Helping The Aged, Dowloading Porn With Doreen, And The Truth Behind My New E-mail Account (Reposted under duress from fascist formatters) (1032 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.9 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2009-06-16 10:51:07 EDT
If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well.
Especially if the job involves forcing an old person's head into a bucket of cement, waiting for it to set, and then throwing that old person from the nearest bridge into fast flowing water.
Since leaving behind my career in the life insurance industry, I've been applying myself to various shitty IT related jobs. The latest of which actually involved working for a charity.
Age Concern is a charity that is concerned about...well, um, old people. You see, old people generally have lots of money, but they don't have a clue what to do with it. They spend thousands of pounds on sound systems, home entertainment rigs and all manner of gadgets, gizmos and electronically operated sex toys. Think I'm joking about that last one? Think again.
Yet once they have purchased their elaborate soirée of technological goodies, they have absolutely no fucking clue what to do with them. That's where I come in.
I was paid (yes, I was paid, your charitable donations have to go somewhere) to visit these elderly motherfuckers, and show them what to do with their newly acquired toys. And yes, on one occasion this included being asked where the ears of a Rampant Rabbit (a Thruster Edition, no less) should best be placed for clitoral stimulation.
Being a kindly sort of chap, I was happy to oblige and show dear old Hilda exactly where the luminescent piece of plastic should go. Once more, I ask you to think if I'm joking? No jokes. Whilst I may not have given the old bag a practical demonstration, I duly advised her with the benefit of an old Raggedy Ann doll that was propped in a chair in her bedroom. If there are any doll worshippers reading this, I can assure you that no dolls were harmed in this act of dildo/doll deprivation.
Monday morning. My first visit is a guy called Reggie, who has just blown three and a half grand on a top spec PC. The monitor puts my home television to shame. Amongst other electronic devices, he has a kick-ass Bang and Olufsen sound system, video walls in virtually every room, and an internal CCTV/Security system that makes Guantanemo look like a scout hut.
He wanted a Facebook account so he can talk to his daughter, who moved to New Zealand with her lesbian lover. So sweet. I help set him up, I showed him how to access his new e-mail account, which would inform him every time his beloved off-spring has sent him a message. He was happy, and I left his futuristic fortress, knowing I had worse to come.
Second visit. Doreen Havers. God, I fucking hate Doreen. After setting her up with an e-mail account the previous week, I woke up on that Monday morning to a message.
Cunting thing won't bastard work
I knocked on Doreen's door, and prayed that she hadn't started on the gin yet. As she answered, I got a whiff of juniper, and that aroma answered any doubt I had had.
"Fucking piece of shit. 3 weeks I've had the bastard cunting thing, and it's always worked fine. Fucking don't fucking work now though, does it?" She delivered a swift kick to the tower.
"Ms Havers, you really shouldn't treat things like that. If there's a problem, I'm sure we can sort it out........"
"Well fucking sort it then, you fucking cunt, that's what I pay you for."
"You don't pay me, Ms Havers, the charity pays me."
"That's what I fucking said, aint it?"
It was not what she had said, but I didn't see the point in arguing. Instead, I checked her hard drive. It was full. Completely full. Full, of hardcore porn. There was straight porn, lesbian porn, pedal porn, rough porn, soft porn, chicken porn, midget porn, prawn porn (I never even knew that prawn porn existed, but apparently it does). It was a pirate's treasure chest of vile, abhorrent porn. And Doreen was trying to download more porn. I had a thought that Doreen should be teaching me, not the other way around.
"I'm afraid your hard drive is full. If you want to download more........videos.....then you'll need to delete some of these files that you already have."
"But I haven't watched the fucking things yet. "
"You really want to watch all these?"
"Yes I fucking well do."
"Oh."
"Do you want to watch one with me?"
"Um....would you be upset if I said no?"
"Yes, I fucking well would be. You're paid to do this shit."
"I'm sorry Ms Havers, but much as I'd love to sit and watch..er..'Big Black Bitch Gets Banged With Melon', I'll have to pass. It'd be against my job description."
"Why?"
"Health and Safety grounds. Goodbye....."
After a long day, I got home and fired up my lap top. Logged into my e-mail. I saw that I'd had some messages from some old flames. I clicked on the first one, wondering what flame would be the one who has decided to make contact after all this time.
-----
From: cindysweet.at.slutz.com
To:JoeyG.at.swindon.com
Subject: Fuck You
Cindysweet says:
Fuck You, Joey. Seriously. Fuck you.
-----
I couldn't put my finger on it, but I sensed some underlying tone of hostility in the message. Maybe she had sent the message to the wrong Joey. Yeah, that was it. I opened the next mail.
From: johanna64c.at.hotchick.com
To:JoeyG.at.swindon.com
Subject:What sort of asshole r u?
johanna64c says:
What the fuck is wrong with you? FFS, you really can be a cunt sometimes.
I can be a cunt sometimes. She had me there, I couldn't argue with that. But why the sudden Joey bashing?
There were three or four more messages to this effect. I read these mails with genuine shock.
