If I Had a Nickel for Every Time... (769 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.96 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sully (View user info) at 2009-06-08 03:51:52 EDT
If I had a nickel for every time I've watched an episode of Maury Povich while laying on my couch completely nude, I'd have exactly enough money to go to all 77 Washington Senators home games in 1917. My Grampa Tommy, bless his soul, may he rest in peace, etc, etc., always used to tell me these exaggerated tall-tales about how everything from baseball bleacher tickets to oceanfront houses with in-ground pools cost two pennies in 1917. Imagine my eyes watering and my mouth quivering as Grampa Tommy tried to explain the concept of inflation to me. I sat on his lap playing with his white scraggly beard. His buttoned-down corduroy shirt smelled faintly of tobacco and sawdust.
"So, you mean... g... gas was once a penny for a... a... gallon, Grampy?"
"For the two-hundredth time, yes Sully."
Suddenly, this black nurse with watermelon-sized tits ran up to us and shooed me out of the room. I didn't really listen to anything she was saying because I don't respect women and objectify them every chance I can get. Though, if I had to make an educated guess as to what she was blathering on about, I'd imagine it was something along the lines of how 23-year-olds shouldn't be sitting on their cancer-stricken 97-year-old grandfathers' laps. Cut off circulation to his legs or some similar bullshit hooplah. Either that or a glob of my cum was found in the hospital's fourth-floor men's bathroom and some do-gooder doctor analyzed it on his lunch break to find out for a fact it was mine. Most likely of course, Nurse Roberta was angry about my custom black t-shirt that said in all caps, "FUCK THAT OLD HAG NURSE ROBERTA."
Whatever she was steamed about, I wasn't about to have the patience to listen to what it was. I grabbed my action figures and booked it out of there without saying anything. Grampa Tommy died in his hospital room two days later. I'll never forget the second-to-last conversation we ever had:
"How's your mom?"
"Meh."
"What?"
But back to a topic infinitely more important than the life of my grandfather; Major league baseball during 1917.
I recently watched a video that probably made the rounds on the internet upwards of two years ago (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5TmtpcgRv7k) of Yankees outfielder Melky Cabrera being awkwardly interviewed by porn star Marey Carey in a hotel room. If you need some persuasion in watching that clip, here is an actual exchange from the video:
Marey: "Melky is eating America's favorite passtime's nut... peanuts! Melky? Do you like peanuts because uh, baseball players, you know at the games, they sell peanuts, is that why you like peanuts?"
Melky: "Yeah, I like dem."
There aren't any sex acts onscreen per se, unless you consider topless Yankees outfielders eating peanuts pornographic (I'm still not sure). But you can practically smell Melky Cabrera's musty Dominican cologne partially masking his musty Dominican jizz stench. Vegas has 3:2 odds right now that Cabrera's peanut chewing is a last ditch effort for post-coital activity. You know, shit you do after sex like smoking a cigarette or playing Call of Duty 4, to take the edge off the fact you were just ass-naked for three minutes rubbing against some naked random blonde girl. And post-coital activity can always patch up the holes where conversation can go because who wants any part of that, right?
Short story unreasonably long, Melky Cabrera fucked the shit out of Marey Carey.
This revelation got me thinking about the long summer days of 1917 when two pennies got you four Washington Senators tickets, a hotdog, a soda pop, a new car and a bag of popcorn. If modern day Melky Cabrera can land big-tittied (albeit butterfaced), Marey Carey for the sole fact that he's on the Yankees, what kind of pussy did George Mogridge, Eddie Cicotte, Ernie Koob and Ty Cobb wrangle? Don't worry, those were just names I chose at random on Wikipedia's notorious "This year in baseball: 1917" page.
Clay Buchholz, a young Red Sox pitcher recently threw a no-hitter in his second major league start. This lone act landed him Penthouse model Erica Ellyson. You can look this mindblowing fact up, or just google-image search Erica Ellyson. In 1917, Bob Groom threw two no-hitters in three starts. If Mr. Groom did that today, he could slide his dick into his choice of the four women at the beginning of this Oscar-winning clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHn_RQaRs0g
I'm willing to bet though, way back in 1917 before all that inflation witchcraft mumbo-jumbo, things were very different. As a reward for those two no-hitters, in lieu of sweeping up shaved strange pussy, St. Louis Browns pitcher Bob Groom got to sweep up the spilled popcorn around Sportsman's Park to bring home in a garbage bag.
I've been thinking about this specific topic for three days straight.
I should probably think about getting a job soon.
User Reviews
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-09 16:44:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-09 12:26:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was wondering when people were gonna mention the tabs. I was starting to think I was the only one who could see them like that little fuck in Where the Wild Things Are.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-06-09 11:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-09 04:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, good work on the tabs as well.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-09 04:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pHn_RQaRs0g
I was going to dock a point for making me watch the first few seconds of that, bastard, but the shirt, man, the shirt.
Submitted by cheerios (user info) at 2009-06-09 01:41:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck that old hag.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-08 13:19:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y...yes, Sully, yes I have.
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-08 12:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sage, I don't care how much baseball helps you fall asleep, you've definitely thought about what kind of pussy Bob Groom swept up after his two no-hitters in three starts in 1917 at some point in your life.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-08 11:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like where that path went.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-08 09:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tits below
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-08 09:23:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You lost me with the basebazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-08 09:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Based on the first line alone, which made me LOL.
Now, to read the rest of it.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2009-06-08 07:16:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/111409
Submitted by bromide (user info) at 2009-06-08 07:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All that happens then is you think about this shit whilst at work and end up fucking everything up.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2009-06-08 03:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the full stop on the t makes it