melting from elation to pity. She made us all halt to let the old beggar pass as he looked like he was tossing around the idea of crossing the street.
If there's one true Asian stereotype I hate most of all, it's that they're too goddamn polite to everyone. We could've simply strolled on our merry drunken way past Gary, his face soiled with dirt and his coat reeking of vodka and barbeque sauce. Gary could've patiently waited the four seconds for us to pass and then he could've went on his merry way across the street if he so pleased. But no. Yoshi was Asian, therefore polite. She stopped the five of us and gestured for the old homeless man to go ahead. And that's when the spitting happened.
Gary looked all five of us in the eyes before he unleashed a geyser of brown spit in our general direction. He spit at us till his mouth was bone-dry. Then he hocked up some more phlegm for another round. So I did what anyone would do. I did what you'd certainly do. I ran. I ran and ran for what seemed like forever. I violently pushed past strangers and almost got hit by at least seven cars before I was out of breath. It was almost morning when I collapsed in some gutter. Fucking polite Asian girls, man. If I were to guess, all three Japanese girls and K-Dawg were killed thanks to Yoshi's politeness.
I awoke to the jingle of tambourines. Rubbing my eyes, I arose confused and scared. To my left, a group of people stood separated on the sidewalk, just standing and waiting.
"The fuck?" I asked one guy who looked American.
"Jesus," he said as he pointed into the crowd. People clapped and waved palm branches as Christ passed. He was wearing a yellow Hawaiian neck ornament thing and a black backpack. Sick children rushed after him, trying to cop a feel of of his khaki shorts, perhaps as a get-healed-quick scheme.
My armpit felt cold as seemingly seconds ago it was occupied by Yoshi's Asian neck.
Oh, how I longed for her.
User Reviews
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-06-19 12:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E_GtYjnfF1o
4:15 not subtitled unfortunately, but you'll have to take my word for it that the dialogue immediately after the nipple sceen does go
BRUCE: HUH! YOUR JAPANESE??!!
COOK: Yes.
awesome.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-06-19 11:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-06-04 13:21:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of that scene in Fist of Legend when one of the cooks takes off his shirt and the camera zooms in on his nipples and his Chinese colleague gasps in horror and says "Oh my god, your Japanese?" and then kills him.
I fucking pissed myself for hours watching that.
-------
I'm gonna have to download that to see for myself on principle.
--
I was discussing this with a friend the other day actually and it turns out it's Bruce Lee's Fist of Fury with the Jap/Chink nipple disparity.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-06-04 13:21:47 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
This reminded me of that scene in Fist of Legend when one of the cooks takes off his shirt and the camera zooms in on his nipples and his Chinese colleague gasps in horror and says "Oh my god, your Japanese?" and then kills him.
I fucking pissed myself for hours watching that.
-------
I'm gonna have to download that to see for myself on principle.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
@!!!!!
Disregard my voice. Uh-oh.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahhhhh man, that was like I almost forgot that we're in an economic meltdown. Titties. Seriously though, this better not have been written during work hours or I'll have you reported. We need production and this is the.....wait a second........
..........
I'll be back shortly.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-05 12:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81292
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 23:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SaintGutFree (user info) at 2009-06-04 18:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, ccording to freetranslation.com, your cleavagey galpal said, "My, oh my, you have enough the to attract American male presence. I would invite to the house of my father for an appointment of sexual proportions but my cousins play they Madden '93 there. Perhaps our destinies will be intertwined in another moment, charm honey branch good-bye Good-bye!"
Absolutely beautiful.
Funny you like the Wrens, I've bumped Secaucus thier first album, probably upwards 1,000 times.
---
Was wondering when someone would throw that shit into a translator.
Secaucus is nice, don't get me wrong, but The Meadowlands is The Wrens' magnum opus. Front to back unbelievable album.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-06-04 22:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SaintGutFree (user info) at 2009-06-04 18:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, ccording to freetranslation.com, your cleavagey galpal said, "My, oh my, you have enough the to attract American male presence. I would invite to the house of my father for an appointment of sexual proportions but my cousins play they Madden '93 there. Perhaps our destinies will be intertwined in another moment, charm honey branch good-bye Good-bye!"
Absolutely beautiful.
Funny you like the Wrens, I've bumped Secaucus thier first album, probably upwards 1,000 times.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-04 17:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 14:30:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Starting to think my body's built up a complete immunity to weed.
On IMDB, Up has a 9.1 on 9111 votes and is the 11th best movie of all time.
I will outlive my current dog and 4-5 more dogs after that. This news is disconcerting.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 13:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The fuck do you guys listen to.
Right now for me:
The Wrens, Bedhead, Japandroid, Raekwon the Chef, De La Soul
Mood: hungry/paranoid
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-06-04 13:37:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um.....
