The quest of the shallow man (966 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.82 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by drogoroch (View user info) at 2009-06-05 05:32:54 EDT
Most of the men, boys, deviants I have ever met have been relatively shallow creatures in one certain aspect of life. That is their fascination and perpetual mission to find a woman to do the five second shuffle with. From a certain age certain types of male discover that the dingle dangle between their legs isn't just something to piss out of and kick to cause other males pain, and you a good laugh, but also something that can give the most amazing, if sadly brief, pleasure.
From the moment that these boys discover this amazing messy fun time they get to work determined to test the theory that it will turn them blind. Then comes the time, only months later, where he realises it would apparently be even more fun to get someone else to sort out the itch in his pants for him. This becomes one of the biggest moments of a young mans, boys, life and he seems to decide that the purpose for him to be on this planet is to try and get his little member into as many woman as humanly possible, or even possibly men if they are that way inclined.
There are of course exceptions to this rule, normally populated by the ugly supposedly Christians who have looked in the mirror and realised that the chance of them getting any is about as likely as Gordon Brown being picked as Mr Britain 2009. These types start spouting things like 'I am saving myself for marriage' which of course begs the question about when exactly Parliament are going to change the law on Bestiality and make it legal to marry farmyard animals. Another good one is 'I'm saving myself for god' From a man this would imply to me that they have a very odd fetish where they are actually saving themselves for an very old bearded man in a dress (if the common perception is to be believed) to come and shag them in their virgin ass. Of course if a woman ever said to me that they were saving themselves for god then I would take it very differently, as would all the older bearded men in the bar present currently falling off their chairs thinking 'This little bit likes the older man'.
So boys of a certain age start their quest. You see them meeting and setting out their 'Plan of Attack'. Metaphorical spears are handed out and nervous laughter is shared over a can of Vimto as they realise that some of them may not come back. Where as in the old days boys would become men by hunting some wild beast, like the lesser known mildly thorny squirrel, and then being allowed to just go pick some unfortunate woman the new way of becoming a man is to have a confirmed sweaty mating with something that at least passes for female. You may ask how to get this confirmed, I have no wish to go into details about how we boys verify such things, and no, it doesn't involve running back to the group and allowing them to smell your appendage to confirm female presence. We just know when they are lying or not.
Over night hordes of horny young teenagers start raiding stores of anything that seems to smell reasonable enough to slap on their faces and under their arms; in the vain hopes that some passing female will find it so amazing that they will ravish the little sod on the spot, or take them somewhere comfy. Classrooms become unbearable as the miasma of mingled deodorants and 'Manfumes' meet to create something that poor old Saddam would have been proud to own, apparently.
The wonderful Discos change as the hunting party of boys lingers on the outskirts of the clearing, dance floor, slowly moving forward towards the group of terrified girls standing in a circle trying to keep safe in numbers. Suddenly one brave soul, or victim, will either step forward from the boys group, or get pushed forward. He will suddenly find himself in no mans land with all the eyes of the boys now on him. He takes further steps forward and a few back, doing the hokey cokey without realising it, until he is suddenly past the point of no return and is forced to dance with a female who has become separated. Then an amazing thing happens. The two dance together, or do some form of social epilepsy, on the floor. Then the chaos ensues. Boy's race in and girls start being picked off as they scatter. Every boy in the place is frantically trying to get one of the 'Good' ones before only the slow pondering hippos remain.
The dancing begins and the boys who have had an unsuccessful hunt retreat to the outskirts to watch for signs of 'It not going well' to be able to pounce on, that and to stand there and nudge their mates with comments such as 'I could have her'. At this point most DJ's, unless one of their daughters is on the floor, will notice that the mingling has begun and so will change the type of music. The slow dancing begins, and every boy currently holding onto something female will move in and inevitably, and subtly, brush their suddenly excited members against their partners; swift images of being allowed to touch a boob or drop a hand flowing through their minds.
Those watching from the outskirts turn to god or endeavour to get themselves ribbed before the next hunt.
For the next 20 or so years this hunt will continue. Some of the good old boys will be picked off and separated from the pack in the forms of marriage. They will try to convince the remaining members that actually it will be great because they will have sex on tap; the group merely smile and pat him on the back as he goes to his 'Once in a blue moon' existence.
