Twenty-five (1450 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.45 on 72 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by netimportant (View user info) at 2009-06-11 03:30:08 EDT
I know someone who was unsatisfied with her big home, so she built a bigger one with a pool. Then she was unsatisfied by the level of maintenance her bigger home required, so she had a smaller house built. While the smaller one was being built, she decided that she wouldn't be able to live in it because it was too small.
I also know someone who has been abused, shot, charged with a felony at fourteen, is in debt up to his eyeballs and pulls in a salary that some people on welfare would probably spit on. He walks around with a million dollar smile.
I turn 25 today. I spent most of yesterday sifting through dry product design documents and instructing my coworker how to wipe her own ass via instant messenger, thinking about how I need a new job , a new man, and more money.
Then I came home and my roommates (who I've seen eat dinners purely consisting of corn because they couldn't afford to go grocery shopping) presented me with flowers, never-ending bags of gifts, and cupcakes from my favorite bakery (even though it's on the other side of the city and they don't have cars).
One of the presents was a "profanity generator." If I want to insult someone, I just flip the pages. Anus slime. Sack fungus. Granny diddler.
Another was a chakra candle with this blurb: "Love--Chakra Energy Candle. This chakra is about sensuality, emotions, and intuition. It gives you the ability to relate to others in an open and friendly way, moving toward a fulfilling emotional and sexual life."
It was long and skinny. I asked if I could use it as a dildo.
Later while I was running, I had a "stop and smell the roses" moment. I forgot the things that sucked and appreciated the parts of my life that were flourishing. I remembered how, as a kid, I admired that my mom went to work in blazers and sexy pumps. Now I'm proud to be going to work in blazers and sexy pumps. I live in a beautiful apartment in the city, I'm not struggling financially, and I have more creative energy than I know what to do with. I work hard--at my job, on freelance, at the gym--and it feels fucking good. I'm smart and strong and talented. I have so much that I've even considered giving back to the community or some shit like that.
But most importantly, I have people that love me, and it's okay that they don't have dicks. They eat guacamole with me at 3 am, ask me how my day went, tell me I look sexy when I'm bumming in sweats, skewer with cruel insults any man who does me wrong, offer to let me come over late at night and vent over a bottle of wine, take yoga classes with me, carry me to bed when I black out, and pee on my foot on canoe trips.
That makes up for all the fucking parking tickets I've gotten in this city, for the time I had sex with a guy who lost his hard-on and did a switcharoo with his finger--hoping I'd be too drunk to notice that it wasn't his dick, for the date that went swimmingly until he ran on his tiptoes while we crossed the street, for the obese LARPer at work that leaves me candy bars with notes that say stuff like "Your hair looks pretty today."
On my 25th birthday, I can truly, honestly say that I wouldn't go back in time and change a thing. I have lived authentically, making decisions that I thought were right for me at the time. And if I fucked up, I learned a lesson. From every disappointment, every failed relationship, every time I broke down, I came back stronger and wiser. I live without regret.
In short, when life gives you lemons, say "Fuck the lemons!" and bail.
User Reviews
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-07-21 22:19:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Last night when I was in the bathroom puking, my roommate cleared off my bed, put a bucket next to it, screwed a new light bulb into my lamp and turned it on so my room would be a cozy place to pass out. It was so sweet that I teared up a little.
Just kidding, I punched a kitten in the face.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-16 12:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
25, eh? I remember, I believe...
Bit of a downer this one, no?
Submitted by Gayvid_Gerrold (user info) at 2009-06-12 02:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-06-15 13:25:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can we get back on track here?
Lemons in Hoegaardens are acceptable as are oranges in Blue Moons. Any other beer gets a shot of Jaeger dropped in it.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-13 12:14:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
man, you guys are ate up
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-06-12 16:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-12 00:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
basically i'm saying, Lisa goes the extra mile in bed, if you know what i mean.