I racked my brains, but couldn't find any rational explanation as to what may have caused this sudden concentration of resentment towards me.
There was only one thing I could think of. I've got previous when it comes to drunken e-mails, but the outcome was usually satisfying, like when I sent a group e-mail to the employees at my old company containing the missing .jpgs from the staff Christmas party (complete with MS paint annotations and additions, including a gigantic black cock ejaculating in the punch bowl, and pair of comedy breasts on the MD).
Erring on the side of caution, I clicked the link to my sent items folder. Upon seeing various mails to the likes of Cindy and Johanna, I realised I'd been at it again. Preparing for the worst, I clicked on the attachment I had sent to Cindy, and promptly ran to the kitchen to vomit up the large rum and coke I had poured when I got home.
I regained some form of composure, and looked again at the image that was shining forth from my lap top. An elderly gentlemen, naked, except for a lacy g-string which did nothing to stop the steaming erection poking from the top of the waistband, or prevent the shrivelled, hairy nut-sack from drooping out of the bottom, one bollock hanging on either side of the gusset.
Vulgarity aside, I had to admire the old codger's ability to maintain such a throbbing stonker at 75 years of age. I knew he was 75, because I had seen him before.
Fucking Reggie.
I left my house, and walked the 3 streets to where Reggie's 21st century pad was, and I hammered on his door until he answered. He answered his door in a dressing gown and slippers.
"Why, hullo, Joey, what are you doing back so soon?" I shoved him aside and entered his house, looking round at the various CCTV cameras on the wall.
"Reggie. You're an old man, and a client. So, I'll put this very simply. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT?"
I somehow stopped myself from grabbing the old bastard by his throat, aware that every action was being recorded. He stepped back, looking sheepish, with an astonished look on his face before he answered.
"Sorry... I forgot the password to the mail account you set up for me. So I thought I'd borrow yours. I didn't think you'd mind."
"Sorry? Didn't mind? How the fuck did you get on to it in the first place?"
"Well, before you set up my account, you showed me your own, remember? You logged in, and showed me how simple it would be to use."
"So how did you know my pass....oh.."
I groaned, and looked once more at the CCTV cameras dotted around the place.
"They're really high quality, you know. They can zoom in and everything, so I looked at what you had typed when you signed in. I really didn't think you'd mind. After all, that's what I pay you for, isn't it?"
Resisting the urge to fulfil my thoughts of cement and fast flowing water, I left Reggie's house and returned home, where I proceeded to finish the rum I had started earlier.
I forwarded my letter of resignation to the charity, complete with the images that Reggie had sent on my behalf to various females in my contacts folder. In true drunken e-mail fashion, I added my MS paint additions. Just to make my point clear to one and all.
User Reviews
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-07-19 13:59:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2009-07-18 05:22:05 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
How is your house?
-----------
Hard to sell :(
Although all the flood damage has been fixed, apparently nobody wants to buy houses at the moment. Fucking economy.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2009-07-18 00:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How is your house?
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2009-07-05 10:03:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, Reggie...
Submitted by HellRazer (user info) at 2009-07-05 09:51:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
And Paul WAS the Walrus. John was the eggman or some shit like that.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2009-07-05 08:45:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2009-06-22 20:02:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by RoadSong (user info) at 2009-06-19 01:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I regained some form of composure, and looked again at the image that was shining forth from my lap top. An elderly gentlemen, naked, except for a lacy g-string which did nothing to stop the steaming erection poking from the top of the waistband, or prevent the shrivelled, hairy nut-sack from drooping out of the bottom, one bollock hanging on either side of the gusset.
Vulgarity aside, I had to admire the old codger's ability to maintain such a throbbing stonker at 75 years of age. I knew he was 75, because I had seen him before.
Fucking Reggie.
I left my house, and walked the 3 streets to where Reggie's 21st century pad was, and I hammered on his door until he answered. He answered his door in a dressing gown and slippers.
"Why, hullo, Joey, what are you doing back so soon?" I shoved him aside and entered his house, looking round at the various CCTV cameras on the wall.
"Reggie. You're an old man, and a client. So, I'll put this very simply. WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING WITH MY E-MAIL ACCOUNT?"
I somehow stopped myself from grabbing the old bastard by his throat, aware that every action was being recorded. He stepped back, looking sheepish, with an astonished look on his face before he answered.
"Sorry... I forgot the password to the mail account you set up for me. So I thought I'd borrow yours. I didn't think you'd mind."
"Sorry? Didn't mind? How the fuck did you get on to it in the first place?"
"Well, before you set up my account, you showed me your own, remember? You logged in, and showed me how simple it would be to use."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I happen to know of a case where somthing close to this happened.....
WOO!
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2009-06-18 18:00:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by SullyThePirate (user info) at 2009-06-18 15:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was in dire need of the Reggie pic.
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-18 12:33:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-06-16 16:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glass Onion: "The walrus was Paul."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I support fascism.
------------------------------------
I do not condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus, but I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
=============
I guess you can't hear or read. THE WALRUS WAS PAUL!!! JOHN TOLD US SO, YOU RETARD!!!!!