Although he is married his hunt doesn't end there it just focuses on one woman rather than any woman. His hunt is still about trying to get as much as possible, it is only his weapons have changed. Before his tools would be alcohol, rohypnol, dinner out or even a movie. He now has to use more subtle techniques such as back rubs, bath running, cooking, interacting with her parents or, heaven forbid, Listening.
User Reviews
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-06-09 15:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-06-08 23:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very inspiring in a sad but dramatically surreal manner.
It sounded as if it was based upon a prom, but i like your choice of words.
It screams intellect. Well done.
________
Looks like you got them fooled Drogo.
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-06-08 23:11:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very inspiring in a sad but dramatically surreal manner.
It sounded as if it was based upon a prom, but i like your choice of words.
It screams intellect. Well done.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-06-08 15:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It used to be 'shuffle up to them, bonk them on the head with your club, drag them back to the cave' and it was respectable. Now it's 'shuffle up to them, slip a roofie in their trendi premixed house mojito, drag them back to the dorm' and all of a sudden it's rape.
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"Rape" is such a politically incorrect word. The preferred term is "surprise sex".
====================================
Solid post, gold reviews.
Submitted by spuj (user info) at 2009-06-08 10:37:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i never realised some many people on this god forsaken place live in teh area of wiltshire...
i myself live in the wonderful town of chippenham
Submitted by kgbpasha (user info) at 2009-06-06 15:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jolly good show...
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-06-06 00:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I would have only known this 20 or 30 years ago. Good read.
Submitted by YourNameHere (user info) at 2009-06-05 20:51:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 20:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Joey G make a plan and get to bristol, and maybe we can convince merlina we arent complete weirdos. Have to say my friend would love to meet and have a drink.
Cheerio- I promise I knocked this out like I normally do my onanism, in a few heart beats, if it feels plagarised then its probably because there is nothing new on the internet.
There are spelling error above but im no drunk so im trying to find a part of myself to care
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-05 15:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dont take it personally Em. And I will get to Bristol Sometime, I'm waiting for them to have the right inoculations available before I come up.
------------------
Me too. I cant remember the last time I left this cess ridden town I call 'home'. Although I use the term 'home' loosely. Although the council are trying to modernise Swindon. They plan to ensure that there is an abacus in every home by 2015.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-06-05 14:52:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-05 13:46:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Party boys"...heh. Brings to mind Chris Pontius from CKY2K.
http://l.yimg.com/img.movies.yahoo.com/ymv/us/img/hv/photo/movie_pix/paramount_pictures /jackass__the_movie/chris_pontius/jackass2.jpg
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-05 13:11:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
probably plagiarized
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2009-06-05 12:59:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 11:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im not picking on her looks, she's a nutjob, a friendly nut job but a nut job all the same.
Plus her voice isn't that amazing, its only considered amazing because she does look odd and as if she shouldnt be able to hold a note.
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you're spot on. people as a species expect ugly people to be a let down in all other aspects of life and pretty people to be amazing in all other aspects of life. good looks genes = probably good other genes. we're really just like rats with speech when it comes to building societies.
also i looked up mr britain for the hell of it. one of them looked like a scary swollen version of jason statham.
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-05 11:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Over night hordes of horny young teenagers start raiding stores of anything that seems to smell reasonable enough to slap on their faces and under their arms; in the vain hopes that some passing female will find it so amazing that they will ravish the little sod on the spot, or take them somewhere comfy."
~~~~~~~~~
Spot on!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 11:32:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 16:02:44 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a shame they pick on Susan Boyle so much about her looks. I mean, she can't help the genes she was born with.
Think of it this way, Sirens, and I mean the REAL Sirens of yore, were supposed to be hideous creatures but with voices that lured men to their deaths.
And that's what this poor dear is, a siren.
===============
Im not picking on her looks, she's a nutjob, a friendly nut job but a nut job all the same.
Plus her voice isn't that amazing, its only considered amazing because she does look odd and as if she shouldnt be able to hold a note.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 11:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a shame they pick on Susan Boyle so much about her looks. I mean, she can't help the genes she was born with.