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She tosses your salad? That's hot. PICS PLZ!
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2009-06-12 13:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Limes are actually pretty good in Heineken as well. I call those "Limekens". Heh. And dont knock it 'till you try it. ;)
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you're so fucking fired.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-12 12:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-12 01:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you were probably lonely jonny
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-06-12 01:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i cant remember what 25 was like
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haha
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-06-12 11:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dunno, I kinda liked it when they fought. I think it helped put a lot of things into perspective for the crazies on this website.
I think it's sweet that you two are civil with each other, but Jesus Hidden, that review made me feel as if I have an IV drip filled with a few quarts of saccharin. How about a few verbal curbstompings? For old time's sake?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-12 08:52:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i must concur with shlongy, i almost vomited my kneecaps up
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-12 08:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus Christ, if I wanted to read about the love story between hidden and Lisa, I'd ...I'd...I'd do something (Insert usual hilarious Shlongy comment here).
Please get back to screaming and pissing all over each other on the internet forum for the sake of Uber.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-12 08:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So you and she are still friends? Good. Because if you don't mind me saying, some of the online spats (assuming they were for real) were rather cringe inducing.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-12 08:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
caul, Lisa and i shared a special connection. and by that i mean-- oh, ok, i'll stop with the double entendres. we were together, as in a couple, as in boyfriend/girlfriend. it was a whirlwind romance that ended in- wait, why am i telling you this? anyway, i thought this was common knowledge. the reason it didn't work out is because although i was extremely attracted to Lisa, i just couldn't get over her toe-thumbs condition. i tried, lord knows i tried, but every time we would hold hands or she gave me a handjob, that big toe thumb was just too distracting for me and i eventually had to call it off. http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/sitebuildercontent/sitebuilderpictures/toethumb.gif
neither one of us care about what is said about the event at the bar because we're not whiny pussies that get all offended easily. both of us have some fairly thick skin. we're also mature adults for the most part. that night sucked for both of us when it was supposed to be awesome but Lisa said something to make me angry and i said something back to make her angry and that's how it turned out. oh well. that's life. it wasn't the first time we got pissed at each other. it just happens to be the last time. i moved from Chicago to be closer to my family after being away from them for almost 8 years, but if i would have stayed, Lisa and i would still be hanging out. i have a lot of respect for Lisa and i'm very proud of her and i want her to be happy.
and about the no regrets thing you mentioned- i can honestly say i have no regrets simply for the reason that my past decisions made me who i am today and i am quite happy with and proud of how i turned out. yeah, i did plenty of things i'm not proud of, but all those things made me reflect on myself and grow as a person and at this exact moment i am very content and happy with my life. i have everything i need and most of the things i want.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2009-06-12 08:03:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice little post.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2009-06-12 02:28:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy birthday.
Submitted by Gayvid_Gerrold (user info) at 2009-06-12 02:20:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-12 01:26:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you were probably lonely jonny
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-06-12 01:12:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i cant remember what 25 was like
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-06-12 00:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA!!!
Just breaking your balls, Lisa. God knows, yours are bigger than mine.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-12 00:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
interesting stuff. i don't know exactly what was the relationship between you guys, but if someone shared details like this about me, i would kill that person. but since it's not me, i don,t care
:-)
btw, i wanted to adress the "i have no regret" line in the post. anyone saying this knows deep down it's bullshit.
there is certainly a bunch of things i would've done differently if i could go back. i don't cry about it at night, but to say i wouldn't change a thing, is a lie.
based on the amount of crazy you've displayed on here, i'm sure there are a few things you would change.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-12 00:08:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
basically i'm saying, Lisa goes the extra mile in bed, if you know what i mean.
and she does anal.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-12 00:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lisa is anything but a robot in the sack, Matt. if you only knew the things she can do...
and i didn't forget about your tit popping out. i was just trying to make you sound classy and i feared that would have ruined the attempt. but yeah, her titty popped out.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-06-12 00:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And no, I don't want to test my theory--you're a hairy neanderthal.
