Helping The Aged, Dowloading Porn With Doreen, And The Truth Behind My New E-mail Account (427 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.15 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2009-06-16 06:57:41 EDT
If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well.
Especially if the job involves forcing an old person's head into a bucket of cement, waiting for it to set, and then throwing that old person
from the nearest bridge into fast flowing water.
Since leaving behind my career in the life insurance industry, I've been applying myself to various shitty IT related jobs. The latest of
which actually involved working for a charity.
Age Concern is a charity that is concerned about...well, um, old people. You see, old people generally have lots of money, but they don't
have a clue what to do with it. They spend thousands of pounds on sound systems, home entertainment rigs and all manner of gadgets, gizmos
and electronically operated sex toys. Think I'm joking about that last one? Think again.
Yet once they have purchased their elaborate soirée of technological goodies, they have absolutely no fucking clue what to do with them.
That's where I come in.
I was paid (yes, I was paid, your charitable donations have to go somewhere) to visit these elderly motherfuckers, and show them what to do
with their newly acquired toys. And yes, on one occasion this included being asked where the ears of a Rampant Rabbit (a Thruster Edition, no
less) should best be placed for clitoral stimulation.
Being a kindly sort of chap, I was happy to oblige and show dear old Hilda exactly where the luminescent piece of plastic should go. Once
more, I ask you to think if I'm joking? No jokes. Whilst I may not have given the old bag a practical demonstration, I duly advised her with
the benefit of an old Raggedy Ann doll that was propped in a chair in her bedroom. If there are any doll worshippers reading this, I can
assure you that no dolls were harmed in this act of dildo/doll deprivation.
Monday morning. My first visit is a guy called Reggie, who has just blown three and a half grand on a top spec PC. The monitor puts my home
television to shame. Amongst other electronic devices, he has a kick-ass Bang and Olufsen sound system, video walls in virtually every room,
and an internal CCTV/Security system that makes Guantanemo look like a scout hut.
He wanted a Facebook account so he can talk to his daughter, who moved to New Zealand with her lesbian lover. So sweet. I help set him up, I
showed him how to access his new e-mail account, which would inform him every time his beloved off-spring has sent him a message. He was
happy, and I left his futuristic fortress, knowing I had worse to come.
Second visit. Doreen Havers. God, I fucking hate Doreen. After setting her up with an e-mail account the previous week, I woke up on that
Monday morning to a message.
Cunting thing won't bastard work
I knocked on Doreen's door, and prayed that she hadn't started on the gin yet. As she answered, I got a whiff of juniper, and that aroma
answered any doubt I had had.
"Fucking piece of shit. 3 weeks I've had the bastard cunting thing, and it's always worked fine. Fucking don't fucking work now though, does
it?" She delivered a swift kick to the tower.
"Ms Havers, you really shouldn't treat things like that. If there's a problem, I'm sure we can sort it out........"
"Well fucking sort it then, you fucking cunt, that's what I pay you for."
"You don't pay me, Ms Havers, the charity pays me."
"That's what I fucking said, aint it?"
It was not what she had said, but I didn't see the point in arguing. Instead, I checked her hard drive. It was full. Completely full. Full,
of hardcore porn. There was straight porn, lesbian porn, pedal porn, rough porn, soft porn, chicken porn, midget porn, prawn porn (I never
even knew that prawn porn existed, but apparently it does). It was a pirate's treasure chest of vile, abhorrent porn. And Doreen was trying
to download more porn. I had a thought that Doreen should be teaching me, not the other way around.
"I'm afraid your hard drive is full. If you want to download more........videos.....then you'll need to delete some of these files that you
already have."
"But I haven't watched the fucking things yet. "
"You really want to watch all these?"
"Yes I fucking well do."
"Oh."
"Do you want to watch one with me?"
"Um....would you be upset if I said no?"
"Yes, I fucking well would be. You're paid to do this shit."
"I'm sorry Ms Havers, but much as I'd love to sit and watch..er..'Big Black Bitch Gets Banged With Melon', I'll have to pass. It'd be against
my job description."
"Why?"
"Health and Safety grounds. Goodbye....."
After a long day, I got home and fired up my lap top. Logged into my e-mail. I saw that I'd had some messages from some old flames. I clicked
on the first one, wondering what flame would be the one who has decided to make contact after all this time.
-----
From: cindysweet.at.slutz.com
To:JoeyG.at.swindon.com
Subject: Fuck You
Cindysweet says:
Fuck You, Joey. Seriously. Fuck you.
-----
I couldn't put my finger on it, but I sensed some underlying tone of hostility in the message. Maybe she had sent the message to the wrong
Joey. Yeah, that was it. I opened the next mail.
-----
From: johanna64c.at.hotchick.com
To:JoeyG.at.swindon.com
Subject:What sort of asshole r u?
johanna64c says:
What the fuck is wrong with you? FFS, you really can be a cunt sometimes.
-----
I can be a cunt sometimes. She had me there, I couldn't argue with that. But why the sudden Joey bashing?