Think of it this way, Sirens, and I mean the REAL Sirens of yore, were supposed to be hideous creatures but with voices that lured men to their deaths.
And that's what this poor dear is, a siren.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 10:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
susan boyle tends to be locked in a padded cell.........or is that gordon brown
hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-06-05 10:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GOrdon Brown looks like that Susan Boyle.
Have you ever seen them in the same room...?
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2009-06-05 10:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gordon Brown is hot like fire.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 10:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh berty, without that tutorial, you wouldn't posess the tact and diplomacy you have now
hang on
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2009-06-05 10:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
God, it was all so awful. I truly wish that when I started life I could have been given the option of skipping the tutorial.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-06-05 10:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it would be a little bit funnier. Maybe add in a "CRIKEY!" or two.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Vimto
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:38:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-06-29 11:40:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Drake = Superficial
Pass it on, he told me to
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Shallow...superficial...it's all the same. Now you officially get to be the pot that called the kettle black.
good show. fun for the whole family +2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:37:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Will do Merlina. That would be rather cool. Shouldnt be too hard to track Em down, I guess we follow the smell or the high pitched screams
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dont take it personally Em. And I will get to Bristol Sometime, I'm waiting for them to have the right inoculations available before I come up.
~~~
Let me know when you go - I'll join you - haven't been to Bristol for ages.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:36:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Listening. Yeah...I've tried that. Never again.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It used to be 'shuffle up to them, bonk them on the head with your club, drag them back to the cave' and it was respectable. Now it's 'shuffle up to them, slip a roofie in their trendi premixed house mojito, drag them back to the dorm' and all of a sudden it's rape.
-----
"Rape" is such a politically incorrect word. The preferred term is "surprise sex".
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2009-06-05 09:10:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reminds me of something out of Coupling for some reason.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dont take it personally Em. And I will get to Bristol Sometime, I'm waiting for them to have the right inoculations available before I come up.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:53:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh drogo, heres me thinking we were e-friends.
I even invited you to Bristol numerous times and you have cast me aside like one of your inflatable women.
:(
oh and I have worn a lead once, I was dressed as a gimp and my pimp had the other end.
True story.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:50:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It doesnt surprise me that you have a lead Em, I hope your owner picks up after you.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:37:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if people followed my lead, this life would be far superior
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It used to be 'shuffle up to them, bonk them on the head with your club, drag them back to the cave' and it was respectable. Now it's 'shuffle up to them, slip a roofie in their trendi premixed house mojito, drag them back to the dorm' and all of a sudden it's rape.
--
Hahahahaha
I was think the other day how cool it would have been to be a caveman type person, then I realised that if I was actually one of those I would no doubts be dead, or very very very very old, in their terms, and so would be considered a god like figure. I dont think any culture needs someone like me as a god like figure we need something more wholesome Like Jade Goody.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It used to be 'shuffle up to them, bonk them on the head with your club, drag them back to the cave' and it was respectable. Now it's 'shuffle up to them, slip a roofie in their trendi premixed house mojito, drag them back to the dorm' and all of a sudden it's rape.
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-05 08:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drogo this is awesome.
like reading an episode of wild kingdom for humans.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-05 07:43:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fairly accurate description.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 07:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know that white sticky stuff at the bottom of your show
ahhh nothing, its nothing
really
nothing
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 07:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't talk to me, EI. It weirds me out when you ask to play with my shoes.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 07:19:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
FG,
women have tits
and men like them
thats how it works.
plus we can ignore womens banal, pointless chitter chatter. as luckily for us most women have tons of friends, even if the women in question dont like each other, at least they went to school or something a trillion years ago and yes folks, that makes them FRIENDS.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-05 07:13:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This seems spot on. I've devoted many years to studying the human male and I sometimes wonder how our species has even managed to survive considering the fundamental differences between men and women.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-06-05 07:05:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ole Gordan Brown is hot as.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 06:11:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I am a holy fellow.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-05 06:07:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Em it's about most of us i hope, but yes I mention you in the christian virgin part haha.
Only joking my little chum :-)
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-05 05:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
even without reading this, i know its a story about me