Cheers.
Submitted by netimportant (user info) at 2009-06-12 00:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-06-11 21:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagine hard sex with Lisa would be a lot like hard sex with a Real Doll. She strikes me as the type who kinda lays there and believes that the very idea of fucking her is enough to make it enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I would still crawl a mile over broken glass just to hear her piss over the telephone, but she just seems like she just lays there and takes it.
----
OK, I'm willing to bet a quintillion dollars that I'm better in the sack than you, but keep dreaming if it makes you feel better about never having a chance at a piece of this exceptionally toned ass.
Thank you for the birthday wish, Andy. You forgot to mention the part where my tit popped out of my dress.
"Well I don't necessarily agree with your "fuck the lemons" sentiment"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zv7fHOBm1MA
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2009-06-11 22:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've found time and again that good friends and family and a bit of perspective can get me through just about anything. Happy birthday.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2009-06-11 22:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-11 21:26:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-11 20:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-11 19:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy birthday, Lis.
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i expected drama...you disapoint :(
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i just wanted to say happy birthday. and also that i'm proud of her, which i failed to mention the first time around.
if you want drama, i could tell you about the last time i saw Lisa where she slapped me repeatedly in the face at my usual Chicago hangout and the bartender who knows me quite well laughed his ass off at me and refused to close my tab and poured a shot for me and himself every time i asked to close out. then by 4am i was stumbling out onto Milwaukee Ave and almost got run over by a cab because i was so drunk. there's more to the story, but i'll just leave it at that. thanks to Kerry (chitowngirl for those of you who don't know) for taking me in that night, otherwise i would have passed out in an alley and puked and pissed all over myself and possibly shit my pants. i was pretty hammered. i imagine if things would have turned out differently, i would have gone home sober and Lisa and i would have had some pretty hot sex that night.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-06-11 21:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-06-11 16:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy 25th for (whenever) it was.
I like your story. Go you!
Btw, if that's you in the bottom photo, i'm appauled that any guy [drunk or not] could lose a hard-on during sex with you.
Kick some ass!
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I imagine hard sex with Lisa would be a lot like hard sex with a Real Doll. She strikes me as the type who kinda lays there and believes that the very idea of fucking her is enough to make it enjoyable.
Don't get me wrong, I would still crawl a mile over broken glass just to hear her piss over the telephone, but she just seems like she just lays there and takes it.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-11 20:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-11 19:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy birthday, Lis.
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i expected drama...you disapoint :(
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-11 20:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2009-06-11 20:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sully said you look like Emily Haines from Metric. Kinda. Not really.
You DO look like somebody famous now with your hair cut short, I'm just not sure who...
Whatev'. Happy Birthday, you vicious cunt. <---- (see what I did there! HOORAY!!! **dances**)
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2009-06-11 19:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
happy birthday, Lis.
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2009-06-11 18:05:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2009-06-11 17:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy Birthday. I hope I have my shit together by 25..I've still got some time, thankfully.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-11 16:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another +2 for reminding me through "my uber" that I need to find out who that guy was, if I know him, and whether or not I need to apologize for being so mean to him.
Although, having a drunk stranger yell, "You live off the sperm of your enemies, homo!", at you is probably more mildly humorous than offensive.
Submitted by Rhymenocerous (user info) at 2009-06-11 16:39:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anyone who puts ANY fruit in their beer is a fucking moron.
That includes the beer-makers and brewers who are adding "lime flavor" to their gay beer selection.
================
I agree with this 100%. Bud and Miller are gross enough, adding lime makes it 10,000 times worse.
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-06-11 16:23:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy 25th for (whenever) it was.
I like your story. Go you!
Btw, if that's you in the bottom photo, i'm appauled that any guy [drunk or not] could lose a hard-on during sex with you.
Kick some ass!