--------------------------------------
Bubba, my review was a quote from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Could you please shut the fuck up now you simpleton?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2009-06-18 09:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-06-18 05:48:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bad form Joey
Giving in to the piss ants who seem to find it hard enough to read in the first place, the more you make eye contact with them and acknowledge the feeble and pathetic the more they come for you, it's like stray rabid dogs.
----
I agree, far be it for any of us to improve or make anything better. Keep posts as crap as they can be, I say.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-06-17 16:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-17 13:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-06-17 18:13:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
A short holiday and all of a sudden JoeyG is posting again.
Hurrah!
------------
I'm always posting, hun!
If, by 'posting', you mean 'killing mice and using their small frail corpses to act out illicit puppet shows, using cotten thread to control their wee arms (arms?) and legs'.
It's an art form. D'ya know how difficult a mouse orgy can be to conduct? It's a little easier with live rodents, but the teeth tend to up the danger factor.
____
Suddenly very pleased we never made it for that drink Joey.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2009-06-17 15:31:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-17 13:53:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-06-17 18:13:11 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
A short holiday and all of a sudden JoeyG is posting again.
Hurrah!
------------
I'm always posting, hun!
If, by 'posting', you mean 'killing mice and using their small frail corpses to act out illicit puppet shows, using cotten thread to control their wee arms (arms?) and legs'.
It's an art form. D'ya know how difficult a mouse orgy can be to conduct? It's a little easier with live rodents, but the teeth tend to up the danger factor.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2009-06-17 13:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A short holiday and all of a sudden JoeyG is posting again.
Hurrah!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2009-06-17 12:30:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2009-06-17 12:26:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by haikumikoo (user info) at 2009-06-17 11:19:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 long nonsensical title, those are fun.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-17 09:29:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-06-17 12:20:18 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
i want your job. Helping old people, getting to fuck around with gadgets - WIN.
---------
Helping old people fuck themselves WITH gadgets is even more fun, especially if you throw a vacuum cleaner into the mix.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2009-06-17 07:20:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i want your job. Helping old people, getting to fuck around with gadgets - WIN.
I would have watched a flick with that old chick though, for sure.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2009-06-17 02:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Loved this. Would have been perfect with a picture of an old guy though- erection and bollocks.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-06-17 01:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more wwww.lemonparty.org
Submitted by moopy4u (user info) at 2009-06-16 20:37:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, that was damn well kick-ass!
<3 it.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-06-16 16:26:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glass Onion: "The walrus was Paul."
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2009-06-16 16:20:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I support fascism.
------------------------------------
I do not condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus, but I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
=============
I guess you can't hear or read. THE WALRUS WAS PAUL!!! JOHN TOLD US SO, YOU RETARD!!!!!
--------------------------------------
I support Bubba's aneurysm. (Just kidding, Bubba!)
Submitted by JohnnyBurnside (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Other than the fact that you have just rendered the current story I'm working on derivative (the twist involves a dear granny, porn and a giant Dildo) this was a great post!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:24:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I support fascism.
------------------------------------
I do not condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus, but I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
=============
I guess you can't hear or read. THE WALRUS WAS PAUL!!! JOHN TOLD US SO, YOU RETARD!!!!!
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2009-06-16 12:38:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shake the haters! shake 'em off like you're a big old saint bernard lumbering out of the family's little section of cottage lakeshore and stopping to spray water all over the kids building a sand castle out of the rocky sand
shake shake shake
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2009-06-16 12:24:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Readable and funny - a winning combination.
Submitted by Ebenezer_Spooge (user info) at 2009-06-16 12:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those two aren't so dissimilar facially from ol' Jasper and Petunia Cunningham, no?
Submitted by Ejryuu (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:38:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 even before I read it for the second time. Thank you!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I support yozzism
Submitted by Yozz (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I support fascism.
------------------------------------
I do not condone fascism, or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon: "I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me." Good point there. After all, he was the Walrus. I could be the Walrus, but I'd still have to bum rides off of people.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 11:02:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:59:23 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Giving in to the piss ants who seem to find it hard enough to read in the first place, the more you make eye contact with them and acknowledge the feeble and pathetic the more they come for you, it's like stray rabid dogs.
----------------
True. But still, safer to give a rabid dog a pork chop than a kick in the bollocks in my experience.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:59:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I support fascism.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bad form Joey
Giving in to the piss ants who seem to find it hard enough to read in the first place, the more you make eye contact with them and acknowledge the feeble and pathetic the more they come for you, it's like stray rabid dogs.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You caved.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:53:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-16 15:52:03 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOOO you are a disgrace, bowing to the minions, you sir are no Saddam Hussain.
---------------------------
I'm no Saddam Hussein, but I do a mean goose stepping Hitler routine.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn the formatting! Who is the bigger man, you or it?!
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOOOO you are a disgrace, bowing to the minions, you sir are no Saddam Hussain.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2009-06-16 10:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ya happy now?!?!?!