The Christmas Miracle (597 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 0.32 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Ebenezer Spooge (View user info) at 2009-06-15 23:53:05 EDT
Oh hello there, I'm happy you...
Sorry. Sorry about that, I thought for sure I just now heard some miscellaneous noises outside my door.
It was just my mind playing tricks again, I believe.
Do you people like chocolates? I have some chocolates near my...
Oh.
Sorry, my friends. It seems I ate them all up! Or possibly there were never any chocolates to begin with. My, I'm starting to get one of my turns again, I believe. Quite unfortunate really. It's been weeks since the synapses got all syruppy. Sticky but flavorful, correct my young friends? (chuckle) Every time I have company... well. Anyway.
(uncontrollable coughing)
Oh?
Golly, I could have sworn that there's someone...
Terribly sorry, I was almost positive that time I heard some variation of rapping at my door.
Where was I? Oh yes. The Christmas Miracle. Gather close my friends. Please, by all means get as cozy as you wish. You're in for quite a treat of a tale! A tale of friendship, poignancy, misery and loneliness with redemption sprinkled in for good measure. Jasper Cunningham is always the easiest place to start in our story, I suppose. It's where my father and your fathers would start, eh? (hearty laughter) Jasper Cunningham, a few of you may or may not be familiar with him, once lived just around the corner in the ol' Boyleston building across from Blacksmith Walcott. He and his wife Petunia, no strangers to the underground corn trading market, indulged in curious games of sensual pleasure. Not one to boast, I myself in fact caught the couple on the roof of the church with their...
Eh?
Who's there rapping? Pardon?
Anywho, Jessup and his gang of ragtag pagan misfits, children of the crescent sun in every sense of the phrase, finally made it to the midpoint of Mt. Crowley. With but a few kilometers more to go and only seven of his peers dead, Jessup wiped the chicken grease from his...
What's that? Yes, you there with the brown eyes. What amuses you so?
Ah, yes. I neglected to tuck in my penis after a quick trek to the neighborhood outhouse. Silly me.
(grabs cane)
REAL FUCKIN' FUNNY RIGHT?
SHOW'S OVER. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE. ALL OF YOU.
(uncontrollable coughing)
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-07-09 23:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-19 03:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't know whats worse, you writing this or me understanding it.
Submitted by Gayvid_Gerrold (user info) at 2009-06-18 04:14:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Bubba.
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-06-16 18:38:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
terrible, just terrible.
Submitted by stone8946 (user info) at 2009-06-16 17:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It wasn't very funny or interesting but +2 for effort.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:38:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut the fuck up
==================
Incoherent ramblings from a retarded old coot.
You guess which one.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*Yozz gives sandmantate the finger behind his back*
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You know what? My dad can beat your dad up. I know it, because, once, we were hiking in the woods and out of nowhere there was a bear and a bigfoot! They were both going to try to eat us, but my dad roundhouse kicked the bear and it ran off howling then my dad uppercut the bigfoot and he hit it so hard that it flew into the air and crashed backwards into a tree. It was knocked out. We would have taken pictures, but I forgot my camera.
So you better watch out. I'm just saying.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:31:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut the fuck up
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Certain retards -2 simply because they can. Very sad.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the fuck...
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the hell...
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 13:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 02:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quit listening to sandmantate's -2's. He doesn't affect your rating, because he shows a lack of class and humility. He is not listened to by the majority of users here and they will -2 him on principal.
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That's it Yozz; me and you behind the slide after school. Better not tell a teacher or you'll get it even worse.
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Is that fighting or courting behavior?
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 14:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*Yozz gives sandmantate the finger behind his back*
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 13:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 02:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quit listening to sandmantate's -2's. He doesn't affect your rating, because he shows a lack of class and humility. He is not listened to by the majority of users here and they will -2 him on principal.
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That's it Yozz; me and you behind the slide after school. Better not tell a teacher or you'll get it even worse.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-16 12:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's come to my attention this "Gayvid/TLawrence" fellow is a bit of a drag? I will happily negate his ratings in the midst of my time spent here. Doing so will perhaps negate Gayvid's persona, correct?
"The best portion of a good man's life is his little, nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and of love."
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-16 12:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your points considered, I certainly do not want to come off as much of a blowhard! The world is too much with us; late and soon, Getting and spending, we lay waste our powers: Little we see in Nature that is ours; We have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 02:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quit listening to sandmantate's -2's. He doesn't affect your rating, because he shows a lack of class and humility. He is not listened to by the majority of users here and they will -2 him on principal.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:09:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice point about aiming. I'd also add wipe it off before it hardens. Apparently hot water makes sperm like rubber cement.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
<chuckle>
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 02:22:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Quit giving yourself +2's. It doesn't affect your rating, but it shows a lack of class and humility. It does not go over very well with the majority of users here and they will -2 you on principal.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-16 01:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
By the by, the above quote of mine was said this morning when I reminded my 11 year old granddaughter Rebecca of her toiletry manners. Ah, yes the fairer sex can 'jack' off just as much as us gents, HA HA.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-16 01:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Such uninhibited lack of morale among you...
As thou these ashes, little brook! will bear Into the Avon, Avon to the tide Of Severn, Severn to the narrow seas, Into main ocean they, this deed accurs'd, An emblem yields to friends and enemies How the bold teacher's doctrine, sanctified By truth, shall spread throughout the world dispersed.
Submitted by sandmantate (user info) at 2009-06-16 01:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Settle down, sparky.
I hate your username.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-16 01:06:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goodness, who's the wise guy who brought their hormonal old maid!
Would you like some sour creme with that scowling cynicism, Miss?
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-06-16 00:34:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh, another random but not too funny post.
That quote is old too. Just thought i'd state.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 00:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was quite good, if not a few months late and/or early.