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 12:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I literally cried laughing at that gay nipple suck video. Any video on youtube pales in comparison to it in my mind.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-06-04 12:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm fucking glad today is my PENULTIMATE day at work here because I'm not sure what my boss would make of me spending the day watching Fist of Legend on Youtube, googling "Fist of Legend Japanese nipple" and then finally looking at a webpage entitled "Japanese Gay nipple suck" (cheers for that by the way mate).
God knows what the IT think.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 12:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever's dick doesn't fill with blood from this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ftej190O4U I don't care if you're a woman or what have you, get your head examined.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 12:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam I finally found the clip you were talking about from that movie Fist of Legend (NSFW): http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qUlkw8oI3PU. Shit's unbelievable, how many Oscars did this movie rake in? My guess is 3-5, a modest but eyebrow-raising amount but in no way shape or form LOTR 3 or Titanic, movies that won Oscars in categories it wasn't even nominated in.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-06-04 12:17:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 12:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
PS I'm setting up a tent and camping out on this shit because I'm starving for eAttention and my longtime relationship just went and broke itself in half. If anyone knows how to build a fire help a guy out. I've been rubbing these sticks together for an hour with no luck. I want some fuckin s'mores bitches. Who threw the apostrophe in s'mores anyway? God? Muhammed? David Carradine? And how about that David Carradine fellow, huh? Poor girl just learning how to ski. I feel so bad for Liam Neeson right now.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-06-04 12:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should definitely check it out - it's fucking genius. The first time around I actually had to put my spliff down, go wash my face and then come back and re-watch the scene.
I would probably say it's closer to the end - maybe 60-70 minutes in.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 11:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA +2 for calling the Lord Most High a caveman. You never cease to give me wood, Electro.
As for Berty, I have no idea what the heck you're talking about with 'loose women.' I've been staring at your comment trying to make sense of it and I just keep going cross-eyed. What's wrong with using the term 'loose women?' This type of woman is the only type who will partake in a cyber 3-way, mind you.
Submitted by Electro (user info) at 2009-06-04 11:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gieco. So easy, a caveman can do it.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-04 11:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spam, I'm in the midst of scouring youtube for that piece of celluloid gold. Now if you were to, just for kicks, divide Fist of Legend into 11 parts each part consisting of exactly 10 minutes, in what segment would you say I can find a Japanese man showing his nipples?
Submitted by X54 (user info) at 2009-06-04 10:49:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Asians are not polite. Have you ever seen them line up to get on the bus?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2009-06-04 09:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yup
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-06-04 08:21:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Prove it."
She pulled up her shirt, revealing her dark brown Asian nipples, much darker than the pink and light brown ones you and I know and love here in the states.
--
This reminded me of that scene in Fist of Legend when one of the cooks takes off his shirt and the camera zooms in on his nipples and his Chinese colleague gasps in horror and says "Oh my god, your Japanese?" and then kills him.
I fucking pissed myself for hours watching that.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-06-04 08:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls in my town taste like the clap.
mmmmmm....discharge.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-04 07:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pennsylvania girls taste like a plate of yams with extra syrup.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-04 07:50:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Must be a soccer player. Only soccer players are allowed to have long hair and still be awesome, though I'm fighting against this stigmatism by doing what millions before have done for me, and growing my hair long to make gullible younger women believe that I care about things they care about and possibly fornicate with me.
How that works, I'll never understand, but sure enough, it usually does. The Rohyphynol just bumps up the odds in my favor.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-04 06:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The only instances where you'll find us not participating in philosophical rants will be when we pause to scour AIM chatrooms for loose women to three-way cyber with."
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Wait, what? How can you use terminology like "loose women" after stating that you engage in 3 way cyber sex with your best mate and lick ladies nipples in the middle of his living room?
I mean I haven't got a problem with you having fun, I think this all should be encouraged. Honestly I think you should be a school teacher and impart these important values to youth because if we'd spent all day licking, fondling and fucking one another at school I'd have paid a lot more attention in class, let me tell you. Probably be much less up tight as well.
We'd all have been there banging on tamberines in the nip, singing 'we're all from barcelona' and remembering how to do long division.
Anyway, "loose women" is kind of uncool.
Submitted by F.J.Bell (user info) at 2009-06-04 06:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty weird, like.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-04 05:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I taste like New England Clam Chowder.
The white.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-04 04:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
After a night out, I went back to this hotel with a rather pretty girl, as soon as we got into the room we were at it. She lay on the bed and told me to fill my mouth with champagne before I started going down on here, So i did, again and again. I was kneeling at the end of the bed and after a while of doing it, I stood up and was so pissed, I fell backwards, toppled over and broke the desk chair.
She didn't return the favour. Probably because I was shouting that I 'had killed my back'
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-04 03:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Black girls taste like chicken. You'd think it would be fried chicken, but, surprisingly, they have a distinct lemon pepper marinade taste.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-06-04 03:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
specifically, expatriated girls from montreal, displaced in naperville, illinois, who wear too much eye shadow.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-06-04 03:34:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
canadian girls taste like dump trucks. euck.
didnt read!