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-11 15:17:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Read it, this:
Then I came home and my roommates (who I've seen eat dinners purely consisting of corn because they couldn't afford to go grocery shopping) presented me with flowers, never-ending bags of gifts, and cupcakes from my favorite bakery (even though it's on the other side of the city and they don't have cars).
:Tugged at my heart strings.
Submitted by Lib (user info) at 2009-06-11 13:42:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW 25, I was trying to remember what I was doing when I was 25, luckly I don't.
Happy Birthday
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-11 13:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-06-11 04:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
menstrual velociraptor bitch.
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i will use that
haha. me too.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:48:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh. I turn 25 in September. I doubt there will be birthday presents, cupcakes, or dildos. Color me disappointed.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man law: Don't fruit the beer.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:44:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Anyone who puts ANY fruit in their beer is a fucking moron.
That includes the beer-makers and brewers who are adding "lime flavor" to their gay beer selection.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy birthday. When life hands me lemons, it cut one open and squirt it in its eyes.
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Limes are actually pretty good in Heineken as well. I call those "Limekens". Heh. And dont knock it 'till you try it. ;)
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GreatOdensRaven (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When life gives you lemons, cut them up and put them in your Corona!
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Limes go in Coronas, not lemons you heathen.
Well-written and happy twenty-fifth!
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-11 12:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like that chick from Metric and this was a lovely bunch of words and such.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keeping it all in perspective is how you can appreciate life's little treasures.
Submitted by HateMudkips (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by GreatOdensRaven (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When life gives you lemons, cut them up and put them in your Corona!
Age 25 was the best year of my life, capped off by Birthday #26 being the Best Day of my life.
Happy Birthday, Enjoy 25. Your life sounds Very together.
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:05:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i lol'ed at the idea of this being true:
"obese LARPer at work that leaves me candy bars with notes that say stuff like "Your hair looks pretty today." "
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2009-06-11 11:04:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-06-11 04:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
menstrual velociraptor bitch.
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i will use that
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2009-06-11 10:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-11 10:41:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NO WAY my birthday is on saturday!
UGH 29, one last year of the "twenties" left
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-06-11 10:37:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When life gives you lemons, put them in vodka.
...or have a lemonparty.
http://www.lemonparty.com
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:48:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When a woman says she's 25, it really means 28+. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:43:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound a lot more together than I was at 25.
Good on ya.
Happy Birthday.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i am slightly older than you.
happy birthday.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:39:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:22:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sage104 (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well I don't necessarily agree with your "fuck the lemons" sentiment but the post is well written. You seem like you're on the right track; bravo.
And happy birthday. :)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-06-11 09:07:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-11 08:11:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm still volunteering to do you, to add to the awesomeness of your birthday, if that'll help.
Submitted by gascs (user info) at 2009-06-11 08:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For some reason I thought you were older.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2009-06-11 07:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yo quiero taco bell. i think ive used that shitty joke before. ah well.
you see that story the other day of the cops that tazered and then shot a 'vicious' chihuahua that 'savaged' their hands?
that was awesome.
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-06-11 05:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If God gives you lemons,,,,,GET A NEW GOD!!!"
Submitted by registerme (user info) at 2009-06-11 04:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
why do you think i plus 2'd?
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Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-11 04:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like a filthy whore.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-11 04:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look like a filthy whore.
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-11 04:27:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I genuinely can't read that. However, I was talking to my sister and my best friend, and some douche kep trying to exercise his voicehole. Askind for sperm, what is that? Whatever. Who wants haiku sperm?
Fagogtos.
Faggot
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2009-06-11 04:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NO! You're funnier when you're a randy menstrual velociraptor bitch.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-11 03:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your maintenance bill would be absolutely staggering... but you continually prove to be a rather interesting digital person, if not a titch batty.
Happy Birthday, eh.
Submitted by registerme (user info) at 2009-06-11 03:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
clap clap!