There were three or four more messages to this effect. I read these mails with genuine shock.
I racked my brains, but couldn't find any rational explanation as to what may have caused this sudden concentration of resentment towards me.
There was only one thing I could think of.
I've got previous when it comes to drunken e-mails, but the outcome was usually satisfying, like when I sent a group e-mail to the employees
at my old company containing the missing .jpgs from the staff Christmas party (complete with MS paint annotations and additions, including a
gigantic black cock ejaculating in the punch bowl, and pair of comedy breasts on the MD).
Erring on the side of caution, I clicked the link to my sent items folder. Upon seeing various mails to the likes of Cindy and Johanna, I
realised I'd been at it again. Preparing for the worst, I clicked on the attachment I had sent to Cindy, and promptly ran to the kitchen to
vomit up the large rum and coke I had poured when I got home.
I regained some form of composure, and looked again at the image that was shining forth from my lap top. An elderly gentlemen, naked, except
for a lacy g-string which did nothing to stop the steaming erection poking from the top of the waistband, or prevent the shrivelled, hairy
nut-sack from drooping out of the bottom, one bollock hanging on either side of the gusset.
Vulgarity aside, I had to admire the old codger's ability to maintain such a throbbing stonker at 75 years of age. I knew he was 75, because
I had seen him before.
Fucking Reggie.
I left my house, and walked the 3 streets to where Reggie's 21st century pad was, and I hammered on his door until he answered. He answered
his door in a dressing gown and slippers.
"Why, hullo, Joey, what are you doing back so soon?"
I shoved him aside and entered his house, looking round at the various CCTV cameras on the wall.
"Reggie. You're an old man, and a client. So, I'll put this very simply. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT?"
I somehow stopped myself from grabbing the old bastard by his throat, aware that every action was being recorded. He stepped back, looking
sheepish, with an astonished look on his face before he answered.
"Sorry... I forgot the password to the mail account you set up for me. So I thought I'd borrow yours. I didn't think you'd mind."
"Sorry? Didn't mind? How the fuck did you get on to it in the first place?"
"Well, before you set up my account, you showed me your own, remember? You logged in, and showed me how simple it would be to use."
"So how did you know my pass....oh.."
I groaned, and looked once more at the CCTV cameras dotted around the place.
"They're really high quality, you know. They can zoom in and everything, so I looked at what you had typed when you signed in. I really
didn't think you'd mind. After all, that's what I pay you for, isn't it?"
Resisting the urge to fulfil my thoughts of cement and fast flowing water, I left Reggie's house and returned home, where I proceeded to
finish the rum I had started earlier.
I forwarded my letter of resignation to the charity, complete with the images that Reggie had sent on my behalf to various females in my
contacts folder. In true drunken e-mail fashion, I added my MS paint additions. Just to make my point clear to one and all.
User Reviews
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:04:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Reformatting is for pussies.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:46:37 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Tighten it up, goddammit.
-------------
I bet you say that to all the holes.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tighten it up, goddammit.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would NEVER absorp ANYTHING. I did however find that taking in the story, or absorbing it seemed no different than any other read. ;)
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck it. i didn't think it was all that hard to read... it's just like any fucking paper you ever have to submit in college.. double spaced
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It's like reading off a teleprompter, you read it, but don't absorp it.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:34:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuck it. i didn't think it was all that hard to read... it's just like any fucking paper you ever have to submit in college.. double spaced.
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:32:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I honestly have no idea what happened to the formatting here. But still, I'm not re-posting.
---
Please do. Otherwise you're just being drunkist.
---
Seriously. Any enjoyment I got from reading 3/4 of this was decimated by the formatting. It was so terrible that I couldn't even finish the thing. Knock it off.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:26:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I honestly have no idea what happened to the formatting here. But still, I'm not re-posting.
---
Please do. Otherwise you're just being drunkist.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:16:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I honestly have no idea what happened to the formatting here. But still, I'm not re-posting.
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2009-06-16 09:04:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think some people get rather pathetic about formatting here on Uber.
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Not everyone has your fortitude. I salute you.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think some people get rather pathetic about formatting here on Uber.
Joey, Ms Havers sounds like fun you have my email get her to drop me a line.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
*checks around for the apocalypse*
Never thought there would be a JoeyG post I couldn't read.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:27:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have your teeth finally perforated your top lip covering your eyelids red?
bucktoothed freak
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:23:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
seriously can't read that
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Normally it's just bunched up text that is a cunt to read, but turns out this is awful too! I got three lines in and it was good; then my eyes exploded and I had to stop. Touch typing FTW.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:04:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LOL TWAT
Submitted by SgtHartman (user info) at 2009-06-16 08:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good read.
ENTER
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-16 07:36:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Age and treachery, youth and enthusiasm, you know the drill.
Don't believe a word of it, but it's a fun read nonetheless.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-16 07:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Liberal use of the Enter button.
I used to work with old people many, many moons ago. Never again.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 06:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Apologies for the formatting, but I really can't be fucked to re-post.